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Original poster

Bf’s ex says she’s moving away with the kids

626 replies

toobusytothink · 25/02/2021 11:36

So bf and his ex separated 4 years ago. They have 2 kids who are now 5 and 7. They live near each other and bf has always been a hands on dad and for the last 2 years he has had the kids 50/50 but it has just been an informal agreement between themselves. She has a bf who she has been seeing for about 18 months who lives 45 mins away and has said she plans on moving close to him and possibly buying a place with him.

Although this doesn’t sound far, my bf works and I live 45 mins in the opposite direction (otherwise he would consider moving there himself to stay close to the kids).

Bf is incredibly upset. It would mean the kids changing schools. His ex’s mum and sister are in the area so she would be moving away from them and her support network too. Plus she works locally so she would be moving away from work.
She says she now wants to formalise the childcare agreement so that he has the kids EOW and one night per week which my bf has said is not acceptable.

So she would be uprooting the kids away from their dad who they see every other day, away from their school and friends, away from her mum and sister, away from her work, so she can move closer or in with her new partner and build a new life with him ... she says she would be able to afford a bigger house.

He is seeking legal advise but it is expensive. She said she is happy to try and do it amicably but then won’t compromise on anything. I know his lawyer will give him advise but just wanted to see if anyone here had experience of it and any suggestions. Seems so unfair when you hear of mums complaining that the dad doesn’t do enough but he wants to but she won’t let him ...

OP posts:
RuledbyASD · 25/02/2021 21:17

But you said yourself, if it wasn't for you living 45 mins in other direction, he would move nearer the kids when they move. So because he wants a relationship, you expect a court to stop your DP's ex moving, in order to facilitate hers? Hmm

TrustTheGeneGenie · 25/02/2021 21:22

@RuledbyASD

But you said yourself, if it wasn't for you living 45 mins in other direction, he would move nearer the kids when they move. So because he wants a relationship, you expect a court to stop your DP's ex moving, in order to facilitate hers? Hmm
There's one thing missing from this statement.... Anything about the children
Wingingit15 · 25/02/2021 21:23

[quote letsnotscaretheneighbours]@bombastical I was primary carer to my daughter. Got made redundant and had to move for work. The court granted my ex husband a pso and interim child arrangement order and he ended up with residency because of it. This was 4 years ago.[/quote]
@letsnotscaretheneighbours gosh I am sorry. It’s so shit being a separated parent, you don’t get how painful it is to never be able to take having your kids around for granted until you are in that position.

RuledbyASD · 25/02/2021 21:37

@Fiona2020

She cannot change school without his permission. He has joint PR I’m assuming?
This isn't necessarily true. Not in practice anyway. I know from experience
RuledbyASD · 25/02/2021 21:40

@TrustTheGeneGenie Exactly! That's the point I'm trying to make. That OP isn't looking at the bigger picture, just how 'unfair' it is on her DP

TrustTheGeneGenie · 25/02/2021 21:41

[quote RuledbyASD]@TrustTheGeneGenie Exactly! That's the point I'm trying to make. That OP isn't looking at the bigger picture, just how 'unfair' it is on her DP [/quote]
You're making a particularly shit point then because the op has mentioned what's best for the children numerous times.

Seadad · 25/02/2021 21:43

If its 505/50 at the moment then of course she can move - but the best interests of the children might be to remain in their school and close to their family and stay with mum EOW? Is your bf up for that? If so then he should get advice.

Magicalsundays · 25/02/2021 21:46

It's not in the children's interest to change schools, move away from other extended family and their friends. Moving in with a new partner is not a good enough reason.

The court would take a dim view -so I would apply for an emergency order -so stop them from moving or apply for full residency. You could suggest to the court that you are willing to move where they children are right now -or do it now -rent a place near their school and just apply for residency.

Moving in to a new partner -not a good reason. If she got a job there -totally different.

Depends on the judge you get -but given current circumstances - I would expect the court to say no.

RetireReady · 25/02/2021 21:51

@anunexaminedlife how was it stupid. Are we not allowed to question what options are given to separated parents? I think.it is ridiculous that parents cannot move or change schools to benefit the adult/family unit. Why can a NRP move and do what they like and it is a case of 'you cant make them have contact' but a resident parent can be constrained in that way? Families move all the time, are these children all traumatised/disadvantaged by It? Especially after a year of lockdown when children havent seen school friends and been at school or seen close relatives, single parents have had no outside help or support, would it be a disadvantage to change areas and school now...I think the argument against has weakened.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 25/02/2021 21:53

[quote RetireReady]@anunexaminedlife how was it stupid. Are we not allowed to question what options are given to separated parents? I think.it is ridiculous that parents cannot move or change schools to benefit the adult/family unit. Why can a NRP move and do what they like and it is a case of 'you cant make them have contact' but a resident parent can be constrained in that way? Families move all the time, are these children all traumatised/disadvantaged by It? Especially after a year of lockdown when children havent seen school friends and been at school or seen close relatives, single parents have had no outside help or support, would it be a disadvantage to change areas and school now...I think the argument against has weakened.[/quote]
The nrp moving generally doesn't mean the other parent has less contact, does it? Often it doesn't change the contact pattern at all.

ILoveYou3000 · 25/02/2021 22:03

Exactly! That's the point I'm trying to make. That OP isn't looking at the bigger picture, just how 'unfair' it is on her DP

So how is having contact reduced by half with their father fair on the children? How is being uprooted and moved away from extended family with whom they spend a lot of time fair to the children? How is moving in with a man they see two nights a fortnight and his child fair to the children?

RetireReady · 25/02/2021 22:06

@trustthegenegenie is 'generally' a statement of fact?

TrustTheGeneGenie · 25/02/2021 22:10

[quote RetireReady]@trustthegenegenie is 'generally' a statement of fact?[/quote]
What?

I think you're missing the point Hmm

RetireReady · 25/02/2021 22:24

@trustthegenegenie? Am I? How so? If the NRP moves away there is more distance for children to travel, no one bats an eyelid...if the NRP decides they cannot do any of their contact days/times its the resident parent that has to deal with the fall out either by rearranging their work schedule, perhaps dropping hours and the affect it has on the children, what's the comeback to the NRP? Nothing. If the resident parent fails to try and accommodate the NRP every whim, they can be threatened with parental alienation or at best being 'inflexible'. If the NRP does It, what happens? Nothing.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 25/02/2021 22:29

[quote RetireReady]@trustthegenegenie? Am I? How so? If the NRP moves away there is more distance for children to travel, no one bats an eyelid...if the NRP decides they cannot do any of their contact days/times its the resident parent that has to deal with the fall out either by rearranging their work schedule, perhaps dropping hours and the affect it has on the children, what's the comeback to the NRP? Nothing. If the resident parent fails to try and accommodate the NRP every whim, they can be threatened with parental alienation or at best being 'inflexible'. If the NRP does It, what happens? Nothing.[/quote]
Because this is one parent moving and cutting down the OTHER PARENTS contact. That's how it's different.

I don't support nrps moving away and dropping contact, but that is not what's happening here and nor is it comparable.

You clearly have some kind of issue with NRPs but it's wholly irrevelant here.

ClarkeGriffin · 25/02/2021 22:42

Can't believe some 'mothers' on here think it's fine for this woman to take her kids away from their dad to go and live with some guy she's only known for 18 months. The majority of that has been during covid, so how well does she really know him? She can't have met up with him much other than breaking the rules. What a moron she is, he could be anyone.

The dad should fight this. This is just so stupid and selfish of the mother.

DeRigueurMortis · 25/02/2021 23:04

@ClarkeGriffin

Can't believe some 'mothers' on here think it's fine for this woman to take her kids away from their dad to go and live with some guy she's only known for 18 months. The majority of that has been during covid, so how well does she really know him? She can't have met up with him much other than breaking the rules. What a moron she is, he could be anyone.

The dad should fight this. This is just so stupid and selfish of the mother.

To be fair she could have seen him quite a lot if she's bubbled with him.

ClarkeGriffin · 25/02/2021 23:08

To be fair she could have seen him quite a lot if she's bubbled with him.

Possibly but we don't know that for certain. We only know that they've been together for 18 months, so she would have chosen to bubble with someone she's known for 6 months only rather than family. She's not making great decisions there in any way. She may have only seen him in person for about a year at best depending on the area she lives in, would you still say that's a good reason for moving her children away from a good father, their other family and friends, plus school they are used to?

ClarkeGriffin · 25/02/2021 23:10

Oh and forgot that part, she's also moving away from her own job to be with a guy she's known in person for a year tops. So she will be financially reliant on this man I guess? This seems totally sane, not.

anunexaminedlife · 25/02/2021 23:12

[quote RetireReady]@trustthegenegenie? Am I? How so? If the NRP moves away there is more distance for children to travel, no one bats an eyelid...if the NRP decides they cannot do any of their contact days/times its the resident parent that has to deal with the fall out either by rearranging their work schedule, perhaps dropping hours and the affect it has on the children, what's the comeback to the NRP? Nothing. If the resident parent fails to try and accommodate the NRP every whim, they can be threatened with parental alienation or at best being 'inflexible'. If the NRP does It, what happens? Nothing.[/quote]
What exactly has any of that got to do with this specific scenario which involves two parents caring equally for the children and one parent trying to reduce the other parents contact?

DeRigueurMortis · 25/02/2021 23:19

@ClarkeGriffin

To be fair she could have seen him quite a lot if she's bubbled with him.

Possibly but we don't know that for certain. We only know that they've been together for 18 months, so she would have chosen to bubble with someone she's known for 6 months only rather than family. She's not making great decisions there in any way. She may have only seen him in person for about a year at best depending on the area she lives in, would you still say that's a good reason for moving her children away from a good father, their other family and friends, plus school they are used to?

I agree with you.

I'm not suggesting the Ex is making good decisions here - I'm just responding to a specific point about assuming she hasn't had much contact with the BF.

ClarkeGriffin · 25/02/2021 23:25

I'm not suggesting the Ex is making good decisions here - I'm just responding to a specific point about assuming she hasn't had much contact with the BF.

No can't assume she's not had much contact, but can't assume that shes had loads of contact either. Even still, 18 months is a small amount of time to decide to move away from family, friends, support network and a job for a bloke. Where is she going to get money from? I'm guessing she thinks from her ex, hence why insisting that 50/50 care would no longer be an option. She's being a complete fool.

Suagar · 25/02/2021 23:47

@FoffeeCoffee

I don't think the courts will see 45 mins as a problem. It's not an unreasonable amount of time to travel. Many people do this daily as a commute.
Would you be saying the same if it was the dad planning to move the kids away 45 min from their mum in order to live with his girlfriend??
DeRigueurMortis · 26/02/2021 00:13

@ClarkeGriffin

I'm not suggesting the Ex is making good decisions here - I'm just responding to a specific point about assuming she hasn't had much contact with the BF.

No can't assume she's not had much contact, but can't assume that shes had loads of contact either. Even still, 18 months is a small amount of time to decide to move away from family, friends, support network and a job for a bloke. Where is she going to get money from? I'm guessing she thinks from her ex, hence why insisting that 50/50 care would no longer be an option. She's being a complete fool.

Again I agree with you.

I've made my views pretty clear upthread.

I just think it's not helping when posts make assumptions above the information provided by the OP.

In context plenty of people move in together after an 18 month relationship.

It wouldn't necessarily be an issue here (assuming the children are ok with that) apart from the fact the Ex wants that to entail a change of schools and a massive reduction in contact with the father.

What I'm unclear about is what's stopping her from making the commute to the current school when she has them 50/50 apart from not wanting to?

Personally I think she's free to move in with her BF but that involves her making compromises (over contact, travel or both) to ensure stability for the children rather than making demands of everyone (the father, her children and extended family) apart from herself.

Like pp's I did wonder if there was an element of COVID insanity here - but according to the OP this isn't new behaviour.

Personally I think legal advice is a must and then a solicitors letter to make clear the current set up is 50/50 and getting on record the reasons why such a move is not in the children's best interests.

Then mediation and if that fails court to apply to be the resident parent.

No-one can say how a court would decide, but if the BF gets good legal advice, keeps his communication respectful and child centric and shows a willingness to compromise in the children's best interests then I think he's got a good shot at stopping this.

ClarkeGriffin · 26/02/2021 00:32

He hopefully does as this isn't in the children's best interests at all. This is purely selfish. Yeah people get together quickly and move in, but with kids you're meant to take it slower and not disrupt their lives too much. I know someone who uprooted her kids to the other end of the country after meeting a guy online, meeting him a few times then decide to move to be with him. He abused her. Thankfully she got away, but it didn't do the kids any good either at the time. Dunno why the dad didn't fight it, maybe he did and lost.

Applying to be the resident parent would be best here, but I doubt the mother will accept that. I do think she is just after csa now, why else be suddenly against 50/50?

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