Bf’s ex says she’s moving away with the kids

[toobusytothink]

So bf and his ex separated 4 years ago. They have 2 kids who are now 5 and 7. They live near each other and bf has always been a hands on dad and for the last 2 years he has had the kids 50/50 but it has just been an informal agreement between themselves. She has a bf who she has been seeing for about 18 months who lives 45 mins away and has said she plans on moving close to him and possibly buying a place with him.

Although this doesn’t sound far, my bf works and I live 45 mins in the opposite direction (otherwise he would consider moving there himself to stay close to the kids).

Bf is incredibly upset. It would mean the kids changing schools. His ex’s mum and sister are in the area so she would be moving away from them and her support network too. Plus she works locally so she would be moving away from work.
She says she now wants to formalise the childcare agreement so that he has the kids EOW and one night per week which my bf has said is not acceptable.

So she would be uprooting the kids away from their dad who they see every other day, away from their school and friends, away from her mum and sister, away from her work, so she can move closer or in with her new partner and build a new life with him ... she says she would be able to afford a bigger house.

He is seeking legal advise but it is expensive. She said she is happy to try and do it amicably but then won’t compromise on anything. I know his lawyer will give him advise but just wanted to see if anyone here had experience of it and any suggestions. Seems so unfair when you hear of mums complaining that the dad doesn’t do enough but he wants to but she won’t let him ...

Please re post in legal OP. I’m not a lawyer but I know enough from the experience of others in real life and online to say that generally one parent cannot unilaterally decided to move the children 45 minutes away. Especially when there is an established pattern of 50:50 shared care which would not be feasible with the increased distance.
Is your partner willing to seek legal advice? If he was reassured that the law is on his side he may feel more able to be assertive with his ex. That might actually cause her to rethink/seek her own legal advice, realise she isn’t likely to ‘win’ and reassess her plans.

It doesn't matter what's standard for others, he has them 50/50 and and has done for the last 2 years. that's being taken away from him (and more importantly from the dc who are also having to change a lot more) I think he'd have a good case. Don't forget he can represent himself in court but I'd definitely advise starting with some legal advice of the best he can afford

@NovemberR

Suppose she married for a second time and her husband's job required a move? Or he was in the forces and posted somewhere?

Does she have to leave her kids behind?

Life changes, unfortunately. I don't believe any woman should be forced to spend the rest of her life in a town that suits her ex boyfriend.

I don't get why you think the mum's right to be with her kids trumps the dad's??

Even if this theoretical husband did get a job that required a move why does she automatically get to take the kids away from their dad? Rather than her being the one who has to be without them?

@RuledbyASD

But you said yourself, if it wasn't for you living 45 mins in other direction, he would move nearer the kids when they move. So because he wants a relationship, you expect a court to stop your DP's ex moving, in order to facilitate hers?

No, the main factor is actually the dad's job, which is an hour in the other direction.

Also, he can't just follow his ex around the country whenever she decides to move.

@Suagar I’ve asked the same question of a number of posters and unsurprisingly not one has responded.

Come on

@FoffeeCoffee
@IEat
@Choice4567
@bombastical
@nancywhitehead

All said the dad should suck it up. None responded to me asking if the mum should if the dad moved...

I just think its one thing to try and stop a mother from moving to the other side of the country, or abroad, but to attempt to stop a parent from moving 45 minutes away is abusing the power. Especially since youre happy to commute 45 minutes in the other direction for work, presumably on a daily basis. I can understand that someone would be peeved by it, but the alternative is that you trap your ex in one town for the next decade or so, which is horrid. It seems shes always been fairly reasonable and accessible with regards to access till now, so she isnt trying to keep the kids from him, but 45 mins away could easily be in the same county.
Id maybe suggest to her that he has them every weekend or 3 weekends in 4 as an alternative to 50/50?

@Branleuse

I just think its one thing to try and stop a mother from moving to the other side of the country, or abroad, but to attempt to stop a parent from moving 45 minutes away is abusing the power. Especially since youre happy to commute 45 minutes in the other direction for work, presumably on a daily basis. I can understand that someone would be peeved by it, but the alternative is that you trap your ex in one town for the next decade or so, which is horrid. It seems shes always been fairly reasonable and accessible with regards to access till now, so she isnt trying to keep the kids from him, but 45 mins away could easily be in the same county. Id maybe suggest to her that he has them every weekend or 3 weekends in 4 as an alternative to 50/50?

You've missed the point, in reality - she could move 45 mins away and it could be fine - IF she left contact the same ie 50/50 and she did not move the childrens school. You see, if its ONLY 45 mins, why cant she do the travelling?

you say she isnt trying to keep the kids from him, but shes offered him EOW down from literally half the time.

It seems like a good reason to me to never offer 50/50 in the first place

@Branleuse

I just think its one thing to try and stop a mother from moving to the other side of the country, or abroad, but to attempt to stop a parent from moving 45 minutes away is abusing the power. Especially since youre happy to commute 45 minutes in the other direction for work, presumably on a daily basis. I can understand that someone would be peeved by it, but the alternative is that you trap your ex in one town for the next decade or so, which is horrid. It seems shes always been fairly reasonable and accessible with regards to access till now, so she isnt trying to keep the kids from him, but 45 mins away could easily be in the same county. Id maybe suggest to her that he has them every weekend or 3 weekends in 4 as an alternative to 50/50?

It just does not compute with some posters does it?

He would be abusing the power: But you don't think that she would be abusing the power of having a vagina by making unilateral decisions about school, where they live, how often they see their dad?

45 minutes is a reasonable distance: Then she can continue to take the children to the same school then, by that logic?

She's not trying to keep the kids from him: You are on a thread where the opening post literally outlines that she is planning to cut his time down from half the week to EOW.

What the fuck.

Have you, your boyfriend and the mother actually asked the children what THEY want? Because in my opinion... Being a mother myself... That is what would be most important to me 🤔

do you honestly think its ok for your ex to dictate the actual town you live in ? There are easily ways that it could work. Every weekend would be reasonable. Id contest the EOW but not her moving away. I dont see a big deal about moving schools at that age. The most important thing is maintaining a positive relationship with the ex partner. Whether this is through suggesting residency and her having weekend access, or asking for every weekend if she moves away.

And it definitely does compute, as I have been both the child in this situation in my own family where my mother moved away with me (much further than this) and also have ended up never moving away because of my ex partner refusing to let me, although I wanted to move a lot further than that. if I had wanted to move to the next bloody town and been refused, that would have been an utter pisstake. Let people move on

@Branleuse

It seems like a good reason to me to never offer 50/50 in the first place

Really?

Firstly, “offer”? Like it’s the mums right to dictate this and the dad has to take what he’s given?

Secondly, you think it’s not fair to have 50:50 in case one party (the dad, never the mum) makes it hard for the other to arbitrarily reduce that?

Fuck me. Amazing!

Some posters are just totally unable to see anything other than mum is parent, dad is secondary. @Branleuse I mean you

yeah, tbh, I think 50/50 is actually unsettling for a lot of children anyway and is more often for the parents than the kid. I did it with mine for a while and he hated it as felt like he didnt have a proper home and was missing out on stuff we did here. Its a fantasy.

No need to act shocked that there are differences of opinion on this. Surely youre not that sheltered?

@BranleuseIt . You wrote; "It seems she's always been fairly reasonable and accessible with regards to access till now". Here is laid bare your starting position which is that the children are essentially hers and it is somehow her right as their mother to decide what access the children have to their own father. If that is your world view well then of course you would agree that she should do what she likes and he has to fall in with it. But I would absolutely dispute that starting position in this instance, and in most unless there are clear reasons for it.

@Branleuse

It seems like a good reason to me to never offer 50/50 in the first place

Oh yes, much better to tip the balance in your favour so you can do what you want and won’t have to take the children’s or the other parent’s wants or needs into account. Much better parenting that, isn’t it! Because obviously as the mother, your needs are more important than anyone else’s and the children are more yours than the fathers, of course! And it really doesn’t matter that the children love their father and want a relationship with him. Because the mother is all that counts..

@Branleuse

yeah, tbh, I think 50/50 is actually unsettling for a lot of children anyway and is more often for the parents than the kid. I did it with mine for a while and he hated it as felt like he didnt have a proper home and was missing out on stuff we did here. Its a fantasy.

No need to act shocked that there are differences of opinion on this. Surely youre not that sheltered?

If you’re against 50:50 what about the dad as RP ad mum as NRP? Acceptable?

@Branleuse

yeah, tbh, I think 50/50 is actually unsettling for a lot of children anyway and is more often for the parents than the kid. I did it with mine for a while and he hated it as felt like he didnt have a proper home and was missing out on stuff we did here. Its a fantasy.

No need to act shocked that there are differences of opinion on this. Surely youre not that sheltered?

It is not a fantasy for my children or my ex-husband and I, it is our (mostly) happy reality. It helps that we both respect each others position and neither considers the other the default parent. As with most situations, it is how you manage things and how you message it that makes all the difference in how it works for everyone.

no, i think youre projecting. I think that it looks like after the split, there has been an amicable agreement and it all looks very fair.

This whole post has been about whether he should be able to stop her moving away. Not about whether he wants to apply for residency to have the children full time. I think that should be decided between them, without any legal barriers to her being able to move to the next town.
I get that its inconvenient as it was much easier when the ex wanted to live within a few streets

@BillMasen I actually suggested that. Maybe in your outrage you didnt even read what I said?

@Branleuse thinking like yours is exactly why so many separated couples get in a mess. Because yours (and my bf’s ex’s) immediate thoughts is that it is the mum who gets to set the boundaries and “offer up” her kids. She hasn’t offered anything. She has just told him that she wants to now formalise childcare and that she won’t give him 50:50 but has said that he should have them every other weekend and once during the week. Despite the fact that he is doing, and has done for the past 2 years, 50:50. At one stage she actually insisted on exactly 50:50 and in fact before that he had more because he lost his job so she told him childcare was now “his job”.

@Branleuse

do you honestly think its ok for your ex to dictate the actual town you live in ? There are easily ways that it could work. Every weekend would be reasonable. Id contest the EOW but not her moving away. I dont see a big deal about moving schools at that age. The most important thing is maintaining a positive relationship with the ex partner. Whether this is through suggesting residency and her having weekend access, or asking for every weekend if she moves away.

And it definitely does compute, as I have been both the child in this situation in my own family where my mother moved away with me (much further than this) and also have ended up never moving away because of my ex partner refusing to let me, although I wanted to move a lot further than that. if I had wanted to move to the next bloody town and been refused, that would have been an utter pisstake. Let people move on

At no point is it mentioned that he's dictating what town she lives in.

You've got personal experience of separation. So have lots of other people on this thread. I had to get a Specific Issue Order myself because my XH refused to give permission for me to take the DC on holiday for a week despite not wanting contact with them. However some posters need to be mindful not to project their own experiences, feelings and agendas in this thread. I don't know why so many posters don't seem to understand that mums don't just have carte Blanche in all situations involving children. It doesn't matter whether you think children moving school isn't a big deal. This parent obviously thinks it is. I would think it was a big deal if my XH announced to me that he was going to move my DC to another school and that I would see them less, and so would you.

@Branleuse

do you honestly think its ok for your ex to dictate the actual town you live in ? There are easily ways that it could work. Every weekend would be reasonable. Id contest the EOW but not her moving away. I dont see a big deal about moving schools at that age. The most important thing is maintaining a positive relationship with the ex partner. Whether this is through suggesting residency and her having weekend access, or asking for every weekend if she moves away.

And it definitely does compute, as I have been both the child in this situation in my own family where my mother moved away with me (much further than this) and also have ended up never moving away because of my ex partner refusing to let me, although I wanted to move a lot further than that. if I had wanted to move to the next bloody town and been refused, that would have been an utter pisstake. Let people move on

I don't think anyone here thinks it's ok for an ex to dictate what town you live in. BUT I don't think it's OK for one parent to say they're moving away and therefore the other parent will have to see their children less.

Regardless of whether 45 minutes is far or not, this mother is categorically saying that 50/50 is over. She is not saying he can continue to have 50/50 if he does all of the driving, she is saying he can now have the kids every other weekend and once in the week only. And that's the only option she will accept.

I don't think he cares about her moving away, he cares about the fact that she's effectively stopping him from seeing his children during the week.

Would she even accept every weekend? I doubt it as she will probably want time with her children over the weekend too, as opposed to just the school routine. Similarly, their dad may not want to be cut out of their 'everyday' lives by only having them at the weekend.

I do totally think there are ways to make it work - as you said, it's not super far at all - but from what OP has said, the ex does not want to make the current arrangement continue to work. She only wants him to have every other weekend and a day in the week.

@toobusytothink

What do the children want?

And what about her responsibility to maintain a good relationship with him? Why should he let her get her way just to keep the peace. He hates confrontation and avoids it at all costs. Why can’t she compromise to help them co-parent? She needs to keep it civil too