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Original poster

Bf’s ex says she’s moving away with the kids

626 replies

toobusytothink · 25/02/2021 11:36

So bf and his ex separated 4 years ago. They have 2 kids who are now 5 and 7. They live near each other and bf has always been a hands on dad and for the last 2 years he has had the kids 50/50 but it has just been an informal agreement between themselves. She has a bf who she has been seeing for about 18 months who lives 45 mins away and has said she plans on moving close to him and possibly buying a place with him.

Although this doesn’t sound far, my bf works and I live 45 mins in the opposite direction (otherwise he would consider moving there himself to stay close to the kids).

Bf is incredibly upset. It would mean the kids changing schools. His ex’s mum and sister are in the area so she would be moving away from them and her support network too. Plus she works locally so she would be moving away from work.
She says she now wants to formalise the childcare agreement so that he has the kids EOW and one night per week which my bf has said is not acceptable.

So she would be uprooting the kids away from their dad who they see every other day, away from their school and friends, away from her mum and sister, away from her work, so she can move closer or in with her new partner and build a new life with him ... she says she would be able to afford a bigger house.

He is seeking legal advise but it is expensive. She said she is happy to try and do it amicably but then won’t compromise on anything. I know his lawyer will give him advise but just wanted to see if anyone here had experience of it and any suggestions. Seems so unfair when you hear of mums complaining that the dad doesn’t do enough but he wants to but she won’t let him ...

OP posts:

diddl · 25/02/2021 19:39

"The mother has a right to a life and any court will look at a 45 minute drive as being reasonable."

If it's so reasonable then why does she have to move the kids?

She can easily see her boyfriend.

Sightlinesandsolutions · 25/02/2021 19:44

@anunexaminedlife thank goodness for your post! The replies here are absolutely horrific. @toobusytothink I hope your DP feels empowered to take action.

It absolutely cannot be in the children's best interest to be uprooted from their familiar surroundings and made to commute 90 minutes per day EOW to school just to maintain 50/50 contact with their father.

This is literally the most bizarre set of responses I have ever come across on here.

Dervel · 25/02/2021 19:44

Look people have to look at this in the round, and not just this particular mother vs this particular father. Tonnes of things can move the needle positively and negatively in either direction. It should always be what is best for the children.

VampireBaby · 25/02/2021 19:47

@NovemberR

Suppose she married for a second time and her husband's job required a move? Or he was in the forces and posted somewhere?

Does she have to leave her kids behind?

Life changes, unfortunately. I don't believe any woman should be forced to spend the rest of her life in a town that suits her ex boyfriend.

Erm it's not about staying somewhere that suits her ex boyfriend. If that's what you think you have wholly missed the point.

It's about staying somewhere that suits her children because it's where their other parent is, their school is, their family and their friends.

If I split with DH and ended up remarried to someone in the forces, it would be known to me from the very beginning that if they were required to move, I would be unable to accompany them. Because it's not about me, or my ex-DH but our children. And it absolutely wouldn't not be in their best interest to up and leave, removing them from their other parent and their school, family and friends, just because I'd chosen to remarry someone who moved around the country.

You can see that as not being allowed to 'move on with your life' if you wish. I think it's rather more like being a grown up, being a parent and taking responsibility for the decision I made to have children and the commitment I made to them when I did to put them before myself.

VampireBaby · 25/02/2021 19:49

The mum can stay put but will be filled with rage at not being allowed to move on whilst her ex lives his best life

Why is it that ex is living his best life necessarily? As far as I can see from OPs posts, he seems to be in the same situation as the mother in that his partner lives 45 minutes away rather than together.

If he then decided to move in with OP and up and left anyway, you may have a point. But right now, they seem to be in pretty similar scenarios, the ex is the only one talking about uprooting the kids though.

Honeyroar · 25/02/2021 20:02

It’s actually refreshing to see so many women on this thread that can see that it’s not in the children’s best interests to be dragged away from their father and lives just so that the mother gets her “best life”. I thought I’d be in the minority sticking up for the father.

GintyMcGinty · 25/02/2021 20:02

Why not do it the other way round and have children live with Dad, remain at current schools and she has the kids EOW and one night per week?

Another way forward would be to go to mediation and try to find a compromise that suits everyone.

Ermintrude74 · 25/02/2021 20:04

@bombastical

I copied this from a solicitors website about this issue of UK relocation following a split

“If refusing permission to relocate will have a significant, detrimental effect on a parent who is clearly the child’s primary carer, this may impact negatively on the welfare of the child.”

Irrelevant as neither parent in this case is the primary carer. What seems to be relevant here is the axe that you are trying to grind by proxy.

Ermintrude74 · 25/02/2021 20:09

I currently have 50/50, amicable, shared care with my ex husband who lives a 5 min drive / 20 min walk away. I would not of doing this to my kids. They would be devastated if I tried.

combatbarbie · 25/02/2021 20:10

Lot of haters and misconceptions on here. He can challenge a move,he has PR and therefore has a say in the child's schooling, she can't just up sticks because it suits her. My friend moved with the child and was ordered to move back by the court!

I would fight it if 50/50 is the case now but he needs to do it before she moves and enrols them in a new school.

PinkGinny · 25/02/2021 20:11

@VampireBaby

The mum can stay put but will be filled with rage at not being allowed to move on whilst her ex lives his best life

Because in the mum's view he is getting what he wants at her detriment perhaps? His life is exactly as he wants; his girlfriend (the OP) doesn't want him moving in with her ; nor is she prepared to move her children so your scenario is unlikely to come up.

All I'm trying to demonstrate is round hole / square peg - both parents can't get what they want. Neither have a 'right' to anything so they need to find a way through by thinking about things differently. By minimising the impact on their children.

All out war fare leading to court will benefit nobody. Neither side appears to be offering practical, sensible options.

anunexaminedlife · 25/02/2021 20:12

[quote RetireReady]@anunexaminedlife so what options do the courts give then to a grown adult about the options for control over their own lives?[/quote]
There is always the option to not have children if you do not have the capacity or motivation to put their needs first and wish to have complete autonomy of your own choices.

PinkGinny · 25/02/2021 20:14

@Ermintrude74

I currently have 50/50, amicable, shared care with my ex husband who lives a 5 min drive / 20 min walk away. I would not of doing this to my kids. They would be devastated if I tried.

Neither would I (when it was a consideration); I can also see why other folk make different choices.

And with hindsight I made those decisions to maintain 50/50 which my children then asked to drop as they got older so

JanuaryJonez · 25/02/2021 20:17

Jesus OP, hang on to the positive not crazy man hating responses on here!

letsnotscaretheneighbours · 25/02/2021 20:20

@bombastical I was primary carer to my daughter. Got made redundant and had to move for work. The court granted my ex husband a pso and interim child arrangement order and he ended up with residency because of it. This was 4 years ago.

DaBoob · 25/02/2021 20:22

And with hindsight I made those decisions to maintain 50/50 which my children then asked to drop as they got older so confused

I don't really see the relevance of this. You seem to be implying that you could have gone ahead anyway as your children wanted to drop 50:50 when they got older so it wouldn't have mattered.

I disagree. I don't think children wanting to switch up contact as they get older means they didn't benefit from it when younger.

I didn't see my mum as much when I got to teen years as I lived with my dad and all my friends were there. I would have hated not seeing her at these children's young ages though.

theleafandnotthetree · 25/02/2021 20:29

@DaBoob

And with hindsight I made those decisions to maintain 50/50 which my children then asked to drop as they got older so confused

I don't really see the relevance of this. You seem to be implying that you could have gone ahead anyway as your children wanted to drop 50:50 when they got older so it wouldn't have mattered.

I disagree. I don't think children wanting to switch up contact as they get older means they didn't benefit from it when younger.

I didn't see my mum as much when I got to teen years as I lived with my dad and all my friends were there. I would have hated not seeing her at these children's young ages though.

Agreed and if both parents are living reasonably close to one another, teenage children can then have more flexibility and choice in staying with one parent or the other without having to make other major choices such as changing schools. Or as you see often referred to here, the young person sleeps mainly in one house but sees the other parent lots during the week, after school etc. Parents living a great distance from one another forces the young person to choose in some way - which is not nice for them, or anyone - when they get sick of the kind of back and forth younger children are more happy to do.

PinkGinny · 25/02/2021 20:35

@DaBoob

And with hindsight I made those decisions to maintain 50/50 which my children then asked to drop as they got older so confused

I don't really see the relevance of this. You seem to be implying that you could have gone ahead anyway as your children wanted to drop 50:50 when they got older so it wouldn't have mattered.

I disagree. I don't think children wanting to switch up contact as they get older means they didn't benefit from it when younger.

I didn't see my mum as much when I got to teen years as I lived with my dad and all my friends were there. I would have hated not seeing her at these children's young ages though.

I'm saying I limited my choices - career, location, relationships - for the benefit of a 50/50 arrangement which I and my ex thought was best. My children didn't and as soon as they were old enough asked to change it. They hated moving house each week (and we tried a number of different patterns) and not feeling like they had 'a home'.

Was it off benefit - who knows?! It was a throw away comment, nothing more.

DaBoob · 25/02/2021 20:39

If your children didn't like the arrangement even when young that's different, I was just saying I don't think the fact older children ask for contact to change, which is pretty common, is entirely representative of how they felt when they were younger which is how your comment sounded when I read it.

ILoveYou3000 · 25/02/2021 20:46

for the benefit of a 50/50 arrangement which I and my ex thought was best

That's the key here. You did what you thought was best for the children. You did exactly the right thing.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 25/02/2021 20:48

[quote bombastical]@Dervel you might think that but it’s not the law fortunately. The mother has a right to a life and any court will look at a 45 minute drive as being reasonable.[/quote]
You're massively missing the point.

RetireReady · 25/02/2021 20:53

@anunexaminedlife you have just exposed your stupidity with that last ridiculous statement

PinkGinny · 25/02/2021 20:58

Probably more controversially I have also chosen not to live with another partner and won't until my youngest leaves home as I don't feel that is in the 'best interest of the children'. It is all about the adult wants; not the children's needs. I also accept that others feel differently.

That position is however slated on here as ridiculous and of course a parent should be free to have a new live-in relationship and their children will need to adapt / share their bedroom / parent / deal with different rules etc.

There are many parallels to this scenario but oddly a different conclusion being drawn - mainly as the other parent is feeling the impact. Many, many children have great relationships with their NRP on arrangements that are not 50/50.

TurquoiseDragon · 25/02/2021 20:59

@Jaxhog

Unless he folds, it won't be amicable. He needs to have an alternative and solid plan ready for when he goes to court.

My exSiL tried this one, and my Bro got primary custody of his son. He had a good plan ready and made a strong case in court.

This.

And don't just focus on the schooling. Highlight that it's in the best interests of the DC for them to remain in the same area as their family (eg, her mum and siblings, as mentioned), friends, etc, that they can easily see now. Rather than they move to where they don't know anyone.

Add in anything else the DC do now that would be impacted by a move.

anunexaminedlife · 25/02/2021 21:06

[quote RetireReady]@anunexaminedlife you have just exposed your stupidity with that last ridiculous statement[/quote]
Respectfully, you asked a stupid question.

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