Bf’s ex says she’s moving away with the kids

[toobusytothink]

So bf and his ex separated 4 years ago. They have 2 kids who are now 5 and 7. They live near each other and bf has always been a hands on dad and for the last 2 years he has had the kids 50/50 but it has just been an informal agreement between themselves. She has a bf who she has been seeing for about 18 months who lives 45 mins away and has said she plans on moving close to him and possibly buying a place with him.

Although this doesn’t sound far, my bf works and I live 45 mins in the opposite direction (otherwise he would consider moving there himself to stay close to the kids).

Bf is incredibly upset. It would mean the kids changing schools. His ex’s mum and sister are in the area so she would be moving away from them and her support network too. Plus she works locally so she would be moving away from work.
She says she now wants to formalise the childcare agreement so that he has the kids EOW and one night per week which my bf has said is not acceptable.

So she would be uprooting the kids away from their dad who they see every other day, away from their school and friends, away from her mum and sister, away from her work, so she can move closer or in with her new partner and build a new life with him ... she says she would be able to afford a bigger house.

He is seeking legal advise but it is expensive. She said she is happy to try and do it amicably but then won’t compromise on anything. I know his lawyer will give him advise but just wanted to see if anyone here had experience of it and any suggestions. Seems so unfair when you hear of mums complaining that the dad doesn’t do enough but he wants to but she won’t let him ...

@nancywhitehead

Sorry but I am inclined to say that the ex does have a right to move on with her life in the way that she wants to. Yes it's quite disruptive for the kids, could be seen as a little selfish, but parents make decisions like this all the time and for whatever reason they uproot their kids and take them to a different school. It happens.

It does kind of suck, but it's her decision and it's not something that the courts are likely to care about as it's not like she's moving abroad.

You will just have to find a way between yourselves and accept that the kids' mum isn't always going to live 5 minutes down the road. People move. I suppose another option is that he gets custody so the kids stay at their current school and mum just has the kids EOW? Would that work?

Of course she has the right to move on with her life, but she doesn't own the children.

How come she just gets to decide -without any discussion with her children's father - that she will now be having them 90% of the time? And him only every other weekend?

I bet the mum would have something to say if her ex had made the decision she has and was telling her he was switching the kids' school and that she'd now only be seeing the children every other weekend. It wouldn't even be entertained!

I moved half hour (ish) away from my children’s dad. It’s not far and we split the travel when he has them during the week. I’ll drop them off and he will bring them back home. It’s not far and definitely not the end of the world. If my ex has threatened to take me to court I probably would of laughed in his face, sorry.
There’s not reason why this won’t work.

It's sad really that there's so many shit fathers out there and here is one trying to keep it equal. And there's still barriers to him being able to do that.
Legal advice is the way forward

[quote toobusytothink]@iceicesunsun but in a way it is because the bf is encouraging her to move whilst not even contemplating moving himself towards her ...[/quote]
In fairness, how do we know what bf has to say about it?

In all probability, he has said he won't move away from his own child and so your DP's ex has deduced that the only way to move their relationship forward is for her to move to him.

Which is a fine choice for her to make but not at the expense of her children's time with their dad.

45 minutes is not the end of the world so I don't think that's an issue - the issue is she doesn't seem to be willing to compromise at all to ensure that her kids still get time with their father. She could easily drop them to him or meet halfway and the it likely wouldn't be a problem, regardless of where their school is or where she lives.

it’s obvious courts favour the mum and he just knows he would lose if it came down to it

No, very untrue, and a lazy myth that encourages non resident parents to sit back and be defeatist.

The courts favour the child, and continuation of the childcare situation the child is used to.

The default is still for the mother to be the primary carer. If she had the DC's all week and your DP only saw them on weekends, then her moving wouldn't really affect much. If the mother has always done the lions share of care, that should continue, or at least it changes slowly. Not because she "won and it's so unfair what about the men", but because it's least traumatic for the child. Too many men just want 50/50 or even full residency as a power move over their ex, or because they don't want to pay maintenance.

In your DP's case, if he goes to court, he'll get to keep 50/50 - possibly with a switchover midweek, literally chop the week in half so each parent gets a 4/3 - because that's how it has been until now. Just for arguments sake; the only reason that wouldn't happen is if you've been exaggerating his role and he just sees them for five minutes during the week on their way home from school or something.

I’ve a feeling she would then say she has to do all the rubbish during the week and he gets to play Disney dad at the weekends

He must have text proof of him arranging to pick them up, it's not just organized telepathically. Teachers can attest to him being there at collection time/drop-off. He can provide receipts showing that he buys school lunch stuff for the week, reading books, etc. Even his bank statements will show up a lot of sites that are clearly child costs.

He needs to make an appointment to see a solicitor asap. Don't be defeatist!

@Em3189

I moved half hour (ish) away from my children’s dad. It’s not far and we split the travel when he has them during the week. I’ll drop them off and he will bring them back home. It’s not far and definitely not the end of the world. If my ex has threatened to take me to court I probably would of laughed in his face, sorry. There’s not reason why this won’t work.

Yes well you could laugh but doesn't mean it's the same for this scenario

I don't think OPs argument that if the dad moved he would be "1.15h away from work and me" holds any weight. That really isn't a long time. My commute to work is about 1.05h and I thought that was quite normal.

It seems the OP and dad want a compromise but the compromise seems to be mum doesn't go anywhere, end of. Compromise has to come from both sides and to be honest, the way you are slagging off the mother is awful.

EOW is standard

This only ever appears to be trotted out when it's Dad's getting shafted.

If it's so acceptable to go from 50:50 to EOW in assuming you'd think it were okay for Mum to be the one having EOW contact instead?

My husband has 50:50 contact with his kids. 3 nights one week, 4 the next. It would absolutely kill him to go to EOW from this. I assure you, not all Dads are happy to see their kids as little as possible. DH would be devastated. Why is it only okay to do this to Dads?

No one, and I mean no one, would have said it were acceptable for your partner to tell the Mum she can only see them EOW now without any other discussion OP. It's complete double standards.

She may have a right to move on with her life but surely her children have the right to a continuing relationship with their Dad, and I imagine any relationship going from every other day to EOW will suffer in the long run.

All the posters who think this entirely acceptable will no doubt also be the ones on threads saying how terrible 'part time' father's are who only see their kids EOW. Smacks of wanting your cake and eating it too imo.

Oh she most definitely would laugh! And in fact did previously with the words “good luck with that”

Sorry your getting a slating on here. Don’t taie negative comments to heart. It is so sad when this happens and yes the mum has a right to her life but the kids must have a real bond with dad if they see him that often and they are still tiny. She should put the kids before the new boyfriend. I wonder if you asked the kids what they would say to less contact with dad. ?? I bet they would be gutted. I can’t offer advice but I know from a friend who was on the receiving end of this that the mum usually always wins. Dad but true. If the kids are 50/50 I would ask a lawyer.
Good luck

@Em3189

I moved half hour (ish) away from my children’s dad. It’s not far and we split the travel when he has them during the week. I’ll drop them off and he will bring them back home. It’s not far and definitely not the end of the world. If my ex has threatened to take me to court I probably would of laughed in his face, sorry. There’s not reason why this won’t work.

The difference is though that you are willing to split the travel during the week so your ex can still see your children!

In this case, the ex is literally saying she's moving and that their dad will just have to suck up having them only every other weekend, which is a massive reduction on what he has now.

She's not saying "I'm moving but we will work out our options so you can still have them 50/50 or close to" - if she was then I'd say he was being unreasonable!

It's not about her moving 45 mins away - it's about the fact that she's expecting to just commandeer the kids away from their dad as part of that move.

@Summertime246 where have I slagged off the mother??! I may have said I don’t understand her reasoning but it’s not as if I’ve called her names or accused her of anything!

@Summertime246 so do you think she’s doing an ok thing? Genuine question

And for those saying '45 minutes isn't that far, I travel 3hrs, take 7 buses and cross the Atlantic to get to work every day' are surely missing the point. In my view any way.

45 minutes might not be a huge commute for an adult going to work. But for a small child, 45 minutes just to get to school is a long time imo, would it be even longer in rush hour too?

It’s only 45 minutes? My dad moved an hour and half away from me and I still saw him every weekend and some evenings!

45 minutes is not the end of the world so I don't think that's an issue - the issue is she doesn't seem to be willing to compromise at all to ensure that her kids still get time with their father. She could easily drop them to him or meet halfway and the it likely wouldn't be a problem, regardless of where their school is or where she lives.

I think this is key OP. In itself her wanting to move nearer her boyfriend (and it would be great if they could compromise on somewhere that is say 30 mins from you and 15 mins from his old place) isnt actually unreasonable.

Neither is him wanting as much time with his children as possible so they need to either themselves or via solicitors come up with a workable solution to this

Last thing - perhaps the care isn't precisely 50/50 now, but the dc's have a close bond with their DF that would be weakened if they stopped living locally, it's still worth speaking to a solicitor and getting advice.

It seems the OP and dad want a compromise but the compromise seems to be mum doesn't go anywhere, end of. Compromise has to come from both sides and to be honest, the way you are slagging off the mother is awful.

Nope, the mum is free to go wherever she likes. She's not free, however, to unilaterally decide she's taken the children and reducing contact with their father by half. What gives her that right?

I haven't seen any slagging off of the mother by the OP, simply stating facts and answering questions she's asked.

@Bibidy you’re probably correct - that may well be exactly what her bf has said. I would just hope that he would say that just as he isn’t prepared to uproot his kid and take her away from her mum then she shouldn’t do the same. That’s what I have always said to my bf which is why we don’t live together (so I have to call him bf and not dp 😄)

@toobusytothink

Push for her to pay the travelling costs for the DC to see their dad.

@Summertime246

I don't think OPs argument that if the dad moved he would be "1.15h away from work and me" holds any weight. That really isn't a long time. My commute to work is about 1.05h and I thought that was quite normal.

It seems the OP and dad want a compromise but the compromise seems to be mum doesn't go anywhere, end of. Compromise has to come from both sides and to be honest, the way you are slagging off the mother is awful.

This is not fair.

It isn't about the ex moving, it's about the fact that as part of that move she is intending to take away the father's time with his children. She is not saying they can continue 50/50 and the dad is just moaning about the extra drive!

[quote toobusytothink]@Summertime246 where have I slagged off the mother??! I may have said I don’t understand her reasoning but it’s not as if I’ve called her names or accused her of anything![/quote]
Saying that she'd be complaining about doing the rubbish stuff all week wasn't complimenting her was it?

I would be furious if my ex's girlfriend was posting information about my life or my children's life on Mumsnet, you are way out of order doing this. You don't live with these children, you aren't their step mum and yet you think you have the right to post about their life and their mother's life? It's down to the children's father and the children's mother to resolve this.

Issue 1 is custody arrangements if it is 50/50 and OPs DP wants to keep it that way. He needs to get on with formalising that before the move uproots them, after that it will be difficult to reverse.

The ex of course should be able to move on with her life without acrimony, but she doesn't get to unilaterally decide, custody, residency and school, does she?

Thank you @Bibidy everything you are saying makes sense. Absolutely if she moved and they can still keep the status quo it wouldn’t really matter. It would be so nice if she suggested as you said above

Hi OP, I think regardless of what other people consider to be the 'norm', going from 50/50 care to EOW seems rubbish and I think legal advice is needed asap too. He will have a totally different relationship with them just seeing them EOW. No mother would be happy with only seeing their children this infrequently.