Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 ··· 12 13 14 ··· 25 26

Original poster

Bf’s ex says she’s moving away with the kids

626 replies

toobusytothink · 25/02/2021 11:36

So bf and his ex separated 4 years ago. They have 2 kids who are now 5 and 7. They live near each other and bf has always been a hands on dad and for the last 2 years he has had the kids 50/50 but it has just been an informal agreement between themselves. She has a bf who she has been seeing for about 18 months who lives 45 mins away and has said she plans on moving close to him and possibly buying a place with him.

Although this doesn’t sound far, my bf works and I live 45 mins in the opposite direction (otherwise he would consider moving there himself to stay close to the kids).

Bf is incredibly upset. It would mean the kids changing schools. His ex’s mum and sister are in the area so she would be moving away from them and her support network too. Plus she works locally so she would be moving away from work.
She says she now wants to formalise the childcare agreement so that he has the kids EOW and one night per week which my bf has said is not acceptable.

So she would be uprooting the kids away from their dad who they see every other day, away from their school and friends, away from her mum and sister, away from her work, so she can move closer or in with her new partner and build a new life with him ... she says she would be able to afford a bigger house.

He is seeking legal advise but it is expensive. She said she is happy to try and do it amicably but then won’t compromise on anything. I know his lawyer will give him advise but just wanted to see if anyone here had experience of it and any suggestions. Seems so unfair when you hear of mums complaining that the dad doesn’t do enough but he wants to but she won’t let him ...

OP posts:

Frazzled99 · 25/02/2021 15:53

@TrustTheGeneGenie

That is precisely why it's none of her business

Weird because she's been with the kids dad for longer than the mum has been with the man she's making them leave all they've ever known for.

Is it also none of his business? Because the reason for this, is him.

Nope, according to the lovely @iceicesunsun , only if she marries him is she entitled to have an opinion or care.

Blueskytoday06 · 25/02/2021 15:54

I think both parents have to agree to school applications or they can't be accepted by the school. And the same for school appeals should the places be refused. Might be worth knowing.

Frazzled99 · 25/02/2021 15:55

@Blueskytoday06

I think both parents have to agree to school applications or they can't be accepted by the school. And the same for school appeals should the places be refused. Might be worth knowing.

Unfortunately not as DH's ex arranged it all without him and he has equal parental responsibility.

Cuppachino · 25/02/2021 15:56

@Bibidy

Errr yeah but children in 2 parent households are still seeing both parents every day??

That's the issue here, the mum's plan is taking the kids away from seeing their dad 50% of the time as they do now

I already replied to that poster and said the same thing as you. You've reposted that and replied as if I said that. They are not my words, they are a quote from a previous poster.

Blueskytoday06 · 25/02/2021 15:59

@Frazzled99 I work in appeals and if the other parent contests the process is stopped

Dervel · 25/02/2021 16:00

I’m a dad and been through similar, he has to make this less about a conflict with the mother and 100% about the best interests of the children. However it will be likely seen in the children’s best interests to maintain the current contact pattern. Honesty I couldn’t give a fig where my ex moves to, as has been pointed out she’s entitled to live her life. However it’s not a slam dunk automatic that she has to take kids with her.

In OP’s case the mother could switch to being the NRP, father could become the resident parent. The children could still see just as much of both parents as they are used to, and maintain the friendships and relationships they have built and with family in the locality.

My ex tried all this acting unilaterally bullshit and the courts did not take kindly to it at all. I wouldn’t hit the court button quite though yet if I was him. Court is a pain a stress and a huge cost (even if you win). What I’d do is offer to go to mediation first outline how the child’s lives can be maintained and the ex can go live with her bf if she wants. Only if she refuses and will only accept things on her terms is it worth going the court route.

Diamondella · 25/02/2021 16:02

She’s putting herself and her new boyfriends needs before the best interests of her kids. She’s moving the kids to a new school - well that needs to be a joint decision - they are your partners children too. I would try and get a free legal consultation- many offer a free half hour just to guide you as to whether or not you have got a case worth fighting etc. Don’t worry about the responses on here - they always hate on dads and step mums.

Blueskytoday06 · 25/02/2021 16:03

@Dervel sound advice. I'd second this.

Bibidy · 25/02/2021 16:06

[quote Cuppachino]**@Bibidy

Errr yeah but children in 2 parent households are still seeing both parents every day??

That's the issue here, the mum's plan is taking the kids away from seeing their dad 50% of the time as they do now

I already replied to that poster and said the same thing as you. You've reposted that and replied as if I said that. They are not my words, they are a quote from a previous poster.[/quote]
I know! Sorry, there isn't a way to quote a post that already has a quote it it. My post is mean to be in agreement with yours.

ILoveYou3000 · 25/02/2021 16:07

Please respond. No one else has who believes this is fine (but I predict you won’t)

Funny that @BillMasen I've had the same lack of response when I ask how this move will benefit the children in any way.

BigPaperBag · 25/02/2021 16:07

Why should she have to stay in an approved postcode just to suit your partner? Why can’t he move if he wants to continue the arrangement as it is?

BigPaperBag · 25/02/2021 16:09

A colleague I know from work has moved twice to be near his son and has no mates or partner but said he would miss him too much otherwise. People do it.

Original poster

toobusytothink · 25/02/2021 16:09

@supersonicginandtonic I don’t know. I’ve a feeling she would then say she has to do all the rubbish during the week and he gets to play Disney dad at the weekends...

OP posts:

Silenceisgolden20 · 25/02/2021 16:10

@BigPaperBag
It's to suit the children, not the father

Unless I've missed it, why can't the mums boyf move? Then kids can stay put.

crazyexornot · 25/02/2021 16:10

I can't believe some of the responses on here. 45 minutes each way every other day is a lot of travelling for the children.

We were in the exact same position before Christmas. My partners ex phoned him and said I'm moving 2 hours away, it's happening you don't have a choice. We spoke to his children who said they were happy to go so my partner didn't put up a fuss. We have them every other weekend and half of holidays now. However, the children HATE it. Every time they come they're in tears saying they don't want to go back, they hate it down there,they miss their family and friends. And it's honestly heart breaking. Thankfully because of schools being closed they have been staying here after their weekends with us as they refuse to go home.

Definitely get legal advise. Going from every other night to 3 nights in 14 days won't be in the best interest of the children. I really hope you get something sorted.

Silenceisgolden20 · 25/02/2021 16:11

@BigPaperBag

A colleague I know from work has moved twice to be near his son and has no mates or partner but said he would miss him too much otherwise. People do it.

He's moved twice? Crazy.

iceicesunsun · 25/02/2021 16:11

Is it also none of his business? Because the reason for this, is him

It's more his business than OP's if they are going to be living in his house but if the children and their mother are going to be living in their own house near his then it is none of his business either.

YoniAndGuy · 25/02/2021 16:12

@BigPaperBag

Why should she have to stay in an approved postcode just to suit your partner? Why can’t he move if he wants to continue the arrangement as it is?

Why should she get to unilaterally decide a change to arrangements when both of them are equal parents?

'approved postcode' - you mean where they jointly agreed to live, where their childrens' home and school and friends are? Yes, damn right it's 'approved' by virtue of those things and no, no one parent has the right to stamp all over that against the will of the other.

TO REITERATE

She can move where she likes
She can have whatever personal relationships she likes
She cannot decide to upend her children's lives, schooling and relationship with their father, all currently operating along mutually agreed lines, because she feels like it because she's the more important parent with the ultimate veto.

She is not.

Original poster

toobusytothink · 25/02/2021 16:13

@Dervel thank you. I think he would love for her to go live with her bf! Just leave the kids! But actually he knows that they need to have a good relationship with both their mum and dad so he wouldn’t try to take them from her. He genuinely just wants to keep 50:50 or even if it ends up being 40:60 to her that he can see them whenever

OP posts:

YoniAndGuy · 25/02/2021 16:13

@crazyexornot

I can't believe some of the responses on here. 45 minutes each way every other day is a lot of travelling for the children.

Definitely get legal advise. Going from every other night to 3 nights in 14 days won't be in the best interest of the children. I really hope you get something sorted.

Would you too go for residency OP? You should!!!

Silenceisgolden20 · 25/02/2021 16:13

The OP sounds supportive. Of course it's her business as a partner to support her boyf in this scenario.

ILoveYou3000 · 25/02/2021 16:14

Why should she have to stay in an approved postcode just to suit your partner? Why can’t he move if he wants to continue the arrangement as it is?

Why should he move to suit her? What benefit is it to the children to be uprooted from their whole lives and have their contact with their father almost halved? What benefit is it for the children to move I with a man they see two nights a fortnight and his child?

DeRigueurMortis · 25/02/2021 16:14

@BigPaperBag

Why should she have to stay in an approved postcode just to suit your partner? Why can’t he move if he wants to continue the arrangement as it is?

It's about staying in the same postcode to the benefit of the children not the father.

So they can stay at the same school/with friends and wider family and continue 50/50 contact with their father whom they are close to.

The question you should be asking is why a mother would want to take her children away from their father, school, friends, extended family to move to a new area, in a home with new step sibling/step parent on the basis of an 18 month relationship?

Cuppachino · 25/02/2021 16:14

@Bibidy

Ah ok, sorry.

Original poster

toobusytothink · 25/02/2021 16:14

@iceicesunsun but in a way it is because the bf is encouraging her to move whilst not even contemplating moving himself towards her ...

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 ··· 12 13 14 ··· 25 26