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Original poster

Bf’s ex says she’s moving away with the kids

626 replies

toobusytothink · 25/02/2021 11:36

So bf and his ex separated 4 years ago. They have 2 kids who are now 5 and 7. They live near each other and bf has always been a hands on dad and for the last 2 years he has had the kids 50/50 but it has just been an informal agreement between themselves. She has a bf who she has been seeing for about 18 months who lives 45 mins away and has said she plans on moving close to him and possibly buying a place with him.

Although this doesn’t sound far, my bf works and I live 45 mins in the opposite direction (otherwise he would consider moving there himself to stay close to the kids).

Bf is incredibly upset. It would mean the kids changing schools. His ex’s mum and sister are in the area so she would be moving away from them and her support network too. Plus she works locally so she would be moving away from work.
She says she now wants to formalise the childcare agreement so that he has the kids EOW and one night per week which my bf has said is not acceptable.

So she would be uprooting the kids away from their dad who they see every other day, away from their school and friends, away from her mum and sister, away from her work, so she can move closer or in with her new partner and build a new life with him ... she says she would be able to afford a bigger house.

He is seeking legal advise but it is expensive. She said she is happy to try and do it amicably but then won’t compromise on anything. I know his lawyer will give him advise but just wanted to see if anyone here had experience of it and any suggestions. Seems so unfair when you hear of mums complaining that the dad doesn’t do enough but he wants to but she won’t let him ...

OP posts:
PleaseLetMeSleeeeep · 25/02/2021 16:37

@iceicesunsun how ridiculous. Half the threads on MN are about other people that posters probably have no business discussing.

I posted a thread the other week about my neighbours and how annoying I found certain things they were doing. I'm sure they would probably have been furious if the knew their neighbour was posting 'information about their life' on Mumsnet.

But you know, seen as I didn't post their name and address alongside my thread, they can't dictate what I post.

OP is as entitled as anyone posting on MN to ask people's advice and opinions on a scenario. Last I checked she didn't post the mother's full name, date of birth and address on here so she's hardly sharing any more personal information than the next person who's thread is about someone else.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 25/02/2021 16:38

@iceicesunsun that was in response to someone else’s suggestion. Well I’m sure you are lovely and perfect so no one would have cause to come on here and criticise you. This is anonymous forum so actually I can. Report me if you want

OP posts:
Bibidy · 25/02/2021 16:39

@toobusytothink

Thank you *@Bibidy* everything you are saying makes sense. Absolutely if she moved and they can still keep the status quo it wouldn’t really matter. It would be so nice if she suggested as you said above
No problem.

Dads get such a hard time on here, even when they are so committed to their children, like your DP (sorry...'bf'!!!! Grin)

I swear some people on here think children are the mother's property and dad's should just feel lucky they get to see them at all.

YoniAndGuy · 25/02/2021 16:40

@Em3189

I moved half hour (ish) away from my children’s dad. It’s not far and we split the travel when he has them during the week. I’ll drop them off and he will bring them back home. It’s not far and definitely not the end of the world. If my ex has threatened to take me to court I probably would of laughed in his face, sorry. There’s not reason why this won’t work.
Nice.
RedGoldAndGreene · 25/02/2021 16:40

45 minutes isn't far for adults to travel but when you're 5 and 7 and have to travel 45 minutes earlier on school mornings and 45 minutes after school, it will take it's toll on the kids.

My kids travelled 45 mins to their Dads at weekends which is fine but after school/before school at primary age would be tough and they'd end up resenting going to Dad's when it's not his choice for them to move anyway.

EnoughnowIthink · 25/02/2021 16:43

She's not free, however, to unilaterally decide she's taken the children and reducing contact with their father by half. What gives her that right

By the same token, the father doesn’t get to decide that the children will live with him and reduce their contact with their mother by half because he also doesn’t have the right. Yet that is what some posters are suggesting.

BusyLizzie61 · 25/02/2021 16:43

Stte
Oh needs to immediately apply for mediation.
Rather than let mediation work, say it isn't. Get signed off and apply to court.
It's only £200 odd for the application.
Request formalising current arrangement based on the precedent set and requesting a lives with order if necessary, disputing wish to relocate based on the above.
Why should he lose out on 5050,if the ex wishes to relocate she can leave the children and have eow...

AbsolutelyCrackin · 25/02/2021 16:45

[quote toobusytothink]@iceicesunsun that was in response to someone else’s suggestion. Well I’m sure you are lovely and perfect so no one would have cause to come on here and criticise you. This is anonymous forum so actually I can. Report me if you want[/quote]
OP don't you know that you're 'just Dad's girlfriend' and you are not allowed an opinion on anything the mother of his children does or says, no matter the effect on your partner. In fact, don't even look in her general direction, don't even BREATHE THE SAME AIR, you are a mere mortal in comparison. Mothers are completely exempt from criticism don't you know?

I'm sure she'd be absolutely furious that another human being had dared to have autonomous thought about a situation.

(Back in the real world, she can be as furious as she likes, you're allowed to think for yourself and have opinions like anyone else HTH).

AbsolutelyCrackin · 25/02/2021 16:47

@EnoughnowIthink

She's not free, however, to unilaterally decide she's taken the children and reducing contact with their father by half. What gives her that right

By the same token, the father doesn’t get to decide that the children will live with him and reduce their contact with their mother by half because he also doesn’t have the right. Yet that is what some posters are suggesting.

I think most posters have suggested this rather in response to those saying it's 'standard' and he should just suck it up and accept EOW.

Surely by the same token, the same could be said for their Mum then? Or is suddenly EOW not so acceptable then?

Bibidy · 25/02/2021 16:48

@EnoughnowIthink

She's not free, however, to unilaterally decide she's taken the children and reducing contact with their father by half. What gives her that right

By the same token, the father doesn’t get to decide that the children will live with him and reduce their contact with their mother by half because he also doesn’t have the right. Yet that is what some posters are suggesting.

But he doesn't want to do that, he just wants to maintain 50/50?

Nobody would be suggesting he go to court etc if the mum wasn't saying there's no way he can have 50/50 anymore.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 25/02/2021 16:48

@BusyLizzie61 thank you. Great advice

OP posts:
LivingDeadGirlUK · 25/02/2021 16:50

@Jobsharenightmare

Hi OP, I think regardless of what other people consider to be the 'norm', going from 50/50 care to EOW seems rubbish and I think legal advice is needed asap too. He will have a totally different relationship with them just seeing them EOW. No mother would be happy with only seeing their children this infrequently.
^^ This

The distance etc is inconvenient but going from 50/50 to EOW is a huge reduction in contact and totally unreasonable imo.

AbsolutelyCrackin · 25/02/2021 16:51

I fail to see how anyone could argue that going from 50:50 to EOW with their Dad is in the best interests of any child.

The distance is a red herring. The reduction in contact is the problem here.

Lovemusic33 · 25/02/2021 16:53

OP, I see why you and your dp are upset but it’s going to be hard to stop her from moving, it is unfair on your dp and the kids but not the end of the world, it can still work. I would take her to court though so you have something in writing regarding contact, you can ask for more contact in school holidays? So every other weekends, one weekday night and half of school holidays? It would but hard to get 50/50 contact due to not being close to the children’s school but still not impossible (if your dp is willing to drive them to school). 45 mins isn’t too bad, it could be a whole lot worse.

Tavannach · 25/02/2021 16:54

Here’s the Gingerbread advice sheet for parents who can’t agree
I agree with Collaborate.

dottiedaisee · 25/02/2021 16:57

@Silenceisgolden20

It's sad really that there's so many shit fathers out there and here is one trying to keep it equal. And there's still barriers to him being able to do that. Legal advice is the way forward
Exactly what I think ...this guy sounds a fantastic Dad who really loves and cares for his children andOP you come across as really having their best interests at heart as well .
Frazzled99 · 25/02/2021 16:57

@iceicesunsun oh give over you absolute crank. If you're so outraged, you might as well head over to the step parents forum and tell half the posters how out of order they all are. Why don't you just leave this thread you're in no way adding anything to it.

BatleyTownswomensGuild · 25/02/2021 17:00

I wonder if the responses to this post would be the same if the Dad was moving away and the Mum had to do the travelling. Hmm.

Personally, I think it's unfair. Dad's have rights too and if the kids are currently seeing their Dad every other day, this will be a big change for them.

No advice to offer, OP. But hope it works out. Thanks

ILoveYou3000 · 25/02/2021 17:02

By the same token, the father doesn’t get to decide that the children will live with him and reduce their contact with their mother by half because he also doesn’t have the right. Yet that is what some posters are suggesting.

Are they? I think most people have simply asked those saying it's okay, how would it be if the dad were to do the same thing.

He hasn't suggested doing so. He is in fact willing to compromise, but not to the point of having his contact halved and his children's lives completely uprooted.

PaterPower · 25/02/2021 17:10

OP - your partner can apply for a Prohibited Steps Order which will stop her just moving the kids away. He can apply for an emergency one which will cover the situation until they can get in front of the family court to formalise arrangements.

It’s not going to be cheap and the court may not keep the order in place after a full hearing but at least he’ll stop the immediate move away.

From my own experience (50:50 care for two years, hands on fully equal parenting before the split) the FC will bend over backwards to find in favour of the Mother. My ex was allowed to move a LOT further than 45 mins away and the court thought it was absolutely fine to change (me) over to an EOW and half holidays model. I was also happy to have the DC here and for her to move and go to EOW. Needless to say, she wasn’t at all prepared to go to what she thought I should just shrug and put up with. But then, empathy of any sort was never her strong suit.

I will never forgive the three magistrates, or my exW, for the wilful destruction of the existing relationship I had with my DC. And I always find it more than ironic that the same people who think the “kids belong to Mum come whatever” are the same crowd that bleat on about how Dads should step up to the plate more.

IEat · 25/02/2021 17:11

His ex cannot be expected to not live her life. Yes it’s annoying but she has the right to be happy just as he has.
An additional 45 mins travel time is nothing , if he wants it to work it will.

You can’t begrudge this woman and her relationship. What if it was the other way and you lived away from your BF and he wanted to move with the kids but she was being a pain in the arse. The arrangement of who has the kids and when even if formal will still work. It’s 45mins away not 45 hours

VampireBaby · 25/02/2021 17:18

@IEat

His ex cannot be expected to not live her life. Yes it’s annoying but she has the right to be happy just as he has. An additional 45 mins travel time is nothing , if he wants it to work it will. You can’t begrudge this woman and her relationship. What if it was the other way and you lived away from your BF and he wanted to move with the kids but she was being a pain in the arse. The arrangement of who has the kids and when even if formal will still work. It’s 45mins away not 45 hours
And what of the rights of the children to a relationship with their Dad? She is proposing (well dictating actually) cutting their contact with him by over half. What of their rights? Surely they are the most important ones here?

It's not about, or shouldn't be about, what Mum or Dad wants. The children have a right to see their Dad and they are currently used to seeing him 50% of the time. Do you think it in their interest to suddenly switch to seeing him two weekends a month?

Why does Mum's right to be happy come above that?

Milliepossum · 25/02/2021 17:27

@PleaseLetMeSleeeeep

And for those saying '45 minutes isn't that far, I travel 3hrs, take 7 buses and cross the Atlantic to get to work every day' are surely missing the point. In my view any way.

45 minutes might not be a huge commute for an adult going to work. But for a small child, 45 minutes just to get to school is a long time imo, would it be even longer in rush hour too?

This means the child has to get up so much earlier in the morning, losing an hour of sleep every morning, being exhausted before even getting to school. This has compounding health effects as well as being detrimental to education. The mother is a selfish cow for putting this burden on the children.
PinkGinny · 25/02/2021 17:39

It is about moving 45 mins away as the move is what impacts the 50/50. If you accept asking children to travel 45 mins am & pm for school, plus the impact on their out-of-school lives is not in their best interests then 50/50 becomes untenable.

There is no way for her to move and the children to still see each parent 50/50. It just can't sensibly work and to force it to fit by insisting on
no school move is selfish - with the respect to the children.

The dad wants his life as it is to continue and the mum want's to move. There has to be compromise - which neither seem inclined to do. The dad could move job (reduce his commute); but why should he? The mum can stay put but will be filled with rage at not being allowed to move on whilst her ex lives his best life. Sounds fab for all.

If there is no compromise to be had then off to Court they go - neither guaranteed a good outcome, conflict is however guaranteed and children stuck in the middle. Great parenting by both / neither.

Saying he doesn't mind if she moves (although there is a decent amount of judging by the OP tbf) but 50/50 must be maintained (or as near as ) is disingenuous at best.

ILoveYou3000 · 25/02/2021 17:41

His ex cannot be expected to not live her life. Yes it’s annoying but she has the right to be happy just as he has.
An additional 45 mins travel time is nothing , if he wants it to work it will.

You can’t begrudge this woman and her relationship. What if it was the other way and you lived away from your BF and he wanted to move with the kids but she was being a pain in the arse. The arrangement of who has the kids and when even if formal will still work. It’s 45mins away not 45 hours

OP does live away from her bf. It's not about the rights of the mother to have a life of her own, it's about the needs of the children, and what is best for them.

Mum is well within her rights to move in with her boyfriend. She's not within her rights to just tell their dad it's what is happening without any discussion or willingness to compromise and find a solution that works for everyone.

I'll ask you as no one seems able to answer; how is this in any way in the best interests of the children? Having their time with a dad they're close to halved, moving in with a man they see 2 nights a fortnight and his child, moving schools and moving away from an extended family they appear to have a lot of involvement with.