Bf’s ex says she’s moving away with the kids

[toobusytothink]

So bf and his ex separated 4 years ago. They have 2 kids who are now 5 and 7. They live near each other and bf has always been a hands on dad and for the last 2 years he has had the kids 50/50 but it has just been an informal agreement between themselves. She has a bf who she has been seeing for about 18 months who lives 45 mins away and has said she plans on moving close to him and possibly buying a place with him.

Although this doesn’t sound far, my bf works and I live 45 mins in the opposite direction (otherwise he would consider moving there himself to stay close to the kids).

Bf is incredibly upset. It would mean the kids changing schools. His ex’s mum and sister are in the area so she would be moving away from them and her support network too. Plus she works locally so she would be moving away from work.
She says she now wants to formalise the childcare agreement so that he has the kids EOW and one night per week which my bf has said is not acceptable.

So she would be uprooting the kids away from their dad who they see every other day, away from their school and friends, away from her mum and sister, away from her work, so she can move closer or in with her new partner and build a new life with him ... she says she would be able to afford a bigger house.

He is seeking legal advise but it is expensive. She said she is happy to try and do it amicably but then won’t compromise on anything. I know his lawyer will give him advise but just wanted to see if anyone here had experience of it and any suggestions. Seems so unfair when you hear of mums complaining that the dad doesn’t do enough but he wants to but she won’t let him ...

One in particular is a real daddy’s boy and would struggle with not seeing him.

But this doesn't matter OP, as the ex has a right to move on 🙄

He sounds like a fantastic dad and this could really have an impact on his relationship with his two sons.

You've had some great advice for him upthread but I think the key point is your bf shouldn't agree to anything without legal advice, and he should be documenting everything.

You should have posted this in Legal and avoided much of the pile on of arseholes.

She needs his consent to change schools. As they have a shared care arrangement it's not down to her.

I would advise him (and I'm a family lawyer) to apply to court for sole care. She's the one being selfish - uprooting the children from their school just so that her boyfriend doesn't have to move. Those posters who have had the knee-jerk reaction of hurling criticism at OP should take a long hard look in the mirror.

@nancywhitehead

Sorry but I am inclined to say that the ex does have a right to move on with her life in the way that she wants to. Yes it's quite disruptive for the kids, could be seen as a little selfish, but parents make decisions like this all the time and for whatever reason they uproot their kids and take them to a different school. It happens.

It does kind of suck, but it's her decision and it's not something that the courts are likely to care about as it's not like she's moving abroad.

You will just have to find a way between yourselves and accept that the kids' mum isn't always going to live 5 minutes down the road. People move. I suppose another option is that he gets custody so the kids stay at their current school and mum just has the kids EOW? Would that work?

I think the point is that it really really isn't - or shouldn't - be her decision to move the children to a different school or to change her living arrangement such that there is any diminishment of the children's time with their father or a significant burden to him in maintaining current level of access. If the courts don't care about this as you say, they bloody well should. Sadly, it is only by some people - in this case men - having the resources and the courage to fight for what is best for their children and for them too, that necessary social change is sometimes pushed forward. We have got to get past this automatic assumption that the mum is the default parent regardless of the circumstances, personalities, etc.

@ILoveYou3000 interesting question. So when it’s her weekend with the kids she always takes them to his. But on her days during the week she has them at her house: so she actually currently already spends 9 nights a week with him. 7 alone when my bf has the kids and then 2 with the kids. My bf never brings his kids to mine conversely as we both think it’s important to have our own time with our own kids. I’m not going to judge her for doing that every weekend but honestly I think she does it because she struggles to look after them by herself. She would previously have met up with friends or her family but obviously can’t do that at the moment so relies on her bf for all the support: maybe once we are out of lockdown she will realise she doesn’t need to do that

@Cuppachino

Children in two parent households move home and move schools. It's not argued that because a child has been settled in an area for x years their parents may not relocate them and everything must be preserved identically until the child leaves home. Life moves on

This is not even comparable to the situation being discussed. Children who move with their 2 parents will not have to travel back and forth to see one parent. They are not having their time with one parent taken away.

Errr yeah but children in 2 parent households are still seeing both parents every day??

That's the issue here, the mum's plan is taking the kids away from seeing their dad 50% of the time as they do now.

@nancywhitehead Actually it’s not her choice. She can move. But she cannot move those children without his say so

@Collaborate thank you

@bombastical

and I’m afraid you bleat on about “best interest of the child” but your post clearly illustrates that you are only interested in best interests of your BF. You’ve had it cushy up until now. She’s entitled to move on and live her best life. Best interests of the kids doesn’t mean you and your BF getting your own way. Your BF can still do 50/50 but he’s going to have to make some adjustments, put in more legwork and make ore effort. He was lucky it was all in his doorstep up until now. The majority of people I know who have split, the woman moves away and it’s further than 45 minutes. You should be breathing a sigh of relief to be honest. One woman I know moved back to her hometown after the split which was 3 hours away. Nasty and expensive court battle. They ruled in her favour. Make the 45 minutes work. He can start work earlier one day and finish early and go pick them up. There’s no reason why he can’t travel to drop them off at school a couple of times a week or ask for longer weekends so he picks them up on a Thursday night and drops them to school on a Monday morning. He can also ask for more holiday time so have more full weeks to make up. There are 6 weeks summer hols. If he doesn’t want to try and work around then that’s not acceptable behaviour and he’s throwing a tantrum for his own benefit and laziness rather than “best interests of child” which is often trotted out by selfish men who are no longer just getting their own way.

Why should he be the one to do all the to'ing and fro'ing!?

He's currently an active parent with 50/50 access to his child. His Ex is the one that has decided to uproot the apple cart - she can absolutely live her best life - including driving her children back to their current school and their dads for his 50% - given that it's "only 45mins"

The courts actually try to uphold the status quo so they will be unlikely to bend on a change of school or childcare arrangements if she moves and in all liklihood, she will have to do the drop offs and pick ups.

@nancywhitehead

Sorry but I am inclined to say that the ex does have a right to move on with her life in the way that she wants to. Yes it's quite disruptive for the kids, could be seen as a little selfish, but parents make decisions like this all the time and for whatever reason they uproot their kids and take them to a different school. It happens.

It does kind of suck, but it's her decision and it's not something that the courts are likely to care about as it's not like she's moving abroad.

You will just have to find a way between yourselves and accept that the kids' mum isn't always going to live 5 minutes down the road. People move. I suppose another option is that he gets custody so the kids stay at their current school and mum just has the kids EOW? Would that work?

Are you totally missing te fact it’s equal shared care? She’s not the dp making a decision here, she’s one equal permit trying to make a unilateral decision that the other parent sees the kids less.

This question has been asked of other posters, so I’ll ask you. What if the dad, equal parent, decided to move away with the kids and tell the mum she had to do EOW? Do you say then that it’s his decision?

Please respond. No one else has who believes this is fine (but I predict you won’t)

[quote toobusytothink]@ILoveYou3000 interesting question. So when it’s her weekend with the kids she always takes them to his. But on her days during the week she has them at her house: so she actually currently already spends 9 nights a week with him. 7 alone when my bf has the kids and then 2 with the kids. My bf never brings his kids to mine conversely as we both think it’s important to have our own time with our own kids. I’m not going to judge her for doing that every weekend but honestly I think she does it because she struggles to look after them by herself. She would previously have met up with friends or her family but obviously can’t do that at the moment so relies on her bf for all the support: maybe once we are out of lockdown she will realise she doesn’t need to do that[/quote]
Jesus, she's sounding worse and worse... and that's with you seeming a very fair-minded and non-judgemental person. I think as others have said, I think if only so that he can say he 'fought' to keep as much in his children's lives as possible, your boyfriend needs to seek legal advice and pursue legal avenues. I feel terribly sorry for your boyfriend, I really do.

Too many typos to correct. Sorry. It makes sense though?..

I'd just let them get on with it. I wouldn't change my life to suit them. If your partner wants to move let him.

Why can't her boyf move?

Some of the responses on this thread take me straight back to the worst of the BBC parenting message boards from 15 plus years ago.

50:50 makes no difference to who can decide about schooling if they both have PR, it's a decision that can involve both parents unless you are like my ex who said "I can't be bothered, you do it" - well that suited me fine.

Covid is a very good additional point.

He should state that his children have just had an emotionally difficult year, the last thing they need is to have their time with their father and male role model drastically cut and be moved to a new location away from father, grandmother, aunt etc. as well as all their friends.

OP, he will need to be super tough... but another thing to remember - the likeliest outcome of this would actually be that she gives in on moving, or ends up going back to her boyfriend and actually saying, we need a solution which makes MY kids a priority too so we need to move somewhere in the middle. It is not at all a given that she would get what she wants. If he says right, I'm going for residency and here are the reasons - she might be advised that he's quite likely to get it and does she want to take the risk... the answer might be no.

I also have to say that the fact that they are both boys might go in his favour.

@angieloumc

Wow, she's not a step mum, nor has she said she is, she's their dad's girlfriend.

That is precisely why it's none of her business.

@Covidworries

I would suggest that he ask for the children to stay with him and she has contact while she settles into new area. Ie gets a job there, ensures that living together is working out. Then the children could move schools at a later date. If she is going to keep her job in the area she currently lives then contact could possible continue as now. If she wont be able to keep job then contact can be discussed.ifmums family are also in orriginal area this seems like it could work well. Even if its a short term solution. I would also ask that if/when children move that Dad has 3 weekends out of 4 and 1 night a week. Its important to have compromises and ideas to discuss. Saying she cant move isnt an option. But there are options which enable consistency for children both in way of schooling, meaningful relationships with both parents and the wider family

This sounds like a fair and considered suggestion.

The best thing he can do at the moment is try and stay calm and civil with her, attempt to come up with a solution that she sees as win win. If he starts being combative that is when things will go tits up quickly.

Framing it as a temporary thing will help her accept it as an option, when she (unfairly) wouldn’t accept EOW permanently even though she expects him to.

Has anyone spoken to the DC about it and how they feel about moving house/school/blending families etc?

But on her days during the week she has them at her house: so she actually currently already spends 9 nights a week with him.

How does she manage to spend 9 nights a week with him?

If he currently has 50/50 there is nothing to stop him making an application to the court to have residence and that the ex has a contact order.

That is precisely why it's none of her business

Weird because she's been with the kids dad for longer than the mum has been with the man she's making them leave all they've ever known for.

Is it also none of his business? Because the reason for this, is him.

God, so glad this thread has moved on from the first few ridiculous responses! I second all those saying that he should forget about appeasing her - that’s what he’s been doing up to now, and the end result is she thinks she can walk all over him.

All I would add OP, is that this isn’t your battle. I kind of get the impression that you’re pushing him to get tougher, but it might be much better if it were the solicitor who acts tough. Just accept that this is going to cost money.

I moved an hour away from my children's dad, 4 years ago. Since I moved he has had them every weekend and half the school holidays. Is this something she would consider? It works very well for us all.

I’m glad you’ve got some good advice op. You sound like you really care about what happens to these children and it’s lovely to see. I hope your dp is successful.