Bf’s ex says she’s moving away with the kids

[toobusytothink]

So bf and his ex separated 4 years ago. They have 2 kids who are now 5 and 7. They live near each other and bf has always been a hands on dad and for the last 2 years he has had the kids 50/50 but it has just been an informal agreement between themselves. She has a bf who she has been seeing for about 18 months who lives 45 mins away and has said she plans on moving close to him and possibly buying a place with him.

Although this doesn’t sound far, my bf works and I live 45 mins in the opposite direction (otherwise he would consider moving there himself to stay close to the kids).

Bf is incredibly upset. It would mean the kids changing schools. His ex’s mum and sister are in the area so she would be moving away from them and her support network too. Plus she works locally so she would be moving away from work.
She says she now wants to formalise the childcare agreement so that he has the kids EOW and one night per week which my bf has said is not acceptable.

So she would be uprooting the kids away from their dad who they see every other day, away from their school and friends, away from her mum and sister, away from her work, so she can move closer or in with her new partner and build a new life with him ... she says she would be able to afford a bigger house.

He is seeking legal advise but it is expensive. She said she is happy to try and do it amicably but then won’t compromise on anything. I know his lawyer will give him advise but just wanted to see if anyone here had experience of it and any suggestions. Seems so unfair when you hear of mums complaining that the dad doesn’t do enough but he wants to but she won’t let him ...

@Quartz2208 thank you. That makes sense

@bombastical you sound a right twat

@SandyY2K no she hasn’t done that yet. Thank you

@toobusytothink

Yes he is prepared to compromise on the 50:50 thing, even down to 5 nights a fortnight but would prefer 6) but she is the one who just says no to anything that she hasn’t suggested. And has said a flat no to 50:50 and she is moving away with no alternative. He will compromise but as I said she can then justify moving away with the kids if he sees them less so she gets everything she wants

Okay - so how does he think that 5/3 days a fortnight can work.

That doesn't require his children commuting 90 minutes daily (regardless of whether he or his ex is doing the driving).

A Friday pick-up to Monday drop-off is 3 nights. One other night each week = 5 per fortnight.

Extend the long weekends at start and end of a school holiday period by a day or so; split the rest of the holidays 50/50.

Is the real sticking point the change of school?

*sorry should be 5 / 6 days a fortnight will work... [fat fingers]

What if the dad suddenly decided that the mum's contact would be reduced from 50% to EOW and 1 day?

It's pretty shit whichever way you look at it but she is allowed to move on and have a new relationship, just as her ex has.

OP - for context, I moved 350 miles when my ex husband left, this was agreed by the courts. There was a 50/50 informal agreement in place when the courts agreed it. Fundamentally, it came down to our children's ages (one was still breastfeeding) but also ex's attitude to money and the fact that he had cleared out our bank accounts and refused to pay any maintenance for over a year. I moved away to go back to family and where housing was far cheaper (although jobs not particularly plentiful). Ex was also obstructive at every turn which didn't help his case. In fact, I would say the judge bent over backwards to give him the benefit of the doubt. There was much made in court of being allowed to move on/get on with life and that is where the sticking point may be.

Compromise will mean that someone loses out but the children come off worst. You can put that in the hands of the courts or you can sort it out yourself, remembering that if it doesn't go your way in court (and there is no guarentee), you may end up with something worse than you could have negoiated through mediation. And any positive parenting relationship is lost forever.

@ILoveYou3000 yes that’s what I don’t get either. If she was moving to be closer to family I would actually understand and he would definitely be more sympathetic. But he just doesn’t understand why she is doing this. She spends so much time with her mum and her sister. They are so close. They would be gutted too! (Plus they do a lot of childcare and help her out)

Courts don’t like this. I know of two female acquaintances who lost custody of their children when similar moves (one only 30 miles away!) were challenged by the father in court.

If it were me I’d go to court and ask for residency. We’ve just come out of a pandemic and our children are all fragile. Absolutely selfish to move away from their school, friends and family for the sake of a new relationship.

If he goes in for full residency, and his ex can have EOW contact instead.

However going into he assumption that you go into these Things expecting a compromise maybe your bf will end up with 50/50 as is.

Anyway that is what I would do even if I failed in my attempt I could always tell my children I fought for their best interests.

Good luck to your bf.

What if the dad suddenly decided that the mum's contact would be reduced from 50% to EOW and 1 day?

It's pretty shit whichever way you look at it but she is allowed to move on and have a new relationship, just as her ex has.

She is welcome to move on and even move in with her boyfriend, but it isn't OK to say that the kids are going with her and their dad has to just accept seeing them less.

It's not like she has the kids full time and their dad only has them every other weekend, it's literally 50/50 so why does she get to take that away? She could live with her boyfriend and leave the kids at their current school, and continue with the 50/50.

[quote BabyBee93]@bombastical you sound a right twat [/quote]
Agreed, but this is the poster who thinks nothing should stand in the way of the mother 'living her best life'

Well if its 50/50 - simple
Kids stay where they are an their mother does 1 night a week and eow

A Friday pick-up to Monday drop-off is 3 nights. One other night each week = 5 per fortnight.

In fairness, this is true. Friday after school until Monday morning school drop off is 3 nights and then one night during each week takes is up to 5 nights per fortnight.

It does mean he wouldn't see them for a week when it isn't his weekend turn though, which I guess is why he doesn't want to do this arrangement.

@Quartz2208

Great then this is where he starts with the action then asking for 5/6 nights a fortnight and a larger holiday split. A say in which local school they move to and try and make it so it is his side.

You need to stop thinking about it as her getting everything she wants a creating a siutaiton that works for everyone without court.

Courts will come in if none of this works but will be a massive expense

I'm sorry but this is very poor advice. DP needs proper legal advice. The aim in a divorce case is to get the optimum solution for the kids, and the fairest solution for the adults. It is not necessarily to avoid court - and indeed the threat of court could lead to an out of court settlement.

Any compromise he makes now could impact his position in the long run. So he should not take any steps without being specifically advised to do so by a lawyer. A lawyer will help him avoid court if possible.

At the moment he's in a strong position to argue 50:50, and potentially to go for PR.

Children in two parent households move home and move schools. It's not argued that because a child has been settled in an area for x years their parents may not relocate them and everything must be preserved identically until the child leaves home. Life moves on

This is not even comparable to the situation being discussed. Children who move with their 2 parents will not have to travel back and forth to see one parent. They are not having their time with one parent taken away.

What's so frustrating is that this mother seems to have a charmed existence just as it is! Her children with her half the time (as seems to suit her), the other half free to spend good times with her boyfriend, a supportive family and community around her, an extremely involved and flexible ex and father to her children and by the sound of it, children who sound very well-adjusted and surrounded with love and care. And she is willing to at best compromise and at worst destroy at least some of this for some bloke she knows 18 months. To use the old mumsnet line, has he a golden cock or something? If I was any way connected to her I'd be giving her a good shake. She could easily end up with pissed off family, a now combatitive ex, unhappy childen in a new place where she doesn't have ties. And to be doing this during/at the tail end one of the most difficult periods we have all lived through, the mind boggles.

I would suggest that he ask for the children to stay with him and she has contact while she settles into new area. Ie gets a job there, ensures that living together is working out. Then the children could move schools at a later date. If she is going to keep her job in the area she currently lives then contact could possible continue as now. If she wont be able to keep job then contact can be discussed.ifmums family are also in orriginal area this seems like it could work well. Even if its a short term solution.
I would also ask that if/when children move that Dad has 3 weekends out of 4 and 1 night a week.
Its important to have compromises and ideas to discuss. Saying she cant move isnt an option. But there are options which enable consistency for children both in way of schooling, meaningful relationships with both parents and the wider family

@toobusytothink How much time do the children currently spend with the new boyfriend and his child?

Sorry but I am inclined to say that the ex does have a right to move on with her life in the way that she wants to. Yes it's quite disruptive for the kids, could be seen as a little selfish, but parents make decisions like this all the time and for whatever reason they uproot their kids and take them to a different school. It happens.

It does kind of suck, but it's her decision and it's not something that the courts are likely to care about as it's not like she's moving abroad.

You will just have to find a way between yourselves and accept that the kids' mum isn't always going to live 5 minutes down the road. People move. I suppose another option is that he gets custody so the kids stay at their current school and mum just has the kids EOW? Would that work?

@TatianaBis
I didn't say there was anything wrong with him been the RP?

The sticking point is the school but also the 50:50. He had kids so he could bring them up. He doesn’t want to relinquish that responsibility. He wants to be near them so they can see him whenever they want. One in particular is a real daddy’s boy and would struggle with not seeing him. He says he would cope if necessary but doesn’t want his kids to think he has deserted them. So if he could at least be nearby then he could still be a hands on dad. He would even be prepared to move to where she is moving if it wasn’t for the 1 hour 15min commute he would then have to make to work or to see me

It does kind of suck, but it's her decision

No. It’s not her decision. She and her ex are equal parents with shared care of the children.

Why are you pretending she’s more important?

@theleafandnotthetree I know!!! She has no idea how easy she has it! Honestly she can see her bf whenever she wants. I don’t get it! They only live 45 mins from each other

Also. I just thought about the fact we are in a middle of a pandemic and the last 12 months would have made relationships more difficult and not normal type dating. So how much contact have the ex and her bf had over the last 18months. I would be concerned that the children are unlikely to have build a good relationship withthe Bf yet and thatmore changes onto0 of what has been a difficult 12 months for children in relation to being able to see friends, family do normal activities, have their normal rountines is prob not a great idea as they need some stability before moving away from their other parent and wider family

@EnoughnowIthink

What if the dad suddenly decided that the mum's contact would be reduced from 50% to EOW and 1 day?

It's pretty shit whichever way you look at it but she is allowed to move on and have a new relationship, just as her ex has.

OP - for context, I moved 350 miles when my ex husband left, this was agreed by the courts. There was a 50/50 informal agreement in place when the courts agreed it. Fundamentally, it came down to our children's ages (one was still breastfeeding) but also ex's attitude to money and the fact that he had cleared out our bank accounts and refused to pay any maintenance for over a year. I moved away to go back to family and where housing was far cheaper (although jobs not particularly plentiful). Ex was also obstructive at every turn which didn't help his case. In fact, I would say the judge bent over backwards to give him the benefit of the doubt. There was much made in court of being allowed to move on/get on with life and that is where the sticking point may be.

Compromise will mean that someone loses out but the children come off worst. You can put that in the hands of the courts or you can sort it out yourself, remembering that if it doesn't go your way in court (and there is no guarentee), you may end up with something worse than you could have negoiated through mediation. And any positive parenting relationship is lost forever.

This is exactly why it's important for your BF to seek legal advice.

As Enough has graciously detailed the reasons she was allowed to move following a 50/50 split were very specific (obstructive Ex, cleaning out bank accounts, moving to family support network, more affordable housing). All of which led the court to rule the move was in the children's best interests.

None of these apply to your Ex.

He's got some pretty solid reasons to at here that are in his children's benefit:

• consistently of care/access to both parents
• continuity of school
• maintaining close access to wider family support (grandparents/aunt)

A good solicitor will help draft a case to explain why they need to remain at the same school.

The mum can move where she likes but shouldn't expect not to be challenged in making serious decisions in isolation that from what you've posted are detrimental to the children.