Husband fantasising about my close friend! Do you move on?

[Zara9897]

DH is into role playing. Last night he said he likes the idea of me being the friend (role play) etc. He said he doesn't find her attractive at all and its just fantasising but I just don't understand this.

I am so upset by this and have felt down all day. He realised last night I got upset and has apologised and called me several times today apologising.

It's a bit close for comfort for my liking, I'd be driving myself mad thinking he fancied her!
Would he be fine with you wanting him to role play being his mate?

@Summerisneardontfear

It's a bit close for comfort for my liking, I'd be driving myself mad thinking he fancied her! Would he be fine with you wanting him to role play being his mate?

No I doubt he would be fine with that - he does always tell me he wants me to be comfortable and tell him everything.

That is what has been upsetting me a lot. Does he like her? Does he want her? She is a lovely person and I would hate to put a distance between me and her because of him

Wtf was he thinking!

Either this is the most monumentally insensitively stupid cock up of the century...or he is a complete pig.

Does he have form for insensitivity?

Or perhaps...form for isolating you from friends/damaging your friendsips? Because how can you have this friend over again after this?

(I'd choose the friend and pan him I think).

Eee...why does 'he wants me to tell him everything' not seem like a comforting thing in this instance.

I'd defo be questioning if he was controlling op and this little ploy was to cause you to lose touch with a good friend.

How long have you been together?

Because how can you have this friend over again after this?

Exactly

@Wanderlusto

Eee...why does 'he wants me to tell him everything' not seem like a comforting thing in this instance.

I'd defo be questioning if he was controlling op and this little ploy was to cause you to lose touch with a good friend.

How long have you been together?

We have been together for 10 years now.

He is a very caring husband and an excellent father. He goes out of his way to make me happy but I just feel like now something has broken. I don't feel comfortable at all

Shot sorry, wrong thread. I'll report that.

Hmm...
Its certainly an odd one op. If he hasn't displayed any dodgy behaviours before the maybe it was just a monumental thoughtless cock up.

I guess you have a hard choice ahead. Really not sure what I would do.

I'm not surprised you are upset. That is serious head messing stuff. Have you ever discussed fantasising about RL friends before? It seems he's either misjudged this spectacularly, feels he's been green lighted to share such thoughts or consciously or not there are grounds for his feelings.

That’s incredibly inappropriate
I don’t know if I could stay with him if I were you

I thought most role playing was more about like...roles? Like teachers, police, nurse (ok I know these are cliche). How are you supposed to pretend to be your friend is it like he wants to pretend he's cheating on you if you see what I mean?

Baffling OP. I would not be happy. I'd want him to explain the thought process.

It’s the kind of stupid thing my H would say off the top of his head without thinking too. I think OP it may be the scenario of ‘a friend’ rather than specifically this friend but I would be very upset too

A specific friend of yours then? I wouldn't be ok with that.

He's made it clear he fancies your friend. The really weird part is that he told you about it and thought you would be ok with that, to the point of joining in with a role playing sexual fantastic of him shagging her! So, so weird.

Ouch!!

That said, if things are good otherwise, I would have a word with him and move on. Everyone says the wrong thing from time to time, no matter how deep their love for and commitment to their partner. Explain role-playing cannot possibly involve you playing specific individuals since there will just be hellish fallout. And you can quite do without the weirdness and upset, thank you very much. As you said, he wouldn’t like it if you wanted to role play him being one of his mates.

Personally, I think it’s quite normal to find other individuals attractive (wedding vows would hardly be necessary otherwise). It’s what you do about it that matters. The whole point of loving and being committed to your partner is that you value and love them beyond all others and attractions to others are trivial in comparison.

My ex asked me once to pretend to be a neighbour who has come round for a coffee and then seduced him! I’d only been with him for 6m!!! He was an ex very quickly after that

What a weird, and insensitive request! When you roleplay have you ever before played at being people you actually know, or was this the first? Was it certain characteristics he wanted in the role and she has them - e.g she wears a uniform to work, or is quite dominant etc. Or was the role play more around her physical appearance e.g big boobs, or curly hair etc.

If your roleplay normally includes other real life people, then I can see why he thought of your friend as just another character. However, if this is the first time, it's definitely very inappropriate and would make me very uncomfortable too.

I mean I'm aware that my bf prob does find some of my friends attractive (they are all gorgeous), but wanting me to be them during sex is pretty icky. But if he's a good DH in every other way, I would just assume he used your friend as a reference for a character he wanted, rather than just the way she physically looked... I know it's not much comfort but it could be a way to move on.

Yeah he was monumentally stupid. Everyone knows if you’re going to role play you keep it safe, by not making it too close to home!

Rationally I know that my DH will find other people attractive from time to time, and in amongst them will be some of my friends or people in our social circle - and I’m actually perfectly okay with that, but I’d definitely be very upset at actually being told about it, so I understand how you’re feeling.

Similarly, there has been a man or two that I have found very attractive/been drawn to/had a slight crush on for a time, in the time I’ve been with DH. I see that as perfectly fine, perfectly normal, and really not a problem. It doesn’t in any way diminish or take away from the fact that it’s DH that I love, am madly in love with and still very much fancy. So I would afford him the same right to an inner world as I allow myself. But I wouldn’t want to know about it, and I’d certainly never hurt my DH’s feelings by telling him about men who I find interesting/attractive!

This is the difficulty with any kind of ‘fun’ sex/fantasy/play. It can very quickly become not so fun.

Hope you manage to get past it (if you decide that’s what you want to do). If he’s a good, decent man and has always treated you well then I think it’d be a shame to let this ruin it, and you can probably come back from it. Maybe just don’t play any more of this type of role play game as I don’t think it’s right for you!

Absolutely not. If it’s just a fantasy and nothing to do with this specific woman why did he mention her? Not ok!

Role playing is exactly that - role playing, not person playing.

Weird, weird, weird. Many people might feel some attraction to their partner's friends but you generally don't tell them (some couples, often v long-term couples have the sort of relationship where they can acknowledge and be playful about attractions to others including partber's friends) and you definitely don't ask them to role play being your mate in sex.

I'm surprised to hear he's been a good partner & father; because this is totally off. Like something I'd expect from someone who has no sense of what is appropriate in life, relationships, whatever.

I’m open minded but that is just not sexy. I’d also feel weird about it and it would make me feel uncomfortable being in situations with him and her together- not because of the friend, but because I’d be imagining what he was thinking around her eg visualising shagging her/adding images to the wankbank.

Its not necessarily a deal breaker if everything else is good, but he has definitely crossed a line trying to engage you in a role so close to home and it would take time for me to get my head around it/be able to inwardly brush it off. Very awkward and what a tool for going there!!

Roles are (clichéd) up for it french maid to hotel guest, sexy police man or woman to driver caught speeding, workman to house wife, stripper to customer etc etc ... Not "your mate Rebecca".

Like wtaf.

I'm not surprised you feel something is broken. At the bottom of this is his utter stupidity and lack of understanding about how respect works in relationships.
At the end of the day we all know that we all may fancy other people from time to time. But most of us know that it's better left unsaid, especially with people we know personally.
Tell him he's a monumental arse, then forget all about it.

This would fuck with my head. I'd constantly be wondering if he was thinking about her etc.. I couldn't socialise with her with him around. Honestly this would be a relationship breaker for me. Some may call me over dramatic but I know I wouldn't be able to let it go.