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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband fantasising about my close friend! Do you move on?

108 replies

Zara9897 · 24/02/2021 13:01

DH is into role playing. Last night he said he likes the idea of me being the friend (role play) etc. He said he doesn't find her attractive at all and its just fantasising but I just don't understand this.

I am so upset by this and have felt down all day. He realised last night I got upset and has apologised and called me several times today apologising.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 26/02/2021 17:31

I'm sorry. Flowers

He was way way way out of line for suggesting someone you actually know. He fancies her or he wouldn't have made the suggestion.

I like role play but it's never anyone we actually know.
Generic like hot fireman, cartoon characters, etc.

imalmostthere · 26/02/2021 17:34

Oh op. I'm so sorry Thanks
I would have lost the plot and you are absolutely right to be upset. I don't know what he was thinking.

SoulofanAggron · 26/02/2021 17:43

Husband has moved to guest room for the time being. He keeps apologising saying he messed up he didn't think I'd be this upset

Your level of upset is completely normal and understandable.

I'd hate to continue as if nothing happened but I don't know how life will be without him.

Has he really not been sleazy, annoying, coercive or anything much before?

He'll just have to work on winning back your trust and respect.

SoulofanAggron · 26/02/2021 17:45

Well done for letting him know how you feel and him being in the spare room. He needs to know he can't take you for granted.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 26/02/2021 17:49

I'd divorce him for role play - I hate it. Its more tedious than even work role play. I think he's just been monumentally stupid and insensitive and deserves to suffer for at least a week.

BlueThistles · 26/02/2021 17:59

He keeps apologising saying he messed up he didn't think I'd be this upset and how he would never intentionally hurt me.

this has to be the most insensitive arrogant selfish self absorbed statement I ever read.....

how the hell did he expect you feel ? does he respond to this question ?

Im heart sorry for you OP... he has fractured your soul 😔

BlueThistles · 26/02/2021 18:00

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I'd divorce him for role play - I hate it. Its more tedious than even work role play. I think he's just been monumentally stupid and insensitive and deserves to suffer for at least a week.
A week !?

for asking OP to pretend she's her friend for him during sex... 🤔

christ you're very forgiving 😳

Original poster
Zara9897 · 26/02/2021 18:56

I havent asked him anything.. Im to upset to even talk about it. I just sent him a message (I know I could talk but the second I open my mouth I start crying and I want my feelings to be known properly.) telling him how he has made me feel and that I cannot continue like this.

As a husband he was always amazing. He is caring, affectionate and goes out of his way to make me happy - I know this may seem unbelievable considering what he just did.

I remember how exhausted I was after having DS. Husband would come home exhausted himself yet always tell me to rest :( he would cook, clean around take care of DS and do the night feeds. This is just one example. Theres so many like this. Im so so so so upset I dont know how life would be without him..

OP posts:
Original poster
Zara9897 · 26/02/2021 18:59

I know I sound weak, I know I can function with him. I have a good job, I am more than capable of taking care of myself and DS.

We have been together since 2008, I was 15 when we met. He is everything I've known. Its so rough to think about a future without him

OP posts:
sonnysunshine · 26/02/2021 19:06

I am going to play devils advocate. I love my husband hugely and never ever want to leave himnor him me. During sex occasionally we go into roleplay and we, between us, fantasise about threesomes/other partners etc. we both enjoy this. In real life I would and he would hate this to happen.
I can very easily imagine a scenario where this got out of hand and he or I said a name of someone we may have thought about to push the boundaries. This would be completely wrong but easy to do. If this happened I would be very upset BUT can totally understand if no othe warning signs were there how this happened.

Lumene · 26/02/2021 19:06

Sorry OP. I think in your shoes I would suggest couples therapy to see if you can both work through it - or end amicably as possible if not.

Lumene · 26/02/2021 19:07

(As in if I was you that’s what I would do).

sonnysunshine · 26/02/2021 19:09

Also to add if this has never happened before and he promised it never would again then I would use this as a red line Many people think about sex with other people and that is quite normal but he needs to learn to not personalise it..

Silenceisgolden20 · 26/02/2021 19:16

@Reinventinganna

He wants to sleep with your friend. I don’t know if I could stay in the relationship.
Yep. That's what I would think. How are you meant to role play her? Birdie her clothes? Mimic her voice?

So weird.

What if you told him you wanted him to be his best mate in the bedroom. For 'fun' obvs. Not cos you fancy himHmm
He would be ok with that?
I doubt it.

Silenceisgolden20 · 26/02/2021 19:16

Sorry, borrow her clothes!

slidingdrawers · 26/02/2021 19:23

Oh OP, you don't sound weak at all. You've been horribly wounded by what he said. Take the time you need to process your feelings. Ordinarily he sounds quite a decent man so part of the unpicking of this will be coming to terms with how he usually presents ('caring, affectionate') and how this sexual confession has thrown your beliefs about him into doubt. Would you consider asking him to write you a letter explaining why he said what he did? It might be helpful.

Blacktothepink · 26/02/2021 19:55

How old is your husband?

Original poster
Zara9897 · 26/02/2021 20:39

He is 30

OP posts:
MyGazeboisLeaking · 26/02/2021 20:57

Oh god, OP. How upsetting.

Really shit of him. What an IDIOT.

It is crap, and it will take time to overcome, but it doesn't have to be terminal.

Is he really sorry? Does he understand why he crossed an enormous boundary?

Is your sex life equal & fulfilling otherwise?

Do you feel you can get past it? Has he had enough of a fright that you can both move on?

Barrantsvidal · 26/02/2021 21:17

I have also in the past fantasised about a partners mates. I have never crossed the line or would ever dream of that. I haven't harboured desires of an emotional affair.

The difference is I knew to keep not to ever tell him. He was an idiot to be so tactless. I expect he has learnt now.

That is the stupid part and if he is otherwise wonderful and a great dad and husband, and realises what a prat he was, then I think you guys need to work this out.

This is a marriage and children are involved. We can all make mistakes.

MsDogLady · 26/02/2021 21:32

He keeps apologising saying he messed up he didn’t think I’d be this upset.

He didn’t think you’d be this upset?? He must have a massive sense of entitlement and zero emotional intelligence in the bedroom.

You are crushed because he voiced his desire for your close friend and expected you to indulge and embody his fantasy. Then, after breaking that taboo, he was disingenuous by claiming he wasn’t attracted to her, thereby insulting your intelligence.

Zara, I would advise you to seek individual counseling asap to process all of this. Personally, I would feel humiliated, disrespected and objectified. My trust would be decimated, so I would have to end my marriage.

Regularsizedrudy · 26/02/2021 21:35

You were 15 and he was 18?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 26/02/2021 21:41

OP, if he had actually levelled with you and said "Yeah I fancy her, she's hot as balls, but I would never try anything with her because obviously I love you!" along with all the apologies for opening his stupid mouth in the first place, would you find that easier to actually handle and process? Because that is almost certainly the truth. So if it would help you to hear that, tell him so.

And it doesn't need to mean the end of your marriage, that he doesn't fancy you, find you attractive, or is going to have an affair. He's just a human being who naturally finds other humans attractive, and stupidly mentioned that during a time when he was about to have sex WITH YOU.

He's been a monumental dickhead to say it, but this really isn't divorce territory.

Sonicbloom · 26/02/2021 23:14

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation but he wanted op to pretend to be the friend and, therefore, to have sex with the friend (in his mind at least) I can find other men attractive but I don’t imagine having sex with them or having sex with dh imagining it’s them. If he felt it was safe to cross this boundary what’s next and what else is he thinking.

BlueThistles · 27/02/2021 00:18

[quote Sonicbloom]@EvenMoreFuriousVexation but he wanted op to pretend to be the friend and, therefore, to have sex with the friend (in his mind at least) I can find other men attractive but I don’t imagine having sex with them or having sex with dh imagining it’s them. If he felt it was safe to cross this boundary what’s next and what else is he thinking.[/quote]
very valid point and begs the question as you say...

if OP had agreed... to this role play.. the next step/boundary would be what exactly 🤔

Interesting ...

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