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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband fantasising about my close friend! Do you move on?

108 replies

Zara9897 · 24/02/2021 13:01

DH is into role playing. Last night he said he likes the idea of me being the friend (role play) etc. He said he doesn't find her attractive at all and its just fantasising but I just don't understand this.

I am so upset by this and have felt down all day. He realised last night I got upset and has apologised and called me several times today apologising.

OP posts:
IsThePopeCatholic · 24/02/2021 19:41

Maybe this is a naive question: does the role play involve sex?

Munkeenut · 24/02/2021 19:46

How do you pretend to be the friend anyway? Does she have a catch phrase? Bizarre request.

LittleRa · 24/02/2021 19:59

Is he hinting for a threesome with her?

InFiveMins · 24/02/2021 20:13

I'd bin him off because it's just very weird, pervy behaviour.

He fancies your friend and wants to pretend he's sleeping with her whilst sleeping with you - not OK.

toocold54 · 24/02/2021 20:14

Wow I’m usually someone who is very open with relationships but this is not ok! He obviously fancies her!

How could you possibly pretend to be the friend anyway?!

I’m wondering if you were ok with this he would then ask for a threesome.
You would be facilitating them having sex without him needing to make a move on friend and be worried about being rejected and then you breaking up with him.

SoulofanAggron · 24/02/2021 20:30

How on earth could he think you were going to be into that?????

@EarthSight Maybe he's just seeing how much he can get away with/get OP to do. Sad

Loopyloututu2 · 24/02/2021 20:34

God, what an idiot he is! Why on earth did he think that would go down well, and how does one even go about “pretending to be their friend”? WTF?! Not surprised your feeling low, that is properly shit.

Regularsizedrudy · 24/02/2021 20:41

He’s either really fucking dense or he is purposefully trying to make you insecure. Neither option is attractive and one is frightening.

Original poster
Zara9897 · 24/02/2021 21:02

If his intentions were to make me insecure it worked.

I've been thinking all day am I not enough. Is it because of my weight. Is it because I've let myself go since DS. 😔😔 He has made me feel so unattractivd

OP posts:
toocold54 · 24/02/2021 21:10

It’s not because of you it’s because he’s an arse.

I couldn’t stay with anyone who either fancied my friend or said he did to make me feel insecure.

Chailatteplease · 24/02/2021 21:13

Of course he fancies the friend! Why else would he choose her?

I can understand the OP not wanting to believe it, but the rest of you Confused

BlueThistles · 24/02/2021 21:20

@MsDogLady

He said he doesn’t find her attractive at all...

He lied to you. Of course he fancies her. He crossed a huge boundary for his sexual gratification.

I would consider that as a betrayal.

He fancies Her... he wants You to pretend to be Her during sex ... OP can you not see that making you insecure is paled in comparison to his fantasising about sex with your close friend ...

this man does not love you.. he does not respect you.. and he certainly does not treat you well despite your believing differently ...

He's is cruel and deceitful.... and his constant apologies is Him scrambling to fix His now very obvious sexual want for your friend ...

kick his Arse out ....

SneezyGonzalez · 24/02/2021 21:22

That’s just weird

SoulofanAggron · 24/02/2021 21:25

Of course he fancies the friend! Why else would he choose her? I can understand the OP not wanting to believe it, but the rest of you

I don't think anyone here is falling for it. It's a bizarre thing for him to claim.

@Zara9897 Whatever his motivations, they aren't attractive.

slidingdrawers · 24/02/2021 21:25

I really feel for you OP. I strongly suspect this role playing is something you feel you have to comply with, to the detriment of your self esteem. Is he really 'very caring'?

JamieFrasersAuntie · 24/02/2021 21:28

I've been thinking all day am I not enough. Is it because of my weight. Is it because I've let myself go since DS. 😔😔 He has made me feel so unattractive

Don't go there. Seriously.

I'm a minging fucker and my husband hasn't ever suggested this.

Do not take responsibility for your husbands fucked up sexual behaviour.

Sonicbloom · 24/02/2021 21:47

I would struggle to have sex with him again as I would be imagine he would be thinking of the friend. I don’t think he said it to make you insecure but he wasn’t thinking because of sexual excitement. May be you went along with other things and he pushed his luck , if you’d agreed goodness knows what he’d want next - a threesome with her probably.
I wouldn’t be able to get over this very easily. Sex would be difficult and it would be very odd when I saw my friend - although not her fault it would just remind me.
What are You going to do op?

BlueThistles · 24/02/2021 21:53

I agree... intimacy would be null and void with this man following this betrayal 🌺

billy1966 · 25/02/2021 00:09

The very worst thing you could do OP is turn this in on yourself.

You are totally innocent in this.

I'm trying to think how you unhear it and go forward.

It really is an extraordinarily unaware thing to say.

As in, did he REALLY expect you say 'Yea, no problem'.

I'm so sorry for your obvious hurt.
Flowers

Onthedunes · 25/02/2021 00:19

Absolutely unforgivable.

No, No, No.....

I can't believe he said this to you op, nobody should do this to a partner and expect their relationship to ever be the same again.

Role play yourself into another relationship op, he's a thoughtless wanker and needs to be dumped.

Flowers
BlueThistles · 25/02/2021 01:49

yip... I would end my marriage over shit like this.. lifes too short for this garbage Flowers

Sonicbloom · 26/02/2021 09:46

@Zara9897 how are you doing ?

Original poster
Zara9897 · 26/02/2021 17:03

[quote Sonicbloom]@Zara9897 how are you doing ?[/quote]
Not to well. Thank you for asking.

Ive read everyone's comments atleast 10 times over and I am spending lots of time taking everything in. Husband has moved to guest room for the time being. He keeps apologising saying he messed up he didn't think I'd be this upset and how he would never intentionally hurt me. He looks a mess too.

I just don't know what to do. I'd hate to continue as if nothing happened but I don't know how life will be without him.

OP posts:
Sonicbloom · 26/02/2021 17:13

I’ve kept thinking about it, it’s so hard op Sad I think he needs to be honest - he said he didn’t find her attractive etc. You’ll have to start with honesty first and unpick it from there. He has to be 100 percent honest with any question you ask even if hurtful. Lies don’t help untangle this. Does he want to sleep with her ? Does he fantasise about it? It’s emotional cheating then. Is he just trying to edge towards threesome scenario and testing the waters?
You might just get more lies but might be worth exploring . Very hard Flowers

Reinventinganna · 26/02/2021 17:16

He wants to sleep with your friend. I don’t know if I could stay in the relationship.