How did you know your marriage was over?

[madhouse23]

Hi,

Looking for some advice on when you knew your marriage was over and there was no saving it?

The last couple years have been rocky to say the least and I keep trying to fight to keep the marriage alive but I'm not sure how I'd know if it was time to stop?

Two toddlers is hard OP. Hang in there and it will get better!

[quote MrsWindass]@madhouse23 you ARE married to someone different to the one you fell in love with as is he ! I bet he thinks exactly the same ! You are now parents of young children and TBH it is a tough time . You have to evolve together . It sounds like you need a really good talk or even counselling if available online .

Re Happiness " Think of happiness as something to be achieved, set yourself the goal of achieving it, and then throw yourself into doing so."[/quote]
Thank you. I do need to remember we aren't the same people anymore and life has changed us both. I've suggested counselling but he doesn't think it'll help and with his anxiety he wouldn't want to talk to someone about our problems.

@Muskox

Two toddlers is hard OP. Hang in there and it will get better!

Thank you.

I realised that I would terrified if I got pregnant and the man would be a father, not just any father, the father of my child.

I saved both myself and any theoretical children and got ended it ASAP.

If you've been together since you were 13 you might simply have outgrown each other. How old are you now it could also be that you're looking for more

I regretted the marriage early on. He didnt want to go to meet family 20 minutes away so he drove me and our 4 month old the city for 40 minutes on purpose. Fucking prick

I think 2020/2021 have been killer years for many relationships.
Lockdowns have been brutal. If I were in your situation I'll have a seat down and be honest. If it's the end of the road as sad as that may be talk about your separate futures and how to co parent. How to split the assets etc.
There is no point of dragging things out. I serves no purpose.
For me is either fix or no but I wouldn't wait to have the big conversation.

g.co/kgs/jMeMFw

I found a book called "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" really helpful. It made me realise that my relationship did not have enough good bits and that DH wasn't willing to work on the bad bits.

Sorry for the silence over the last week, things have been good. The best they have been for a long time and I finally feel like we are on track to being how we once were. We have really communicated, compromised and also made time for each other which has been hard to do over the last year with two young children and covid! Thanks everyone again for their advice.

So you came here to hear about peoples relationships issues only?

I second the book recommendation "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" made by @HosannainExcelSheets above. I found it brilliant at identifying the big issues and getting over the endless weighing up of incalculable factors.

g.co/kgs/jMeMFw

For me though the breaking point was a much looked forward to camping trip where he was in an unbearable bad mood (spent 3 days avoiding me and kids all day, then spending every evening drinking or sleeping alone in tent or car) and then when we came home claimed it was my fault/the kids were annoying/couldn't do exactly what he wanted. I realised then there was no point in trying anymore, he would not accept he needed help and anyway the kids and I had a lot more fun on our own. No regrets!

I knew 2.5 years ago.
We had just had our second baby, I was breastfeeding and exhausted; we also had a very hyperactive 3 year old.
I'd spent hours and hours everyday breastfeeding a very hungry baby who had some minor health challenges and I was looking forward to being made to feel special and valued on my birthday.
He however chose to spend 12 hours of my birthday at a race track and left me singlehandedly taking care of the children when I've no family around.
No day off for birthdays. Like a live-in maid. It was then that I realised what I meant to him and I was devastated. I have never been able to move on from that incident as he's never made it up to me and continues putting his needs first. We are now going through separation.
At the time, I wrote about it on MN, but I had a lot of harsh replies labelling me "brattish" amongst other things for expecting him to miss a big event for my birthday. But looking back at the bigger picture, there was much more to it as I had been through a lot an utterly deserved to be treated and taken care of.
I also remember his responses like "just because your mother can't come and visit you for your birthday, that doesn't become my problem. This event is once a year and I'm not missing it."
I'll never forget how it made me feel and I haven't loved him since.

I’ve read mainly your own comments OP and it’s evident the love is there between you.
Even pre Covid and lockdowns, being together from your teenage years has always seen tough times for couples because the younger years are difficult for most in many ways, we’re learning about ourselves and that’s tough enough without taking into account a partner.
So add to that Covid, lockdowns and toddlers then it’s no wonder you’re feeling the way you do!
I really pick up on your love for each other from your posts and hope there’s a happy outcome for your family

Op I think there’s lots of love left between you. Keep talking. Keep having sex. It will get easier 😊

I think for me my marriage ended when I came home from a trip during which I’d found out that one of my oldest friends had committed suicide and I’d just been to see her traumatised husband. When I walked in the door he looked up from his iPad. Said one perfunctory sentence like “are you ok?”, turned his back on me and proceeded to go on the iPad. That was 20 months ago.

Only now am I ending things. (There were lots and lots of issues between us obviously but that was a real watershed)

I injured myself in work and had to have an emergency operation on my hand

The night before.my op he watch me struggle to entertain family members and didnt lift a finger, in fact refused to help and just kept huffing and sighing at me..my sil who is only met that day helped me out in the kitchen.

He never lifted a finger after my op either. I was cooking one handed and washing up and also caused me an absolute pain in the arse because I asked him to do up my coat.he didn't give a shit about me

The final final straw was when he came home and kicked in my front door because he thought I was shagging someone else.i bloody wish
Hated him by then anyway