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Original poster

How did you know your marriage was over?

65 replies

madhouse23 · 22/02/2021 09:55

Hi,

Looking for some advice on when you knew your marriage was over and there was no saving it?

The last couple years have been rocky to say the least and I keep trying to fight to keep the marriage alive but I'm not sure how I'd know if it was time to stop?

OP posts:
Original poster
madhouse23 · 22/02/2021 11:35

@Dery

“I just feel a wide space between us lately, I don't feel the love that he once had for me. I know he loves the kids and he's great with them but when it comes to me I feel as though I'm just a habit for him.”

This sounds very fixable to me. I think it’s all to do with the demands of parenting. Also, are you by any chance an SAHM? No criticism intended (SAHPs do an amazing job) but it can skew things if he’s out enjoying adult company all day whereas you’re starved of adult company and longing for his return. He needs to be alive to that. I think a weekend away or at least some time to yourselves could help enormously.

I was up until last year now I'm back part time. Parenting is hard! I didn't realise it would change my whole marriage. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I didn't realise how it can impact other areas of your life. We try most nights to sit and chill together when the kids are asleep but other than that we rarely have "us" time.
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Original poster
madhouse23 · 22/02/2021 11:36

@Purplecatshopaholic

My marriage was probably over about ten years before I actually called time on it (hindsight is a wonderful thing). I flogged a dead horse for YEARS. It was only when I caught him cheating I finally saw the light. Don’t be me. Talk seriously with him, go for counselling (either together or on your own). I am not saying be premature about it, but weigh up the pros and cons of your relationship- life really is too short to be miserable.
Thanks for the advice. I'm sorry to hear about the cheating - what a horrible thing to endure. Hindsight definitely is a wonderful thing. He pros just now definitely outweigh the cons but it's hard on a bad day to see this.
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Original poster
madhouse23 · 22/02/2021 11:37

@Twickerhun

I also have children of the same age as yours and I think it’s physically and emotionally very hard on you as individuals and a strain on even the tightest of marriages. I read your question and the answers with interest for my own situation. I would say just don’t do anything two hasty with such young children, as this stage in life will pass.
I'm sorry to hear you are in the same position. It's hard work having little ones isn't it. You sort of lose yourself as a person. I hope things improve for you. Maybe a nice date night and some technology free time together when the kids are in bed?
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Original poster
madhouse23 · 22/02/2021 11:39

@crimsonlake

When I had a miscarriage early in to our marriage and he was not in the least bit supportive. When I had pneumonia and two children under 18 months, he insisted on going to work and would not cancel a works night out meaning he would not be home until the following day. I really should have left him then, but the usual story having given up my career to be a sahm kept me there. Later when he started refusing to come on family holidays meaning I took the children on my own. Actually we had better holidays without him. During this period he started coming to bed in his dressing gown when he had always slept naked. I stopped cooking for him, he was also 'away with work more than usual' We have been divorced 10 years now and I wish I had been brave enough to end it when my children were little. I just so did not want my children to come from a broken home and saw it as a failure on my part.
I'm sorry to read about your miscarriage and the lack of support you received from your DH when you were unwell. Your situation sounds like my mums when I was growing up. Your kids will be much happier now although at the time you would have had their best interests at heart.
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Original poster
madhouse23 · 22/02/2021 11:40

@showgirl63

I knew when I realised I was inventing reasons to stay late at work, rather than go home, and that we could go a whole weekend without saying a word to each other, but that I would consider that a good result vs. The alternative of squabbling until it escalated into a full on row again
That's no way to live for either of yous. I hope you're much happier now.
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HappyWipings · 22/02/2021 11:40

When I had moved past hating him (he was abusive) , and became completely indifferent instead. For example , I didn't care that he was always out with friends and leaving me with all childcare , I was happier coping alone and knew that I wanted that long term.

Original poster
madhouse23 · 22/02/2021 11:42

@Pumpkinstace

I was very ill and needed talking to hospital.

On the way, in front of the kids, he told me I'd ruined his day.

The nastiness in his voice had never left me.

He was a gaslighting prick but only realised once the scales fell.

I'm glad you realised eventually and hopefully you are now much happier. I'm sorry to hear you were treating so awful especially in front of the kids.
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Original poster
madhouse23 · 22/02/2021 11:42

@NoEffingWay

When I realised that not only did I not love him anymore, I actively disliked him. When he touched me I flinched.

He was not abusive but we were terrible together.

Once you feel like that there is no going back is there.
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DinosaurDiana · 22/02/2021 11:47

The thing is, if you hang on and hang on, waiting for it to get better and it doesn’t, you are wasting your life.
I have had many times recently where I fantasise about a life without him, how much better it would be. But then I have days where it’s OK.
I don’t love him, we no longer have sex, he’s currently sleeping in the spare room due to his snoring but will have to come back in when DD comes home from Uni.
The fact is that I’m no longer prepared to put up with his snoring, so the only option I can see is separate houses.
I’m financially better off with him, massively so, and we rub along OK but it’s not a marriage, it’s living together companionship.

4amWitchingHour · 22/02/2021 11:52

It does sound like your marriage is suffering due to young children, and that you can get it back but it won't happen overnight. You've got two toddlers, it'll likely be hard for a bit longer (maybe til they're at school, maybe even longer), but it sounds like the love and respect is still there underneath, you just need to rekindle the closeness and intimacy.

If I were you I'd be honest that you miss him and are finding things tough at the moment, but want to find ways to get closer whenever you can.

Taikoo · 22/02/2021 11:52

Wow - you are together since you are 13!
Both of you will have changed a lot since that age.

He probably wants to go and sew his wild oats too, being male and not having had the chance already. Sorry, but that's probably at least part of it for him. God knows most men love variety.

Dacquoise · 22/02/2021 11:54

@PussGirl, similar to you, when I realised that our life together was going to be the same railway track of living our life his way. As much as I tried over the years, he was incapable of compromise, sharing, honesty or intimacy. It was like living with a lodger as his housekeeper. The thought of retiring with the selfish prick finally spurred me into action and he is someone else's 'problem' now.

Doomsdayiscoming · 22/02/2021 11:56

Mine isn’t.

But if it came to asking people on mumsnet if it was, then it probably is.

Original poster
madhouse23 · 22/02/2021 11:58

@Doomsdayiscoming

Mine isn’t.

But if it came to asking people on mumsnet if it was, then it probably is.

I don't think that's necessarily true. It's nice when you're stuck in a rut and not thinking clearly to get outside perspective and advice instead of just giving up. It's also nice to chat to strangers who don't know you personally instead of bottling everything up.
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Ultimatecougar · 22/02/2021 11:58

When he left and didn't come back. Until then I was always hopeful.

Original poster
madhouse23 · 22/02/2021 12:00

@DinosaurDiana

The thing is, if you hang on and hang on, waiting for it to get better and it doesn’t, you are wasting your life. I have had many times recently where I fantasise about a life without him, how much better it would be. But then I have days where it’s OK. I don’t love him, we no longer have sex, he’s currently sleeping in the spare room due to his snoring but will have to come back in when DD comes home from Uni. The fact is that I’m no longer prepared to put up with his snoring, so the only option I can see is separate houses. I’m financially better off with him, massively so, and we rub along OK but it’s not a marriage, it’s living together companionship.
The love is definitely still there and I don't feel any hatred towards him. I just feel as though things are a bit strained right now and Covid/young children definitely don't help with that. I am worried about holding out and wasting my life but equally as worried about giving up and making what could be the biggest mistake of my life. Like I've said previously, there is no abuse and he's a great person we are just not getting along much lately.
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Original poster
madhouse23 · 22/02/2021 12:01

@4amWitchingHour

It does sound like your marriage is suffering due to young children, and that you can get it back but it won't happen overnight. You've got two toddlers, it'll likely be hard for a bit longer (maybe til they're at school, maybe even longer), but it sounds like the love and respect is still there underneath, you just need to rekindle the closeness and intimacy.

If I were you I'd be honest that you miss him and are finding things tough at the moment, but want to find ways to get closer whenever you can.

I agree that an honest chat is needed. I live in hope that we can make our way back to each other but it's hard especially with the way the world is right now. We used to be the best of friends and completely loved up. I'm not sure where or when things started to decline.
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DinosaurDiana · 22/02/2021 12:02

You need to hang in there until we’re out of this situation, then make a decision.
You sound like many frazzled parents of young kids right now !
Keep having sex, it’s so important in a relationship.

Original poster
madhouse23 · 22/02/2021 12:04

@Taikoo

Wow - you are together since you are 13! Both of you will have changed a lot since that age.

He probably wants to go and sew his wild oats too, being male and not having had the chance already. Sorry, but that's probably at least part of it for him. God knows most men love variety.

I agree that we have both changed a lot but in the same breath we have grown so much together and we have shaped each other into the people we are today which makes this so much harder.

I appreciate what you are saying but I don't agree. DH isn't like that in the slightest. He is very respectful about/towards woman and is completely loyal in that sense. Even when it comes to "celebs" he has never been disrespectful in that sense. I agree as a man he probably wonders what else is out there but I don't think that's the reason he's become distant lately.

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Original poster
madhouse23 · 22/02/2021 12:05

@Taikoo

Wow - you are together since you are 13! Both of you will have changed a lot since that age.

He probably wants to go and sew his wild oats too, being male and not having had the chance already. Sorry, but that's probably at least part of it for him. God knows most men love variety.

Sorry i should have also said that before he had proposed he had a long think about the sacrifice he was making and to him being with various women wasn't his priority. He has always maintained when I've asked if he feels if he has missed out that he wouldn't want to be with anyone else.
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Original poster
madhouse23 · 22/02/2021 12:06

[quote Dacquoise]@PussGirl, similar to you, when I realised that our life together was going to be the same railway track of living our life his way. As much as I tried over the years, he was incapable of compromise, sharing, honesty or intimacy. It was like living with a lodger as his housekeeper. The thought of retiring with the selfish prick finally spurred me into action and he is someone else's 'problem' now.[/quote]
Compromise is definitely a biggie isn't it. Marriage has to be a two way street otherwise it won't work,

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Original poster
madhouse23 · 22/02/2021 12:07

@Ultimatecougar

When he left and didn't come back. Until then I was always hopeful.
Deep down this is a fear of mine that one day he will just decide to leave me and all that has been happening lately are warning signs rather than just a temporary change due to young children and a global pandemic!
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4amWitchingHour · 22/02/2021 12:07

@Taikoo

Wow - you are together since you are 13! Both of you will have changed a lot since that age.

He probably wants to go and sew his wild oats too, being male and not having had the chance already. Sorry, but that's probably at least part of it for him. God knows most men love variety.

The sewing wild oats thing doesn't sound like it applies to OP's situation at all. I think you're projecting.
Original poster
madhouse23 · 22/02/2021 12:08

@DinosaurDiana

You need to hang in there until we’re out of this situation, then make a decision. You sound like many frazzled parents of young kids right now ! Keep having sex, it’s so important in a relationship.
I'd like to say we have a healthy sex life, maybe more initiated by me than him but he hasn't complained he's unhappy with it. My sex drive is slightly higher than his but I know he suffers from self esteem issues so try not to take it personally.
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MrsWindass · 22/02/2021 12:12

@madhouse23 you ARE married to someone different to the one you fell in love with as is he ! I bet he thinks exactly the same ! You are now parents of young children and TBH it is a tough time . You have to evolve together . It sounds like you need a really good talk or even counselling if available online .

Re Happiness " Think of happiness as something to be achieved, set yourself the goal of achieving it, and then throw yourself into doing so."

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