Dating Thread 200 - Spring is in the Air, Ghosters Beware

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Frenchlady14 what a twat, it was the relentless trying to win you that would be the only 'flag' that he might do this.
Men that do this ... have low self esteem, they are seeing -getting you - as winning. Then they move onto the next game to win.

@cyclingbear oh my nearest city is Edinburgh.... I wonder if our search overlaps

@Frenchlady14 sorry to hear that...how horrible for you, hope you are okay.

I really am surprised how many ( mainly men) are so flaky, uncommittal and wishy washy. Especially after pursuing so hard...seems to be a common theme.

Thanks everyone .. it's horrible and it really makes you wonder whether you have any judge of character at all. Everywhere is so spaced out here he lives an hour and a half away and kept saying that would not be a problem at all for him. On Sunday morning he popped up to have a shower and said he wouldn't be long as he would miss me (!!??). I was so shocked then when he said what he did, I actually thought he was joking - my face must have been a picture.

The problem is for me and for any of us that decide to give it a go (especially after being chased so hard) is that you can never be sure of someone's intentions. Then there is what happened to me. A shrug then leave, or it can be a slow fade or just outright ghosted

How are we ever supposed to know? It's so hard to put yourself back out there again after this happens. I was careful this time for a while but then as soon as I bought into it - it was over. I could never do that to someone.

I'll mope about like a wet hen for a week or so I expect (thank God I'm busy at work) then give my head a wobble. But it gets harder and harder each time ....

French lady thats awful. I'm speaking to a few men. I've decided if I meet them and nothing comes of it I'm not bothering again. I simply cannot be arsed with all the messing. the man who sent me a video of his daughter dancing with no clothes on laughing as toddlers do well thinking about it and speaking to my social worker friend I feel quite ill and concerned for that child.

Another one on bumble just told me hes read my bio and noticed I've got a child and that I'm lovely but he doesnt want to talk to me anymore ffs

BLTLover Yes, I saw your post further up - I mean wtf? He is either extremely naive about sharing that kind of content or a bit creepy or has deeper intentions .... ugh

From now on I'm not going to believe anything I'm told until a fair few dates. Although there is a poster who got ghosted after 18 months ... but then I suppose if that is the case it's not worth bothering ... awful isn't it?

@havecourage8bekind Do you get grief from your ex via the actual dating app or does he message your phone?

On many apps you can set your location as something different and then make sure it doesn't update location when you log on.

Unless you set your location miles and miles away your ex will always find you surely.

I know the grief isnt worth it but he's still trying to control you. Do you have children together so you want to keep the peace?

My ex was told I was on Fab and sent screenshots of my profile to me😱😱
That was one of many things in a long line of harassment.
I hid my profile after that because I'm in quite a sensible job and was worried he might contact my employers.

I've blocked the guy who sent me that video on my WhatsApp. He lives close to me so hope I never see him again. This leave me with one guy I'm talking to who has long covid so I'm a bit but he seems nice.

@Frenchlady14 that’s awful, what a total arse. I’m wondering if there is something he isn’t telling you. Such a sudden turnaround is really odd. What are you going to do now? Have you deleted him?

Yes I know what you mean about it getting harder to trust people. Even though Mr G says he adores me there is always that nagging doubt ... especially in the situation he’s in

@havecourage8bekind so what if you are OLD? WTF has that got to do with your ex!?? Furious on your behalf!

@Frenchlady14 I think some of the problem with OLD is that it's easy to get the kid in a sweetshop mentality and so you're always wondering who else is available.

Another problem is that we assume everyone is like us - kind, honest, upfront and of course they are not.

All you can do is not invest emotionally too soon, just take each day as it comes but know that if things ended you've got a good life anyway.
I am taking my own words literally and maybe too far, I'm 18 months in with Mr K and so uninvested emotionally its ridiculous.
He is really great but part of me keeps wondering when its going to end and so my barriers are still up really high.
My mantra is what will be, will be and I'm just enjoying things.
If things don't work out I've had a great time and even without him my life is pretty great.

Uttersocks Thanks and yes I've blocked him so I won't be waiting for my phone to ping with an explanation. I think I was totally love-bombed until I gave it a chance ... Maybe he got a message while he was in the shower from someone else, it was that fast!! ... I'll never know.

SortingItOut Yes I need to learn this lesson. But I think it's sad that we are all so wary now. The slightest sign sets off our spidey senses and can ruin days of your life.

I think in lockdown especially it is difficult not to project a better time in the future spent with someone you like. Also we are all emotionally drained now and so it is harder to recover from these knock-backs

@sortingitout he emails me as he doesn't have my number..but I've got a feeling it's him that's seen me on the apps as I didn't see any of his friends and can't think who would've shown him anyways! Sorry to hear you've been through similar! @uttersocks we were together 10 years, controlling/ abusive marriage and only been split four months so he just thinks I'm horrendous for even thinking about dating yet. In reality I was lonely for about three years before I got away from him so I think I'm probably ready quicker for that reason. But still not worth the grief and the comments when he comes to collect the children! Will have a look and see if I can sort the location out then :)

@Frenchlady14 i was slow faded after 6 months and something definitely changed in me/broke in me. Im happy in myself but i haven't got that optimism about relationships anymore.

@BLTLover sadly i think loads of men don't want the hassle of 'other mens children'. Its shitty, especially for those of us who have left abusive relationships for the health and wellbeing of our kids. But there are some decent ones out there who accept people with everything that comes with them. My children are everything to me.

@havecourage8bekind

Really wanting to get back onto some apps but I get grief from the ex everytime I do - not sure if his friends see me or he's got fake profiles (?) But it's not worth it! Are there any that you don't have to use your actual location? I'd happily meet people from my next town/city as opposed to home town..that way him and his friends wouldn't see me on there either.

My ex is a nightmare too, do you have any photos he wouldn't recognise/partially covered or anything like that? That's what I've done in the past, then sent photo on Snapchat etc

Hi all,

Me again.

I'm still talking to Mr Geek, but I honestly don't feel there's any spark there at all.

Don't get me wrong, he's a lovely lovely guy, and I do like him, but I don't think he's the right potential partner for me. I feel bad as he obviously wants more, but I'm not going to go on a date with him for the sake of it.

@Frenchlady14 so sorry you experienced that sort of treatment 😳 the mind boggles at wtf is going on in some peoples minds 🤷‍♀️

Thanks eesha he was nice about it but I thought omg read my bio! No way would my son be involved in any relationship I have.

@havecourage8bekind I just remembered that Facebook dating allows you to block individuals from ever seeing that you are on there. So you could block ex and his friends

I've started seeing ads from Facebook Dating. Is it any good?

I've actually just started seeing ads for Facebook dating too, never see people mention it on here though?

I don't think my ex is dating but I think it would be good for him if he did.
I haven't told him I'm dating, I'm not hiding on the apps (although they are all but OKC deleted just now). But he knows me and one of the reasons I left was lack of intimacy, so he must know I'm dating and he knows I'm being discreet but not secretive. I have no reason to let my kids know.

I had FB dating for a while, not quite as bad as POF but similar to tinder I would say.

Oh and one of the benefits is you can see who their Facebook friends are to see if you have anyone in common. This had a bearing for me because if they were linked to a person I have high regard for it went in their favour 🤣

Oh no to Facebook dating! For me anyway...was worse than pof when I was on there.

Sorry to hear about everyone feeling down - hopefully the weather will improve soon and raise everyone’s mood