Dating Thread 200 - Spring is in the Air, Ghosters Beware

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@cravingthelook can you not set Mr HT adrift now at this stage or are you not ready to do so yet?
He can’t give you what you want or need it appears, and may hold you back from actually getting what you want and need from someone else.

@Mayzee I'm trying to yes.
I'm not messaging him.
I don't think Mr Plumber is for me either, but I'm considering meeting him if only to try get Mr HT out of my head. That's a shitty thing to do though.
Why do I like the broken commitment phobes?

@cravingthelook why is Mr HT a no go?

I just got a pleasant message from my bad Saturday date saying he thought we were looking for different things (was thinking/hoping he just wouldn’t message) so it was quite nice/a relief just shooting one back saying I 100% agreed!

He’s also said he’ll help out with work stuff in future if I need which is a bit random but very kind.

It’s tough because I’m not very good at closing dates early if I think we aren’t getting on (I kind of feel guilty and think I should have a decent time to chat - 2 hours rather than just go “ok it’s been 30 minutes bye mate”). Especially if the guy has commuted to my end of town?

but I think sometimes that’s misinterpreted a bit?

I had 1 date and I've been with Mr P for 14 months.....
Weird....

@Eesha This is what I explained last week.....

we spoke about it back in January.
He said back then, he just wanted casual, that he defo doesn't want a relationship. He would be my friend and would be ok with not having sex with me if it was to muddy the waters too much. (He's said this twice).
I was ok with that because, I don't believe in romantic love, I don't want a traditional relationship. I don't think I want monogamy.

A few weeks ago I told him if he wants sex and I want sex why overthink it. I've stayed at his once and him at mine once since then. Both late night non planned spontaneous decisions after flirty chat. Yet both very affectionate and loving, waking holding hands etc. Smiles all the next day stuff.

However, I want to have pre-planned dates so it doesn't feel like just hook ups.
I like him, I don't feel the same as I did in January, I need to tell him, I'm only going to do that in person though. I also have to be prepared for him to walk, he was adamant he didn't want a relationship.

I haven't told him how I feel. The more I be truthful to myself the more I know I could do monogamy with him. Non monogamy is my defence mechanism.
There is no point telling him how I feel. He's making it very clear he's backing off from messaging me every day.

The more I be truthful to myself the more I know I could do monogamy with him.

Hmm.....are you sure you're not just fixating on monogamy with him because it's a "safe" option because it's not what he wants?

@VanGoghsDog I have no idea.

On a positive note I just completed module one of my Harvard business senior leadership course (company put me on for development) I got 100% in the end of module 'test'

So at least I'm winning there, even if it's 10.30pm and I'm still at my desk.

@cravingthelook Congratulations on your test! Definitely a win there!

From the outside, and what you've said, it seems that you're falling for him and wanting more than you thought you did? I think you should speak to him about how you really feel. It may end up with him walking away, or deciding it's where he sees things going too. But the slow fade is the most painful way to not resolve things in my experience.

As for numbers of dates, I don't like talking for too long on the apps and if I match with someone and they seem nice and we get on with a few things in common, then I like to meet up face to face pretty quickly. I'm doing OLD to meet someone, and you can only really know what someone's like in person.

I definitely don't spend anywhere near as long as others here making sure they're a good fit, so have had many dates that a few more days or weeks of chatting would have filtered out. But I've enjoyed them nevertheless, and even the bad dates end up being good stories to tell later.

In hindsight, if I hadn't gone on any dates I wouldn't have had all the heartache I've experienced over the last 15 months. But hindsight is a wonderful thing, and you've got to be in it to win it.

So with that in mind, I've been on a bit of a swiping frenzy the last week or so, and have "walk and coffee" dates lined up for Wednesday and Friday, and a provisional one for Saturday plus another one TBC. Annoyingly the matches I really like the look of haven't been back in touch, but I guess that's the way it goes.

Also annoyingly, I still feel sad at times about Miss H, and still can't get her out of my head :( I think that's part of the reason I'm throwing myself into dating - it helps me move on, and take my mind off previous irons that haven't worked out.

@cravingthelook you need to let go then and listen to what he's saying. He's the Mr Unavailable who will only say 'i told you so'. And i agree a bit with @VanGoghsDog in that you might also be wanting him because he's safe and won't give you what you want either. Try taking yourself out of this merry go round and focus on your own achievements and then later look at things with clearer eyes. You're in a whirlwind currently and not seeing things clearly.

Hi, please may I join you all? I was recommended this chat and looks like it may be useful.

Currently trying to decide which website to join, so many conflicting opinions on them all.

@cyclingbear welcome! I am not really swiping much these days but i used Bumble initially and had a few dates there. Tinder is great for sheer volume of people. Hinge seems a bit cooler and younger but i rarely got any likes there (im 43).

I don’t think I have a thick enough skin for tinder!

I will check out hinge

@cyclingbear I liked okcupid, had a better range of options on the questions which make up your profile (so under sexuality it didn't just have the usual few it had about 15 options which opened my eyes a lot) and people were much more honest about what they were looking for.

Welcome @cyclingbear

there’s a variety of sites really? Personally (mid thirties) I’ve found tinder and bumble to be great for ease of use and volume of people.

I’ve also had ok meets from pof and okcupid in the past. It may depend also on what area you live in/how far you want to commute for dating etc

POF doesn’t do swiping/filtering before you receive messages so your inbox can sometimes look a bit

You could take one at a time and see how each one goes. Photos seem quite important so I’d try to have some nice up to date ones - selfies are fine.

I hope you hit it lucky soon and come off, but otherwise just remember to take care of your emotional well-being as the apps can get quite overwhelming!

Re number of dates - went on the sites almost 2 years ago, second date from pof resulted in a summer of sex and an ongoing friendship, then went on Tinder and quickly met Mr Ex who I was with for a year and who I'm still not over 8 months after he dumped me. Since being back on Tinder I've had two dates with Mr Dogs and a walking date with Mr Nuclear, neither of whom I fancied. Meant to go on date zero with Mr Music on Saturday and really hoping we hit it off because he's the first iron I've got excited about since Mr Ex. So closer to 58 in age than in dates...

I’ve lost count of my dates. 20 or so I didn’t fancy much (or did but didn’t want to date) before falling in love with Mr Beard, then after he broke my heart, a summer of adventures with lots and lots more dates (once did 4 in a weekend) to get over him - maybe slept with 4 of them in total, of which only one totally fascinated me (Mr Maniac). Now just got Mr G and Mr L but chatting to a few more. And got 3 male friends out of it. Like @TheCatWithTheHat I use the apps as distraction to stop me getting too over invested/full of regrets. And so I don’t get bothered or offended by chats going cold as I do the same. Sometimes it’s a nice person, wrong time.

As for apps I like OKC best and Hinge is good quality but fewer people. Tinder I get loads of matches but they rarely message and are often weird. POF round here is the dregs of the earth. And can’t go back on Bumble as it is where I met Mr Beard. He says he isn’t dating anymore and I just would hate to see him on there if it’s not true. But then he would chat up a stranger in the street, so ... 🤷‍♀️ Probably doesn’t need the apps!

I’m stressed with work atm so it is taking my mind off the situation with Mr G. He said he spoke to a solicitor I recommended yesterday but have not asked any questions. Might see Mr L tonight...

Have a good day all xxx

I have no idea how many dates I have had since starting OLD 7 years ago. During that time I have had 3 relationships and several ongoing FWB scenarios. I have for the last 9 months been totally faithful to Mr V and not seen or met up with anyone else. I have curtailed chats with several guys who would pop back up and check in on me as it felt wrong to be flirting with anyone else. The only person I have stayed in touch with is Mr Cocky, technically a FWB for the last 7 years but much of that time the sexual contact was sporadic. We did however chat every single day on email through his work day or on whatsapp after that. It has often been difficult and at times upsetting wondering who else he was seeing or chatting to, even though I was doing the same. I haven't felt able to tell him about Mr V but today I suggested a break and we agreed that things had not been right lately. His marriage ended because he was having an affair ( not with me) and since he's consistently said that he could never offer me the real deal because his kids just wouldn't ever accept that. He's been a source of great support and made a huge difference to my early days of OLD after being widowed at 46. I fell for him although knew I had to suppress those feelings. I have now deleted his number as a contact from my phone so my only way of getting back in touch would be email. It was left that this was a break from chatting. It will be a relief not to be able to monitor him at all on my phone. Now my eggs are all firmly in Mr V's basket. I'm feeling a bit vulnerable.

Really wanting to get back onto some apps but I get grief from the ex everytime I do - not sure if his friends see me or he's got fake profiles (?) But it's not worth it! Are there any that you don't have to use your actual location? I'd happily meet people from my next town/city as opposed to home town..that way him and his friends wouldn't see me on there either.

Well I'm back to square one again. After safew really bad dates I started chatting to a really nice man - ex-policeman retired - divorced with quite a sad family history. He pursued me relentlessly through the site we were on and by text and so I met him - kind of liked him. We met again at his for lunch on a Sunday - really nice time and he has two rescue dogs which I think is a really nice thing to do. We have curfew at 6pm here in France and so I invited him to stay over Saturday and we had the best date. Watched tv cuddling on the sofa, I made a curry and we had a great night together - really connected and at about 3am I decided to let myself really like this one as he seemed to like me so much (I'd been holding off slightly on the texting the week before as he texted about 10 times a day - loads of hearts and emojis etc) I was cautious because I'd been here before with someone I really liked at the end of last year and he went back to his old girlfriend. Anyway ... Sunday morning over breakfast on the sofa together I asked him about next weekend and he said that he couldn't project into the future (????) that he gets depressed and that I wasn't to blame him. I asked if he was finishing with me and he just shrugged and looked away. Then he went and that was that. He had chased me so hard. We had got on so well - I really really can't do this anymore - I will never know why and I hate that I buy into all of it. So sad .... again :(

@SpringlikeBunk

I would be looking for someone in the Edinburgh area I don’t stay there but would be my main search area I imagine.

Thank you for your advice, I do appreciate it

@frenchlady14 how awful of him!!! I can't believe people actually behave like that..

@havecourage8bekind with Hinge you just specify the location in your profile - I don't think it uses your actual GPS location. Tinder you can set it to a specific place rather than your current location, although I think you only get that option on the paid subscription. Bumble lets you specify it too, although I'm not sure if it overrides that with actual location if you move about.

@cyclingbear I think it depends on your location - if you're somewhere near a large town/city then apps like Bumble and Hinge work well, but for less populated places then Tinder might be better.

I've also found a fair few people use both Bumble and Hinge, so you do see the same profiles come up on both apps.

From my own experience (as a guy), Hinge has been the best in terms of meeting for dates, Tinder has more quantity, and Bumble has what seem like nice women, but they rarely get in touch. OKCupid has a lot of choice, but it's very hard to actually match with people on there I've found.

Good luck - it's an interesting experience, and this thread is invaluable for support and advice! The rules at the top are really useful too!