Dating Thread 200 - Spring is in the Air, Ghosters Beware

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I think there must be something about me that attracts military men. Chatting with a new match on hinge about our days and he tells me he went to the gym this morning. His gym is open because Yep you guessed it he is in the army. No mention of it in his profile or any pictures in uniform.
I don't know if it's me knowing how all the previous were but he seems to be coming on a little strong. Apparently I'm just his kind of woman and he is already crushing on me hard. Has already googled the distance and time it would take to see me (I do this with matches but don't tell them) and told me he doesn't mind driving to me anytime and always.
I want a man to make an effort and come to my area but it just seems a bit full on when it's our first full day talking.
Maybe I'm seeing small amber flags where there aren't any.
What does everyone think?

Ooh just catching up with everything

Saturday meet wasn’t terrible but the guy and I didn’t have much in common conversation wise - he did say he had a few issues with shyness/not talking to people

(which I’m very sympathetic to, as I myself have socially struggled before with ASD/no proper socialisation when young)

but for friendship and dating Ive had issues in the past when I’ve been in this dynamic playing the “rescuer” and not getting anything back.

Hope he doesn’t message me but if he does I’ll politely say I don’t think we’re compatible enough to stay in touch

(this why I enjoy breaks from dating - all these little things are quite tricky to negotiate and as I get older I just really hate hurting people’s feelings!)

Today’s meet was awesome and a very pleasant surprise . I’ll call him MrCanal.

Not going to overinvest but just see if we can meet up again soon (he’s messaged me already so hopefully we’re meeting again next week).

@Dancerinthemoonlight

I get the vibe guys who work in male dominated environments often get very enthusiastic/excited about female company/potential dates - which is both good and bad, depending how you look at it?

Both MrC and MrMilitary kind of treated me at times like I was the younger hotter cousin of the Duchess of Sussex - which is very flattering.

I certainly didn’t mind it at times . And I did feel like they made the full effort when we did meet.

but also I think that it can feel kind of “Othering/dehumanising ” in not seeing I am an intelligent human being with my own social rhythm and priorities

and there is more to my life and emotional needs than always being a “sweetheart” ready to run into my mans arms swooning gratefully as he drives 1000 miles to see me.

Plus obviously there’s the trade off between some very enthusiastic romantic dates and signing up to someone having a career which means that you have very little day to day “partner support” whilst they pursue their dream job.

@springlikebunk I haven't experienced that with dating men who work in a male dominated environment or in the army.
The LCB - always met halfway (now I know why)
Mr Carribean - always went to him and treated me like an option when he wasn't seeing his kids
Mr Army - came to me but ended up ghosting
Mr Smile - started off by lying about his age and name and then love bombed. Dropped the big L 2 weeks in then pulled back.
Mr EasyGoing - just wasnt bothered and didn't want to go on dates.

Maybe it's because I'm not used to a man who is willing to come to my area without me even mentioning it. I will just keep on chatting, seeing if a meet is ever suggested, keep an eye out for love bombing etc

@Dancerinthemoonlight

I’d say someone offering to commute to your area is fine in my opinion. Whoever wants to do it most, it’s not a gender thing.

I’ve done the first journey before and just booked a night coach home (it can be interesting visiting a new city!), it just depends who is more initially inclined to do it?

If my chat iron MrPM wants to still meet I’m thinking of visiting his city anyway for a staycation.

I guess my concern with your guy would be if there were any expectations attached - ie would he be expecting to immediately/always be crashing/staying at yours as “payment” for commuting? So you’d kind of have to let him take a big role in your home life without really dating and getting to know him

@springlikebunk it's an hour and a half between us. That would be my concern aswell of someone wanting to stay because it's too late or they are too tired etc even if I don't want it.
I'm just going to keep chatting and keep my eyes wide open. Post on here if I'm unsure of everything because I don't want to get in a situation again where there are a million red flags but I can't see them because I'm wearing the dreaded rose tinted glasses and can't take a step back to see them

@Dancerinthemoonlight you did say you wouldn’t date army guys again - what’s changed your mind?

@thistooshallbefantastic
Nothing has changed my mind but I don't seek out men who are in the army. If someone I am getting along with otherwise brings up in discussion that they are in the army I am not immediately going to write them off just because of their job.
They might turn out to be nice and a match or they might not.

Sports meet and lunch arranged with MrCanal

Seems quite soon to meet again but it doesn’t involve a commute as we’re walking distance of each other - so no planning needed and can switch plans easily

Few chats started on bumble with nice looking guys but seem to have fizzled out very easily

I guess at a distance thinking about staying in touch/the big commute for a tea and a walk just isn’t worth it unless it looks like your ideal One person.

Also if anyone wants me to get the numbers of these eligible bachelors....

...

Just catching up, you do seem to attract the army blokes dancer but they're not all bad. Like you say, eyes wide open and keep posting. It's good that he's offered to come to you without you mentioning it.
Sounds like a promising start @HairyArsedMan I hope it continues! And same to you @SpringlikeBunk Mr canal sounds good, is it helping to invest less in Mr PM?
@Lulu44 I'd be wary of Mr wildlife to be honest, it sounds like a headfuck waiting to happen and you don't seem overly bothered. And you have another potential iron in Mr Steam who you write much more positively about.
Things still a bit weird for me, very on/off and I'm feeling quite confused about the situation and losing hope that it will resolve itself over time.

It’s not just ‘a job’ though is it? I thought it was the lifestyle, attitude, culture of army guys that were a problem? I’m sorry to be challenging here but you have come such a very long way, I just kind of wanted to speak up for those hard-won boundaries

Hello all,

Just catching up.

I had a nice talk with my new Tinder guy today. Let's call him Mr Geek) I just said that I thought things were going a bit too fast, that I liked him but I wanted to take to take things slowly after my bad break up with my ex.

He accepted that and said that's what he wanted to. He's had a bad break up too.

We've started chatting on WhatsApp now, so I'm just going to see how things go, I think 🙂

@ThisTooShallBeFantastic
I know I need to keep my boundaries. Im not going to write someone off because of their job. I will just keep talking and see what happens.
There were a lot of problems with previous men who were in the army. I don't know if that was them or if it's because of the culture of the army. I don't know if they would have been the same if they had of had another job.

I don't see why I keep attracting army men. Especially when they don't have any mention of it in pictures or in their bio.

My main focus is on me at the moment and achieving the goals I have set for myself including a new job. Dating is very much taking a backseat at the moment. When I do go back properly to dating I'm not going to out all my eggs in one basket from the beginning.

*too

@Heartbeats0708

I think honestly they may both fizzle out - I have the big move later this year and my priorities really are work and study and my mental health.

MrCanal changed his bumble profile pics this afternoon after we met and I think he is genuinely a guy who wants to meet interesting new people (does things like Couchsurfing hosting with excellent reviews from males and females old and young) so it’s not necessarily a romantic connection.

MrPM has something very big going on in his industry/workplace (I know indirectly though we haven’t discussed it) so tbh he may be too busy/worried to meet up and I wouldn’t blame him.

But for dating at the moment it’s just trying to give myself a little bit of flirtiness/fantasy/escapism without things getting too heavy? I don’t want any big distractions in the autumn given how hard I’ve worked to win a scholarship.

I suppose I’m trying to keep things casual but not just “sex-focussed” casual if that’s makes sense?

Like I’ve learned that if I say “casual” or “fun” or “not serious” on apps the next line is “when can I come over and put my penis in you?”. Which I don’t want.

So it seems easier to start off like formal dates and then things often close naturally anyway.

@SpringlikeBunk where on earth do you find them? 😂😂😂 I think I’ll pass ...

@Dancerinthemoonlight do you live very near an army base? It does seem unusual! I guess for me the physique would be a huge bonus but I imagine the demands of the lifestyle would make a consistent relationship tricky. Hope he turns out ok though! Do you actually fancy him?

@HairyArsedMan good news about Miss Mooch. When are you seeing her again?

Hi, hope it's okay to post on here, I have done in the past and follow the threads (I'm not a stalker, honest!). I've been with Mr B for 9 months now but, after an initial heady phase and the L word after a few months, it's fizzled out a bit for me. I think I just don't feel that special. Nearly all our relationship has been in one lockdown or another, so not easy to keep it exciting, but he rarely makes an effort with his dress or how clean his house is (there's a thread on this a while back) and we spend most of our time together watching TV. He doesn't seem to think about me when we're not together, as in no little presents/just because things, and we are apart for 8 nights in 14 due to children. Also, I am quite a sexual person and he just isn't. He's happy enough in the bedroom but no suggestive messaging or even innuendo in person. Positives are that we do have a laugh together, and he totally accepts me and my neuroses...

I know he's going to be blindsided when I say something, but I don't expect him to change so is there any point saying the above, or just end it? I hate the thought of hurting his feelings but I ended my marriage because I felt invisible so the last thing I want is to feel similarly again.

Out of curiousity, does anyone pay for apps these days? I got a 1 day deal on Bumble and OK Cupid. Out of 985 likes, i didnt fancy a single one. But ive never paid for Tinder and my noseyness knows no bounds!

@UtterSocks I live about 30 mins from a barracks but the latest isn't from there. He is an hour and a half away. 3 have been from the local barracks and 2 from the south.
I do seem to attract a disproportionately large amount of men who are in the army.

The latest who I will tentatively call Mr Tennis is attractive and I do fancy him. It might fizzle out and not make it to an actual meet and if it does the chemistry/spark might not be there. I'm not counting on anything or having any expectations with any chats making it to meets and then there being a spark.
I have had 46 chats fizzle out in the last month.

Today I have had 2 irons return. Mr Dimples from last February and one I don't think I ever named.

@eesha I have done the free trial on bumble but will never pay for it as it's expensive. I have paid for tinder when they offered it to me for half price for a month

@Dancerinthemoonlight was tinder worth it? its about 28 for the month

@eesha when I was on there last time I waited a month and they offered it to me half price. I think an issue with tinder is that they don't have a pricing structure. They will just have a random amount depending on age, location etc unless it has changed since I was last on there.

It showed me all my matches but then not all of them responded. It was roughly 1 in 15 that I found attractive.

@eesha just created a quick profile to see if it was still the same as I haven't been on for the last 6 months. It's showing as £13.99 a month for me which reinforces there random pricing structure. I probabaly wouldn't pay £28 per month for it

@Misty9

A friend once said to me about a then-boyfriend "he doesn't seem to make you feel cherished", she was right and that's now my benchmark.

I do think it's harder in lockdown and it sounds like he's got too comfortable too quickly. But if you're not feeling special at all, you either need to tell him that and hope he bucks up, or end it.

Mr Neckkisser (bleurgh) asked if I want to meet for a lunchtime walk in the week so I agreed to that (limited as we're both working) but then he blotted his copybook again when we had a brief exchange about some bloods tests I've had which indicate "inflammation" and he said "you inflame me" with that emoji with the hearts for eyes. I've not responded. I really need to stop this or just tell him I don't even want to be friends.
He also has an incomprehensible sense of humour. I posted a pic of myself on FB, on the beach, hair blowing about. I said "went to the beach for fresh air. Can confirm - there is too much air and it's too fresh", which I thought was quite amusing.
He posted "too much air or too much hair?".
No, mate. My joke didn't need your weird expansion, it worked on its own. (Didn't it?)