Dating Thread 200 - Spring is in the Air, Ghosters Beware

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@WeWantTheFinestWines I agree with @ThisTooShallBeFantastic it's fun and we have a laugh, it's not super serious. We are playmates and that word for me invokes fun.

I guess I am lucky I'm exploring new things in a very safe environment with someone I trust.
I genuinely want to find out what things I really like. When it's not fun I won't be doing it anymore.

Interestingly sex with Mr HT is either intimate, affectionate and loving OR hilariously funny where we have fits of the giggles. Both are brilliant.

The one area of my life that I've managed to get over my hang ups is sex. I'm not conventionally body beautiful at all. But I am curvy and attractive and I've learnt to be confident in myself. I've had compliments from guys as a great lover (including both Mr HT and Mr SAS) but actually I think it's because I'm confident and enthusiastic and open minded that's all - I have no special skills (ok maybe some skills 😉).

I have hard and soft boundaries when it come to sex and will happily talk about it in advance so my consent is clear. I find that this very open approach means I've not experienced men crossing my boundaries recently.

I wish I could be so firm with my emotional boundaries 😂😂😂

Yes of course it's playing and fun, which it's how sex should be. Or should be at times, because there has to be space for the gentle and intimate moments as well. I am quite body confident despite not having an amazing body. I think I just need more general confidence I suppose. I'm pretty good at boundary setting though. And I know I can't do FWB, but the craving and ThisToo kind of playfulness in the context of a committed relationship would be awesome.

That does sound awesome @cravingthelook - good boundaries and communication and organisation and both parties respecting and being kind to the other.

Sounds great @cravingthelook😊

Thanks and yes it's great with Mr SAS and I'm lucky that I can trust him and talk to him and try things. We are very honest about non monogamy.

However I currently have no romantic feelings for him.

I'm beginning to learn I want romantic feeling and great sex in the same person. I have hoped to have this with many people over the last 18 months and it's just never worked out.
I'd have loved it to be Mr HT but it hasn't happened.

So I will just take the break, have some physical needs met by being playmates with Mr SAS and when I'm ready to, go back on the apps.

As I said yesterday, I won't walk from Mr HT but I'm no longer hoping for it to work out. That path only leads to heartbreak.

I'm not convinced the extraordinarily fun 'play' sex is something that is realistic to expect in a loving, intimate relationship @cravingthelook - an amazing bonus if it happens though!

Thanks for the ideas craving I'm sure they will come in handy when I'm out of this period of celibacy!
I've found that combination just once, thistoo but I'm hardly worldly. The feelings bit just fizzled on my part sadly. I still wish it could've worked but as well are all too aware, you can't make yourself feel something. Do worry I won't find it again too.
Has anyone got any weekend dates?

Hi everyone,

Lovely to see you all again 🙂

I've joined Tinder since I last posted (on the other thread) and have met someone who seems really nice. He wants to take me out soon but I'm feeling wary of dating again because of what happened with my ex.

I think I'm just scared of dating someone new. I have told the guy that I want to take it slowly though.

Aaaahhh! Why am I feeling like this?

Hand hold please?

No weekend dates but two very new chat irons who live locally so I might see if they’re up for a walk!

Definitely feel a bit more relaxed now I “desexed” it all a bit

I don’t really like putting negative statements on my profile but I did put “not interested in hookup meets”

I have a lowish sex drive -so it’s not like I have needs I have to fulfil

and I don’t really want the hassle of some bloke trying to subtly suss out if I’m “up for it” before even bothering with basic polite communication

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards not sure of your history sorry but I've been extremely nervous about meet ups since a hideous relationship resulting from OLD. Hand hold here for you! Taking a leap of faith can feel insurmountable at times, hope it works out for you.

Can I ask you all WYWD? Been talking to someone quite a lot since Monday but no talk of moving off the app yet. Is this 'normal'? I am very new to OLD, have mentioned previously but just as a FYI :)

@Nutellaplease

I normally end a chat with “do you have WhatsApp? I’m on **”

Or something like “it was nice chatting with you I’m off to bed now! Give me a message or a WhatsApp some time I’m on ”

Yes I’ve done similar @Nutella - just suggest it’s easier to message off the app and give number

Meet arranged for tomorrow pm we’re confirming in morning fingers crossed for ok weather

Woo @SpringlikeBunk I like your style

Hey everyone! Planning on catching up with the thread this evening but just after some advice - how do you word it when asking what someone actually wants? I've not had to have this chat in about 11 years so I'm rusty! Basically, me and MrKeen have been daily messaging for three weeks..no phone calls though (?) But lots of texting & we get on really well, convo flows easily etc. We've spoken about meeting a few times but never actually get a date set in stone..it's always just "can't wait til we can meet" or "really hoping it's soon". We've never had a chat about what we want - date, Fwb, lockdown loneliness online chatting! How do I word it without making him run?

@havecourage8bekind he'll run if he's going to run, however you word it.
Just send a message like,

Meeting in person is important to assess if that elusive spark is there, with that in mind can we make a plan to meet now?

If he dodges the question after three weeks he doesn't want to meet

@Mayzee I know I’m a fast worker (May be on here swearing afterwards if it’s awful lol!).

Though he seems kind and polite and intelligent (easy to background check with work site) and that’s the main thing for me right now? I fancy an intelligent conversation not passion in our soggy walking gear.

@havecourage8bekind

I dunno how much it’s just my own personal style but I just ask - with MrPM, in the first WhatsApp conversation I said:

“So, slightly direct question - what is it you’re looking for? I’m single, divorced no kids looking to date, fall in love, have a relationship.”

He just replied saying he appreciated direct questions and was looking for the same (although he’s not been married). It’s not like I will be turning up at the first date in a wedding dress might be thinking about every detail though

I don’t think it’s a case of scaring anyone away, just communicating honestly about your needs and letting the other person show you theirs.

If he’s just “I don’t know have fun lol” then you know that he might be a bit emotionally immature/casual.

If a guy wants something casual and I want something else then it’s actually probably better to stop chatting as we’re not compatible?

I don’t think I can handle casual right now so I’m being quite clear it’s formal dating only.

[quote frankiefirstyear]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards not sure of your history sorry but I've been extremely nervous about meet ups since a hideous relationship resulting from OLD. Hand hold here for you! Taking a leap of faith can feel insurmountable at times, hope it works out for you. [/quote]
@frankiefirstyear thank you! That's very much appreciated!

My ex and I also met on online dating (match.com) I loved him very much and we were planning a life together. One day he just fell out of love with me. He wanted to be 'friends.' But I cut off contact with him as I would have found it very upsetting to be friends with him and also I didn't want to reward him for his behaviour, if that makes sense.

The only slight problem I'm getting with the New guy is when I say something like 'I'm going to bed now.' He keeps messaging me so I feel like I have to reply! I have a disability that I get into a lot of pain because of, so it's a bit draining!

Rule 12 havecourage. If telling him what you're looking for is going to make him run, he is not looking for the same thing. The sooner you find that out, the better.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards do you reply from FOMO? Is he asking questions when he continues or is it more like
Hey I'm off to bed
Ok sleep well
You too
Sure I will
Etc etc...in which case you really didn't need to reply but I do this too 🤦‍♀️ apparently I've always liked 'the last word'.
I'd say you need to find your boundaries and stick to them, especially if it's creating issues for you outside of just feeling tired.

Really struggling myself tonight, it's been nearly two weeks since seeing Mr M, date planned for tomorrow but a few unlucky timings/circumstances have meant cancellations and it's really hard not seeing him for so long. Can't help but not get too excited at the prospect in case it's cancelled again 😩

@frankiefirstyear Mr HT seems to like to have the last word so I sometimes keep messaging out of sheer minxyness 😂😂😂 it just gets ridiculous. It's part of the daft fun.

[quote frankiefirstyear]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards do you reply from FOMO? Is he asking questions when he continues or is it more like
Hey I'm off to bed
Ok sleep well
You too
Sure I will
Etc etc...in which case you really didn't need to reply but I do this too 🤦‍♀️ apparently I've always liked 'the last word'.
I'd say you need to find your boundaries and stick to them, especially if it's creating issues for you outside of just feeling tired.

Really struggling myself tonight, it's been nearly two weeks since seeing Mr M, date planned for tomorrow but a few unlucky timings/circumstances have meant cancellations and it's really hard not seeing him for so long. Can't help but not get too excited at the prospect in case it's cancelled again 😩[/quote]
@frankiefirstyear yeah it's like 'I'm feeling tired now, I'm off to bed.' 'Sleep well.'thanks you too.' Aaahhhh!

I did hint to him a bit by saying 'I should probably log out of this.' And he said 'that's a good idea.' But he didn't take the hint. Perhaps I should just say 'I'm off to bed now. Please don't message back, if that's okay?'

Sorry to hear your struggling. I've been getting like that a lot recently, so I can understand how you're feeling. Sending lots of and ❤️ to you 😘😘

Just say "night x" and turn off notifications.

MrWG messaged back to my photo of the sea, a few messages back and forth. I'm a bit tipsy (fish and chips, champagne, ice cream and red wine with my mum) it'd be nice if he hadn't now gone quiet!

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

I agree it makes dating a lot easier if you can set boundaries (it’s hard because of course we don’t want to be cold - but if someone goes off us because we aren’t messaging fifty times when we’re tired they’re not worth it!).

There’s also an argument for “pacing” messaging if you need to - you might not want to be online all the time!

I tend to say “off to bed now, sleep well xxxx” or something similar.

If they’re asking me to stay up when I’ve said that it’s actually quite controlling and a red flag IMO

(Sometimes MrMilitary sends a few after that but then it’s not like he’s mega-reliable in replying to my messages so I’ve learned to just mirror his behaviour and contact levels back at him).