Dating Thread 200 - Spring is in the Air, Ghosters Beware

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@WingingItAtLife I wasnt thinking he was using you for sex but more that if you hadn't DTD he might be worried about his performance.

Its good to be upfront but he's hardly likely to say I'm slowly withdrawing. His actions are speaking very loud.

So he fell asleep but still read your message at 10.30 but couldnt even type a short message to say he was too tired/half asleep/in bed?

I am concerned about him trying to trample on your boundaries around your kids and him coming over.
Despite knowing your stance he asks every night you have them and when you decline he passive aggressively tells you the ball is in your court and he respects your decision.
He doesn't respect your decision at all otherwise he wouldn't keep saying it.
He's hoping you will lower your boundaries.

Personally I would see how this week plays out and whether he comes over and then see what happens once the kids are back and if by some miracle he is no longer tired and wants to come over then make a decision then.

Is him not coming over this week punishment for not letting him over when you have the kids?
You'll be so desperate to see him he thinks you'll let him over when the kids are there.

Social media statuses mean nothing nowadays, i was married for 17 yrs but had no status on social media and went by my maiden name.

Hmm he's just sent me photos of his work today, I didn't ask what he was doing, he just did it.

I'm in work today so not much time for serious messages/conversation.

I'd like to think he'll tell me the truth but in all honesty, how would I know.

I think I'm going to have to message him something later because this over thinking is doing me no good at all. The worst that will happen is we'll drift apart and I'll lick my wounds and start again right? X

@WingingItAtLife if he won’t take a call or come to yours then I would send a message - not overly detailed just an indication of what you are thinking - and then sit back and see what pans out.
If he makes no effort to come over tonight when he knows you are not child free for a while then I think you are perfectly reasonable to question that.
I asked with my last iron was he not feeling it when the messaging got a bit lax and he had passed up a chance to meet up and got fobbed off with the I’m busy with work, tired, stressed. I gave him space and didn’t pressure. We never saw each other again!

@WingingItAtLife You need to do whats right for you.
But no relationship, this early on, should be this difficult and cause you to overthink.

I've been fobbed off before with the too busy / too tired / too ( insert excuse) and it just messes with you.

I know it's tricky but I'd much rather be told someone just wasn't feeling it with me like I told Mr Spreadsheet.

I'm not sure winging I think I would have to ask though! Seems like he is pissing about by asking to see you when you aren't free but not when you are.

No more irons for me...I've exhausted tinder and bumble for now. I'm wondering where all the nice guys hang out but i can't find any!

Do you really like him @WingingItAtLife? Is he worth all this angst? I’m sorry but he doesn’t sound all that keen at all - if he was you would know, for sure. In your shoes I would step right back, it doesn’t sound like he will give you what you need.

@WingingItAtLife, I hate situations like this because you end up questioning yourself and working out the best tactic so that you don't come across as needy if you ask too many questions or keep asking the same question.
You only really have 2 options - sit back and wait to see what his next move is. If you are pretty sure he knows that you have a free house tonight then he should be making contact to discuss if there is a possibility to meet or if he can't , he should be explaining why.
Option 2 is that you are honest, say that you like him, have enjoyed getting to know him so far but that you are feeling a bit frustrated that plans are so difficult to make.
I'm always in the camp that says, if they like you they find a way to make time to see you and that communication should be free flowing and easy. You want to be giving your attention to someone who makes you feel like a priority.

Just be careful. @WingingItAtLife be better at protecting yourself than I am.

I let Mr HT back off 3 weeks ago and did 5 days of licking my wounds and just when I honestly thought he had gone he came back. He was affectionate and funny and chatty again. The last time we were together I told him something of my childhood trauma.

Last night, he said he was off to meet his daughter and I said - chat later? I really need a hug. His reply was I don't know if she's staying at mine or not. I said ok.

I've not heard from him since.

I don't see the point in messaging.

I live torn between being cool FWB and just letting things be what they will be and me totally walking away because I'm not getting what I need from a F. The Bs come when he wants them.

I've always multi- dated to protect myself from this. This is the first time I've not wanted to multi date since Mr Swan.

I'm just going to not bother messaging. Perhaps after some time, I can be his friend.
I know that the best thing to do is say goodbye but I'll be honest the last year has been brutal and I just can't stomach another total loss of a person from my life right now. I have Miss Jam, Dancer, you lot and my therapist which I am thankful for but I am lonely, physical touch is my love language and I feel so starved.

Also the very first guy I met after my marriage ended was a total arse, but we were friends. He's faded away and come back to that friendship many times but I've not seen him in person for months and months. He's been pretty shit re letting me down. So when a few months ago when I was feeling low and I told him. He told me to get a grip and check my privilege. I just didn't message again. I deleted the conversation and his number. He popped up this week to ask if I was still in a huff with him. I simply replied never was. He's not messaged again and I'm just going to delete. I used to ask him what he was back for. I can't be arsed.

My eldest DD is causing drama because it's Mother's Day on Sunday and I've not been behaving exactly as she wants me to.

Mr SAS is really sweet and told me he likes me a lot. That really does feel like it's a real FWB but I don't have any feels. I've never stayed over there. I held him back a bit because I had feels for Mr HT.

I have some tough thinking to do. I'm sorry for just whinging and spilling on here.

@cravingthelook sending hugs and 💐. Its not easy but we WILL get there.

Sorry to hear @cravingthelook - if it's not giving you what you want and need then yes walking away might be the best thing for you to do?

Lots of great advice @WingingItAtLife and def second craving's idea to protect yourself

@cravingthelook, don't apologise. Surely the purpose of the thread is to offload, share, debate and support each other. It seems so clear in what you write that you need someone to be authentic, clear, consistent and loving. It sounds like you are overdue an iron who gives you all of that and more.
During the most difficult and draining parts of the last few years I would wonder how many times I could pick myself up and carry on but knew I had no choice other than to do so. And in this scenario the search for what you are craving is what is also causing the most stress. There is always the thought that maybe the next one will be the good one so we carry on. But maybe an absolute break, only see friends, focus totally on yourself and your family for a few weeks. Step off the highly charged rollercoaster that is dating and allow your system to recharge

New category of Bumble lads - the “tinder refugees”

Just be honest about why we’re all here, consenting adults etc

@SpringlikeBunk thanks ... I screenshot the semen one 😂😂😂

@cravingthelook

I almost bagged myself an OAP too! Said 58 so probably 85.

But I swiped the wrong way

Was a bit naughty going back on bumble dating

but just for a while, and I’ve got the number of someone who is a kind of “friendly international geeky good egg” type so see how that goes

@SpringlikeBunk

You do make me laugh.

I've had lots of tears over Mr HT ... it's how I just accept the emotion and deal with it. Talked to dancer and a real life friend.

I'm not ready to block him, but I'm ready to reflect/mirror exactly what he gives me.

I talked with Mr SAS today, there's been chat about a sleep over next week. It's a change in dynamic. Our usual for the last few months had been me paying a visit to his place (usually once a fortnight- sometimes weekly depending on our schedules) with a pre-planned play scenario.
Last week I went and just hung out and watched tv. I told him I just wasn't feeling so good about things.
Because of our dynamic I really do see him as a lovely, older, wiser playmate who will never mess me around.
I'll try staying and see how I feel. I just have to ensure my intentions are pure.

@cravingthelook 'pre planned play scenario' this sounds interesting 🧐 *hopefully waits for expansion and potential ideas

@frankiefirstyear same 😂

Loving the screenshots bunk 🤣
Pre-planned play scenario. I love this thread.

Oh my.... I just laughed so much. It's good medicine.

So how can I put this... Mr SAS and I plan out how the evening will go, beforehand. It's useful to be mentally and physically prepared and ensures we both consent. Sometimes it means I'll wear a particular outfit or bring a certain toy.

Below content is of a sexual nature warning.....

Scenarios have included blindfolded and restrained sensory play, glory hole set up just inside the front door, me in charge giving pleasure orders etc.

We met on Fab - it was a regular playmate set up 😂

@WingingItAtLife

Hey how are you doing. From experience please do not waste your time on someone who makes out he is planning to see you when he knows full well that you can’t meet up. I have wasted 2 years of my life hanging around for someone I met OLD.

The first time he asked if he could come around he knew I had the kids. He seemed so disappointed when I said it wasn’t a possibility. Then the second time, I rang around, as I desperately wanted to see him and thought he did too, so the kids went to a friends for a few hours. I sent him a message saying we have my house free for three hours come quick! And I didn’t hear from him that evening. I was devastated and confused. The next day I asked him about it and he had a go at me saying the only reason I was upset was because I had looked stupid?! WTF.

Plenty of times after this I rearranged plans to try and fit in with his schedule.

After two years I’ve finally had enough and am no NC with him. I told him that he wasn’t giving me enough of his time and I’ve not heard back from him. What a waste of two years.

Stupid as I knew from the start it was going to be like that but I really liked him and thought things would change after a while.

Things were great when we were together but when we were apart which was most of the time I just had this nagging feeling all the time. I constantly either felt let down by him or questioning whether I was being too needy.

My advice is to always listen to your gut.

Thank you for sharing craving. Don't think I could do anything like that with a straight face and for that reason I feel a bit uptight and like I'm missing out. It's amazing that you have someone to do this with and it must be really exciting to explore scenarios like that.

@cravingthelook thanks for sharing...could be some ideas for a bit of spice further down the line for me and Mr M 😃

@Buttonit789

That’s a really helpful post, thanks for sharing your experiences.

Seems there’s a lot of these flaky types out there!

I think it’s a form of passive aggressive control as well - like Sorting said earlier it means you can’t put any boundaries of your own in (like not coming over when kids are around, or being a bit too busy/ill to have guests)

as they’ll then “punish” you by not meeting up or replying to messages or stonewalling afterwards.

It’s like you have to be “on-call” all the time and constantly on edge having to organise, as they (pretend to) get upset otherwise.

But try suggesting “do you fancy meeting for a coffee at 11am this Saturday?” and you get treated like you’ve made some ludicrous request or asked them to buy you a diamond necklace or something.

@WeWantTheFinestWines I found the point when playing games like that is you don't need to keep a straight face - it's fun!