Dating Thread 200 - Spring is in the Air, Ghosters Beware

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

The realisation that I haven't met any new people for over 6 months is a real downer I'm finding - talk about Groundhog Day! It's not for much longer though gang, we need to dig deep and just keep on keeping on (as my much missed DM used to say).

@SpringlikeBunk please don't worry about 'checking your privilege' - your feelings are perfectly valid and you shouldn't feel for a minute that they are less valid because you have more going your way than other people do.

I too feel for Mr G @UtterSocks - my very good friend was in this position and when he finally did assert himself, he experienced a world of pain at his now XW's hands. All I could do was watch from the sidelines and offer a shoulder to cry on while the nightmare unfurled then slowly resolved. There was no way he was in any place for a new relationship and he knew that full well. Why does Mr G feel that he is ready for a proper relationship now, before he has sorted things? There's no space for one, surely?

Thank you all so much for your lovely and thoughtful advice. I am overwhelmed by the support on here and feel bad clogging up the thread with my frankly ridiculous situation!

For the record I have told Mr G in no uncertain terms moving into mine is not a solution.

He has promised to speak to a lawyer this morning. Well, he messaged me in the early hours to say he would. I have not heard from him today which is very unusual and it is now the afternoon, so imagine he may have bottled out and does not want to say so.

I have told him if she moves back in with him we are over. I'm not going back to meeting in rainy parks and him going to Morrissons at 10pm to phone me from the car. I don't know if he truly believes me. I have said I need a break until he sorts something out. He knows I have an empty house tomorrow evening and wants to come over (I invited him prior to this kicking off) and I have said I find it hard to be with him right now because if we talk about his ex it's just a tiring circular conversation and if we don't then it's the elephant in the room that I have ignored so long.

@HairyArsedMan that article is spot on. It does describe Mr G to an extent - it also describes me perfectly - or at least the old me of a year ago. I have been doing a lot of intense therapy work to get over it and learn to set boundaries, but I was/am like that myself and it was also from a traumatic abusive marriage. So in a way it is why we respond to and appreciate each other - but also the cause of our problems...

@TheCatWithTheHat I agree, POF is a shit benchmark. I found it to contain the absolute dregs. I also concur with @VanGoghsDog that pausing the apps for a bit throws up better matches when you resume so try that?

@SpringlikeBunk hope you feel better soon. Lockdown loneliness is real!

@cravingthelook did he get back to you about tonight? Any chance of a meeting? To be fair Mr L sometimes binned me off cos he was 'tired' or vice versa and because it was only ever FWB neither of us took offence. It doesn't mean he isn't into you, but yes it is harder to make a thing of it if you are of that casual mindset...

So hard to focus on work today! Need to get back to it.

Thanks again everyone for your support xxx.

@SpringlikeBunk

We all have a bit of craving 😁

@HairyArsedMan thank you for sharing such a compelling link, it speaks volumes to me and addresses issues discussed with my therapist but had totally forgotten, thanks again for the reminder.

I need some advice please....

I've been chatting to Mr Green since January. We text for quite a few weeks before an opportunity arose to meet up.
We met up on one of my weekends without the children and both agreed we clicked and liked each other. He openly admitted that he'd come off the apps because he liked me.
We met up the next opportunity I had (alternate weekends without children), twice that weekend. Again he told me how much he liked me.
We've still been chatting since (WhatsApp and calls). The messaging has slowed but I put that down to us not having much to say to each other because obviously were not doing much, we still messaged several times a day. And he messaging things like 'be careful, I worry'.

My problem is this.... Almost every night he messages that he'll like to come over to see me.... And I always say that I'd like that too but the kids are here so we can't (my kids don't sleep well). And he says the ball is in my court and he respects my decision

We arranged to meet last Friday (dinner at mine) but he cancelled about 2 hours before because he had to work late (he has to complete a job before he leaves - it's not a job with set hours). He apologized and I told him I'd like to see him this week while my ex has the kids tues-fri.
He messaged on Monday to say Thursday should be okay.
We were chatting on Tuesday and I casually mentioned him coming over. asked him over. he said he had to get some jobs done because it's not likely he'll get them done at the end of the week (weather dependent).

Tonight he's messaged and said he misses my face...
So I replied 'come see me then!'
And he replied with a sad face. Nothing else.

Wtf does this all mean?!
When he knows the kids are here, he says he'd like to come over.
Well my kids aren't here now so it's a perfect opportunity... And he doesn't want to come over. I don't understand.

Am I expecting too much for him to come over a day at work?? He lives 15 minutes away so not far.

@WingingItAtLife

Is it worth trying for a phone call so you can see what’s happening? Still Wednesday so is he thinking of coming over another night?

(One of my long distance irons is a bit flaky in randomly offering to come over when I haven’t wanted him to

then if I think of planning/arranging something in advance - nothing complicated just a simple plan so we can have some privacy - he doesn’t really listen or engage.

Drives me nuts tbh and I wouldn’t go exclusively with him on that basis as it’s too stressful for me).

Hmm we do have phone calls sometimes, I asked him for one last night and he seemed to for it but then fell asleep!! So I know he's exhausted because he's having sleep problems.
I just don't understand the whole 'i miss you and wanna see you' but then he doesn't actually do it when the opportunity is there x

I would love to ask for a call tonight but I feel like I'm always the one asking to meet/call.
Could be because I'm the one with the children I guess so we have to work around me x

He could genuinely be exhausted and overworked so I guess you could give it time and see how it plays out - has he been reliable/easy to organise with before?

It’s down to you really how flexible or not you want to be in arranging things.

It could be a one off this week but if he’s a bit flaky generally and difficult to arrange with and it’s not your style you don’t have to accept it.

With my iron MrMilitary as he’s a bit disorganised/flaky I haven’t really taken him that seriously as a prospect although he’s great in person and we’re still lightly in touch (and yes he does all the needy texts etc from time to time)?

But I’d personally prefer someone who I can easily book a date in with not flowery words.

Hmm, the first 3 meetings were easily arranged. And he's always text straight away after, none of that hanging around rubbish. He openly said he hates game playing of any sort, so maybe I have to trust that he is simply tired.

He hasn't mentioned tonight wether be can come over tomorrow or not and I don't want push it but he's also said in the past that he doesn't like to assume or make decisions about meeting.
Yes as much as it's nice to hear I am being missed, I'd much prefer someone who I can rely upon.

I don't think he is messing me around but I think maybe I let my work colleague get in my head today who said she's getting 'spidey senses' about him not making an effort x

Could arrange some nice things to do solo to take your mind off him - just chill out by yourself self-care stuff.

If he wants to come over he can arrange or suggest it.

Review how you feel at the weekend maybe?

@wingingitatlife on the flip side of the coin it could be that he asks to come over when he knows he can't and doesn't when he knows he can. That way if you ever question him about it he can say well I offered but never could as your children were always there.

@WingingItAtLife I'm with dancer, I think he's deliberately not asking to meet when you're free.

Why would he need to tell you he's not into game playing, normal men don't need to tell you that as it should be a given.
The man doth protest too much.

If he is only 15 mins away I would expect him to make more effort to visit.

Him also declaring he was off the apps after the first meeting seems a bit love bomby to me. Did you then agree to come off the apps too?

I had already come off the apps - the ex found me and kicked right off on me and I just didn't want to deal with the drama tbh x

@WingingItAtLife are you positive he is single though? It's just he seems to want to meet but only picks days you can't do, almost like he's pretending to make an effort by asking to see you knowing full well you can't. Is he arranging things around his own times because actually he has someone else? Perhaps I'm paranoid though....

Yes his social media states single and his best friend tagged him in something a few weeks back about being single.

I sent a messenger asking for a call, sent it around 9. He saw it around 10:30 and hasn't replied. He's usually up pretty late (apart from random naps when he's tired) and has never not replied all night

I just don't understand - up until this last week where he's cancelled Friday and doesn't seem to want to meet up, he's made a lot of effort to stay in touch. Told me loads about his life which is backed up by stuff on social media. Sends me photos of his work, messages in the morning and at lunch.

@WingingItAtLife Has he gone in so fast that he's burnt out and the fun has gone?

Do you mind if I ask if you've DTD?

👆 this is what I'm thinking too

@SortingItOut
Hmm I've wondered This. The few weeks we spent before we met up, there was lots of messaging, lots of laughter. But also lots of serious conversation about what we both wanted and him saying that he didn't want to be messed around/hurt because he'd had that in the past.

Yes we did DTD, last time we met. Almost 3 weeks ago. And I've wondered if that was all be was after, but then would he still be messaging every day? Asking how my day is etc.
And if it was sex he was after, he's had the perfect opportunity this week to come over for more x

Hey all, I am on date 7 with a man I met on a paid site, after nearly giving up OLD entirely. I like him a lot, he makes my stomach flip and everything. He's said how much he likes me too. I have zero confidence after years of crap dating and don't want to wreck this by getting boring or comfortable too soon and ending up disappointed again.

winging what everybody else said. He can say he's making an effort without actually making an effort.

It's only 'game playing' when it's done to you. If you're the one being flaky it's somehow just doing what you need to do. It seems to be all about him and not about you anymore.

@Yellowhighheels take it one day at a time

@WingingItAtLife I'm going to give you and I the same advice today, don't let the fact you like him blind you to what he's showing you.
Take a breathe step back and watch like an outsider would. Then re-assess things with fresh eyes.

Thank you @cravingthelook

He's just messaged and said he fell asleep, sorry.

I don't know what to do next.
Do I be open with him and tell him how I'm feeling? Ask him if everything is okay with him and I? I'd rather know now if he's going off me.

Or do I take a step back and let him make an effort and come to me? Sort of feels like game playing though x x

He's openly said in the past that he'd like me to approach him if something is bothering me and we'll talk about it, thing is, I can't get him on the phone to actually talk x

@WingingItAtLife it depends if you think he will tell you the truth. I would say something then take a small step back and see what he does