Dating Thread 200 - Spring is in the Air, Ghosters Beware

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@TigsytheTiger I know, it's a good point you make, thank you but I've told him all this. Get CCTV to show you aren't violent, save all the vile abusive WhatsApp message, record the phone calls, log it with the police, talk to a lawyer - I have said it and he hasn't done anything, so I am not saying it again.

@frankiefirstyear I'm sorry I feel for you too I really do. My ex was a volatile bad-tempered twat who sometimes caused scenes in public when we were together, but he stays away from me now. It is just the financial bullying that continues but at least I don't see him and he is never likely to know about or meet any of my boyfriends. It helps that he is in a new relationship. I genuinely understand that you would be upset if Mr M walked away or withdrew, and I hope for your sake he doesn''t, and yes I do feel kind of a bitch tbh but I keep thinking that a) Mr G hid this from me (or we wouldn't have got past the first date) b) he isn't really doing anything to sort it, and c) it is not even within his gift to choose whether to be with me or not, she has already put a stop to our weekend and this could go on and on and on... I am also wondering now whether I might be his escape ladder. I hope not and I don't think he is calculating, but I have my own house (for now) and DD leaves home next year. He has dropped hints which I have ignored, but I don't want anyone moving in with me. My trust levels are way too low to ever do that and even if they weren't who would take this on?

@UtterSocks Mr G's ex is threatened by him having a 'girlfriend' and so she has to act like this because she is worried about losing her home.
She is dealing with it in the only way she knows that works and that is shouting and threats.
In an ideal world he would have sorted everything out before but there probably never felt a need and when you're weighed down by living like that its easier to keep the status quo than rock the boat (as we both know).

Hopefully having you in his life will help him get this sorted once and for all.
There is no reason why you both can't be happy in the future, yes this will take some sorting out but it can be sorted out.

Please don't berate yourself for pushing it all to the back of your mind, you finally found a man who likes you for you and why wouldnt you embrace and enjoy that?

By all means take a step back for now but not too far back. You dont need to fix him, he can fix himself and get this sorted bit needs time.

Maybe while Mr G is sorting his assets you can get your divorce finalised and soon you'll both be free of your ex's (as much as you can be when you share kids)

@UtterSocks, in which case you have done everything you can! How frustrating that he just won't deal with it, does he know the very real risk of losing you if he doesn't?

@UtterSocks

I agree with @cravingthelook let him know you feel supportive

but equally might be good for you to completely step back a bit - don’t offer advice or problem-solve or be a shoulder to cry on?

Put yourself first. You’re not offering your home and stable life as a solution and you’re not a comfort woman.

My experience of this kind of toxic overdramatic situation is that it can often end up with the nice neutral bystander/third party ending up in the firing line?

Sounds cynical but I steer well clear of other peoples conflicts and dramas now

as even if I’m trying to do the right thing or have loving intentions , often it ends with me having to give my time and emotional energy whilst being resented by both sides!

unfortunately often the corollary to “my ex has done me over financially” is “so the new woman in my life owes me resources and support to make life better” .

Hope you get some peace and clarity on this

Thanks @SpringlikeBunk, @SortingItOut, @TigsytheTiger - you are right I need to step back. He has been messaging this afternoon saying he has he to take the afternoon off work cos he is so upset and please can he talk to me tonight. I will talk to him but only to say he needs to sort it. I bet he didn’t ring the solicitor I sent him. Whenever I ask why he doesn’t take control he just says “she lies” or “she twists things”. I mean we know that - so is the answer to let her ruin his life? I feel very sorry for him but I can’t help 🤷‍♀️

I had a relatively similar situation to this @UtterSocks and did step back. I'd been sympathetic, offered advice and helped with some admin but when it came down to it I backed right off. It wasn't my battle to fight, or my decision to make, and I ended up stressed from my involvement in it too. So I essentially outlined the options and backed right off. It "worked" in that a decision was finally made and it was certainly for the better! Though not quite as complex as Mr G's, it prevented me from seeing my iron and it' was frustrating when they said things like 'oh I wish I could see you' and I'm like yeah well sort your shit out and we could 🙄

I'm only child free tonight and tomorrow and after last nights flirty messaging I sent a subtle proposition to Mr HT. He says he is very tired tonight 😔

@UtterSocks

Thanks *@SpringlikeBunk, @SortingItOut, @TigsytheTiger* - you are right I need to step back. He has been messaging this afternoon saying he has he to take the afternoon off work cos he is so upset and please can he talk to me tonight. I will talk to him but only to say he needs to sort it. I bet he didn’t ring the solicitor I sent him. Whenever I ask why he doesn’t take control he just says “she lies” or “she twists things”. I mean we know that - so is the answer to let her ruin his life? I feel very sorry for him but I can’t help 🤷‍♀️

It may be worth pointing out that if he doesn't stand up to her, your relationship with him is doomed.

Oh craving that's harsh..I would find that really upsetting 😕

Thanks @bangheadhere40 we did flirt a lot yesterday and usually a picture of my legs is a hint always taken.

His message was: 'Oh don’t be daft they’ve (he was referring to my legs) got all the pulling power and charm in the world 🌎 😉. I’m just knackered after staying up trying to get ....'

It does sting a bit - but as we are just casual and haven't talked about what we are I just have to take it at face value. If he doesn't want to see me tomorrow, I guess he's not that bothered.

Random midnight loneliness kicking in - I’ve rejoined bumble and trying the business networking thing to see if I can get new contacts.

No matches hopefully everyone is in bed and I’ll get some tomorrow

Feeling urge to text (slightly incompatible so probably wouldn’t get me) irons just to chat. Or go back on tinder.

@UtterSocks My thing with Miss C wasn't much longer than 3 months, and often it's the short ones that linger the longest. I know exactly what you mean too about manically dating to try and move on - I've done just that as well. I'm also really sorry to read your latest posts - it must be so frustrating and upsetting. Don't beat yourself up about it though - you've met someone you like, and of course you're going to have feelings and find it hard to walk away. I have nothing useful to offer as advice, but I really hope things do get resolved.

I've still had virtually no matches or even likes on Bumble, Tinder and Hinge despite swiping my little lonely heart out for the last few days. A friend of mine kindly spent a few hours last night giving me some more advice on my profile, and helping me tweak it further. I should really be needing those flexible queue barriers for the crowds of women running after me, but all I get is tumble weed.

I met the same friend for a walk today, and we compared notes on the apps - I showed her the profiles I see on Bumble, and she showed me her PoF prospects. I may be biased, but from what I saw today my profile stands out from the majority of other guys, which makes me even more bemused why I'm getting no responses. It's rather depressing, and I just don't understand why.

@UtterSocks I hope you’ve gotten some sleep and are maybe feeling better about things. Maybe he has shocked you and been all forceful with the ex...but unlikely I know!
I agree with everything Spring said in her post above. I also think you’ve told this man plenty of times that this drama is not for you. You have stayed with him against all your better judgment and things have been great while she has been out of the picture. Now it’s starting again and he is probably hoping you will stay or even better offer a solution such as move him in so he can stay blinkered about this and not deal with it while still having you.
He needs to realise his lack of action has a serious consequence. And I do so he is in a difficult position when she cries wolf about calling the police etc, but his inaction has let it get to this stage. You could turn yourself inside out helping him but until he actually talks to the solicitor or the police nothing will change.
Everyone else is doing the same thing so you need to be the one to change things I fear.

@UtterSocks - Agree with all above and not much to add but my spider senses tingled strongly when I read he'd implied moving into yours.

No matches from bumble biz yet (was hoping for some work chats over coffee walks). And bumble for meeting people doesn’t have many people locally for me.

Seemed a better avenue for upping my social life a bit, as I want to go out and chat with new people - but ethically I’m struggling with the idea of going onto dating sites and “just meeting people as mates” as this often seems to go a bit complicated, someone gets resentful etc.

Just need to ride out the loneliness a bit I think

I agree with @HairyArsedMan @UtterSocks that’s very odd to imply

Wait @LongtimelurkerL I didn't say anything about @UtterSocks situation but will now ... From experience I imagine MrG is caught between a rock and a hard place and one of the side effects of persistent abuse/stress that he appears to have contended with is actually passivity/caving. I posted a link to the thread a while back - might be worth a repost:

amp.mindbodygreen.com/articles/the-fight-flight-freeze-fawn-trauma-responses

@TheCatWithTheHat I think it's likely that everyone that has seen you and is minded to swipe positively and is currently uninvolved will have done so by now. In that respect the profile doesn't make much difference - not that I imagine PoF will ever be a high water mark that's worth comparing against. No need to be lonely though, you have friends, you have a casual thing with Miss Forest that may well deepen, you even have us here on the thread - relax and let the world come to you !

I've found pausing the apps for a couple of weeks at a time makes things a bit fresher.

My pause just ended and lots of nice seeming new men, and one match. I've sent a message, will see where that goes.

Though I did swipe right on a guy in my actual village, so be nice if that was a match, but I'll keep my eyes open for him on my daily walks!

[quote DudeFromThatLondon]@UtterSocks - Agree with all above and not much to add but my spider senses tingled strongly when I read he'd implied moving into yours.[/quote]
Yes I've got to say I heard alarm bells with this too, being sold as the "solution". I think @UtterSocks is wise to it and unwilling to give up her space/independence if I remember rightly, so perhaps this has been dismissed already..

Sorry @HairyArsedMan - I meant @DudeFromThatLondon - apologies

@SpringlikeBunk, lockdown loneliness, or any kind of loneliness is not a pleasant feeling and difficult to address in the current climate. I have felt lonely at times and of course the recurrent advice is to get out there, get involved in things, etc etc. But that was difficult before and nigh on impossible at the moment. What do you feel you are missing most or in need of ?
@UtterSocks, hopefully you managed to have a good chat with Mr G last night. What a thoroughly frustrating situation. His remark about moving in with you is possibly another example of him trying to find an 'easy' solution. He wants to be with you and if he allows his ex to keep/live in the house he has kept her happy and not lost you in the process. His reactions going forward will tell you if he is finally prepared to make the stand to stop her manipulation .

@Onesmallstep67

Thanks for asking I think its just my mind playing tricks on me!

Overall I'm actually in a fairly decent situation - got some great work opportunities going forward which I'm well supported on and have been told were well deserved, but I think imposter syndrome/previous bullying and trauma is weighing down on me a fair bit.

I want a bit of pleasant social frivolity - sitting in a bar with someone intelligent having a discussion, getting to know a different perspective on life, take me out of my own head and anxieties a bit. But not overly sexed or weird (so a lot of Tinder is out!).

Like with my "sort-of" irons in person that's pretty much what they add to my life (cheery extroverted types from different worlds!). But given the romantic ambiguity I'm not sure it's that helpful communicating with them.

My lodger is awesome and a really nice guy to chat to, but we have really similar personalities (slightly overthinking intense mild depressives) so it's not helpful right now? Plus we don't really have anything new to say.

Yesterday I also had coffee too late in the day/spent too much time on social media which I think put me on edge a bit physically and mentally.

I recognise my privilege on a lot of things right now, but also I am feeling a bit of craving?

Going for a long walk this evening and staying away from the caffeine!

@HairyArsedMan I'm hoping that there are still a fair few people who haven't seen my new profiles, plus new ones joining all the time. Even if they don't see it, I feel a little better knowing I'm doing something productive to improve my chances. Have you got a second date arranged with your iron from last weekend? If I don't have any lined up, then at least I can live vicariously through this thread

@SpringlikeBunk I'm not sure it helps, but I'm feeling very lonely too - so we can sit down for a while on the lockdown loneliness bench (socially distanced of course). I find when I hit these ruts, it's really hard to get out of - sitting at home by myself, getting no responses from job applications or dating matches and not being able to see friends. It's all very bleak and depressing.

@VanGoghsDog thanks - I've just paused my Bumble account for 24 hours (baby steps!), so will see if that helps. Or more importantly, if I can resist un-snoozing it before tomorrow!

@SpringlikeBunk, I think lots of us could have written that post. The craving for a change of location, something to plan for or look forward to, engaging conversation and above all being able to 'do' rather than constantly 'think'.