Dating Thread 200 - Spring is in the Air, Ghosters Beware

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I have always worked from home so never known any difference.
I'm bored at work today. There isn't enough work to go around and the company has been taken over so doubt the contract will be renewed so I have 7 weeks to find a nee job or at least have one in the works.
I'm spending my day job hunting instead of working but do have a few check in calls.

As for dating it's taking a step back because if the work situation but I was meant to have a video date last Tuesday but he cancelled 2 hours before. Walking date on Saturday never happen. He never confirmed plans so I made other plans. On Sunday he tells me he spent from mid-day drinking. It's a no from me. Going to wait until mid-April or the beginning of may to get back on the rest of the apps as I'm only on hinge at the moment.

Thanks for all the comments on white/grey hair.
I'm very surprised I didn't go grey years ago what will all my husband troubles.
I think I'll pluck them out as they appear and then when there is too many to pluck I'll have another think.
In the mean time Mr K can feck off as he's got loads of grey and he's 3 years younger 🤣

@UtterSocks I hate working from home, I get side tracked easily unless I have form deadlines for stuff which luckily half my work is.

@Dancerinthemoonlight Hope you manage to find a new job soon, hopefully with more things opening up you'll be able to get a job in events again.

@Eesha Good luck with your job interview this week.

To all parents on here - I hope the children going to school today will ease the pressure on you and everything has gone smoothly.

@TheCatWithTheHat & @UtterSocks Yep, second date planned this week and smooth communication so far. A second date demands a name I guess, so I will refer to her as Miss Mooch.

I'm keeping fingers crossed but not too crossed as she was saying she was hugely popular on Bumble, which for me was code for 'don't get your hopes up sunshine, I've got options'. (I have options too, in that I have faith that there are perhaps one or two suitable women in the world that might also like me at some point in the future ).

She is fairly fresh out of a long relationship and not through all the division of assets crap and I guess emotionally likely to be wanting to see who's out there and find herself again. On the plus side we are close in age, politics, distance and lifestyle with kids around the same age and I'm happy to not rush things.

Yes, so glad the home schooling period is over with for a bit ! A definite last day of term feeling for parents last Friday. Home working is difficult at the best of times ...

I had grey hairs from my twenties (it's better to snip them shirt than pull them out btw) but only started dying it in my 50's, about two years ago, and even now I only have half head streaks so it's grey underneath but I never get grey root growth.

I'm more concerned about the thinning now though.

I didn't walk with NK, just walked on my own this weekend. Off to mum's later in the week so have to stay on my own up til then anyway. Be glad to get away, next door are doing rebuilding and the constant drilling, hammering, grinding, jack hammer, pneumatic drilling etc are getting really depressing, not to mention I can't work with it going on.

Feel your pain @VanGoghsDog, building works either side of me since start of second lockdown to compound the difficulties of home work/schooling

Ooo sounds good @HairyArsedMan fingers crossed!

@Dancerinthemoonlight good luck on the job search and @Eesha Good luck with your job interview!

@UtterSocks, @frankiefirstyear and @SortingItOut - that makes given you don't aim to blend families - is there anyone on here who would like or sort of wants a second chance at 'family life' - what's the advice then?

I have introduced my DDs to Mr V and he has been part of our bubble since last June. My DDs are 21 and 16 though so a somewhat different proposition to younger children potentially. They also lost their DF to illness so I am their only parent and there is no co parenting, second home, DF new partner etc to manoeuvre. I very much want a new permanent RS and would love eventually to live with someone again. Finances and assets would have to be protected obviously. My circumstances are somewhat different to many on the thread though who have clearly had a very difficult split and continue to deal with the fallout. We are all a product of our experiences and circumstances so coming at dating from different angles. There is never one size fits all in these scenarios.

Though the logistics will be difficult, a blended family is the aim with this one. Certainly not with every iron but with Mr M, yes. That's what makes me so wracked with nerves I think. It also does seem like it's a whirlwind, but at the same time feels right. He has said he doesn't want to refer to me as a friend and wants to tell the kids about me and the children's mother. Again I am nervous but only because I hope they like me and hope we can all get along (including the ex) I don't want to upset anything for anyone. My ex poses the most difficulty though and still unsure how to move forward with that minefield 🤦‍♀️

@LongtimelurkerL The advice about not meeting children too early is also relevant to those who want a 2nd chance at family life.
I think you should get to know your boyfriend/partner really well before you think about meeting children.
Peoples personalities, values, morals, expectations, financial situation come out in the first 6 months - 1 year so I'd want to know we are compatible on all that before I even considered if it was for the long term and meeting any children.

Even if you meet the other persons children I'm not convinced on both sets of children meeting too early on either.

I also think giving your children security and a happy home is more important than living with someone.

Mr K has a son at primary school who has all the energy of a boy of that age, he's like a whirlwind.
My kids are grown up and I don't want to be step mum to a young child and luckily Mr K agrees.
His son was heartbroken when Mr K split from an ex girlfriend because she had children the same age and they were all one big family (albeit they didnt officially live together) so he felt he'd lost his sisters.

I have met Mr K's son a few times but only as a friend and only because they came to see my animals.

@LongtimelurkerL it's true, I don't want to blend families. I am very ambivalent about Mr G because his ex the parasite sounds a nightmare and his kids are younger than mine and seem quite shy 'homebird' sorts, whereas my ex is vile, yes, but I am rid of him and my kids are very independent - DS has already left home to all intents and purposes and DD is only a year behind. I don't want to take on someone else's family now I finally have some freedom - but I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone either. Mr G would spend all his time with me and move in tomorrow if he could and sometimes I love that he is so open and affectionate and sometimes it terrifies me. I don't know what I want... (but I know I don't want his family, or to live in the UK forever)

@UtterSocks I don't think it is ridiculous about you still thinking about Mr Beard. Some people really get under our skin. I think about Miss C every day - even over a year on. Not in a sitting here crying into my breakfast kind of way, but she flits across my thoughts occasionally, and I do miss her sometimes. Miss H does too, and occasionally I get a strong pang of missing both.

I've had a rather depressing weekend of swiping - I spent hours and hours (and a few quid on buying boosts) swiping and liking on Bumble, Hinge and Tinder. I had 1 match on Tinder (who I'd already matched with months ago on Hinge), 1 match on Bumble who hasn't been in touch, and 1 message back on Hinge. I honestly don't know what else I can do!

Either no one is using the apps at the moment, or I'm going to have to apply to appear on the Undateables TV show!

@UtterSocks I hope you'll take this with the spirit its intended but calling Mr G's ex a parasite because she doesnt work is offensive.

I know his situation is very triggering for you and it will stop a relationship progressing for you but we only have Mr G's word on what his ex is like.
We don't know what was agreed by them both when they met but presumably it was that she would be a SAHM.
Them splitting up obviously changes things but presumably she still needs financial support from him because its hard to get a job, if she can as she is poorly and has had an op, or claim benefits while they live together (not impossible but quite tough)

Personally for me men who slate their ex's are not that nice and I'd run a mile.
No matter what happened between 2 people and who got the worse deal there is no need to talk negatively to potential new partners about ex's.

Oft! I'm in Scotland so I am still homeschooling this week. Today, tomorrow and Friday (she's at her days Wednesday and Thursday).
Roll on Monday!!!

I've not heard from Mr HT since yesterday morning. I messaged late Saturday night and he responded yesterday morning but it didn't need a response. I looked back at our messages from January and we just freely chatted, both initiating. The last couple of weeks there's not been much messaging and I'm not sure what to do. So I'm just sitting here, knowing I like him, but not chasing him. I want to speak to him, but I want to do it naturally in person. The old adage goes, if he wants to talk to me, he will.

It actually feels like we are two terrified people who the more we like each other the more we keep our distance.

Please tell me what to do.

Anyone else struggle with inconsistency with texting/messaging? I don't know why it triggers some kind of anxiety for me. Having some days where conversation flows easily with MrKeen, and then other days (like today) there's been a few very basic boring texts exchanged, he ends up putting a laughing emoji and bam conversation over. I struggle to know if it's fizzling out or whether some days he's just more talkative than others. Think maybe being ghosted before has made me question when he goes quiet! God I'm pathetic lol

@cravingthelook I'd message him! He might be waiting for you to initiate, and if you're both waiting for the other then that's not gonna get you very far x

@cravingthelook I've found myself in that situation before now. Not terrified per se but left wondering what changed. You can but ask as perhaps the least terrified of the two of you. However I know when I did it caused a definite reaction of further distancing, so maybe steel yourself for it having a polarising effect if you do.

@havecourage8bekind Could just be a sign of the times ? All my friends are up and down with how conversational they are outside of our regularly scheduled video calls. Sometimes not a lot is happening, so we save stuff for those calls.

@havecourage8bekind I'm the same, and I don't think it's unusual. If messaging frequency changes then I do get anxious. In my experience it has always been the first sign that the other person has lost interest, which then results in them ending it. However these days most people are struggling a bit with feeling up and down at times, so it may just be that he's not in a chatty mood.

@havecourage8bekind

I just sent a light check in type message. He replied within a minute so perhaps you were right. I just replied and as I'm typing this something came in.

I think both our messaging is feeling guarded. But that's not going to change until we decide if we are taking this anywhere. We are over the 2 month mark now.

@hairyarsedman @thecatwiththehat thank you for replies! Last week we spoke ALOT and he mentioned his productivety at work had fallen massively, so maybe the amount he was messaging just wasn't sustainable? Just have to wait it out I suppose & see what happens.

@cravingthelook Have you spoken about where it's going?

Somehow have gone from no chats to 4, feeling like this whole thing is a bit like waiting for a bus?

Very interesting reading about blended family discussion, I can't select to filter people who have kids (without paying) so pretty everyone I've spoken to or even come across on Hinge hasn't had children but it is very clear on my profile I do. They don't seem particularly bothered, I would have rather find someone who has kids just so they get it but I am only 30 so it doesn't seem to be the norm for people my age.

Fair enough all - it's good to know i'm not just mad @frankiefirstyear and it still a thing people aim to do! I'm the only one with one son, he has none and we are mid thirties - not sure if that makes a difference? Ah that makes sense @Onesmallstep67 and @UtterSocks!
Of course, @SortingItOut I wasn't planning it pre 6 months and after a proper conversation it was just I wanted some advice on it and everyone seemed to be anti any mixing so I felt a bit weird!

Re the texting this - we seem to have moved into less texting (still everyday but less chatty somehow) into regular loooooong phonecalls - maybe you could suggest that @cravingthelook and @havecourage8bekind?

@havecourage8bekind we spoke about it back in January.
He said back then, he just wanted casual, that he defo doesn't want a relationship. He would be my friend and would be ok with not having sex with me if it was to muddy the waters too much. (He's said this twice).
I was ok with that because, I don't believe in romantic love, I don't want a traditional relationship. I don't think I want monogamy.

A few weeks ago I told him if he wants sex and I want sex why overthink it. I've stayed at his once and him at mine once since then. Both late night non planned spontaneous decisions after flirty chat. Yet both very affectionate and loving, waking holding hands etc. Smiles all the next day stuff.

However, I want to have pre-planned dates so it doesn't feel like just hook ups.
I like him, I don't feel the same as I did in January, I need to tell him, I'm only going to do that in person though. I also have to be prepared for him to walk, he was adamant he didn't want a relationship.

My pal likens it to taming a wild animal 😁
I'm joking, if he doesn't want to just be us and see how it goes - he doesn't and I have to accept it.
But 2 months is early days, so I guess we can just see what happens.

We've text back and forth since I messaged - about work and exercise. He said I sparkle (within a context), I've just replied maybe he brings out my sparkle. I smile when I talk to him.

@LongtimelurkerL we've sometimes had phone calls. It's hard when his 18 year old is there because it's not like he can chat openly.

I will post rules 3, 7 and 12 to my fridge and read them every time I make a brew.