Dating Thread 200 - Spring is in the Air, Ghosters Beware

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Yes, the reason all these chats just enter cryogenic suspension is that someone else becomes the preferred chat (or more) buddy.

I've felt that happen with MissT from the autumn - slow fade which started with several last minute cancellations (beware @frankiefirstyear) and now no friendly chat, nothing shared, no conversation and no contact. I've not wriggled on the hook - just accepted it for what it is - a loss of interest.

@LuckyLinda3 What sort of ex- is this ? Sounds like hot/cold sort of stuff that might drive you mad in the end.

Hi @HairyArsedMan. Yes, quite possibly. We met online in October, messaged every day and met every week or so to walk, drive or have lunch at his. My kids are home full time and I told him day one I'd only introduce someone I'm serious about. Hes an agency care worker and covers a lot of shifts they cant fill. I met his son and he asked me down over Christmas to meet his other sons who work away. He also bought me perfume. That said I explained early on I'd like to see him every week and I noticed that he would often change plans we had made as he took on extra shifts. It became more and more difficult to plan things because of this and around valentines I called it a day. He asked for a break or to wait until lockdown restrictions were further eased but I wasnt keen. He stayed in contact, just jokey stuff to begin with but has ramped up the messaging since Saturday, asking to meet again. We are both back on the apps too. I do like him but it's hard to know. I dint think I'm up for just fwb either despite the fantastic chemistry.

@LuckyLinda3 it sounds like the ball is in your court. He is obviously keen on you and has done nothing wrong, just has a busy job. It’s just up to you to decide whether you can work around that. I find practical difficulties easier to deal with than unresolved emotional baggage. But you are in a good position to decide what your boundaries are.

@Onesmallstep67 I apply the same “who do I want it to be” test when multi dating. It’s not always the rational option with me either 😳

In the case of multi dating to minimise the need for commitment - it’s exactly what I do. I can’t bear any sort of vulnerability at the moment. I’m Brene Brown’s nightmare!

Aw thanks @UtterSocks. I always value perspective. I realise it may be about passing time in lockdown or sex even but then I think maybe not either. How to proceed is the question.....

Any advice on how to break the news to an abusive ex that you've moved on? Have to stay in touch with him because of the children but I'm dreading it sparking a court case or more frightening abuse. He flips from acting as though we're in a relationship to acting as though he's never detested anyone as much as me but any excuse to throw a wobbler and he's right among it. I have tried sending a message to him detailing 'rules' for contact and said I don't want anything more to do with him than deal with child contact but it seems to be largely ignored until it can be regurgitated and used against me for offering him 'no support'.

@frankiefirstyear my abusive ex is much the same. We are on email only contact and iv told him time and time again I will only talk about th children but he ignores that and spouts so much crap daily! I don't think you need to tell him you've moved on, I'd just keep everything to a minimum. He doesn't need to know anything about your private life - something I've found really hard to get my head around considering he used to know my every move!

What's the longest you guys have left meeting an iron? Me and MrKeen are dying to meet up but there's a big distance between us so it seems crazy to do a three hour drive for a walk in a park! But unsure whether we can wait til May to meet? That would be three months of texting which is a really long time isn't it. Three hours drive is also such a distance - why are the ones I seem to connect with miles away?? then anyone local I just don't click with. Annoying!

Thanks for sharing your experience @havecourage8bekind it's absolutely awful isn't it!

I was texting Mr M for around 7 months or maybe longer 🤔 before our first date (but we knew each of other through work previously but minimal contact there - twice a year) but it felt hellish long and fluctuated wildly in that time

@havecourage8bekind

I agree it’s tough. I’m a very strong advocate of meet sooner rather than later but obviously now it’s really weird!

MrPM is neighbouring city so 1-2 hours journey by car (longer for me on public transport).

I’d say given everything (work and distance and lockdown) I’d personally be aiming to meet after end of this month, I’d hope for April

May would feel a bit too long? Time to sort out my skin and glam up a bit after putting brain over body all winter

I think MrPM mentioned April as well for “planning to do more social stuff”

The stay at home order lifts then, not sure about hospitality but with warmer weather outside walks will be nice.

Ps This may all be irrelevant if I’m 👻

@SpringlikeBunk outside hospitality (pub gardens etc) will be allowed from 12th April along with shops, hairdressers etc

That’s great thanks @Dancerinthemoonlight

We’re having another cold snap where I am so outdoor walks don’t seem very palatable for the near future

MrPM seems quite formal and correct with limited social time, so if we do meet maybe he’ll want a more proper set-up. No doing shots on a park bench!

He was quite keen on using the phrase “planning” and “meticulous preparation” 😂

Definitely needs a bit of random womanly passion 🙋🏽‍♀️

@springlikebunk yeah we did say hopefully it would be April and maybe we could go for an outdoor meal somewhere but anything inside would have to be May! Even next month seems so far away...promise I'm not already planning our wedding but this one seems quite decent! Watch me get ghosted now I've said that, I did before

Hi everyone, hope you don't mind me joining and asking a few questions. Very new to OLD after a 10 year relationship/marriage. What apps do people recommend? I downloaded Hinge nearly 2 weeks ago and have only had a substantial conversation with 1 person so far. I've matched with quite a few, maybe 15-20 but they just don't message, is this normal? Do I need to matching with way more for a chance of actually finding someone. Just finding it a bit confusing. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Online dating is a numbers game. You might swipe 100 people, match with 10 and actually talk to 1 of them. Conversations often fizzle out or one person will stop replying out of the blue.

Hi hope it’s ok if I join you? I’ve been OLD for about a month after my LTR relationship ended last year. Been chatting to a guy on Bumble tonight, going to call him Mr Glasses. All gone well, we matched on another site as well which seems to bode well! Looking forward to seeing if anything comes of it....

Welcome to the newcomers @Nutellaplease and @Understartersorders😊 this thread and the folk on it will keep you sane while you navigate the shark infested waters of OLD 😂

@LuckyLinda3 Sounds like he’s actually made an effort there actually, included you in his life, compromised and tried to hold on to the relationship in spite of the logistical challenge. I guess you’d consider a retry if he had more time for you ?

Well what a surprise tonight - I came across a profile and thought - wow what an attractive woman - ciicked the tick, and in 5 minutes the match was returned, a lighthearted exchange was had, and (dare I say it?) I shall probably be buying someone a takeaway coffee this weekend. It’s not normally so straightforward ...

Fantastic news @HairyArsedMan. Hope it goes well for you both. I think possibly your earlier post may have been right, the hot/cold one. He was messaging earlier and I casually mentioned where we were at, no more, just a casual comment and he just fluffed it off. Hes been online lots too, as have I to be fair. He also said he'd try to call tonight and didnt..square one possibly. I want more than sex so I dont want to be stupid here.

Welcome @Nutellaplease and @Understartersorders

Ooh @HairyArsedMan sounds promising! Excited for you. You should get everyone on the thread to write reviews about what a jolly good sort you are! Hope it goes well 🤞

I’m going to spend the weekend with Mr G again. I am deeply in denial about the fact that we now spend every weekend together and speak most days like an actual couple. Keep reality checking myself about his ridiculous situation with his horrible ex! He is being an ostrich about it and it is up to me to be clear sighted (and avoidant and cynical)

Enjoy weekend dates everyone out there

Nutella hi 👋

All these sites are much of a muchness really, I paid for match but no better results.

I think tinder is as good as any numbers wise, I find pof tends to attract the dregs of society.

Yeah, I found with PoF that it mostly seemed to be full of those offering paid 'services' - whether selling photos or more. Not a site I'd recommend if you want something serious.

Enjoy @HairyArsedMan and good luck to everyone dating this weekend

Can't see much difference with sites tbh - I went on which interface I liked most in the end

I'm meant to have a walking date tomorrow but he hasn't arranged a time or a place so I can't see that happening. I'm not chasing for a time and a place, if he wants to see me he can arrange.
I was also meant to have a video date on Tuesday that was cancelled with 2 hours notice. He asked for a rain check until the end of the month. Ball is in his court to rearrange.

Waiting until may/just before my birthday to go back properly on all the apps. Focusing on my work situation at the moment and finding a permanent position