Dating Thread 200 - Spring is in the Air, Ghosters Beware

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@SpringlikeBunk I am speechless at the examples of male profiles in your area. Shag you and Shag Me? FFS! He has the sense of humour of a year 6 child! I actually think I’d have had to send an abusive message telling him never to darken the apps again ... it’s making the distinctly average “just ask” men in my district look like princes ....

@ThisTooShallBeFantastic you and Mr GN have been together a good while now haven’t you? It’s hard when your expectations of what a relationship can provide misalign. I wish you all the best with your decision. We are here if you need somewhere to think out loud xxx

@SpringlikeBunk those screenshots are crazy!

Feeling the gloom tonight after a last second date cancellation due to him being tired. I've not let on to how much effort a simple date of basically Netflix and chill is for me (what with getting myself and the house ready and early bedtime for the kids!). I'd psyched myself up for a pretty heavy chat about some personal issues, so maybe a blessing really, but still wallowing here 😩

@ThisTooShallBeFantastic sorry to hear you're having a bit of a wobble,hope you manage to come to a conclusion. Sometimes the endless thinking about it and the uncertainty that goes with it is worse.
Rubbish news too @frankiefirstyear hope he gave you enough notice?! Wallow here,I think there's a few of us at it.
No words for those screen grabs @SpringlikeBunk makes me dread going back to the apps!

No warning at all. Was expecting the 'on my way' text and got 'I'm too tired' text instead 😭

Oh @frankiefirstyear that’s rubbish - I thought your iron had been around for a while?

Weird profiles guys - but not surprising - very standard - follow some excellent people like tinder translator on Instagram - makes you feel much less alone

Oh my goodness those screen shots!!!

Frankie... I hope your gloom lifts

So, an update from me.

Today o had a long chat with Mr Swan and my gay guy friend. They gave me different view points but - I knew inside what was to be done.

Mr HT and I have been chatting more, just lighthearted stuff. He ended up coming over last night. He jokingly asked for a photo of my bare legs (our last meet up was after I sent one) apparently it's his weak sit.
Lots of intimacy, sex most of the night, woke up holding hands. I had to go into work today so left mine at the same time super early.
I've not asked him where we are. I'm going with the flow for now. I messaged when got to work and he did say he'd have a smile on all day.

Interestingly he got flirtier and therefore ended up coming over AFTER I confirmed my deleting of fab and a step back from the apps and that he was the last person I was with. He said I was his only too. My guy friend said perhaps he just wanted to know that he didn't have competition? Who knows There's no point analysing his motives.

Instead I'm focusing on mine. My guy friend called me out (I'm glad he did) I'm taking notice of my inner voice. I'm in process of deleting the apps, I've sent out messages to the chats/irons telling them I'm taking a break. I've got one more to do. Then I need to talk to Mr SAS in person tomorrow (I knew I needed to listen to my gut when I started trying to think of an excuse not to go to his tomorrow).

I feel something for Mr HT. the other chats were a distraction or a safety net in case he didn't want me. That's not fair to them. So I'm going to acknowledge my feelings, be available, enjoy the time we have together and just see how it goes, no pressure, no labels.
If he doesn't want me -that will hurt even if there is other chats on the go. If I want him to give me a chance I have to be willing to give him a chance.

That said I need to just chill, so I will focus on work, journal my thoughts and feelings, do some home tasks.

He has his daughter from tonight until Monday.

My barrier is halfway down, enough to kindle an ember but with some protection.

Texting a few months but only dating a few weeks and it's quite rare, marrying up his child free nights with my children's early bedtimes.

@frankiefirstyear that would make me fume

Lol those screenshots aren’t even the worst, plenty more lovely bachelors if anyone wants one 😂!

To be fair theres also a benefit of being in a big city with lots of satellite areas with a good turnover of men - I’ve never really felt there’s a guy shortage and if I complete tinder it refreshes soon enough.

So more weirdos but also more new faces popping up regularly

MrPM just messaged very nicely and thoughtfully referring to something I’d mentioned before.

Going to play it cool of course

(who wants to be the maid of honour? 🤓👌🤞)

@frankiefirstyear

Agree I’d be furious.

Even if it’s great when we meet up people who are flaky give me bad anxiety when I’m trying to organise so I just can’t sustain it

Hi everyone, I have not posted much but followed this thread.
I have really struggled to connect on the apps.

I really liked one lady who I met several times a while back, for coffees and then for a meal in a restaurant and finally I cooked a meal at mine.
After we had a snog and a fumble, but stopped short of DTD. She messaged me the next day and said she was a bit shocked and surprised as she thought we were just friends and had decided to try and make a go of things with someone else she'd been seeing.
I was a bit gutted, but left it.

She didn't un match me on the app and a couple of months later, I messaged her just to say Happy New Year. We then messaged a little bit to and fro, apparently the last relationship hadn't worked out.
We met up again a few weeks ago for a walk but she then friend zoned me again and said that she wasn't feeling any romantic attraction.
I was still really keen on her, but said that I understood.

I then archived the chat and left it, but she has messaged me again saying she would like to be "friends".
This is messing with my head now!
I haven't met anyone on the apps who comes close to the attraction I feel for her, but if she doesn't feel anything for me why message me again?
Confused again!

She maybe just wants to be friends, as she has said.

If you don't want to, or can't given that you have feelings for her, tell her thanks but no thanks and good luck.

@2021Hasgottabebetter

Sorry to hear that - I’d take what she says at face value.

She isn’t attracted to you so unless you want to be “just friends” and can do that happily and without any expectation (some people can’t manage that but if you’re used to having lots of platonic female friends maybe you can?) let it tail off and meet others.

I think being half way with her is worst case scenario as you think you’ve got a chance but if you don’t then you’re just emotionally stuck?

If you can’t go for coffee or a walk with her without wanting something more I’d back off - if she just wants coffee and a walk and emotional support and chat (all she’s offering really) you’ll just get frustrated

Replied back to MrPM
But no response - I think he’s maybe just gone to sleep or is still working (or something I said was controversial and he now hates me haha).

It’s so hard working out peoples communication styles - the mystery is on!

@SpringlikeBunk you seem keen to pursue further study.... can you not scientifically research the woes of WhatsApp and find an algorithm that makes sense?😂
For the good of the thread 🙌🏻

Those profiles are cringe-worthy! Who in their right mind would think that "shag me/shag you" is a good idea?!

Although it does make me feel more confident about mine standing out for the right reasons - not that it seems to be making much difference :( I've had a few matches on the various apps, but conversation is flowing about as well as a lump of coal.

@SpringlikeBunk probably not, maybe he was just a bit distracted or tired? I wouldn't read too much into that unless the feel of the messages changes - e.g., if he always put a kiss before, and now doesn't then that might mean something - but it's easy to read stuff into things where there's nothing untoward. Some guys (like myself) just aren't always xxx people.

But just something I've learnt myself - if I start analysing what I said/what they said/number of kisses etc... then maybe something isn't quite right.

@frankiefirstyear sorry to hear he cancelled at the last minute. I'd be annoyed and disappointed too. That's very inconsiderate of him, and being tired is a lame excuse IMO.

@Mayzee and @TheCatWithTheHat

I think he responded LITERALLY to my message before which was “give me a shout when you’re a bit more chilled out” but didn’t see it as the start of a “chat”?

he’s from a culture which has a reputation for valuing people being fairly punctual/reliable etc so I think he just did what I said

Poor guy - wfh and too much alone time is turning his lovely potential date into a creepy oddball mentalist analysing his every move 😂

MrC and MrMilitary first messaged me when they were on leave so just in the middle of big chunks of time off - so I did feel I got “pursued” a fair bit. But I know it’s not always the case

There definitely is a difference in the current dating psychology of us who are sitting home alone with access to the internet and those who have more of a normal routine!( in his case probably busier than normal)

I’ve actually planned the first meet venue as his city is quite a good place to see art etc, was the last city I visited before the last lockdown.

so when lockdown lifts a bit I can do a staycation there (do my own thing) and catch up with him then.

Thanks for the Male view @TheCatWithTheHat

I have a theory with the nature of apps, often people have a person they’re “most interested in” and others are kind of time filler.

It’s less hard work if you’re the person the other person is most interested in? And if you’re trying to maintain contact when the other person has someone else they want it’s just pointless

So I was trying to work out if I’d gone from person he was most interested in initially to “someone he was keeping in touch with/politely responding to whilst pursuing someone else” . But maybe he is just genuinely busy. Either way I’ll try to stay loosely in touch

(Just reading that makes it clear what a horrible cynical game dating can be 😬)

@Mayzee

I’m happily doing some prep work with complicated equations here - but the minds of men are a challenge too hard for me to intellectually face! 🙈

You've hit the nail on the head there with dating in general, but especially OLD I'd say!

@SpringlikeBunk I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there. OLD definitely fosters that pick n mix mentality

@frankiefirstyear boo to the last minute cancellation. That is one thing that actually drives me insane! I block and delete people who do that without even responding- their lack of respect for my time is infuriating

@SpringlikeBunk

That's exactly it!!! Except I am guilty too.

All profiles and apps except OKC now deleted. That one is on its way out too.

We've said a lighthearted gif good morning. Now to do some work and not worry about things.

I think that is the proverbial nail (have I got that right?) @SpringlikeBunk. But isn’t this the inevitable reality of “multi”-dating / multiple chats.

I wouldn’t worry too much about x’s. It’s quite hard to calibrate these and I find I vary a fair amount and think I’m x’ing too much. Outside OLD I have friends who x all the time and then others who don’t at all.

Morning all. Another day in lockdown paradise, living the dream! So, my ex has been messaging every day since Saturday, casually suggesting a walk, a drive. Last night I had to go to the shop late and he messaged just as he got out of work so when he realised i was in town he asked if we could meet. I have to admit I agreed and we met and talked in the car..but only for a few minutes. Then he kissed me and that was the end to any real conversation as we just sat kissing in the car. We have such amazing chemistry and we both know it. I didnt really want to do any serious talking last nite but I'm fairly sure I'm not up for fwb either. I left with no conversation about seeing each other again but a while after I got home he texted to say it was lovely to see me again and he needed that. I'm more chilled about this now but would welcome opinions especially from the male posters. Have a nice day all.

My test when I was OLD was always when my phone pinged who did I want it to be? I would usually have a favourite/no1 interest and would want the message to be from them. And to a certain degree now I am still the same, particularly if I am waiting on hearing from Mr V. I have been trying to work out where my anxiety comes from. I have been ghosted a couple times, including somewhat by Mr V in the early days. His general demeanour is far more laid back than my last partner and at times it doesn't help my anxiety levels. I am pretty sure we are past the point of ghosting, it wouldn't be possible now because if he disappeared I would be going to find out where he was or what had happened. And I mostly know that someone's feelings for you don't disappear in a puff of smoke. So there's no logical reason for everything to be okay one day and not the next. So mostly my anxiety kicks in now if he's out of routine with when he calls. He drives for a living but his own car has been playing up recently. He has also been feeling a bit under the weather. So my anxiety now is about his health and safety. Having lost my DH to illness and subsequently both parents it's finding a way to manage the fear that something may happen to someone else I care about.
I have also been thinking about the issue of whether one person can ever offer you everything that you need. I have done the multi dating and FWB thing. I may well return to it if things with Mr V come to an end. But for me it has always been the case that I wanted monogamy and the real deal with someone. So anything else was always a way of enjoying my time whilst searching for something/ someone who I truly connected with. This is different for everyone. I am not sure I can articulate what I want to say without it sounding a bit judgey but do you think by offering - and being able to find- the whole gamut of sex/ friendship / casual/ hook ups we are actually minimising the potential or need for exclusive commitment?