Interesting re: the exclusive vs hookup chat. I don't see the point in having it straight away because in my experience people lie. Mr Beard lied on his profile and on our first dates that he was "looking for a relationship with one person". He was actually looking for a secret side hustle with one person which was never destined to progress, as his past behaviour and family situation meant he was not ready to date out in the open. When I actually had this chat with him I was already over-invested and devastated by his response so I vowed never to have it again but to walk away unilaterally when it 'felt' wrong. Yes, I know, I have become ridiculously defensive! But also when I asked why he wasn't honest at the start he said, 'because I really liked your company and thought you were sexy and knew you would walk away if I was honest'. So, you know, kudos at least for being transparent then and it taught me a lot about first dates motivation!
Mr L was admirably honest from the get-go and more than 6 months in we still just meet once a week as FWB and I have never even bothered to ask his surname. And his is the most stress free, functional, no fuss relationship I have ever had! (a few wobbles at first when I began to get attached but because he never future faked me I talked myself out of it surprisingly fast).
@Heartbeats0708, yes you are probably right, Mr G would be devastated if he knew I still saw Mr L and in fact I have cancelled my last 2 weeks with Mr L because it is starting to make me feel guilty. But actually the more I feel for Mr G, the more I need a back up because I am starting to fall a little bit in love with him (damn his unfailing kindness, sense of humour, great cooking and the amazing sex), but there is no way his ex will ever stand on her own two feet. Parasitism seems to be her entire lifestyle and she isn't going to go and do anything as reckless as earn a living or gain some self respect when she can leech off him and ruin his prospects for the rest of her life. He is in utter denial about this. I'm thinking when lockdown begins to unwind she will be back, the kids will be at his all the time, and our lovely weekends - which are basically spent in a bubble of food, wine, sex and music at his house - will grind to a halt. It might not survive the cold light of day. He keeps talking about things we will do in the future, but ... it feels like make believe to me.
Sorry to everyone who is having a hard time meeting someone decent. A quick look on the apps the other week (to reassure myself that there are options out there as part of my ongoing avoidance issue with Mr G) revealed quite a few promising ones in my area. It seems after a break the apps throw nice ones at you again when you release the pause button, then go back to tossing over the potato heads and illiterates when they think you are getting settled 😂. I don't have time for anyone at the moment so put them back on hold, but it is reassuring to know there are still a few contenders around, so maybe swapping to other apps might yield some more appealing matches? I did have a few weeks last year where everyone the apps showed me looked like someone from a before poster for cosmetic dentistry/hair replacement/diet programmes/gym membership. With a smattering of contenders for Tattoo Fixers mixed in! It ebbs and flows!
@ThisTooShallBeFantastic where did you get to with your dilemma with MrGN and your whole "full on relationship vs picking bits of other people to fill in the gaps" ? I understand perfectly what you are saying. I like the idea of a pick and mix approach. Is it fair to expect one person to fulfil you? Or is that even the idea? Aren't we responsible for our own happiness at the end of the day, in which case maybe a relationship is;t the be-all and end-all?
I do know that, almost 5 months in, when I get a message from Mr G it makes me feel less alone, after 21 years of a lonely, hideous, abusive marriage and 18 months of fairly haphazard online dating. But I also know it is built on sand and at the same time as making me feel secure, it makes me feel horribly uneasy and like running a mile. No idea where this will go at the moment...