Dating Thread 200 - Spring is in the Air, Ghosters Beware

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@UtterSocks lots of your post made lots of sense to me. I'm a torturous mixture of anxious and defensive. Working on it but struggling to make sense of my own head so wishing my counsellor lots of luck with me, if I ever get another appointment.
I know what you mean about ignoring the negatives of his situation and concentrating on your time together and how he treats you. There's a lot to be said about enjoying the moment, now especially. It sounds like he'd be pretty gutted if he knew about MrL though? Not advocating you tell him but I think it'd be fair to put things on pause with MrL while you see how it pans out with MrG. Who knows, it could change very quickly with his ex if by some miracle she stood on her own two feet..

Not sure if I’ve been ghosted by my (chat iron only so far) MrPM. The fatal flaw is revealed!

Got a random message from MrMilitary - it’s odd as he comes across as quite moronic /laddish/slaggy really so often contact is like 😬

but actually as soon as I mentioned moving for a scholarship he was cheerfully calculating and saying he was definitely up for driving the distance.

Whereas MrC wasn’t that impressed with the idea of LDR though his contact has tended to be a bit more formal?(and I’d say it’s slightly easier for him as he has big chunks of time off and more pay)

Oh MrPM is just exhausted so I’ve told him to go to sleep and contact me when he’s more chilled out though he did take the time to congratulate me on something.

My whole life has driven me towards being Mrs Unavailable emotionally to everyone except my DDs, and certainly when I was on OLD I was concentrating on variety, fun and self-protection. I feel I have got this out of my system and I'm at a crossroads now at the age of 58: do I embrace the warmth yet messiness and uncertainty and limitations of a full relationship with Mr GN (short of marriage, that's an unchanging line in the sand for me) or do I pick bits of other people to fill up the gaps in my self-containment: for sex, laughter, DIY help, emotional support, intellectual debate, travelling companionship? We don't need just one person to grow old with, do we, if we are social pack animals?

Hmmm I’m not sure if this is my ASD or childhood trauma speaking

but I think if one is looking at relationships as a “social contract” the monogamous heterosexual couple thing isn’t necessarily automatically the best format for happiness?

Especially if one is coming from the position of having children/wanting to protect lifestyles/finances etc.

I think if you’ve grown and developed and have a lot of shared history then fair enough.

But having to adjust lifestyles and goals and private space post-divorce to meet another is HARD.

I guess it’s just negotiating that sweet spot with the other party really where neither of you feels compromised!

The mental load is real and although I don’t want fuck buddies for the rest of my life equally I don’t want to have to take on extra mental load.

Oh just had a very mature chat on bumble

Guy exchanged few messages.

Mentioned very soon in he was just out of two long term relationships so just looking for something casual

I replied and said I’d like something with the potential to be more emotionally serious

but wished him well as he looked and sounded great

He replied saying thank you and same for me and enjoy dating.

That’s how it should be done!

@cravingthelook that's so true!

Just as well my cats like me, as no one else seems to I've just heard back from Miss Stole, and on reflection she thinks there's no spark.

I'm feeling really rather down about it if I'm honest. I do wonder if it's something about me, or just bad luck. I think I'm a good catch, but it seems that I'm the only person who thinks so.

I also met Miss Lech yesterday for yet another walk in a park, and again - no spark.

It's taken over a year to find someone that I felt butterflies about, and I just don't know I've got the energy to carry on with another year or however long it takes. The constant rejection, and dashing of hopes is really wearing me down.

I also can't help feel sad reading about how many people here have barriers up. I can understand it, but it does make me wonder whether I'll ever meet someone who is open to being loved by me, and loving me back. Most people by this stage in their lives have come out of long term relationships or marriages, and inevitably have the scars to show for that. It all seems rather hopeless to me right now.

@TheCatWithTheHat Don’t be disheartened, as someone said to me it only takes one person to be your match.
Mind you 3yrs of dating and that’s not exactly worked out for me ...

Oh I know @TheCatWithTheHat

I'm so broken by life - but goddamnit I do therapy and go out there and I be vulnerable and try. I get barriers - so I put mine back up. Mr HT ... he's on the periphery not in, not out.
I'm kind of trying to get back out there. If he ever sorts himself it could be too late. His loss.

But I do get you. It's exhausting.

Hello - follow the threads religiously but not really had anything to post about before now, I need your words of wisdom please!

Talking to a guy online since beginning Dec. Been for about a dozen walks, lots in common and it feels like we have a very similar outlook on life. Texting style matches so nothing there, but there is absolutely no flirting at all.

I try to drop a few compliments but get absolutely nothing back. Nothing vaguely physical on the walks either. He works in a Care Home so I get the risks, just a little meh at the lack of anything even a little romantic. Don't want to throw anything away because I do like him and he really seems to suit my life right now, but am I wasting my time? Why be on Tinder if you don't want anything apart from a nice walk?

@thegreenestbear if you've been on a dozen walks why can't you just ask him? Perhaps he just wants friendship. Perhaps not. You won't know unless you ask.

Maybe we need to rename Tinder "Wander"!

Ooh terse doctor who I stopped messaging as he was too terse in chat asked if I was ok

No flirting etc just very terse mini messages like your gp when they doing a short consultation

Maybe he’s a gem - I have been paying attention and realising I do have a vulnerability to love bombers as I want guys to be full on early on

@thegreenestbear could it be a similar situation to @LongtimelurkerL in a slow burn kinda way? I can't remember exactly how she changed things to the next level but sure she will have some words of wisdom on this!
Sorry @TheCatWithTheHat that's shite. I imagine there will be some out there that have barriers firmly up with no interest in dropping them, but surely the majority will be more like @cravingthelook that have those scars yet are willing to let the right person in, it's just a case of finding the right fit. I think I'd be more likely to drop my guard a bit with the right person. I just haven't found them yet. Hugs x

@thegreenestbear yeah - walking only and no touching from Nov to Jan - I asked him to mine and kissed him - seemed he was shy/kissing in a park in front of loads of people. Seems to be going well so far (now I’ve said that it’ll obv all go tits up)

Terse dr dropped into convo he was a general surgeon

then seem to be manipulating the conversation a bit towards a hookup so I’ve blocked him pronto.

Just call me SmoothFingersBunk 😂👍🏽

@thegreenestbear I'm very shy about public affection. Sure my iron was a bit surprised that I wanted to be intimate when I hadn't even touched him on any outdoor dates. Besides, COVID would make me avoid touching anyone right now.

placemarking again!

I just want to make it clear that I want to be loved and to love someone but to me love is just a word, my husband told me he loved me all the time but still had numerous emotional affairs and treated me badly so I'm rather cynical about anyone declaring their love for me.

I'd rather see actions than words, luckily Mr K is good at showing me with his actions that he likes me a lot and he talks about the future a lot so I'm hopeful he's here to stay.
If he told me he loved me I'd take it with a pinch of salt which is sad really.

@Eesha How are you getting on?

thecatwiththehat I could have written your post from last night. I've been doing this for 2 years now. In that time only had full on butterflies (the kind you can't even eat because of) once. The longest I've seen anyone is 7 weeks (he ghosted me) and rarely make it to a second date. Friends tell me I'm a catch but I'm definitely at the point now where I seriously doubt that. Having said that I also very rarely swipe right on anyone anymore either 🤦‍♀️ I think deep down i don't really think anything will ever come of old and treat it as more of a way to keep out there

Yeah unlucky @TheCatWithTheHat it goes both ways of course - with you also having to hand out rejection and disappointment. None of it is easy for either party, but maybe look at it as having had an enjoyable time with someone that reminded you that you can still find those feelings. I think I'm way past butterflies and nerves. It's all analysis these days.

On barriers and pasts ... just when do we go there on dates ? The general consensus seems to be not to mention ex's and past issues but I wonder whether, when talking about expectations from dating, it's worth bringing in such things in so far as they reflect what you've learned about yourself and what you want ? Or is 'showing your working' just not advisable at all ? Where does this jive with the general principle of being honest ?

@HairyArsedMan Personally I don't think talking about ex's or past issues should be brought up until you think the person you're dating could be something more than just dating.

Before you start a relationship its good to discuss what you both want and where you are heading and you may bring up past experience but I wouldnt be mentioning abuse or cheating etc as I think thats way too much and could put you in a vulnerable position.

Its not about not being honest but we don't have to share our whole life story with everyone.

@HairyArsedMan it's a tough call. I usually have to bring it up sooner rather than later. I'm divorcing and have children, including a disabled child. When discussing expectations, I have to be clear that I don't have much free time, and that other demands come first in my life.

But as to the PTSD from abuse etc... Well, I am only just opening up after over a year about that train wreck.

@SortingItOut Hey there, glad things are going well for you with Mr K and actions are speaking more than words. I can't remember whether I posted here or the 40s Online Thread. I'm all good actually, had my first vaccine on Sunday plus a job interview next week and got some major work done on my place. Not been on the apps for a few weeks properly now. I don't think my heart is in it plus with my toddlers, I don't think I have much to offer all these snowboarding types etc who want 'partners in crime'!. I've been lurking on the Style and Beauty thread and looked at tips to revamp myself a bit more. I haven't looked in the mirror in days! I've become tired mum rather than the sortof MILF type I could have been at times before! The only time I'm out is for the school run and it's an hour walk home so that's my starting point. It's been quite cathartic to not be obsessing over the apps or an unavailable man tbh.