Dating Thread 200 - Spring is in the Air, Ghosters Beware

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Honestly I don't know how anyone copes with the 'not opening messages/replying/messaging yet' etc etc I just always am open and upfront with how I feel and be genuine with timings etc.

I was ghosted a while back after things were going swimmingly, he later got in touch to say his MH was spiralling so had to take some time (a few months) out. I was really upset at being ghosted at the time and was sorely lacking closure and found it hard to let go. I checked in with him now and then, sometimes it'd get no response, sometimes it'd start a brief chat but I knew he was a nice guy so kept in touch while dating elsewhere and moving on in that respect.

The way I see it, if I don't act on my own impulses or characteristics then nobody actually knows 'me', just an impression of a side of me. I'd rather it be true than always wondering afterwards if I'd been more myself, would it have worked out. If that makes any sense?

Happy birthday @TheCatWithTheHat. Hope you are having a lovely day.
@cravingthelook, I think you try to be very much the genuine article. So I would have expected you to tell Mr HT how his actions are making you feel. Do you think you have developed proper feelings for him? You have shared before other very profound connections you have had with other people in your life. Are you frustrated that he's not prepared to drop his barriers for you? I know that feeling well. In my case it has lead to several long term situations where I have been told that they couldn't give me what I wanted but they hung around. And rather than being assertive about what I needed I put up with what I was offered in the vain hope that one day they'd get to a point where they could commit - but it never came.
I think a cards on the table chat - if that hasn't already happened - and if he's not on the same page then you need to decide if you can live with that. It sounds like there's too many feelings to be FWB but he's running scared from much more.

What happened to the phantom pregnancy thread? That was crazy reading 😲😲😲

[quote LuckyLinda3]**@TheCatWithTheHat Happy birthday!

@Mayzee what part of Ireland are you from? I'm from Donegal...hello![/quote]
@LuckyLinda3 I’m from the midlands. Love Donegal! have holidayed there a few times. Great to have a fellow Irish person on the thread😀

Happy Birthday @TheCatWithTheHat 🎉hope today’s date went really well. You are certainly top dater numbers wise on the thread 😊

@cravingthelook I agree with Dude that you should him just that. If you are thinking of a letter anyway you might as well open the conversation. He is thinking of you in some way if he’s messaging. You just seem to uncharacteristically down about it all at the moment - I hope you can work things out in your head in the best way for you.

@bangheadhere40 can I just say every iron bar one I’ve met in real life looked significantly better than their photos! So I would put that worry aside for the moment until you meet.
With regard to the messaging, can you set the pace? So don’t respond for a few hours until you have time to sit and chat. And say you’ve been busy or don’t always have time during the day to chat. Although my problem has always been the opposite - they don’t want to chat enough

I haven’t seen Mr TG for 2 weeks - have a tentative plan for tomorrow but it might not happen. Feel a bit disappointed that my child free weekend will pass without seeing each other and then it will be another 2 weeks but it can’t be helped😬

@Mayzee well I've always had that problem too they don't chat enough normally. This one is just at it a day though. I could just not reply for a bit, I will try that! I have friends who message on WA too though so then feel like I can't reply to them either as it's a bit rude if I'm online and ignoring him. Dreaded WA 😄

I will have to take a punt with the photo thing then, I've had some that look better and some worse. The ones he's sent don't look like his original tinder pic though, it could be very awkward.

Thanks so much for the birthday wishes everyone 😊

My date today was lovely - chatted non-stop for 2 hours doing laps of a park, and seemed to be on a similar wavelength. She loves cats too 😀 We had a hug at the end, and she seemed keen when I mentioned meeting up again - we agreed to swap numbers via the app, so am keeping my fingers crossed she messages me later. Slightly kicking myself I didn't just do it there and then, but if she's going to ghost me it'll happen anyway.

Definitely fancy her, and I think this is the first date I've had since Miss C where I'm feeling happy and excited about seeing them again. I don't think I even felt this with Miss H.

I'm trying not to get too carried away though, so will look forward to my date tomorrow! But I'm definitely feeling a lot more positive than I was a few days ago!

@cravingthelook it's hard to know what's behind someone's behaviour. Have you laid your cards on the table with him and told him how you feel? It may not do any good, and may end up hurting you more but at least you'll know. The slow fade, then occasional contact is the worst though as the moment you start getting over them, they rekindle feelings and hope by getting in touch, and confusing things.

I've quite often written out notes to brain dump my feelings, knowing that I wouldn't send them. I find it quite therapeutic just putting it in writing.

Thanks, to clarify I didn't not open his message in some game play. I just needed sometime to process so I responded rather than reacted. I always message back without games.

I think we definitely need a proper chat. Especially after I wrote my thoughts in a book this morning. However, experience has taught me, if I try to do this by text we just end up misunderstanding each other and getting frustrated. I think I will wait and talk to him in person, if indeed we ever get to that point.

I have responded lightly to his questions, we've had a brief chat about my work stuff and about our weekend walks. He said he was out walking with his DD and talked through some stuff. I didn't pry for any details. I just said that's good.

I didn't ask for the daily good mornings, or good nights. The nicknames for each other came naturally and ended up in those daily messages, he gave them openly and I responded back with it. I never knew I wanted that. Then I got it, I liked it. I actually felt valued and wanted for me. To me it's an intimate thing that shows you think of that person . When that stopped, I realised I really loved it. I do want it. I want it with someone smart and funny like he is. His messages sometimes genuinely make me grin or laugh out loud. He has said the same of mine in the past.

I think after sex changed to something way more intimate last week. He as much as I need to process feelings. I'm a let's communicate and deal, let's take the joy while we have it person. I think he's more a step back this isn't what I wanted, I can't deal now person.
I can be patient if I know he's not messing me about.

Right now I'll keep the conversation light. Just see how it goes. My guard is half way up. Then if we do meet I will tell him that his step away hurt me, because he didn't just explain he needed time out.

I'm trying to be the kind of person that is understanding of other people, whilst being thoughtful of my own needs. I've not always got the balance. It's time I got better at this, or it's going to affect everything I try to do in future either with him or anyone else.

I'm really not sure what to do now...this guy just doesn't seem to get a hint and wants to speak to me all day long!

I'm getting more turned off by the minute and it's becoming a bit of a chore now.

Help!

@bangheadhere40

"I'd really appreciate it if we could message a bit less as I need to get on with some other things, let's catch up after dinner, I'll drop you a line then".

Hints don't work.

What on earth does he message about all day anyway?

I'm struggling to think of anything to say to MrWG, who has pissed me off by not messaging all week then messaging today to tell me how busy he's been (he does have a lot going on, which is fine, but noone is so busy they can't text "how are you" once in a week) and I can't decide whether to be breezy "yeah, I'm busy too....blah blah", or more direct "so, when are we going to find time to catch up", or just ignore him for a flippin' week!

I'm off to my mum's on 13th and need ten days clear to swap bubble person, I'm there for three days so it'll be 23 days til MrWG can be my bubble again. Can't decide whether to point this out!

It's just none stop and I don't ask a question then he just comes back with more.

He's going on about where to meet next Saturday and I said I will have a think. He then sends me loads of ideas and what time etc, I said I will let him know. He then says maybe we can meet up Sunday too jokingly. It's just too much!

I am normally complaining when men aren't interested and that pisses me off too.

Maybe it's me and I'm just not used to this!

I went with breezy and very brief.

@bangheadhere40 You know you don't have to reply to him dont you?
Does it matter if he sees you online still?

I find that once you're messaging constantly and replying quickly its hard to step away from that.

Can you put your phone on silent for this evening and ignore it?

Or mute him so his messages stop giving you notifications?

@bangheadhere40

No, that sounds interminable. We need to merge him and MrWG and come up with a man who messages a sensible and reassuring amount of time!

I guess not sorting. I've not replied to the last couple. I know if it carries on though I'm going to just tell him I've changed my mind.

Yes, to merge them would be good! My last one was always 'too busy' and that did my head in as well for the opposite reasons.

@bangheadhere40 Its makes you wonder how boring his life is that he feels the need to message constantly...I know we're in lockdown but there are still things to do in general life and some hobbies you can still do.

I'd be worried that he expects you to entertain him.

MrWG has some weird set up with WhatsApp that my messages never get blue ticks so I can't tell when he's read them. Which is obviously good and bad.

But I happened to reopen his message and he was "online" but not replied to me - not that my message required a reply (but neither did his previous one).

MrNeckKisser I have backed right off from. Not seen him for a few weeks now other than he popped round (he doesn't come in) to borrow my spare router. But he's always threatening to cuddle me, so I won't see him. I had a blood test yesterday and it was "poor you, do you need me to come and cuddle you?". I just ignored it and commented on something else. Anyway, did my five mile walk on my own today.

Arf at irons either messaging too much or too little - MrPM hasn’t messaged today (which is fine he said he was working)

and I’m simultaneously quite ok to not have a message and I don’t like daily messages anyway 😇 and also my ego is slightly annoyed 😒

There’s a few slightly interesting irons in my inbox but I still cba.

The iron I was suspicious about so cancelled today actually messaged back and the situation was clearer

(my bad, I thought he was claiming that he was out of town as he’d mentioned having his car - but his location said otherwise

but actually he’d meant he was in town, but had his car for meeting me anywhere in town?)

So he said he’s back in a few days so we can do a coffee walk thing.

I’ve left the ball in his court - I’m a bit fed up of overfunctioning in terms of organising dates/study/work

Eg I’m messaging Mr Good Looking Thirty Something Doctor Why IS He single and he seems like he’s polite but expecting me to make a first move for meeting etc. Which I’m not sure I want to organise

this is me now:

@bangheadhere I'm having the same issue! Let's call mine MrKeen lol. We talk ALOT, to be honest it's easy and it flows...we are both not very busy and get on well so the conversation just seems to naturally happen and we have a good laugh. However, I'm not used to this level of communication!? I'm used to flakey guys and ghosters...so now I'm questioning whats wrong with him if he wants to talk so much Does yours send multiple messages even if you haven't replied? That's one thing that would be a turn off for me I think! X

have courage yes he does and it's getting too much now! I left it last night and got a few asking if he'd done anything wrong, do I still want to meet. And then I said I was going to bed and goodnight and he sent more. I'm not going to meet him at this rate....I can't be doing with it at all.

And to top it all off I saw my ex iron back on the apps looking really good so I'm quite pissed off 😄

banghead that would really put me off. I had a similar iron and when I bowed out he was the one that then travelled 2 hours and expected me to meet him by the motorway (he didn't know where I lived, just the town) so he could talk me round 😱 i had to block and delete at that point.

So the iron i called out on not being that fussed as he never messaged first who said he was and he thought I wasn't interested as I'd stopped messaging has continued to only message if I message him. I messaged yesterday morning and he replied as ever and then I thought I'd leave it and see if he took the initive- well he didn't and I then saw hes set up a new profile on tinder (we're on bumble) so shall i just leave it now? I'm terrible in that I feel rude if I don't message if I haven't sent the bow out message but my irons never feel rude so why should I 🤦‍♀️

@bangheadhere40 noooo that would have alarm bells ringing for sure! Asking what they've done wrong because you've not messaged back quick enough, you've never met the man! God he sounds clingy and weird. Why is there never a middle ground lol. X

I've just got 2 essays about how much he can't wait to meet me...and how excited he is😐

It's just getting so much now, I don't think he's a bad guy. I'm going to have to cancel though I think as it's doing my head in. Hints aren't working! But then am I going over the top and letting a good one go?

Why did I have to see the flakey iron back on the apps too ☹ that was a kick in the teeth...he was the one that never messaged / saw me at all.

Bloomin heck.

@bangheadhere40
It’s a red flag 🚩 from me - even if he’s attractive/good looking etc in person the fact that he’s stressing himself and you out so much now will continue

I used to overlook slightly weird mannerisms initially if I thought the guy ticked other boxes/or made excuses for them

but overall socially “difficult” people aren’t worth the the hassle

sloth oh god the 2 hour guy sounds creepy. I get freaked out too as I've had to threaten the police before with one iron.

Yeah don't feel bad, if he doesn't take initiative then leave him to it.