Financial situation. Opinions from housewife /sahm only plz

[Jtblmb]

Before I start this I know I'm in a financially abusive relationship and am starting plans to separate so you don't need to tell me to leave etc because I am.
I am interested to hear from other sahm and housewives what is your financial arrangement with your husband, as I think my situation is pretty common and I'd like to hear how you have dealt with it.

I did the age old silly thing of leaving my job to stay at home and raise the children whilst my husband climbed the career ladder and now earns a good salary and has a senior role at work. I have no savings of my own.
Over the 10 years I have done this, I have started to be gradually treated like one of his employees rather than his wife. He expects to me stay at home all day and clean /cook and have tea on the table when he comes in. He doesn't mind me going out somewhere but it can't cost money. So I'm essentially stuck at home. He has never looked after the children himself, never taken them anywhere, never helps around the house, never cooks.

But anyway, he had always given me a small amount of money each month, plus the child benefit I recieve. With this money I have to buy the family food, my petrol, my phone bill. I'm not really left with anything after this. He keeps the rest of the money and pays all of the bills, and things such as holidays for the family, clothes for the children, birthdays, Xmas etc. The children are brought everything no problem, and he has whatever he wants.
But I don't have any money of my own. The only reason he gives me any money at all is because he's always at work so I do the shopping. Otherwise he would give me nothing.
He has always said if I ever need anything just ask him. But when I have he's either said no or given it to me very begrudgingly. By this I mean I was in desperate need of a new winter coat and boots. Mine had holes in and were leaking water. I almost had to beg . I usually buy all my clothes and shoes from charity shops myself (with my little bit left over a month) but charity shops here have been closed for the best part of a year so I haven't been able to get any clothes, I'm also plus size which makes it difficult to get things cheaply.
This morning a prime example, I'm down to zero a week before the end of the month as I had to pay for my cars mot and to be fixed out the money he gives me for food??? He refused to pay for it. So I'm down £100. I said can you pay for the shopping this week as I'm down to zero. He says no, use your overdraft. He has thousands of pounds in the bank, he showed me his balance this morning. Why is he like this???

He wanted me to stop work in the first place because I earned less and it was easier for me to look after the children. He doesn't work set hours. I was happy to do so. But I didn't think it would be like this.
I've spoken to him many times about me going back to work but I haven't for two reasons. 1. He has said my wages would need to go into the joint account with his (that I have no access too) and be used towards the bills the same as his. But none left over for me. I wouldn't be able to spend anything out of it because he would go through every transaction and scrutinise everything I spend. 2. He has said he won't take time off etc to look after the children or pay for any childcare. It would all have to be paid for by me and organised by me. So what is the point?
As I've said we are separating and I will be in a much better position with my own life, but why does this happen? Why does someone feel they can control someone's life this way? I don't deny he probably begrudges paying for everything, but doesn't want me to work either?
Where did I go wrong in all this? For others in similar set ups, how do you deal with the day to day finances etc? Thanks

......"You say you have a joint account with him in your opening post, that you have no access to? If so, you don't need his permission or to be added as a card-holder, you already have that right. You can speak to the bank and get your own online log-in (and card) to that account. If you are anticipating leaving him, I would set up a log-in, but do not use it or alert him to the fact you have it, until you're ready to leave."

This is very important OP because he will not want to separate and lose 'his' assets (because that's how he will see it). If you haven't already got one, you'll need to open your own private bank account to transfer money into it when the time comes.

Dm had housekeeping money every week. That suited her just fine.

I have all our money in my name. That suits me just fine

I think any system is fine so long as there is trust and equal access to funds.

The joint account is ours from when we both worked. It doesn't have debit cards attached to it. Its for bills only and they come out via direct debit.
He then has his own account that his wages go into, and he pays a proportion into the joint account to cover bills.
I also have my own bank account that the child benefit is paid into and my wages used to be paid into

What an awful situation. How can you live like this? He sounds miserable and controlling.

Like you, I was with my DH for 10 years before we had kids. I’ve always valued my independence, so to make things fair he topped up my bank account when I was on maternity leave and when I worked PT. I had my own savings, but when we bought a house we pooled everything together.

As the years went on, he no longer does this, but we have a joint account (his wages only) and he would never question my spending.

I’ve still kept my own account and my part time earnings go into it. Childcare comes out of that account (I could pay this out of the joint account if I wanted to though), but DH’s wage pays for everything else.

His Dad was financially abusives towards him Mother and he was determined not to be like that.

Like you said Op you're in a abusive relationship. What kind of man watches his wife struggle like that? A shit man and a man who controls.

It doesn't matter why he like that, what matters is you get your own life away from him.
Please don't waste your energy thinking about him. Think about you. Speak to women's aid and get support.

Think of your future where you are an equal and no more of this shitshow for a life
It can be done.

It completely changed after you had children because having children reduces your ability to push back and increases an abusers ability to abuse.

Could you have gone back to work with him taking an equal share of child wrangling and domestic chores? I’d bet not. It hinges on whether you would risk letting the children be impacted by his actions.

I’d bet he never did half the domestic stuff in the first place. Then once you were on maternity leave he did nothing. Then if you tried to push back in any way you were prevented from doing so.

Please don’t look for how you could have made it turn out differently - I bet he isn’t.

He did it because he’s an abuser. Do the Freedom program.

Divorce his vile arse...

take your half and live freely OP 🌺

I’m glad you recognise that this is wrong and that you are going to get out.

I don’t really know what the point is telling you about my situation - I didn’t do anything differently, but my DH isn’t abusive so... all our money goes in one pot, we have equal access to it & spend freely although we would discuss with each other if making a larger purchase... I’ve been a SAHM for years although I currently work a few hours & earn about a 10th of where he earns.

I had joint credit card and spent what I wanted on it.

My Ex was a dick in many ways but not like this. Actually, he did threaten to have me taken off the credit card once but I told him if he did that I would fuck off and leave him and he never mentioned it again.

Why don't you take the second card on his bank account? You could transfer a reasonable sum over to your account every week or month, till you leave, for what you need. It'll be handy for the period leading up to and during the separation because you'll both need resources to enable this.

If he wants to go through bank statements you say, 'Car. Food. Sanitary products.' And you can walk away. You don't have to sit there being pontificated at.

Why is he like this???

Because he enjoys the power and control. Because he enjoys your humiliation and degradation. Because he is a thoroughly vile human being.

But his answer is always that If I want to I can become a second card holder on his account

What would happen if you suggest he close his account. You close your account. And you both run the joint account as the only current account?

How would he respond to that suggestion?

Why is he like this? He's a cunt that's why! It was all gravy while you were earning your own money because he couldnt control that. Now that he cam control you he will. Just because the relationship was different before when you first got together, doesn't mean it can't be abusive and terrible now.

No point in comparing to other ppl really. My mom was sahm and dad gave her nearly his whole salary every month, took a little bit out for his spending money then left it to my mom to manage all the bills and savings etc. He acknowledges that my mom is way better with money than he is.

I thought there would be more people commenting to say their situation was similar but it seems most of you have a much better system.
My husband still sees money that he has worked for and earned as his own. Not ours. He never has. I do understand that as he would say "I'm sitting at home doing nothing whilst he's working 12 hours a day", but he seems to forget that he wants me to do this.
Weve had many arguments when he's mentioned it, until I remind him me not working was at his insistence and I'm happy to go back to work as long as he does 50% of everything and he soon shuts up. I can't believe I've wasted 20 years of my life with this person who has made me so unhappy happy.

But that's the point. You don't have any control because he is not giving you enough money for spending. You might as well have used his card and spent as you saw fit. If he interrogates you then tell him to get over it. It's how much stuff costs. That's what I mean by pushing back. You needed to be able to stand up to his "interrogation" instead of backing down and saying "oh it's not worth the argument" and then being in a position where you are forced to accept money from dm to get by. Sometimes you have to be a bit hard faced when people are being unreasonable. It is really easy to say oh you married an arsehole. Maybe you did. But a part of me also thinks sometimes we allow people to turn into arseholes by accepting arsehole behaviour?

OP Please ignore this victim blaming shite. You did not create this man. He created himself. The view expressed by this poster is beyond contemptible and one of the most disgusting things I have ever read on this site.

As for those posters, like the one above, saying, ' you just tell him that' what's stuff costs' or ' you just tell him you paid for car. food. sanitory and walk off'. You posters have NO idea what these men are like. I could not walk away from conversations from my Ex. If I walked away he would follow me from room to room shouting at me, if I tried to ignore him he would stand in front of me waving his hand in front of my face and shouting at me. If I told him to stop he would keep shouting. If I went to the car to drive off to get away from him he would follow me to the car, shouting at me in the street. When I came back a few hours later he would start shouting again like I had never been away.

So posters, when you say, ' just tell him and walk away. You just need to be hardfaced. That'll show him.' You have clearly only ever dealt with normal men, who behave normally and reasonably. These men are not normal. They do not behave normally. That's the whole fucking point.

When my DW was a SAHP, I paid all of the bills. Say I had £500 left, £200 went into savings and we both had £150 to spend on ourselves. Your situation is horrendous and he clearly has little to no respect for you.

My husband still sees money that he has worked for and earned as his own. Not ours. He never has. I do understand that as he would say "I'm sitting at home doing nothing whilst he's working 12 hours a day

No, No, No OP. You have NOT sat at home doing nothing. You have raised the children and managed the household and done all of the domestic labour. Freeing him from all of that has enabled him to concentrate on his career, get to where he is, and have a pretty cushy life where ALL he has to do is work. Not work AND look after his kids AND do domestic work.
That is why the money is joint. Your deserve to be paid for your labour. Your labour helped him to earn that salary. That is why you are entitled to your share of it.

Don't listen to his lies.

Oh OP. I know it's shit. The only thing you can do is stand your ground and keep your boundaries. If he doesn't accept that then the relationship will inevitably have to end. You can't go on like this.

You haven't just sat at home and done nothing. You were raising his kids. Running the home. Your contribution isn't any less than his.

"Weve had many arguments when he's mentioned it, until I remind him me not working was at his insistence and I'm happy to go back to work as long as he does 50% of everything and he soon shuts up."

Yea I bet that would shut him up! He doesn't have a response because he knows you are right!

I was married to a man like this for twenty years. Resented being the sole earner but refused to do anything to accommodate my getting a job. Like you I was expected to organise all childcare and pay for it.
We have been separated a few years and he is now using the court system to still try and bully me financially. He is determined I am not getting another penny out of him to the point that he is happy for our children to live in homeless accomodation. I'm on verge of nervous breakdown now.

Yes please don't listen to the victim blaming posts. Start planning your exit with support and squirrel away money.
This is nothing you have done, abusive men choose to do this however you would have behaved.
There is nothing you can do to change this. Only for yourself.
Even if you had 'stood up to him' he would have used other tactics or increased the abuse in other ways. Men like that just do.

OP, if you're thinking of separating, is there a way that you can say now that you want access to a second card, as a short-term solution? Because a PP is right--you don't have any control right now. You're getting into fights one way or another, but at least this way you don't have to choose between shoes with holes and food for the week.

You could then use the card for family things (e.g. food, car repair) while keeping the benefit for personal things. And if he makes a fuss about that, you could turn over a nominal amount, e.g. £50/month, into the joint bank account for bills while still having full independence over the rest and not have to pay for food out of it.

If it's legal, and I don't know whether it is, you can also get small amounts of cash back every time you go for a shop. Not so much that he'd notice, but perhaps £5-10 each time, which would soon add up.

I'd never recommend this for a long term solution, but it sounds like you plan to separate anyway, and this may give you breathing room for 3-4 months.

If you don't have access to his accounts, when you go for a divorce, make sure your lawyer is aware of this--it may mean that you need to get a forensic accountant.

I'm sorry, OP.

Any system is fine as long as everybody is happy with it but if not it needs changing. I have a friend who has a similar set up as you and it suits her just fine whereas I couldn’t live like that.

I was a sahm when dc were little and dh was setting up his business and we had a joint account that we both had access too. We still have the same set up although I am now involved with running the business so do work, although not as many hours as dh. We have a joint account, credit cards each, savings and a business account that both of us can use/access and I do all the banking.
Dh would not have a clue what was in any account and he is not bothered what I buy really. Of course we discuss any big purchases but little stuff, clothes etc are just bought as needed.

He does lots around the house and we are definitely a team which seems to be the part that is missing from your relationship.....

Err I was not victim blaming. I certainly didn't mean it to come across that way and I apologise if that is how it reads!! I was trying to point out that you need to stand up up these type of people from the beginning and not let them get away with it. That's what I took away from my own experience. Yes my ex was an arsehole who was also financially abusive and had a similar mentality to OP's partner. But yes I kick myself for putting up with his crap for so long!

But there is no letting them get away with it. The only way to do that is not to be with them.

When I was a sahm we had equal access to all accounts and all earnings were considered joint earnings. Every penny DH made was considered equally earned by me because if I wasn’t caring for his child, he wouldn’t have been able to earn it. That is the normal Sahp financial setup. It’s the same one my sister uses with her husband who is a wonderful sahd. There are variations of course on how budgets are set and accounts are organized, but the basic concept is that all money is being earned and belongs to the family unit. Your situation is absolutely financial abuse.