Financial situation. Opinions from housewife /sahm only plz

[Jtblmb]

Before I start this I know I'm in a financially abusive relationship and am starting plans to separate so you don't need to tell me to leave etc because I am.
I am interested to hear from other sahm and housewives what is your financial arrangement with your husband, as I think my situation is pretty common and I'd like to hear how you have dealt with it.

I did the age old silly thing of leaving my job to stay at home and raise the children whilst my husband climbed the career ladder and now earns a good salary and has a senior role at work. I have no savings of my own.
Over the 10 years I have done this, I have started to be gradually treated like one of his employees rather than his wife. He expects to me stay at home all day and clean /cook and have tea on the table when he comes in. He doesn't mind me going out somewhere but it can't cost money. So I'm essentially stuck at home. He has never looked after the children himself, never taken them anywhere, never helps around the house, never cooks.

But anyway, he had always given me a small amount of money each month, plus the child benefit I recieve. With this money I have to buy the family food, my petrol, my phone bill. I'm not really left with anything after this. He keeps the rest of the money and pays all of the bills, and things such as holidays for the family, clothes for the children, birthdays, Xmas etc. The children are brought everything no problem, and he has whatever he wants.
But I don't have any money of my own. The only reason he gives me any money at all is because he's always at work so I do the shopping. Otherwise he would give me nothing.
He has always said if I ever need anything just ask him. But when I have he's either said no or given it to me very begrudgingly. By this I mean I was in desperate need of a new winter coat and boots. Mine had holes in and were leaking water. I almost had to beg . I usually buy all my clothes and shoes from charity shops myself (with my little bit left over a month) but charity shops here have been closed for the best part of a year so I haven't been able to get any clothes, I'm also plus size which makes it difficult to get things cheaply.
This morning a prime example, I'm down to zero a week before the end of the month as I had to pay for my cars mot and to be fixed out the money he gives me for food??? He refused to pay for it. So I'm down £100. I said can you pay for the shopping this week as I'm down to zero. He says no, use your overdraft. He has thousands of pounds in the bank, he showed me his balance this morning. Why is he like this???

He wanted me to stop work in the first place because I earned less and it was easier for me to look after the children. He doesn't work set hours. I was happy to do so. But I didn't think it would be like this.
I've spoken to him many times about me going back to work but I haven't for two reasons. 1. He has said my wages would need to go into the joint account with his (that I have no access too) and be used towards the bills the same as his. But none left over for me. I wouldn't be able to spend anything out of it because he would go through every transaction and scrutinise everything I spend. 2. He has said he won't take time off etc to look after the children or pay for any childcare. It would all have to be paid for by me and organised by me. So what is the point?
As I've said we are separating and I will be in a much better position with my own life, but why does this happen? Why does someone feel they can control someone's life this way? I don't deny he probably begrudges paying for everything, but doesn't want me to work either?
Where did I go wrong in all this? For others in similar set ups, how do you deal with the day to day finances etc? Thanks

I went to one marriage guidance session with my ex and the very first thing he said to the counselor was that I was lazy and had never had a job. When she did not rebuke him with the fact that I had a job being the full time parent,I knew then and there I was never going back. Do not go to any kind of counselling/mediation with an abuser. It won't work and they can use it to manipulate the situation further.

Like a PP everything is pooled apart from a set amount of spending money each (this is equal) which goes into our own accounts and is ours to do with as we wish. Anything coming out of joint money I will mention to DH but he never questions. For example DS needs new pants, I mentioned to DH that I would order some from joint money and that was that.

Yours is definitely financial abuse and I am glad that you are leaving him

"But there is no letting them get away with it. The only way to do that is not to be with them."

Yes that is right. In most situations like this if you stand your ground and dig your heels in and he doesn't budge because he is an abuser then inevitably the relationship ends!

In my case it was my ex who grabbed me by the arm and kicked me out of the house! His response told me all I needed to know! We divorced. But looking back I wish I had stood my ground from the beginning. My ex wouldn't have accepted it and we would have split. Instead I wasted years of my life on him!

There isn't much else to add. OP knows her situation is not right. She has tried reasoning with him and it seems he can't be reasoned with and now she is separating.

Best of luck OP. Xx

I was in EXACTLY this position. I totally understand where you are coming from. No one can understand why you put up with it and you can't understand yourself how it happened!

My ex gave me £100 a month when my daughter was a baby. I got that and child allowance. I had to buy all of the food, anything my daughter needed and keep my car on the road. One day I hit rock bottom and went to leave. He agreed to a joint account and put the money up to £350, he also agreed to add my name to the house and mortgage (it was in his sole name). Well, he never did! He did pay £350 a month for some years and I went back to working part time so things got better. I now work full time and earn good money so we are getting divorced. I can't forgive how worthless he made me feel during those years.

Now during the divorce it is terrible. Every single argument we have is about money and the eventual split. He has refused to pay child maintenance as he paid me child maintenance for all of those years!!! He has proved that money is more important to him that me or his children and I know I'm worth more. I have discovered during the divorce he has £200k in the bank and a tiny percentage of that would have saved me sleepless nights and anguish for the last 14 years.

You are worth more than this x

We have a joint account and all income goes into it, all outgoings come out of it. Equal access.

I do not have to ask permission before spending, though we each talk to each other out of courtesy before a large purchase.

We have separate savings accounts, I have equal access to these. House in joint names. Both have pensions.

Honestly I wouldn’t have considered being a SAHM without this set up.

I hope you are able to leave soon OP. Please make sure you speak to a lawyer and get all the financial information you can before starting the process.

I thought there would be more people commenting to say their situation was similar but it seems most of you have a much better system.
Do you realise op that most men AREN'T abusive and that most women AREN'T in abusive relationships? That's why so few people are saying yes me too? DH works, he pays me what I ask for - half of all the bills, half the food, £50 for the kids and the difference in my tax credits since we started claiming and he got pay rises. Sometimes I think (some) women in lower income houses have an advantage in this way in that they have access to some money

i am a SAHM and I take full control of all aspects of family money. This includes:

• month to month savings
• annual family budget, to include big payments like holidays or home improvements
• how much can/cannot be saved each month and when/if savings should be spent.
• credit card use for both of us
• savings accounts for the children

We have one joint current account, one joint savings account and one credit card in each name, with the other as additional card holder on both accounts. This has been the case since first living together.

For context: I've been with DH for a couple for 25y, married for 16y, have four children aged 6y 11y 15y and 16y. I have been a SAHM 14y (previously a teacher and same wages as DH)

I’d tell him you can no longer live like this as it’s demeaning asking him for money for new boots even though yours have holes in it. Say you are going back to work so you have money for yourself like he has money for himself, to give you spending money. So you still need him to pay the same in for bills etc because your money will be going into your own account. You need to just tell him all this, it’s not up for discussion. If he disagrees say you need to leave him then because you need your own money. Is your house worth enough to split?

The OP has asked a direct question 'where did I go wrong' and people have answered it directly. One could argue that it was the question that is victim blaming, and to some extent it is. It is natural however, when you get to this point (the end!) of an abusive relationship, that you pick over what went wrong, the part you played in it, and of course, grab hold of some fantasy idea that maybe if you had done things differently, then you wouldn't be where you are now.

When you come out the other side of this natural self reflection phase OP, you will see that there really isnt anything you could have none to change this outcome. Ultimately, your husband is who he is, and that is a fundamentally controlling, abusive man. Pushing back hard and firm may well have made life difficult, full of conflict around the children, and still the same rows and humiliation over money. Eventually you will reconcile with this in your mind and stop questioning yourself. You have done your best, and he has reciprocated by taking advantage and abusing you.

Best of luck for making moves to leave him

But a part of me also thinks sometimes we allow people to turn into arseholes by accepting arsehole behaviour?

There's a lot of truth in this because controlling/abusive people nearly always end up with those who have low self esteem/bad boundaries. I guess children then witness this and the cycle repeats over and over (boys grow up to be controlling men and girls grow up normalising controlling male behaviour).

To add to the above, we all have free will though (thankfully!) so even if we've normalised bad behaviours we have every power to change them. OP, I would make it absolutely clear to himt that things have to change. Even if it means you take on managing the account. So what if he goes through your spending? Once you've spent it, you've spent it, so stand your ground. Seems to be more an issue that you avoid confrontation and therefore allowed him to take advantage of that.

Thanks everyone for your comments. I consider myself to be quite a strong person in other aspects of my life. I can't understand how I've let it develop to this.

If you asked my husband he would not see he was in the wrong at all. He would say I was wasteful and lazy. I have never been to the hairdressers (he cuts my hair), I've never had nails done, I don't even buy make up and toiletries myself. My mum makes me a hamper up every Xmas of enough toiletries to last me a year. My dad doesn't know about the situation or that mum gives me money. If he did know I think he would definitely get involved and stand up to my husband about it. Maybe I should tell him

You have done nothing wrong except to be too accommodating to your DH. Could you ask for cashback with shopping if you pay by card it does not show up on bank statements. You could skim off some money each time you go shopping.

No, OP, that's not normal but you know that, well done for having the strength to make plans to leave

Everything is joint and equal here. We have the same disposable money go into our separate accounts each month to spend as we wish, everything else goes into the joint account for bills/household costs and the rest in savings/pensions. I have full access to everything.

You're absolutely making the right choice xx

He cuts your hair??
Oh Op. You need a life away from him.

Tell your dad now.

Your DH is a bully and needs someone to stand up to him, if your dad can do that for you that's a starting point.

Does your DH know that you want to separate?

Can you go to your parents?

omg ..... 😔

If you are leaving where are you planning to go?

Op, I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong but your DH is wrong.

I’m a SAHM and we have a joint account for general stuff plus I have an affiliated credit card. I can buy what I want from either for me and our DC. Obviously we discuss larger items to agree upon. My DH still has his own account but he also puts savings in my name for tax purposes. He sees it all as joint really. He also cooks a lot (he enjoys it), and is happy to help with our DC and around the house if needed.

Your DH sounds very odd, I can’t believe he cuts your hair! It does sound like it’s about control and power and that he resents the fact you are at home. Maybe your Dad could get through to him, it’s maybe worth a shot if you’re at the point of leaving anyway?

Best of luck to you, it’s no way to live

He cuts your hair?!?!?! He doesnt even let you get toiletries

I find that really shocking op. Please tell your dad. Please go home to your parents if you can. This is no way to live.

And please don't blame yourself, please. Don't ask yourself "how you got into this situation".

It's not your fault. It's NOT your fault.

When I was a sahp it was nothing like this at all
But you know your situation isn’t ok or normal

Yes he cuts my hair as I have straight long hair that requires a simple trim so he does it :-/
To outsiders we are the perfect family, lovely home, lovely life. Kids beautifully presented etc. But really I'm like a homeless bag lady wearing clothes with holes in!!
He already knows we are separating, our house is up for sale. I will return to work once I'm apart from him. It's difficult at the moment with covid, and childcare etc. I'm very much looking forward to being in charge of my own life!! :-)

Are you seriously saying this man cuts your hair? Tell your dad whats going on and make plans to leave. You sound like your being treated like a servant