Before I start this I know I'm in a financially abusive relationship and am starting plans to separate so you don't need to tell me to leave etc because I am.
I am interested to hear from other sahm and housewives what is your financial arrangement with your husband, as I think my situation is pretty common and I'd like to hear how you have dealt with it.
I did the age old silly thing of leaving my job to stay at home and raise the children whilst my husband climbed the career ladder and now earns a good salary and has a senior role at work. I have no savings of my own.
Over the 10 years I have done this, I have started to be gradually treated like one of his employees rather than his wife. He expects to me stay at home all day and clean /cook and have tea on the table when he comes in. He doesn't mind me going out somewhere but it can't cost money. So I'm essentially stuck at home. He has never looked after the children himself, never taken them anywhere, never helps around the house, never cooks.
But anyway, he had always given me a small amount of money each month, plus the child benefit I recieve. With this money I have to buy the family food, my petrol, my phone bill. I'm not really left with anything after this. He keeps the rest of the money and pays all of the bills, and things such as holidays for the family, clothes for the children, birthdays, Xmas etc. The children are brought everything no problem, and he has whatever he wants.
But I don't have any money of my own. The only reason he gives me any money at all is because he's always at work so I do the shopping. Otherwise he would give me nothing.
He has always said if I ever need anything just ask him. But when I have he's either said no or given it to me very begrudgingly. By this I mean I was in desperate need of a new winter coat and boots. Mine had holes in and were leaking water. I almost had to beg . I usually buy all my clothes and shoes from charity shops myself (with my little bit left over a month) but charity shops here have been closed for the best part of a year so I haven't been able to get any clothes, I'm also plus size which makes it difficult to get things cheaply.
This morning a prime example, I'm down to zero a week before the end of the month as I had to pay for my cars mot and to be fixed out the money he gives me for food??? He refused to pay for it. So I'm down £100. I said can you pay for the shopping this week as I'm down to zero. He says no, use your overdraft. He has thousands of pounds in the bank, he showed me his balance this morning. Why is he like this???
He wanted me to stop work in the first place because I earned less and it was easier for me to look after the children. He doesn't work set hours. I was happy to do so. But I didn't think it would be like this.
I've spoken to him many times about me going back to work but I haven't for two reasons. 1. He has said my wages would need to go into the joint account with his (that I have no access too) and be used towards the bills the same as his. But none left over for me. I wouldn't be able to spend anything out of it because he would go through every transaction and scrutinise everything I spend. 2. He has said he won't take time off etc to look after the children or pay for any childcare. It would all have to be paid for by me and organised by me. So what is the point?
As I've said we are separating and I will be in a much better position with my own life, but why does this happen? Why does someone feel they can control someone's life this way? I don't deny he probably begrudges paying for everything, but doesn't want me to work either?
Where did I go wrong in all this? For others in similar set ups, how do you deal with the day to day finances etc? Thanks