Financial situation. Opinions from housewife /sahm only plz

[Jtblmb]

Before I start this I know I'm in a financially abusive relationship and am starting plans to separate so you don't need to tell me to leave etc because I am.
I am interested to hear from other sahm and housewives what is your financial arrangement with your husband, as I think my situation is pretty common and I'd like to hear how you have dealt with it.

I did the age old silly thing of leaving my job to stay at home and raise the children whilst my husband climbed the career ladder and now earns a good salary and has a senior role at work. I have no savings of my own.
Over the 10 years I have done this, I have started to be gradually treated like one of his employees rather than his wife. He expects to me stay at home all day and clean /cook and have tea on the table when he comes in. He doesn't mind me going out somewhere but it can't cost money. So I'm essentially stuck at home. He has never looked after the children himself, never taken them anywhere, never helps around the house, never cooks.

But anyway, he had always given me a small amount of money each month, plus the child benefit I recieve. With this money I have to buy the family food, my petrol, my phone bill. I'm not really left with anything after this. He keeps the rest of the money and pays all of the bills, and things such as holidays for the family, clothes for the children, birthdays, Xmas etc. The children are brought everything no problem, and he has whatever he wants.
But I don't have any money of my own. The only reason he gives me any money at all is because he's always at work so I do the shopping. Otherwise he would give me nothing.
He has always said if I ever need anything just ask him. But when I have he's either said no or given it to me very begrudgingly. By this I mean I was in desperate need of a new winter coat and boots. Mine had holes in and were leaking water. I almost had to beg . I usually buy all my clothes and shoes from charity shops myself (with my little bit left over a month) but charity shops here have been closed for the best part of a year so I haven't been able to get any clothes, I'm also plus size which makes it difficult to get things cheaply.
This morning a prime example, I'm down to zero a week before the end of the month as I had to pay for my cars mot and to be fixed out the money he gives me for food??? He refused to pay for it. So I'm down £100. I said can you pay for the shopping this week as I'm down to zero. He says no, use your overdraft. He has thousands of pounds in the bank, he showed me his balance this morning. Why is he like this???

He wanted me to stop work in the first place because I earned less and it was easier for me to look after the children. He doesn't work set hours. I was happy to do so. But I didn't think it would be like this.
I've spoken to him many times about me going back to work but I haven't for two reasons. 1. He has said my wages would need to go into the joint account with his (that I have no access too) and be used towards the bills the same as his. But none left over for me. I wouldn't be able to spend anything out of it because he would go through every transaction and scrutinise everything I spend. 2. He has said he won't take time off etc to look after the children or pay for any childcare. It would all have to be paid for by me and organised by me. So what is the point?
As I've said we are separating and I will be in a much better position with my own life, but why does this happen? Why does someone feel they can control someone's life this way? I don't deny he probably begrudges paying for everything, but doesn't want me to work either?
Where did I go wrong in all this? For others in similar set ups, how do you deal with the day to day finances etc? Thanks

Are women desperate to give up their jobs? The guy here was the driver.

A lot are. MN is full of posts from women saying they want to. I’m not saying a lot of men aren’t on board with it too (at least the idea of it) but a lot of women see SAHM life as the holy grail.

What section do these threads usually appear?

TBF, it doesnt really matter what other people are doing, just concentrate on leaving.

He knows he will have to hand over lots of his lovely cash to you once your divorced right! And it will probably cost him more, rather than being a decent husband and a team player.

All money paid into a joint account. Both of us get equal spends - I actually get a bit more as my hair colour & cut is significantly more than his cut.
Separate account for shopping, gym, kids clothes etc. I can normally save a good bit from this.
The rest into joint savings and each of us have our own investments the exact same amount. I file the statements. My husband will have more personal savings than me as I spend my monthly allowance in full but he doesn't. House deeds are in both names.

@Jtblmb, I was in your situation. Everything was okay until we had children and then the mask slipped. He completely withdrew from me during the pregnancy, would not discuss it or any future arrangements regarding work and childcare arrangements. I ended up going back to work immediately but part time, paid for all childcare plus my usual contribution to the mortgage and bills. Ended up with nothing at the end of the month whilst he was treating himself to shopping trips and sports holidays. When I challenged him about it he said I only had to ask for money I needed ie use the begging bowl.

Eventually I flipped and threatened to leave at which point he agreed to share finances and split any remainder 50/50. Sounds fair? It wasn't. When I divorced him I discovered it wasn't 50/50, he underplayed his earnings massively so was effectively giving me 'pocket money' each month and I was doing it all at home plus parenting. His job took off, lots of trips away and working away three days a week led me to give up work altogether, it wasn't worth it. Our daughter would effectively been raised by someone else. It isn't a case of wanting to become a SAHP, sometimes circumstances dictate. I am a strong person, just disappeared into the background of his selfishness and lack of cooperation.

Like you, my life was very limited. I wanted to retrain to get a better professional job. Thwarted at every turn by the lack of support and 100% domestic responsibilities. He didn't want to lose his housekeeper.

Finally got out ten years ago and it has been an absolute roller coaster as he has put me through hell with additional court cases to undo what was agreed in the original divorce but I am now financially independent and considering early retirement. What I would say to you is get as much assets as you can and don't agree to shared care so he can reduce his child maintenance. My exH lasted five minutes with one night a week and EOW. Dropped our daughter when next wife came along. But I am the happiest I have ever been. I am living my OWN life, not someone's sidekick. Best thing I ever did. Good luck with your escape to freedom!

Croc I think similar to you.
That men like this view children as a pointless hobby that their wife indulges in, and that they are being very generous in funding this(!)

In a very Darwinian way they are aware that THEY can always make more children at any point, so on some level they care rather less whether the current brood lives or dies.

Not true for women of course, and so mothers very rarely leave their kids with this sort of father and strike out on their own, because they know the kids would just be neglected and/or foisted off onto someone else.

This is all subconscious (ish) but it explains a lot... combine that with the social conditioning that some men absorb which says a serf-like stay-at-home wife devoted to his needs is a status symbol...

I'm sorry that you had to find this out about your husband after 10 year OP. That's really rubbish :( I can understand this level of scrutiny if you were really poor and absolutely everything had to be accounted for lest you run out of money for food, rent or essential bills, I can understand it it someone had a bad habit if spending on ostentatious things, but it doesn't sound like that to me in your case. Didn't you say he has a decent career?

£40 for a winter coat is nothing. Really. Most coats at that price will be made of polyester, nylon and other rubbish materials that won't keep you warm. You need a good wool mix, at least 50% and wool coats often cost more than £100. I still have mine from years ago because I love it so much. It will never go out of fashion because of the type of coat it is and it's very warm in winter. To have to reason like you did just to get a £40 winter is just humiliating and I would find it bloody insulting in your circumstances.

Some men cannot respect women or treat the decently when they're vulnerable. It's the ultimate test really. I've heard it quite a few times now - the husband and wife have an ok or great relationship. Then she has a baby and once she has kids and is more dependent on him. He finds he quite likes being dominant and wearing the trousers and starts becoming controlling, abusive, or basically starts pushing his power over the relationship to its limits. The wife in turns feels like a the little wifey at home, a doormat and no longer recognises her relationship. I think power shows who you truly are a s a person.

I'm a SAHM with a working husband. We have a joint account. Everything (his salary, child benefit) goes into the joint account. We both have access to all the money at all times. If either of us wanted to buy something substantial we would have to budget for it. Things have been tight for a few years, but going forward I intend to siphon off some savings into separate pots for both of us. Mainly for buying presents for each other (nothing is a secret currently), but also because it's nice to have access to some cash that isn't family cash, and on a more sinister note, it might be nice to have a buffer in case things turn shit.

I have only worked part time since dd was born - l remember in the middle of a row once, dh said he will have to start giving me less money at which point l told him l won't be controlled and if it wasn't for me having his child, l would have been very self sufficient and if he wanted to be in charge like that, he can be rich and lonely because l would rather live in my mum's spare room than have a man think he can treat me like that. He apologised and never said it again.
OP can you find it somewhere in you to call him out on it? Do you have somewhere to go if you have to leave? Please don't enable this abuse .

@123344user, totally agree. My exH saw our daughter as 100% my responsibility and decision. He would not discuss the pregnancy, it was like it was all down to me. When I asked him when we separated why he got married he said 'he liked having someone at home' ie objects to control and patronize.

Well done OP for getting ready to leave him, you are absolutely stronger than you think.

I have a lovely friend in a very similar situation to you, she has no access to cash unless her DH gives it to her for specific and approved purposes, when payments are due for things like DC swimming lessons she must ask him to arrange bank transfers as she is not allowed to even use his bank details. She can use 2nd card on DH credit card but he does go through statements and comment on every transaction.

They've been together longer, I doubt she will leave him but it makes me so sad. He chooses their cars, their holidays, their home furnishings. It's looks all very nice from the outside but she has no say over her own life. He's planning his retirement far away from where she lives, it's just assumed she will leave everything she knows and follow. Very sad.

So you're not alone, unfortunately there are abusive men out there. My own situation is more like OnTheBenchOfDoom, although everything is 'our' money. Our latest car is also in my name but I don't think of it as DH buying me a new car, rather that we bought one.

Don't worry about what has been, look forward and think about how much better life will be without him. Good luck

Many wealthy men are like this Im afraid .He sounds a miserable and controlling cunt to me! How on earth are you sitting at home doing nothing FFS? So a Housewife fairy floats in to do cooking washing and childcare? I am glad you are separating .Be sure to get the best lawyer you can as he will probably try to hide money ,and get the least settlement for you he can Im afraid(Seen good friends go through this!) He was probably kind early on in the marriage ,but as time goes by he sees himself as "Important" and you as "the little woman" Bloody Cheek! You have done absolutely nothing wrong at all here .Do not blame yourself .Do you have a good friend/family member to turn to for support?

If you are actually separated and living separate lives - even under the same roof, you MIGHT be able to apply for universal credit as a single person (I'm assuming no savings in your own name). Worth taking some advice.

In answer to your question, I've been a SAHM for the last 8 years, only married for 2, every penny is joint (instantly accessible/transferable by both of us) or in my sole name (savings). We have never had a discussion where one of us is concerned about what the other has spent.

@Cpl1586407

He cuts your hair?!?!?! He doesnt even let you get toiletries

I find that really shocking op. Please tell your dad. Please go home to your parents if you can. This is no way to live.

That verges into the almost sinister territory doesn't it. It shows such a lack of respect for you as a person, that you are not even worthy or a haircut? He really is an out and out prick and you simply must end this marriage, even if you couldn't afford those things as a separated person you'd be not affording them yourself if you get what I mean, rather than because this asshole says you can't.

I’ve been in exactly this position for the 10 years after kids were born. No joint accounts. With hindsight I should never have married him. He asked for a prenup before we got married and that should have been enough of a red flag for me to run. I didn’t and I’ve wasted 20 years of my life and I’m now too old to start again. I’m stuck. I have young kids, no joint account, zero financial control, no career, no ability to direct my own life. I’m fucked. I got into this situation because when my eldest was born and didn’t sleep, I did every night feed etc. I lived on little sleep for years. I was fucked mentally and physically. It’s impossible to think or change your life when you have no money, no access to money, months of 3 hours broken sleep per night..how do you even start to think to go back to work? How do you do that with toddlers and expensive childcare and no support system. If I’d had money in the bank I would have left him when my eldest was young. If I’d had family to support me I would have left him. With nothing and nobody then there’s no way out.

Telling all family friends about him cutting your is the perfect example of how financially abusive he was and would be a really chilling thing to hear.

Shaming men is very effective in my experience.
Men like this have huge egos, that are fragile.

Shaming them within their community/career is very effective.

@bombastical
Won't be like that forever. Your children will grow and you will have a chance to get out

@bombastical

I’ve been in exactly this position for the 10 years after kids were born. No joint accounts. With hindsight I should never have married him. He asked for a prenup before we got married and that should have been enough of a red flag for me to run. I didn’t and I’ve wasted 20 years of my life and I’m now too old to start again. I’m stuck. I have young kids, no joint account, zero financial control, no career, no ability to direct my own life. I’m fucked. I got into this situation because when my eldest was born and didn’t sleep, I did every night feed etc. I lived on little sleep for years. I was fucked mentally and physically. It’s impossible to think or change your life when you have no money, no access to money, months of 3 hours broken sleep per night..how do you even start to think to go back to work? How do you do that with toddlers and expensive childcare and no support system. If I’d had money in the bank I would have left him when my eldest was young. If I’d had family to support me I would have left him. With nothing and nobody then there’s no way out.

This is horrendous and my heart goes out to you. I do think worst case scenario, you will have options when the children are grown and gone, another poster has pointed out. But as someone with a 10 year old and a 14 year old, it's amazing what a difference them even getting a bit older makes - you have more headspace, they are more independent, you will have more time to pursue things which might get you further on a road towards independence, such as training, education, or even part-time work which would bring you some independence, confidence and which would have you out there in world able to spot and avail of further opportunities. The change will likely to incremental rather than a big dramatic going from where you are now to announcing 'I'm leaving you, you controlling prick' but small steps taken together can add up to life you want ultimately. I'd also make sure you don't get yourself into situations with the locations of schools, children doing very intensive activities like competitive swimming etc that will keep you trapped in your current situation. You will have to keep your own need for growing independence at the forefront of your mind and your children will be fine and will have to fit in around that. You matter and please please don't give up on yourself.

Good that you're leaving! All the best of luck to you. Of course this is a financial abuse, in a marriage all money should be shared, he does his work and you do yours at home which also requires effort of course, doing housework and looking after the children.

Fwiw I've also been a SAHM for 7 years now (been with my husband for 11) and even when I was working I had his credit card. Now it's the only card I use.. He has never even questioned what I spent the money on, or how much, I just buy everything that I need really. Having to beg for new boots is absolute madness. Glad you are leaving! What a twat.

@bombastical

I could be wrong but I've read on here before that in the uk these prenups don't mean much to the judge during the divorce. You are entitled to at least a half. Maybe worthwhile getting an advice from a lawyer?

No, this isn’t normal, no matter what you might think. I know why you want to think it’s normal, but it isn’t.

I’m pleased you’re making plans and see this for what it is, but please don’t try to minimise his behaviour by telling yourself that because it happens in other relationships it’s either widespread or normal, because it’s neither of those things.

It’s not normal behaviour for the SAHP to have to beg for money to replace shoes that are riddled with holes and leaking; it’s not widespread relationship behaviour for one party to have that level of control over the other either.

Don’t seek false reassurance about the state of the ‘relationship’ you’re in by thinking that either of those things are true. Doing so will only hold you back as you try to extricate yourself.

@bombastical

Go to Women's Aid and see what they can advise. There may be options. As PP said, speak to a lawyer - some will give an initial free session or women's aid may have lawyer who gives a free session. The pre-nup may be meaningless. If you dont' work there may be a chance of spousal maintenance. There is not harm talking all this through with a lawyer if it is free.

Also start a post to ask how you can earn money. There was a thread where people spoke about filling in surveys and earning money that way. There used to be a 'earn £10 a day thread' . Anything you can do to start to earn money yourself that you can save for yourself. As the kids get older you may be able to start working.

I absolutely understand that sense of feeling trapped.

@bombastical there may also be programmes in your area specifically to help economically inactive people (like you) back into work. Even if you don't feel that is an option now, it may be in the future. I did one of these in my mid 40s. Where I used to live the council runs apprentice schemes for certain jobs with no age limit. Its worth trying to find out about all these types of programmes in your area, try asking at the library (when they open) look at every leaflet they have there or ask staff. Keep your eyes open for this stuff.

You will feel tired and depressed and hopeless, because the life you lead makes you feel like that. But it can change.

You can also see if you can access free counselling through your GP or a local mental health charity or women's aid. There are actually lots of services out there to help and once you get in the system you start to find out about more services to help you. You don't have to go through this alone.

He is controlling, financially abusive and also emotionally abusive. My ex wasn't as extreme but also controlled all finances. So nice now we're split - get yourself a good lawyer, a job, and hurry up and split. You won't look back!