Financial situation. Opinions from housewife /sahm only plz

[Jtblmb]

Before I start this I know I'm in a financially abusive relationship and am starting plans to separate so you don't need to tell me to leave etc because I am.
I am interested to hear from other sahm and housewives what is your financial arrangement with your husband, as I think my situation is pretty common and I'd like to hear how you have dealt with it.

I did the age old silly thing of leaving my job to stay at home and raise the children whilst my husband climbed the career ladder and now earns a good salary and has a senior role at work. I have no savings of my own.
Over the 10 years I have done this, I have started to be gradually treated like one of his employees rather than his wife. He expects to me stay at home all day and clean /cook and have tea on the table when he comes in. He doesn't mind me going out somewhere but it can't cost money. So I'm essentially stuck at home. He has never looked after the children himself, never taken them anywhere, never helps around the house, never cooks.

But anyway, he had always given me a small amount of money each month, plus the child benefit I recieve. With this money I have to buy the family food, my petrol, my phone bill. I'm not really left with anything after this. He keeps the rest of the money and pays all of the bills, and things such as holidays for the family, clothes for the children, birthdays, Xmas etc. The children are brought everything no problem, and he has whatever he wants.
But I don't have any money of my own. The only reason he gives me any money at all is because he's always at work so I do the shopping. Otherwise he would give me nothing.
He has always said if I ever need anything just ask him. But when I have he's either said no or given it to me very begrudgingly. By this I mean I was in desperate need of a new winter coat and boots. Mine had holes in and were leaking water. I almost had to beg . I usually buy all my clothes and shoes from charity shops myself (with my little bit left over a month) but charity shops here have been closed for the best part of a year so I haven't been able to get any clothes, I'm also plus size which makes it difficult to get things cheaply.
This morning a prime example, I'm down to zero a week before the end of the month as I had to pay for my cars mot and to be fixed out the money he gives me for food??? He refused to pay for it. So I'm down £100. I said can you pay for the shopping this week as I'm down to zero. He says no, use your overdraft. He has thousands of pounds in the bank, he showed me his balance this morning. Why is he like this???

He wanted me to stop work in the first place because I earned less and it was easier for me to look after the children. He doesn't work set hours. I was happy to do so. But I didn't think it would be like this.
I've spoken to him many times about me going back to work but I haven't for two reasons. 1. He has said my wages would need to go into the joint account with his (that I have no access too) and be used towards the bills the same as his. But none left over for me. I wouldn't be able to spend anything out of it because he would go through every transaction and scrutinise everything I spend. 2. He has said he won't take time off etc to look after the children or pay for any childcare. It would all have to be paid for by me and organised by me. So what is the point?
As I've said we are separating and I will be in a much better position with my own life, but why does this happen? Why does someone feel they can control someone's life this way? I don't deny he probably begrudges paying for everything, but doesn't want me to work either?
Where did I go wrong in all this? For others in similar set ups, how do you deal with the day to day finances etc? Thanks

Basically no, my situation is nothing like that. MIL was a SAHM with money given to her every week by FIL. When Dh and I discussed me not going back to work (relocation with his job saw me leave my part time job, I reduced my hours after Ds was born) I said there is no way I am not having access to all monies.

We always had a joint account anyway, sole accounts had wages in then we transferred a proportional amount for bills etc leaving ourselves with the same amount of money each month to spend on whatever. The joint account was used to pay for anything for the baby etc.

Fast forward to now, I haven't worked in over 16 years. I am the affiliated card holder to his credit card. I spend money on what I like, when I like. The credit card is paid in full every month automatically. He bought me a brand new car a few years ago, in my name. We talk about money and where we intend to spend it so this year we want to do some stuff in the garden etc.

We have been married over 20 years, he doesn't expect dinner on the table every night, sometimes I am too tired to do it (medical condition with fatigue) he will do it or the teenagers will. Yes I do all the housework because I can. He has never begrudged me a penny because he isn't a nasty, controlling person.

I cannot understand how this got so bad with him showing you thousands in the bank and expecting you to screw your credit rating by using your overdraft.

Some people are just like this. Abusive and manipulative by nature and there is no excuse for it. But I also think it is about the dynamic you unwittingly set up in a relationship when you continually allow someone to trample over you and when you don't keep boundaries. The set up was unacceptable from the beginning. If you were going to be a sahm then imo the deal is that he should be providing for you amply. Clothes, shoes, beauty products, going out budget etc, anything you need and want within reason. Most sahm I know are given a sizeable chunk of husbands salary as the household budget to organise and spend as they see fit. Alternatively they have access to a joint account for spending. You are his wife, not his slave.

Did you ever push back on his expectations/demands? Or did you just go along with it from the beginning? You could have also laid out your terms for you to be a sahm. It is easy to say this all in hindsight. Some people are just too nice and go along with these arrangements not realising how unfair or problematic they are. Then when it all gets too much it becomes difficult because from the other partner's pov you were OK with it then so what's the problem now?

I'm saying all of this as someone who was married to manipulative, gaslighting manbaby who enjoyed keeping me under his thumb. In hindsight I realised that my fault was that I had allowed his behaviour to go on by not setting these boundaries and allowing the dynamic to be created. When I look back there were many times that he said some really shocking things....and I didn't say anything. In his own words he was "testing the waters" to see whether I was be outraged and push back or not. When he saw that I stayed quiet it emboldened him and made him realise that he could get away with treating me like that. I was really young and naieve and too scared of confrontation.

After the divorce, I remember talking to a friend who made a comment which has stayed with me ever since "you need to look out for yourself and make sure that he is looking out for you". I.e. he needs to be reminded and put in place if he is not doing that. You need to speak up.

We also have another saying in my culture "don't oppress, but don't be oppressed" I.e. don't allow yourself to be oppressed.

Food for thought. I wish you the best for the future. Hope the separation etc works out well for you.

He's finically abusing you. Leave.

Because you didn't put your foot down and stick to your guns like OnTheBenchOfDoom at the very start of your relationship.

“Where did I go wrong in this?”

You married an arsehole. That’s the top and bottom of it. Most people in a more “traditional” set up that you describe (for want of a better word) including me have enough trust and respect to allow full access to all funds wherever they come from.

My STBex is self employed and has a a similar attitude although it seems less extreme as he doesn’t earn much. I have small amount of tax credits paid into my account and have to live off that buying food, kids clothes, birthdays, Xmas etc. He keeps what he makes and spends it on whatever he likes. Which means me and the kids could be living off beans and value food while he is wandering into the house with costa coffee and an expensive sandwich that cost the same a 3 days worth of food for us! like your partner he didn’t want me to get a job, in the end i went back to uni to start a degree which he really didn’t approve of. It was either that or get a rubbish job and spend all my wages on childcare instead I use my student loan to pay for childcare and hopefully I will get a better job at the end of it and my youngest dc will be in school so less childcare costs to worry about.

We are in the process of separating and although I know money will be really tight until I finish my degree next year and find a job I am really looking forward to being able to having some financial freedom!

I am divorced from someone like your DH. The behaviour is vile and not normal, it's humiliating to be treated like that.
Having said that, my DM had a credit card for the joint account and my DDad would go through it at the end of every month with a hilighter and then have a sit down interrogation about it. He'd also go through the Tesco receipts and do the same and tell her how much he had to earn before tax to pay for the blueberries she'd bought for herself. He was a high earner and there was no reason to be picking over pennies like this. This was also while he was spending £1000s on holidays with OW. He was very controlling and thank god she LTB.

"Did you ever push back on his expectations/demands? Or did you just go along with it from the beginning? You could have also laid out your terms for you to be a sahm. It is easy to say this all in hindsight. Some people are just too nice and go along with these arrangements not realising how unfair or problematic they are. Then when it all gets too much it becomes difficult because from the other partner's pov you were OK with it then so what's the problem now?"

I have always pushed back. Just like I did this morning. But his answer is always that If I want to I can become a second card holder on his account. He will give me nothing and then I will buy everything out of his account. So according to him he is being very generous and can't see that anything is wrong.
The truth is, if I did that, he would go over the monthly statement with a fine tooth comb and have me explain what each item was, and why did I buy it etc. Its just not worth the hassle and the arguments. So I've always preferred it this way as I get to keep some control.

I forgot to add in my original post, my mother has known about this situation for years and she gives me money every month so I can buy my essentials. He doesn't know this

Same as OnTheBenchOfDoom.
As a SAHP all our accounts, current and deposits are in joint names.
DH has always had as much input with the DC as is possible. At times this wasn't much, with the hours involved in running his business, but I know he wanted to do as much as possible with them.
DH is under no illusions that having a SAHP saves pounds in child care and housekeeping compared to our friends.
You went wrong by not having a joint account as soon as you married/got a joint mortgage. When we moved in together I was the higher earner but our money became joint and so it has continued.
I agree you sound financially abused, well done for getting out,and ensure you get a fair financial agreement upon leaving.

@VanCleefArpels

“Where did I go wrong in this?”

You married an arsehole. That’s the top and bottom of it. Most people in a more “traditional” set up that you describe (for want of a better word) including me have enough trust and respect to allow full access to all funds wherever they come from.

This is why I feel so upset by it all. My husband and I were together for 10 years before we had children. We both worked full time then and had a lovely life and relationship. We both earned similar then too. We both paid the same amount into the joint account for bills and then the rest was ours to spend as we wished. He wasn't like this back then at all. It completely changed when we had children

I’m a second card holder on my DH’s account. I buy what I bloody well like, and he’s never questioned it. I occasionally feel guilty, but I try to discuss potentially guilt-inducing purchases with him before I make them, and sometimes I’ll decide we don’t really need them after all 🤷‍♀️

@Jtblmb that's exactly what would happen. Men like this put on this facade of "oh spend what you need on the card," then hold an interrogation. My DM was there explaining and trying to justify that I needed bigger school shoes because my feet had grown and he wasn't having it. He was rich and had no real reason to worry about pennies.
My GPs used to take my DM shopping to get her clothes because my DDad wouldn't let her buy any or had such a go at her for buying a new coat or something like that which she needed in shops like TK Maxx. This was again while he was buying himself top of the range additional cars etc. We still talk about what it used to be like and she's so glad she left.

I always had a joint account from the start. We didn't have separate accounts until we separated (and actually a few months on from that! Very open with money so a non issue. I ha e separate accounts with dp but want to change this

Why waste any more precious energy on him OP? he is how he is because he is not a nice man, he is a shit.
You cannot control someone elses behaviour only your own, so focus on your plan to leave and nothing else.

I stopped working (barring a bit of freelance work very occasionally) when I had my second child. We have always had separate bank accounts but worked out a system involving a big spreadsheet! All money coming in is treated is joint and added together. Then we subtracted all the bills, mortgage etc plus an amount for savings for us and the kids. Food shopping etc was done by either of us on a joint credit card that was cleared every month and included in the above total.

The balance (so whatever was left after all bills and the costs of running a family) was divided equally between us. This meant that bills were covered and we each had our own money to do as we liked with.

After dc 3 I'm back working and now run my own business, and bring in slightly more than my dh. We still use this system. It doesn't matter who earns it, it all goes into supporting the family, either now or in the future, plus we have some independent financial freedom from each other.

I feel lucky that we were pretty much on the same page with money because we didn't discuss this in detail before we started having children. I am drumming it into my children to make sure they discuss this kind of thing with a partner early on.

I hope that's helpful. Good luck.

I’m really sorry you’ve been treated like this it’s not right or normal. I was a SAHM and we have a joint account and spend what we like on eg clothes or going out within reason. Any really big purchase we obviously discuss and between us decide if we can afford it/ really need it. I find it difficult to understand guys who are happy for their own wife and children to suffer like this and don’t they think that people will be judging them if their wife and children are in rags and they’re in lovely new clothes? Really not right.
If you need advice please contact Women’s Aid - without him knowing and they can help you. Good luck.

My friend is in a relationship similar to yours. He earns well and throws it at her constantly

They live in a nice house but she has nothing - buys all the kids' clothes and hers on Facebook marketplace. Same with Christmas and birthday presents.

She came out for a Christmas meal and drinks (2019 obvs) with £20. We had to pay her share

Has a tiny food budget but he expects steak and salmon for himself

We've begged her to leave him.

"have always pushed back. Just like I did this morning. But his answer is always that If I want to I can become a second card holder on his account. He will give me nothing and then I will buy everything out of his account. So according to him he is being very generous and can't see that anything is wrong.
The truth is, if I did that, he would go over the monthly statement with a fine tooth comb and have me explain what each item was, and why did I buy it etc. Its just not worth the hassle and the arguments. So I've always preferred it this way as I get to keep some control.

I forgot to add in my original post, my mother has known about this situation for years and she gives me money every month so I can buy my essentials. He doesn't know this"

But that's the point. You don't have any control because he is not giving you enough money for spending. You might as well have used his card and spent as you saw fit. If he interrogates you then tell him to get over it. It's how much stuff costs. That's what I mean by pushing back. You needed to be able to stand up to his "interrogation" instead of backing down and saying "oh it's not worth the argument" and then being in a position where you are forced to accept money from dm to get by. Sometimes you have to be a bit hard faced when people are being unreasonable.

It is really easy to say oh you married an arsehole. Maybe you did. But a part of me also thinks sometimes we allow people to turn into arseholes by accepting arsehole behaviour?

I could've written your post, it is so humiliating, I'm sorry you are going through this. Like you this only happened after we had children. It got worse in the end for 18 months he gave me nothing, not a penny, it was terrible. My parents who are pensioners helped me and the kids.

Just to clarify I am in no way blaming you OP. There isn't an excuse for behaviour like that. But it was just a response to part of your post where you asked "where did I go wrong".

I'm a SAHM. When I stopped working, I earned more than my husband so, initially at least, there was a substantial drop in our household income.

We have a joint account where everything goes in or out of, plus a couple of credit cards. He would never look through bank statements or monitor spending (in fact, I'd like him to take a less passive role in our finances!).

Big expenditure tends to be a joint decision (say a car) and I might tell him if I'm buying something that costs a few hundred pounds, out of courtesy rather than him wanting to know, or to get his opinion on the purchase as I'm quite indecisive.

He wouldn't begrudge me any personal expenditure, in fact, he gets frustrated that I hate to buy things at full price or don't replace things that are looking a bit worn out. Maybe it would cause tension if the situation were reversed.

So, in short, I appreciate that I'm lucky that we're well off and he's very generous. But he never refers to it as "his money" or "my budget", and is keen to correct the kids if they make a comment about dad's money.

I wish you well and hope you find the financial freedom you deserve.

When I was sahm, we had a joint account and used that equally.

I did feel awkward about buying things for myself, but now-ex was never financially abusive, and it was something that was my hang-up more than his, I think.

But what you describe is clearly financial abuse.

You say you have a joint account with him in your opening post, that you have no access to? If so, you don't need his permission or to be added as a card-holder, you already have that right. You can speak to the bank and get your own online log-in (and card) to that account. If you are anticipating leaving him, I would set up a log-in, but do not use it or alert him to the fact you have it, until you're ready to leave.

Good grief, not normal at all.
We treat all money as family money. I manage the hosehold and business finances.
Never had his n her money, dh wouldn't think of it.
I don't take the piss and am frugal by nature, but I don't have to consult him before buying what any of us need.
I think it's strange not to tbh.

I was a SAHM for 5 years until both Dds went to school, took a career break in the NHS, job was held open for me . My Dh's wages went into a joint account and l was allowed to pay for anything and everything l wanted/needed to , l was and still am in full charge of the finances . I did not take the P , never would, never could but anything that l needed or the family needed was fine.
If you divorced then surely half of everything is yours automatically?

You seem to inviting people to tell you it's your fault but it's not.