To Have Never Orgasmed!

[Lady08]

How common is this?
I’ve been married for over 10 years and I’m in my 30’s and it’s never happened for me.
I couldn’t post on the sex forum because I need to be a member for at least 3 months.

If you are worried about clitoral atrophy, there I've pasted some stuff below that may help.

I definitely think this happened to me. But like I say, I can still orgasm.
The info below recommends exercise and my sex drive and orgasms did return when I started exercising regularly (well, I took up physically active hobbies, which is the same thing). So I would recommend that as well as a regular sexual practice focussed on you rather than a penis. Even if you have to do it solo for now.

What is the rest of your relationship like? I have to say, life has taught me that you can learn a lot about a man's character by how he is in bed. I've noticed a direct correlation between decent men = good lovers, shit men = bad in bed.

"Treatment depends on what your doctor thinks may be responsible for the loss of sensation in the first place. Here are some of the most common treatments:

Have sex. Regular sexual activity can help your clitoris stay healthy and sensitive. It may help restore the feeling in the sensitive nub, too.
Get moving. You can also help increase blood flow with regular cardio exercise. Cardio exercise helps boost blood flow throughout the body. What’s good for the body is good for the clitoris and vagina. Regular exercise can also keep testosterone levels from dipping.
Try testosterone replacements. Testosterone supplements are often used as a treatment for clitoral atrophy. As a cream, pill, or injection, these options can help restore your testosterone so your body is capable of producing an adequate sexual response. Your doctor will need to prescribe these treatments"

@agreyersky Really? In my experience a lot of arseholes are actually great in bed...poor sex have mainly had with blokes who are nice, but too wet (poor term in this thread)

I think there is so much advice and theory and toys etc etc, it can all get a bit overwhelming when it should be lovely and relaxing. I got really het up about things recently and went and bought my first vibrator. I'm not impressed at all, and have gone back to my own technique, which doesn't involve much touching at all, it's more fantasising and concentration. Have you tried just grinding on a pillow or something similar @Lady08 ? That works for me. It's not all about ramming things in there! And speaking of the clitoris, I'm kind of ashamed to say I've only recently had a look for mine, and didn't really ever realise where it was! Probably in my case too down to lack of attention in that area from anyone but myself. Get you ultimate fantasy in your head OP, and go for it, gently. Good luck! X

[quote gutful]@agreyersky Really? In my experience a lot of arseholes are actually great in bed...poor sex have mainly had with blokes who are nice, but too wet (poor term in this thread)[/quote]
Yeah really. I've found their personalities carry through to the bedroom.
Selfish men = selfish lovers. Nice, empathetic men = considerate lovers who have bothered to learn what pleases a woman as they genuinely enjoy a woman's pleasure. I can genuinely look back and see their characters in how they are in bed. Which I guess is unsurprising.

agreyersky Really? In my experience a lot of arseholes are actually great in bed...poor sex have mainly had with blokes who are nice, but too wet (poor term in this thread)

This is my experience too. The more of a dickhead the man is, the better he is in bed IMO 🤣

@agreyersky - He isn’t a bad person at all, he works hard, does his fair share of chores and is a good father. We’ve had a tough couple of years though, where we were considering divorce. I don’t think he had a lot of sexual experience though before we got together and I think that, paired with my inability to orgasm has led to me having a less enjoyable sex life. I am hoping that once I can get there myself, I will be able to incorporate it with sex. I will tell him how I feel too and suggest that I need more stimulation before and during sex.

Check out the Ferly app for guided masturbation exercises.

Interesting to read other women's experiences. Despite what we may think, not everyone is having Hollywood sex and many women have challenges to overcome. One thing I'm surprised hasn't been posted is how big the clitorus actually is. The little pearl under the hood is just the it we can see and feel directly. The whole thing is the shape and approx size of a chicken wishbone. Probably explains why the less intense but bigger area wand works for some. The vibes are getting through to the wishbone legs which also help stimulate you. The omgyes site explains how after your first O in a session you often need different areas stimulated afterwards to go again and be multiple O tastic! The clit nerves under your skin link to your gspot too, so hitting both together can be explosive. Baby steps though

*clitoris

I don’t think he had a lot of sexual experience though before we got together and I think that, paired with my inability to orgasm has led to me having a less enjoyable sex life. I am hoping that once I can get there myself, I will be able to incorporate it with sex. I will tell him how I feel too and suggest that I need more stimulation before and during sex.

In my experience men who don't do foreplay are either very selfish, which you've said isn't the case here, or they struggle to communicate in general. A lack of sexual experience isn't normally a problem long term. Does you communicate well with each other about non sexual things?

Oh dear, having a 'D'H not into foreplay wouldn't help any woman. As the saying goes, 'You have a DH problem.'

there’s a lot i’d like to try, so if one doesn’t work after some time, I’ll try another

@Lady08 Glad you're motivated.

Rabbit are the best I think. I still have my model from around 6 years ago and it needs replacing but all the newer versions seem to have changed the material and are now the soft silicone type which I don't find form enough. Does anyone have any recommendations?

@crystalcherry87 It's a different thing but I like the Magic Wands, have you tried them? Apparently you can get a bunny ears attachment for one www.lovehoney.co.uk/sex-toys/vibrators/magic-wand-vibrators/p/mantric-bunny-ears-wand-attachment/a42899g78160.html I agree, I don't like the softer, modern vibes. You can get some metallic-looking vibes that are firm. www.lovehoney.co.uk/sex-toys/vibrators/classic-vibrators/p/lovehoney-silver-seducer-classic-vibrator-6-inch/a34952g63328.html

clitoral atrophy, I honestly didn’t know this existed and seems a simple case of use it or lose it. I’m now concerned this is a case with me but how would I be able to tell if this is what’s happened?

@Lady08 I wouldn't worry about this as if it happens it's rare. And you've never orgasmed, so it's not like it's something you used to be able to do but it's atrophied- there's not been a change. You could see your GP to get your hormone levels checked I guess.

got really het up about things recently and went and bought my first vibrator. I'm not impressed at all

It's not all about ramming things in there!

@Wakingup55643 Not all vibes are equal, there are so many different types nowadays. The Magic Wand isn't for inserting at all. Most you can use externally. I've not used a Womanizer but they are very popular and not about insertion.

And speaking of the clitoris, I'm kind of ashamed to say I've only recently had a look for mine, and didn't really ever realise where it was!

Mine is tiny, I can hardly find it. I just aim in the general area and it does the job. That's why I like the wand as it covers a wider surface area. Rubbing directly on the clit can actually be less pleasant/too intense than in the general vicinity sometimes.

One thing I'm surprised hasn't been posted is how big the clitorus actually is. The little pearl under the hood is just the it we can see and feel directly. The whole thing is the shape and approx size of a chicken wishbone. Probably explains why the less intense but bigger area wand works for some.

@FlowersOfAldershot Make sense.

@Wakingup55643 - Can I ask which vibrator you tried? As your husband doesn’t pay much attention to that area either, have you addressed this with him? If so, how did it go, have things got better, sorry for all the questions and thanks, hopefully I’ll get there. X

@PinotPony - Thank you for the recommendation, I’ll have a look shortly!

@FlowersOfAldershot - I have certainly learned a lot just from reading other women’s experiences, both here and online, I had never even heard of clitoral atrophy, until mentioned on here.

I also didn’t realise how big some women’s clitorises were, after a quick Google to see if myn looked similar ☺️

@FlowersOfAldershot

Interesting to read other women's experiences. Despite what we may think, not everyone is having Hollywood sex and many women have challenges to overcome. One thing I'm surprised hasn't been posted is how big the clitorus actually is. The little pearl under the hood is just the it we can see and feel directly. The whole thing is the shape and approx size of a chicken wishbone. Probably explains why the less intense but bigger area wand works for some. The vibes are getting through to the wishbone legs which also help stimulate you. The omgyes site explains how after your first O in a session you often need different areas stimulated afterwards to go again and be multiple O tastic! The clit nerves under your skin link to your gspot too, so hitting both together can be explosive. Baby steps though

Yes! Many don't realise just how expansive the clitoris actually is. The nub is just the tip of the iceberg.

I have never really liked vibrators, I don't like the feel of them, particularly internally. I bought a magic wand and it was a huge revelation as it not only gives me clitoral orgasms, but vaginal orgasms too (even though it is not used internally). Buying a magic wand coincided with the time I read about how the clitoris actually is. The orgasms I have with a magic wand are so strong that I am able to feel how the clitoral tissue is wrapped around the vaginal canal, and how it moves at climax.

@FeminismIsForALLWomen - No he doesn’t communicate well, after arguments he would give me the silent treatment until I’d confront him, it got to the point where I told him it’s no longer acceptable and if it carried on, then I would be prepared to leave. He has improved on the communication front, as in he won’t give me the silent treatment but just chooses to walk away now, which isn’t ideal either really. I think this is one of the reasons I haven’t been as open as I’d like.

Clitoral atrophy is easily diagnosed by gp. My friend actually thought she was born without one but this isn't the case it's just gone away inside because it had no stimulation ever. There are treatments for it as I said before. Maybe speak to your doctor

@IndigoJewel

*agreyersky Really? In my experience a lot of arseholes are actually great in bed...poor sex have mainly had with blokes who are nice, but too wet (poor term in this thread)*

This is my experience too. The more of a dickhead the man is, the better he is in bed IMO 🤣

I tend to think this is a difference of how aroused you might be with someone vs how considerate and selfless someone might be in bed.

So I reckon a lot of women can actually feel turned on by the 'bad boys' no matter that they may not be especially considerate in bed - the arousal/ turn on level is enough to get the orgasms.

Whereas you might not be aroused so much by the 'nice' guys, but they will tend to take their time and considerately bring their partners to orgasm instead.

More than one way to skin a cat / get to orgasm I guess.

Oh I'm sorry to hear that @Lady08. It sounds like he's quite sensitive to what he perceives as criticism too which probably hasn't helped either. I'm quite sure that you can achieve orgasm on your own with enough time, but honestly I think the problems with your partner run deeper than that, and they may well be contributing to the mental block. Has he ever mentioned or been concerned about your lack of climax?

Iv never orgasmed with anyone is that normal ?

Hi OP, I recommend the Durex bullet vibrator - had my first orgasm with that after thinking it was never going to happen for me. Costs about a tenner and is small and discreet. Enjoy!

I never orgasmed until last year at the tender age of 35. I had no idea what I was missing and thought I must have.

I bought a greedy girl rabbit vibrator on a whim and oh my...I had beautiful orgasms with it. Absolutely amazing. It turns out I need a lot of clitoral stimulation and no one had ever tried hard enough.
Get to know your own body and experiment. With toys if you are comfortable. Look at lovehoney, read the reviews. A whole new world. Good luck x

What arouses you? To have an orgasm you need to be aroused. Women are told to relax - don't relax. Get tense. Get in touch with your needs.

Have a look at www.omgyes.com. It really helped me on the way.

Enjoying sex is one thing but what do you really like, what do you think about? Forget what male-driven porn and commercial interests would like you to believe about arousal. When have you been really, really turned on? When have you been so desperate for sex you would have done anything, and what got you there? Do you fantasise? What elements do your fantasies always contain? You? Others? Man? Woman? Multiples? Control? Sensual elements? Clothes? Nakedness? Movement types? Sounds? Smells? Settings?

Follow your arousal; chase it. Things that turned out to matter for me -
-sound; male voices, filthy words, breathing, groans, music. There's a thing called the Orgasm Sound Library - guess what, it only contains female voices. Useless for me. I imagine and I ask for speech from partners. I say things myself, it's hot.

• contrasts of texture and colour.
• LUBE. It makes everything better, with guys or solo. Yes organic lube from lovehoney is especially nice but tbh any old sex lube will do. Proper lube, not massage oil. Probably made more difference than anything else.
• Touching and getting to know my own genitals, when aroused, for long periods, like 90 minutes. I didn't do this, ever. Funnily enough, it made a difference when I did, especially with lube.

-fantasies of control. That's just my bag. Sub, dom, whatever. Not the commercial stuff which is all about buying kit, but just being told what to do, or instructing others.

If something seems too intense, you probably aren't aroused enough. Try again when you're more turned on.

Get a womaniser. It’s life changing! I’ve always struggled with orgasming and found vibrators either too weak or too intense. With a womaniser, I can orgasm in 2 minutes flat and can go again a few minutes later! It’s made me a lot more sensitive and has rekindled my sex drive.

I'd expect that NEVER on your own, or with another person , I'd not have a clue if that is common on not, but I'd expect not.

To get a better cross section of replies, you'd be better posting in AIBU. You'd probably want to check with MNHQ if it is OK (due to trolls, etc) and be careful on the phrasing. But it seems a genuine question and you'd get more feedback there.

Regardless of your DH, if you've NEVER got there yourself, it's probably a bit much to expect him to figure it out? But it seems like you are doing all the right things to try. Good luck!!

Regardless of your DH, if you've NEVER got there yourself, it's probably a bit much to expect him to figure it out?

@CourtAndSpark2 He isn't even really trying if he's not giving OP any foreplay though.