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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cannot sleep in same bed as dh

148 replies

Wakingup55643 · 19/02/2021 16:29

Aside from not wanting to sleep in the same bed, lots of background to this, I really can't sleep when he's there as he snores, he takes up most of the bed with his size, and he bounces around in the night meaning if I do get to sleep I just wake up again. I'm exhausted, so I've been sleeping in with my ds9 as there's nowhere else to go. It's not ideal obviously, he shouldn't have his mum in with him, but I need to sleep. Anyway, after a week of this with no reaction from dh, he had a go at me this morning. I told him I cannot sleep with him and I'm so tired, and his response was 'it's medical if you can't sleep, go to the doctors.' I sleep fine in the kids room, so it's not me! But he thinks I'm being unreasonable blaming him for his snoring, which I've told him I'm not blaming him as he clearly isn't doing it on purpose, but the fact is I can't sleep because of it! He insists I go to the doctors about it. He gets to fall asleep on the sofa when he's tired, I stay up til whenever with the kids even though I'm knackered. Am I supposed to just lie there in my bed awake all night? Or go and find somewhere else to sleep? I always feel like I'm in the wrong when we have our 'chats.' Is it me?!!

OP posts:
Throwntothewolves · 21/02/2021 11:37

There's nothing wrong with sleeping separately if you need to and have the space to do so. If you don't try ear plugs. Or separate single beds. There's no law that says couples must sleep in the same bed or they obviously don't care about each other. Do what you need to in order to get a decent night's sleep

VeganVeal · 21/02/2021 11:46

Kids have left home. Sperate rooms, visiting rights. Happy days!! I feel for you OP, I've been there

Nosejobent · 21/02/2021 15:46

@VeganVeal
Did you wait for kids to leave home as you weren’t comfortable with the message of parents in separate rooms or was it the lack of bedrooms?

Original poster
Wakingup55643 · 21/02/2021 15:57

I'm convinced he's gay, @sugarfreeblitz for many reasons. He wouldn't notice if I was going round with a bag over my head or tassles on my boobs. Anyway, I've just been out for a nine mile run and am feeling good about myself. One day someone's going to get the shag of their lives. And it won't be him.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 21/02/2021 17:17

@Wakingup55643 what are you waiting for to end the marriage? Is it far off sounds horrible for you and the DC tbh.

SoulofanAggron · 21/02/2021 17:22

One day someone's going to get the shag of their lives. And it won't be him.

Grin [grin Grin So, what's the plan?

Original poster
Wakingup55643 · 21/02/2021 18:22

I'm not sure what I'm waiting for, or what the plan is! I suppose it's the age old dilemma about how it's going to affect the kids. If I could guarantee they'd be ok, (and if I thought dh would be ok) then I'd just do it. I know I just need to do it. I think I'm trying to make things unpleasant for him at home, which is turning me into something I'm not, hoping he'll get sick of it and go. My counsellor rightly told me that is never going to happen, so I'll have to spell it out. I told him in Nov 19 that I was unhappy and that we would never ever have sex again as I didn't have those feelings for him, but that I wanted that in my life. Several conversations and tearful fights later, still here we are. Argh.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 21/02/2021 18:30

I think you need wake up and realise your DC are being damaged living in the current situation.

They are bought taught that it's ok to not talk to your life partner for 2 weeks 😳

The there is no love between life partners 😳

What kind of "marriage" do you want your DC to have in their futures? Hopefully one very different to what they are being shown by you and DH?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/02/2021 19:14

@RandomMess

I think you need wake up and realise your DC are being damaged living in the current situation.

They are bought taught that it's ok to not talk to your life partner for 2 weeks 😳

The there is no love between life partners 😳

What kind of "marriage" do you want your DC to have in their futures? Hopefully one very different to what they are being shown by you and DH?

All of this OP. You know for sure that the current situation is damaging for everyone involved. 100%. For you and your husband right now, for your children right now and also with likely effects in their futures.

You can never guarantee that change won't have potential negative effects, but that's no reason to stay in a situation that 100% is having negative effects now and lining them up for the future too.

One of you will have to be brave and it sounds like it's going to have to be you as he would otherwise just continue as you are now.

VeganVeal · 22/02/2021 10:01

@Nosejobent Just lack of bedrooms, kids know we have separate rooms. TBH I snore as well sometimes (I sure it sounds more like an angel sighing, rather than road roller), so it suits us both.

We still visit each other, and l can ensure DH gets left with the wet patch

SugarfreeBlitz · 22/02/2021 10:45

@Wakingup55643

I'm convinced he's gay, *@sugarfreeblitz* for many reasons. He wouldn't notice if I was going round with a bag over my head or tassles on my boobs. Anyway, I've just been out for a nine mile run and am feeling good about myself. One day someone's going to get the shag of their lives. And it won't be him.
Ok! Glad you feel good! Focus on building your self esteem and you'll find you're a lot less tolerant to BS. When you're out running, smile at other runners and strike up natural conversations. It will make you feel good and you never know who you'll meet. When you do meet someone you'll be very fit! Grin
Landofthefree · 22/02/2021 12:01

@Wakingup55643 you must be so tempted to shove his head in that bloody George Foreman grill when he snores! Smile

If you want to divorce him you don’t need anyone’s permission. While there are no guarantees about how your DCs will be affected by a split, have you thought about how they will feel knowing you stayed because of them? Don’t sacrifice being happy because of not wanting to upset them. They will already be very aware of how toxic their home life is.

Original poster
Wakingup55643 · 22/02/2021 12:08

Lol @Landofthefree I don't know how many times I've typed out the words George Foreman grill on this flippen forum!!!! I'm sick of the sight and thought of it, and it's still in the box!!
Yes, @SugarfreeBlitz I do feel like my self esteem is growing. And I do smile at the other runners Wink

OP posts:
SugarfreeBlitz · 22/02/2021 13:10

Smiling is so good! Grin I'm glad your self esteem is growing!

ProfessorInkling · 22/02/2021 18:14

In what way do you think separating will damage your children?

I’m separated and my children see me relaxed and happy. I think that’s pretty good for them tbh.

I do know you’re not being at all inflammatory by the way, my tone here is friendly too, but do you think my kids are worse off than yours? Just based on the relationship status of their respective parents, of course Smile

Don’t be a martyr, they will not thank you for it.

Making that final decision is hard. But so too is living that shit. Choose your hard.

Original poster
Wakingup55643 · 22/02/2021 18:25

Not at all @ProfessorInkling I see children all around who are happier with their parents living apart, I really do know that divorce is not failure, it's a choice to stop feeling unhappy. Why can't I get it through my head that it's completely doable?! I'm missing chances of happiness here, for what? For what? To sit here in the bathroom in tears? This is not what I want! ;(

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/02/2021 18:34

Fear of the unknown!!!

Knowing he will be difficult and nasty about it??

He has done a number on your self esteem and will bad mouth you?

You're a people pleaser and if only you did xyz it would work?

ProfessorInkling · 22/02/2021 18:39

Oh I didn’t mean to upset you. I meant it when I said my tone was friendly.

What are your barriers? You can overcome them. And there’s no rush, no time limit on figuring it out.

I’m still excited to be ‘free’ two years after separation but it took me a long time to be ready. I went back and forth on the idea for years. There’s nothing wrong with you, you’re not missing a chance for happiness, it’s waiting for you, it won’t pass.

Original poster
Wakingup55643 · 22/02/2021 21:34

Aw you didn't upset me at all @ProfessorInkling I was already having some silly tears, and it just coincided.
The tears were from feeling like time is racing by and feeling so lonely. I know it's good to be free and have time on your own, but omg I need a man. I need sex. I need a loving adult relationship. I need comfort. [Flowers]

OP posts:
Original poster
Wakingup55643 · 22/02/2021 21:34

Lol! I wanted a picture of flowers! I tried.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/02/2021 21:49

The loneliest place is a lonely relationship. Being truly single is less lonely.

Bizarre but true!

ProfessorInkling · 22/02/2021 22:06

There are decent men out there that want and need those things too.

The loneliness I felt with my ex was the most depressing I’ve experienced. It’s a constant display of what you don’t have.

oil0W0lio · 22/02/2021 22:40

@Aquamarine1029

He's the one who needs a doctor. He's on a fast track to a heart attack.
She would get the bed to herself then👀
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