Cannot sleep in same bed as dh

[Wakingup55643]

Aside from not wanting to sleep in the same bed, lots of background to this, I really can't sleep when he's there as he snores, he takes up most of the bed with his size, and he bounces around in the night meaning if I do get to sleep I just wake up again. I'm exhausted, so I've been sleeping in with my ds9 as there's nowhere else to go. It's not ideal obviously, he shouldn't have his mum in with him, but I need to sleep. Anyway, after a week of this with no reaction from dh, he had a go at me this morning. I told him I cannot sleep with him and I'm so tired, and his response was 'it's medical if you can't sleep, go to the doctors.' I sleep fine in the kids room, so it's not me! But he thinks I'm being unreasonable blaming him for his snoring, which I've told him I'm not blaming him as he clearly isn't doing it on purpose, but the fact is I can't sleep because of it! He insists I go to the doctors about it. He gets to fall asleep on the sofa when he's tired, I stay up til whenever with the kids even though I'm knackered. Am I supposed to just lie there in my bed awake all night? Or go and find somewhere else to sleep? I always feel like I'm in the wrong when we have our 'chats.' Is it me?!!

@bombastical

Sleep deprivation is used as a torture device for a reason. You need sleep! It’s as simple as that. Bed sharing is misogynistic. It’s always to the detriment of the woman. Time to stand up ladies or lie down (in a different room)

All of this. ^ As I said, some men get really arsey when 'their woman' dares to suggest they sleep separately, and some people (men and women) think it shows a problem in the relationship.

Even MY husband sulked when I moved into my own room some 20 years ago, but then he realised after a month or two, that he was no longer getting jabbed in the ribs, or kicked in the shins, or poked and prodded and told to SHUT THE F UP! Also, he was able to make the master room his own, (and stick all his 'hobby stuff and collectibles' in there,) so was as happy a as pig in muck after a couple of months.

As a pp said, it's all lovely and romantic and cute to cuddle up and snuggle and shag in the middle of the night when you first meet, and you're in your 20s, and full of youth and energy.

But when you're a bit older, and you've had a decade or more of a man hogging the duvet, kicking and prodding you, putting his cold feet on you, breathing heavy, snoring loudly, grunting and coughing, and pumping out stinky farts half the night, (whilst often taking up 2/3 of the bed space,) all the romance and loveliness dies a death.

It is simply not practicable to share a bed with someone else long term.

In addition, many of the upper classes and wealthy have separate bedrooms, right from the start of their marriage. It does seem to be only the working classes and lower middle classes who think it's odd/wrong...

You already have enough grounds to divorce on unreasonable behaviour so what is stopping you starting the ball rolling?

I agree, a George Foreman grill doesn't in any way make up for ignoring the things you are struggling with! Even if he cleaned his teeth , used something to stop the snore and you had a non roll together bed with separate sleeping areas would you still want to sleep with him? Or do you just hate the sight and sound of him?

I bought my partner an anti snore pillow and it worked wonders. There is stuff you can do for Restless legs and snoring.

In answer to the person who asked why I wouldn't be happy to have separate rooms, it's because I'm not done having a sex life and I think a lot of the opportunity (and certainly spontaneity) would be gone if you aren't in the same room. I think it's more likely that a neglected man will turn to Porn , online "activities" and even cheating if he feels unwanted.

You deserve more than this OP and so do your children - they deserve to see healthy relationship behaviour modelled to them. I didn't realise other people's parents liked each other, laughed together, were affectionate etc when I was young.

So during my teens and twenties, my bar for a relationship was very low and I thought that if there wasn't abuse you just sort of 'had to' make it work. I know it sounds harsh but the longer your children are living in a house with an unhappy couple, the more likely they are to replicate that in their own adult relationships.

This is one of my main worries @youvegottenminuteslynn that they never see a proper couple in the house and won't know what it's like to have a normal loving relationship for themselves. I'm caught between this and not wanting to break up the family. I really don't know which is more damaging. He's trying to be nice tonight, maybe he's realised he shouldn't have said what he did yesterday. By nice, I mean civil conversation. Is that the best I can hope for in the next 30 years? I want to be wanted and loved and damn well f*ed. Not this nothingness. If it wasn't for the kids I would have been off years ago. Next Tuesday it will be 10 years without sex! Happy anniversary. . .

10 years without sex, it doesn't talk to you for 2 weeks, he thinks you should be grateful for buying a kitchen appliance you probably didn't want...

What "family" are you breaking up?

When is your self esteem so low that you think his treatment of you is acceptable?

How would you feel if your DS treated their partner the way he treats you?

He's awful OP.

And maybe I'm hung up on it but I don't get the teeth thing- how hard is it to brush at night?

Definitely leave. How sad that you can remember the date 10 years ago when you last had sex.

I wish you many good shaftings in future.

Do you think he is a genuinely nice, kind person?

Do you find him attractive?

Do you feel you invest equal emotional energy in your relationship and your parenting?

Would you want your children to replicate your relationship with their partners when they're adults?

You aren't breaking up a family if you split up with your husband. Your children still have two parents and their focus will be on coparenting them rather than walking on eggshells and feeling like they're in a pressure cooker.

As someone who has been the child in this sort of family home, it was much more damaging that my parents stayed together 'for my sake' until I turned 18. I then felt simultaneously guilty they had both been miserable on my account and angry that I had missed out on seeing them both happy separately as single people / with new partners - leaving me with no positive relationship modelling going into adulthood.

Don't buy into the 'broken home' fallacy - it's a terrible term that only serves to keep women in unhappy, unhealthy relationships and stigmatise children whose parents happen to not be a couple anymore.

If you have a 9yr old son how is it 10yrs without sex?

Two singles. Earplugs. Sorted.

@sadie9 I guess from when he was conceived... +9 months pregnancy = 10 years?

@sadie9 That was the day he was conceived! He's 9 and a quarter. Can't quite believe sometimes I haven't had sex since I was 34 :(

It seems like the general consensus is either a sofabed in the lounge or single beds are required.

Separate bedrooms do not lead to divorce. We've had them for 12 years.

My husband snores, talks rubbish in his sleep, kicks his legs about and grinds his teeth. Separate bedrooms was the best decision I made to stop me going insane from sleep deprivation.

@youvegottenminuteslynn Maybe, no, no and no. And yes I do know it's better to have two happy parents in different homes, but it still doesn't make it feel realistic for me to go through with it. My friends and family (and you lot!) must feel like you're banging your heads against a brick wall trying to convince me the best thing is to end it. I know it is! I want to be happy. And I want my kids to be happy. I want him to be happy.

@soulofanaggron Thank you for the shafting wishes :)

I'm a really light sleeper and my husband talks and moves about in his sleep loads so it was a big issue for us. Now we have a memory foam mattress that doesnt move on my side when he is moving on his.. and we have a super king sized bed and honestly its saved our marriage.
I was going to recommend this or putting a single bed for you in the bedroom with ur husband and playing rain sounds to cover his snoring.
But actually reading your further posts I just think you should leave this arsehole... you don't sleep well because he's a massive dickhead basically. Please don't waste anymore of your life with this man you deserve better... even being alone would be better wouldn't it?

[quote Wakingup55643]**@youvegottenminuteslynn* Maybe, no, no and no. And yes I do know it's better to have two happy parents in different homes, but it still doesn't make it feel realistic for me to go through with it. My friends and family (and you lot!) must feel like you're banging your heads against a brick wall trying to convince me the best thing is to end it. I know it is! I want to be happy. And I want my kids to be happy. I want him* to be happy.[/quote]
You shouldn't ever feel pushed into anything on here. I just think it's important to really consider the longer lasting impact of staying together vs the safety net of the status quo (which is actually damaging in itself). I appreciate it's really tough, but as you say - you aren't happy and neither is he. And I don't think kids have a fair shot of knowing what a happy relationship can and should look like when they grow up in that environment. I wish my parents had split so much sooner, but appreciate I am projecting my own experiences as we all do!

Don't your DC deserve a happier Mum than the one you have now?

His behaviour is so disrespectful!! Not speaking to you for 2 weeks - emotional abuse no ifs no buts

Most barriers to leaving can be overcome, when you are ready. But ten years is a long time. I left in a similar state after five years of joylessness and haven’t had one minute of regret. For me a key moment was seeing my son watching my friend and her husband enjoy a light playful interaction when her H came in from work. I realised the look on my sons face was bewilderment. He had no idea that other people showed affection to one another like that. It was a wake up call.

ten years is a long time

Clearly I’m not as tolerant as you OP. We go through periods with my husband snoring like a train lying on his back. I wake him and tell him to sleep on his side. When it gets too bad. He sleeps in the spare room to give me a decent night’s sleep. I think he quite likes this as he can snore and fart til his hearts content 😂.

When we first got married he would roll into bed without brushing his teeth etc. which I found gross as he had exercised in the evening and was all sweaty. I pointed this out and he now routinely showers and brush teeth before bed.

Your husband sounds quite huffy. And the George Foreman Grill. Fuck right off with that ‘gift’. Again I realise I’m clearly not very tolerant as I also wouldn’t tolerate the no speaking crap. I’m quite direct so I just say what I think. Always. If my husband has been particularly noisy with snoring, in the morning I say I’ve had a fucking terrible sleep because of your snoring! He apologises. We just say what we think to each other. When I was younger I was much more tolerant of partners and much less likely to say what I thought. Maybe it’s an age thing. I married in my forties. I just don’t tolerate shit anymore 😂. It’s quite liberating. My husband says he prefers my direct talking as previous partners would be huffy and he would have to guess what he had done wrong. None of that palava with me. I tell him straight and he does with me now too. So much more straightforward but it took me years to get to this with men. Years of putting their needs first.

Sometimes I feel a bit sorry for my husband that he met me at a time in my life where my tolerance for man farting, snoring, minging habits was long gone. I think I got to the stage in life that I no longer was willing to tiptoe round a man like they were somehow superior.

Sorry OP just read the rest of your updates. Snoring issue is one one factor. Sounds like you are both unhappy with each other. Surely you deserve more than this in life. Think about your needs here. Good luck x

Is he a lot older? He might have a lack of testosterone?
If you want to save your relationship and he is willing to talk to his Dr, it could save your marriage (and your sex life) if he had testosterone replacement.
He could be gay, but equally he could just be low sexed, or mainly asexual. Either way, you are a woman in your prime and have needs that if he does not address, it's not a loving relationship.

Good god, OP. Leave. Life is too short. Be happy - model that and independence to your child, which is far better than a dysfunctional marriage to an abusive man.

OP I have the same problem. Add in the vile smelling and loud farts.

Super king size bed, separate duvets and ear plugs. If you don't have enough space for a super king, could you get two single beds?

Your DP sounds obnoxious, at least mine recognises he is difficult to sleep with.