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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cannot sleep in same bed as dh

148 replies

Wakingup55643 · 19/02/2021 16:29

Aside from not wanting to sleep in the same bed, lots of background to this, I really can't sleep when he's there as he snores, he takes up most of the bed with his size, and he bounces around in the night meaning if I do get to sleep I just wake up again. I'm exhausted, so I've been sleeping in with my ds9 as there's nowhere else to go. It's not ideal obviously, he shouldn't have his mum in with him, but I need to sleep. Anyway, after a week of this with no reaction from dh, he had a go at me this morning. I told him I cannot sleep with him and I'm so tired, and his response was 'it's medical if you can't sleep, go to the doctors.' I sleep fine in the kids room, so it's not me! But he thinks I'm being unreasonable blaming him for his snoring, which I've told him I'm not blaming him as he clearly isn't doing it on purpose, but the fact is I can't sleep because of it! He insists I go to the doctors about it. He gets to fall asleep on the sofa when he's tired, I stay up til whenever with the kids even though I'm knackered. Am I supposed to just lie there in my bed awake all night? Or go and find somewhere else to sleep? I always feel like I'm in the wrong when we have our 'chats.' Is it me?!!

OP posts:
violetbunny · 19/02/2021 21:25

If he refuses to see that he is the issue, then he should be the one to sleep on the couch. I think you need to get angry here because you do need sleep and he is refusing to see there is even a problem, let alone do anything about it. I would be telling him your marriage cannot survive unless you a) are able to sleep and b) he shows some basic consideration to your needs. He's being selfish and stubborn.

He needs to see a doctor to find out the cause of the snoring. Nasal strips won't work for everyone as it depends on the actual cause. He also needs to brush his teeth every night.

Original poster
Wakingup55643 · 19/02/2021 22:02

Thanks everyone. He gets so defensive when I mention the teeth thing. In fact, anything I say, I get "oh so it's all my fault then" dramatics. Even when I pull him up about never coming to join in playing out with the kids, he says it's because I don't invite him to. Wtf. As you might be able to tell, I'm not exactly very happy. Possibly my sleeping in another bed / anywhere else is me trying to tell him I don't want to be anywhere near him. I realise hinting is not good enough. I do. Just hanging on for the moment I snap.

OP posts:
SoulofanAggron · 19/02/2021 22:24

He gets so defensive when I mention the teeth thing

@Wakingup55643 Why, when he could brush his teeth? Or does he claim he has brushed them?

As to you going to the docs, he should for his obesity, as he could be verging on having sleep apnoea or something.

His actions are annoying and his attitude is annoying.

I suggest a sofa bed as PP's have. But I think perhaps it's worth assessing whether this man is tolerable. What are the pros and cons of him as a person? Are there any pros?

RandomMess · 19/02/2021 22:36

Start putting your energies into divorcing.

He has clearly opted out!

violetbunny · 19/02/2021 22:38

Oh OP, I feel for you. You sound like you've reached the end of your tether. The more you post about him, the more it sounds like this is just one element of his selfish behaviour and lack of consideration for anyone but himself. If I were you, I would certainly be spelling it out for him that he either steps up or ships out.

harknesswitch · 19/02/2021 22:57

When he says oh so it's all my fault then I think I'd reply with 'yes it is actually, and you choose not to do anything to resolve the situation'

Original poster
Wakingup55643 · 19/02/2021 23:23

@violetbunny yes it is just one more thing. But he always manages to make me feel like it's my fault for everything. He hasn't spoken to me for a couple of weeks, and he admitted this morning that this is all because I didn't show any appreciation for the George Foreman grill he randomly bought me. Apparently he makes an effort with things and I throw it back in his face. And when he says this, I find myself thinking he's right. Then later, always later, I think why didn't I give him a list of all of the efforts I make, and all the things he does not do. I think maybe I should write it all down as I always crumble in an argument. I did stand my ground this morning (while trying to get ready and not be late for work) but he flounced off as if I'm making everything terrible. But now tonight he's showing an interest in the kids, trying to be cheerful, so it looks like he's the good guy and I'm the angry one.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 19/02/2021 23:24

Yes, it is his fault. His oral hygiene is shit, plus he snores so you can’t sleep. This is him, not you. Can you get a sofa bed in the lounge? At least then, one of you can sleep there in peace.

Cherrysoup · 19/02/2021 23:26

Hold up, cross posted with your latest post, OP. He hasn’t spoken to you for a couple of weeks?! I’m sorry, this is not a relationship, it’s a dictatorship. Are you going to carry on like this?? Imagine your life in 20 years-him not talking, you walking on eggshells? Seriously?

category12 · 19/02/2021 23:26

The silent treatment is actually an emotionally abusive behaviour - it's not normal to be with someone who doesn't speak to you for weeks.

Ragwort · 19/02/2021 23:32

Nosejo I doubt anyone cares that my DH & I sleep separately- our teenage DS is very aware that we have separate bedrooms, we rarely have guests but my DB has stayed & makes no comment, I wouldn't care if anyone did make a comment... I know we are lucky to have the space but I just find it impossible to sleep in the same room as my DH ... it's one of the downsides of going on holiday ... I try and book s/c & one of us sleeps on the sofa, or at the very least get twin beds. I am honestly amazed at how many couples do manage to sleep in the same bed.

RandomMess · 19/02/2021 23:35

He's an emotionally abusive dick!!!

Stop wasting your time with him.

alpenguin · 19/02/2021 23:51

Can you record his snoring on your phone for him to hear how bad it is?

My partner ended up being given a mouth guard thing from the hospital because of his snoring and he sleeps on a sofa bed downstairs. I miss having him here but it’s too distracting

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/02/2021 00:03

This isn't actually about the sleep. It's about him having a lack of respect, care or courtesy for you and leaving you to do all the emotional labour in the family and relationship while he dips in and out to do the fun bits when he can be arsed eg being good guy with the kids tonight.

This isn't a healthy or happy relationship and you deserve one of those. Your children deserve to see one of those as they are learning from you that this is what relationships and parenting look like - the longer they see it, the more likely they are to replicate it themselves.

longtompot · 20/02/2021 00:03

I find the problem with sleeping with a snorer, you are half expecting the snoring to start, so you can't sleep, and in fact are more awake as you are on alert. Then the snoring starts and you can't get to sleep because of it. I find if I can get to sleep before my dh came to bed it can help me get to the fast asleep stage and I'd not wake up. But, I really do feel for you op, esp with the not brushing his teeth. Urgh! He needs to take responsibility for his actions, and not try and put them on you.

Just reading your last few posts, he sounds like he is being a martyr.

AintPageantMaterial · 20/02/2021 00:21

What are his good points? What do you get out of this relationship? And I do mean YOU, not your children?
From what you’ve posted so far it does look as though you might be happier without him.

PADH · 20/02/2021 00:26

Me and DH have slept separately since we've lived together for this reason. I couldn't be married to him otherwise.

sadie9 · 20/02/2021 00:51

The problem is though regardless of your issues with your husband is that you are making your DS9 your ally by sleeping in his room.
That is making your DH feel pushed out.
Hence his comment about not being invited. He feels excluded and demoted.
I guarantee if you continue to share a room with your son for a considerable time, that conflict will arise between that son and your DH. Your son needs to stay neutral, so sleep on the sofa or get earplugs.

Nogardenersworld · 20/02/2021 01:34

Just wake him up every time he starts
Every.single.time.

Any time he thrashes around
Any time he snores

After a couple of days he’ll start to see things from your side.

I’m not clear why he gets to fall asleep on the sofa whilst you’re stuck looking after the kids though.
Are they not his children? Does he not live there?

Nogardenersworld · 20/02/2021 01:37

Read yourself update

Why are you waiting for him to speak to you, for weeks.
That’s not a normal way to live.
He then initiate an argument at a time to suit him and when he’s prepped for it.

So you go away, prep your own argument
And then you can go back and say I’ve been thinking about what you said...

However, sounds like you need to LTB so it’s probably not worth the argument

earthyfire · 20/02/2021 01:46

I feel your pain. I had the same issue with my husband snoring every night, the sleep derivation was driving me mad, I couldn't function during the day. Some nights DH would end up sleeping in one of our children's rooms because I physically couldn't function with the sleepless nights. Eventually he went to the doctors and was then referred to a sleep apnea clinic. He now wears a mask connected to a sleep apnea machine. However the machine is noisy so I still can't sleep and so we are converting the home office into a spare room.

earthyfire · 20/02/2021 01:46
  • sleep deprivation
Chloemol · 20/02/2021 01:47

Record the snoring, video him sleeping across the bed so there is no room for you

Get a sofa bed in the lounge and he can sleep there

itwillbehormones · 20/02/2021 01:56

My DH has been sleeping separately for about a year now, he hates it, I love it.. he snores and keeps me awake so I booted him out of the bed until he sorts his snoring.. he uses the sofa and try's to guilt me but I refuse to feel guilty, he's done nothing about the issue.

violetbunny · 20/02/2021 03:51

[quote Wakingup55643]@violetbunny yes it is just one more thing. But he always manages to make me feel like it's my fault for everything. He hasn't spoken to me for a couple of weeks, and he admitted this morning that this is all because I didn't show any appreciation for the George Foreman grill he randomly bought me. Apparently he makes an effort with things and I throw it back in his face. And when he says this, I find myself thinking he's right. Then later, always later, I think why didn't I give him a list of all of the efforts I make, and all the things he does not do. I think maybe I should write it all down as I always crumble in an argument. I did stand my ground this morning (while trying to get ready and not be late for work) but he flounced off as if I'm making everything terrible. But now tonight he's showing an interest in the kids, trying to be cheerful, so it looks like he's the good guy and I'm the angry one.[/quote]

A good relationship is one where both of your needs are met.

Right now, he is not listening to your needs. In fact, he is steamrollering right over the top of them. Yes, he may have bought you a George Foreman grill, thinking it was something you would like Hmm But the point is, it not fucking well what you need Angry. He is not listening to what you need, and he sure as hell isn't doing anything about that. And it's absolutely OK to be angry about that.