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Original poster

Cannot sleep in same bed as dh

148 replies

Wakingup55643 · 19/02/2021 16:29

Aside from not wanting to sleep in the same bed, lots of background to this, I really can't sleep when he's there as he snores, he takes up most of the bed with his size, and he bounces around in the night meaning if I do get to sleep I just wake up again. I'm exhausted, so I've been sleeping in with my ds9 as there's nowhere else to go. It's not ideal obviously, he shouldn't have his mum in with him, but I need to sleep. Anyway, after a week of this with no reaction from dh, he had a go at me this morning. I told him I cannot sleep with him and I'm so tired, and his response was 'it's medical if you can't sleep, go to the doctors.' I sleep fine in the kids room, so it's not me! But he thinks I'm being unreasonable blaming him for his snoring, which I've told him I'm not blaming him as he clearly isn't doing it on purpose, but the fact is I can't sleep because of it! He insists I go to the doctors about it. He gets to fall asleep on the sofa when he's tired, I stay up til whenever with the kids even though I'm knackered. Am I supposed to just lie there in my bed awake all night? Or go and find somewhere else to sleep? I always feel like I'm in the wrong when we have our 'chats.' Is it me?!!

OP posts:
category12 · 19/02/2021 18:21

Stop letting him sleep on the sofa during the day/evenings - start hoovering or something.

Get rid of the double bed and get single beds.

Insist he goes to the doctor about his snoring. Perhaps make an agreement that you will also get an appointment if he does.

harknesswitch · 19/02/2021 18:23

He sounds like an absolute prince. I think I'd be buying a decent spare bed and moving into your ds room.

If he has a strip tell him you'll move back into the bed when he loses a few stone, stops snoring and brushes his teeth. End of conversation

NiceTwin · 19/02/2021 18:35

It's a shame you don't have room to have a separate bedroom, as you say, yout ds will be at an age where he won't want you in with him.
Have you room downstairs to sleep?

My dh and I have slept apart for 20 years, married 18. Honestly, it is the best thing ever not having our sleep disturbed by each other.

Crystalvas · 19/02/2021 18:57

Oh OP feel sorry for you. My OH and I sleep separetly as it is I who snores and he cant sleep with that. However we have a great relationship besides that. I understand I’m the reason he can’t sleep. You DP needs to understand hes the reason you can’t sleep. He needs to visit his GP he could have sleep apnoea. Have you noticed him snoreing and stopping for a few seconds before snoreing again?

1forAll74 · 19/02/2021 18:58

I would rather sleep on the sofa,than with a snoring over weight blobby man.

Disressingtimes · 19/02/2021 19:02

I feel your pain. DH has, finally, moved into the spare room. I’ve spent years exhausted, wearing earplugs, playing white noise to drown his snoring out. I actually put up with the snoring but the restless legs have finished bed sharing as far as I’m concerned.
he snores, he takes up most of the bed with his size
If he isn’t prepared to lose weight (& give up alcohol if he drinks) then he is the reason you don’t sleep with him. The lack of teeth brushing is totally gross.

floofycroissant · 19/02/2021 19:05

My DF snored, we think sleep apnoea and way too much alcohol. He refused to see it as an issue, didn't give a shit really. And my DM just stuck it out. Ended up on heavy duty sleeping tablets and blood pressure just to exist Since the divorce she takes neither.

Can you imagine, letting your partner drug themselves in order to live with you . It makes me so angry just thinking about how selfishness.

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 19/02/2021 19:08

DH and I have this conversation a lot, the difference is that he is perfectly aware of his snoring, is seeking medical help for it, recognises that it causes me distress. And of course I can see that it causes him distress too. Pushing it back onto the other person doesn't work...

There are solutions - getting two single beds and putting them together means you each have your own mattress. We recently bought a king size with a really, really good mattress that doesn't roll down and now I know the difference that makes, the minute it starts to roll down it will get replaced. DH has a mouth guard too and is on the waiting list for the sleep clinic. It's possible to make adjustments but he has to do want to.

But to be honest, if my DH routinely came to bed without brushing his teeth he would be my Ex in a heartbeat. What a pig.

Brawsome · 19/02/2021 19:25

Nobody ever mentions the vibrations caused by snoring. Even with ear plugs, you can’t really escape that sensation.

Nosejobent · 19/02/2021 19:31

for the people who sleep separately, what if anything, do you tell your children?
and what about visitors? would you do this when having overnight visitors?

Bluntness100 · 19/02/2021 19:34

@Nosejobent

for the people who sleep separately, what if anything, do you tell your children? and what about visitors? would you do this when having overnight visitors?
You write like that something shameful is hidden. Just say other parent snores. No biggie. And I’d guess they only do it when visitors there if they have the space.
Nosejobent · 19/02/2021 19:46

That’s exactly what I’m trying to figure out, is it something hidden from children and visitors or are they upfront about it as it’s no big deal.

SomersetHamlyn · 19/02/2021 19:48

My husband snores. I used to think that was bad.

Then he developed something called Periodic Leg Movement Disorder. He kicks/jerks/twitches his legs and feet, approximately every 30 seconds, for HOURS on end. The whole bed shakes. It's totally fucking unbearable. I'd take snoring any time over this. He won't take medication, understandably, because it doesn't affect his sleep. Just mine.

SomersetHamlyn · 19/02/2021 19:49

@Disressingtimes Just seen your reference to 'restless legs'. Does your husband also do the leg kicking/twitching/jerking thing? It's called Periodic Leg Movement Disorder and it's the worst fucking thing in the world - not for them, for us.

fallfallfall · 19/02/2021 20:00

Just tell people who ask, that you’re a lighter sleeper and his tossing wakes you up. Sleeping separately isn’t that unusual, now or historically and developers often do floor plans with two master bedrooms. Surely your son who is 9 would easily understand mummy can’t sleep with him forever.
And those who question the twin beds would question sleeping on the couch equally.

Tana433 · 19/02/2021 20:01

Me and OH had seperate rooms as soon as eldest DS moved out and its the best thing we ever did. I snore, he twitches and grinds his teeth! Now i go to bed when i want. If i want to read or watch the laptop til all hours that is exactly what i do. I think it has saved our marriage frankly!

floofycroissant · 19/02/2021 20:04

@Nosejobent

for the people who sleep separately, what if anything, do you tell your children? and what about visitors? would you do this when having overnight visitors?
Tell them to fuck off. Who cares what others think, and be up front with your children. Your DF is an inconsiderate sleeper, so we sleep apart. Plenty of couple choose to to do so without any issues. Sleep is so vital for health
3beesinmybonnet · 19/02/2021 20:13

Having 2 singles next to each other means vibration from snoring isn't a problem. Just don't have the mattresses pushed tight together.

As for what will other people say you don't have to tell them, you don't have to show people your bedroom and you can have a king size cover over the whole lot during the day.
If you have to sleep in a separate room because it's so bad I would say it's really nobody else's business. I believe there are far more couples in this situation than admit to it. Im old enough now not to care what people say though Smile

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/02/2021 20:25

What possible reason can he give you for not brushing his teeth each night? It's a sign of him just not giving a shit, surely?

EKGEMS · 19/02/2021 20:35

My husband had severe OSA with terribly loud snoring. I lost my shit one night screaming at him while he was sound asleep-not proud of it but lack of sleep drove me to irrational anger. He saw his GP then a pulmonologist who ordered a sleep study-severe,life threatening OSA-he wears a CPAP machine and I can actually sleep with him in the same bed. You have to adjust to the relatively minor noise the machine makes. I know here they sell king size mattresses that are split so you aren't affected by the other person movement and weight on the mattress

SugarfreeBlitz · 19/02/2021 20:37

I would be afraid that having separate rooms will eventually end up in divorce, so I'd suggest getting two single beds and pushing them together, him wearing a nasal snore strip and you wearing earplugs.

Two separate beds will stop his movements bothering you. Or you can get double beds with two separate sides that mean you can't feel what the other side is doing because each have their own sleep area.

MarmedukeDuke · 19/02/2021 20:41

2 singles (or those single and a half size beds) pushed together with a 2inch gap is a good idea, so he can't encroach or disturb you as much with his movements, and it won't seem as bad to the kids as 2 completely separate beds.

And if the kids do ask perhaps you should very matter of factly say "because daddy is a fat snoring bed hog who doesn't brush his teeth".

floofycroissant · 19/02/2021 20:50

@SugarfreeBlitz

I would be afraid that having separate rooms will eventually end up in divorce, so I'd suggest getting two single beds and pushing them together, him wearing a nasal snore strip and you wearing earplugs.

Two separate beds will stop his movements bothering you. Or you can get double beds with two separate sides that mean you can't feel what the other side is doing because each have their own sleep area.

Why on earth would separate bedrooms lead to divorce? I'd expect the opposite in this situation.
4amWitchingHour · 19/02/2021 20:59

Do you have the funds to buy a new bed? One with two separate mattress sections? That would solve some of the problem, but he needs to deal with the snoring, and not cleaning teeth before bed is horrible!

RandomMess · 19/02/2021 21:06

There is no point buying a new bed until the horrific snoring and bad breath are resolved Confused

We had separate duvets and mattresses to deal with the duvet hogging and thrashing and turning over but when the snoring started OMG I nearly killed him.

I woke him up every-time he woke me, after a week he retreated to the spare room in the single bed and harmony was restored!

He has since lost weight and the noise is no longer awful from the spare room but we now both prefer sleeping soundly apart 😂

Love the idea of snuggling up together but the reality is so disappointing!