Cannot sleep in same bed as dh

[Wakingup55643]

Aside from not wanting to sleep in the same bed, lots of background to this, I really can't sleep when he's there as he snores, he takes up most of the bed with his size, and he bounces around in the night meaning if I do get to sleep I just wake up again. I'm exhausted, so I've been sleeping in with my ds9 as there's nowhere else to go. It's not ideal obviously, he shouldn't have his mum in with him, but I need to sleep. Anyway, after a week of this with no reaction from dh, he had a go at me this morning. I told him I cannot sleep with him and I'm so tired, and his response was 'it's medical if you can't sleep, go to the doctors.' I sleep fine in the kids room, so it's not me! But he thinks I'm being unreasonable blaming him for his snoring, which I've told him I'm not blaming him as he clearly isn't doing it on purpose, but the fact is I can't sleep because of it! He insists I go to the doctors about it. He gets to fall asleep on the sofa when he's tired, I stay up til whenever with the kids even though I'm knackered. Am I supposed to just lie there in my bed awake all night? Or go and find somewhere else to sleep? I always feel like I'm in the wrong when we have our 'chats.' Is it me?!!

Sleep deprivation is used as a torture device for a reason. You need sleep! It’s as simple as that. Bed sharing is misogynistic. It’s always to the detriment of the woman. Time to stand up ladies or lie down (in a different room)

So his weight issue and snoring are your problem? Nice.

For issues far less than this, I have spent the time since having kids sleeping on my own. I can’t be doing with all the pissing in the nights and snorting they all do. I love shutting my door at night!

We slept in the same bed (I'm recently widowed) but not a normal double bed- I don't know how long term relationships survive a normal double bed- we had a super king size bed, so big that we each had our own separate area in which we could stretch out like star fish if we wanted to. I think tiny double beds are a weird British quirk. In America it's twin beds and in many European countries it's two mattresses, often double ones, in the same bed frame.

DP and I have always slept in separate rooms—it’s the only way we can get decent sleep. We have a lovely relationship plus active sex life. For us it’s normal. Never be guilt tripped into sacrificing your sleep. And don’t feel you have to medicate yourself! Your only problem is your DH’s attitude. He needs to get over himself.

There is evidence that lack of sleep over a long period is a cause of dementia. Possibly a significant one.
Maybe why more women get dementia
You have to protect your sleep whatever happens- even if he won’t protect his
Sleeping in separate rooms for 10 years now- I don’t try to hide it from anyone

I feel for you op.. I had the same problem with an ex. Film him sleeping, record the snoring then Ask him if he really does expect you to put up with loud snoring, bouncing around and other gross things he does. Does he really expect you to sleep through it ??

If he really doesn’t understand then get a sofa bed in the lounge and insist that HE sleeps on it. Why should you be put out when it’s him that’s a selfish bed hogging snoring pig that refuses to see your problem !

If you can't sleep next to him, you can't. It becomes almost an allergic reaction, I know!

But ... how close are you physically? Finding it impossible to lie next to them can show a more general physical rejection of them.

It is also a question of compatibility. I couldn't sleep at all in the same room as my ex. Then with current have slept like a baby squashed in his arms for 14 years. Can't settle without hearing his heartbeat. He breathes loud and turns over squeaking the mattress etc too, but somehow I'm so in tune that I like those sounds.

But I know that's a bit the exception. Kids of people can't sleep well together.

Hard to tell him without hurting his feelings though 😬

Typo! I meant loads of people can't sleep together!

He just doesn’t sound like a good partner in any way, shape or form. How could anyone be happy with someone like him?

You’ll never work out a solution to the many problems if you don’t agree on what the problem actually is. All he does is twist things and flounce/get angry.

Time to do some serious reflecting on whether you want to stay.

Yanbu at all.

If divorce or moving to a new house with an additional bedroom for you would be too drastic/expensive then:

(a) this is primarily his fault and he needs to be more active in the solution. Primarily he needs to lose weight as this will resolve the issue of him being so unpleasant to share a bed with. He isn't getting any consequences at the moment so has no motivation to change. A swift kick in the kidneys and being banished to the sofa letting you sleep in peace in the bed would be ideal.

(B) if you can't follow (A) then investing in a much more expensive bed may help. My DH and I used to both be obese and sharing a normal bed was very uncomfortable. We spent over £1000 on a really good quality zip-link kingsize mattress and bed base. If our bedroom had been a bit bigger I would have gone for a super king version. What this effectively creates is a large bed with two completely independent sleeping zones - no more sagging into the central dip, and the other person isn't bounced around each time someone moves. It makes a massive difference. It won't stop the snoring though. Earplugs?

I feel you OP. DP snores extremely loudly the second he falls asleep and he twitches in his sleep every 30 seconds - 2 minutes shaking the bed. I have been waking up at least 2 or 3 times a night for the past 4 or 5 weeks.

Often have to move to the sofa at about 3am for a few hours undisturbed sleep.

I'm 29 weeks pregnant and can't fit on the sofa for much longer! Then he has the cheek every morning to tell me he is tired.

We are thinking of moving and high on the must have list is two decent sized bedrooms! (We only have one bed in the house at the moment!)

I've been sleeping in the spare room for months now. My snoring disturbs DH (though I'm less bothered about his snoring!).

It does make life easier when you have a good night's sleep.

I was worried about the potential lack of intimacy but we share a bed at the weekend. I asked DH if he loved me less now that we sleep separately but apparently he loves me more.

This thread has been a huge relief that we are not alone in this!

It sounds like you are more annoyed with him for not being good enough anymore (obviously he was once, hence marriage and kids) and you are sad when you catch glimpses of how he was. That's completely understandable.

He has relaxed way too much by the sound of it. I don't hold with veiled threats of leaving because there are kids involved and it doesn't sound like enough effort has been put in to sort this out, especially during lockdown which is not the time for big decisions as everyone is bloody miserable.

Make time to have a proper talk. No point in accusations or a list of who has done most. Nobody wins. Think carefully about what it is you want. If he loses weight and sorts out his hygiene will that fix things or is there something more. What can you do?

(Btw, weight is an emotive issue directly linked with self esteem.)

The way to sort this is for him to go to the doctors.

Tell him you’ll go to the doctors (if you can get an appointment). Show the doctor the evidence (snoring recording). Try to get a recording of when he holds his breathe then snorts/gulps air. Tell the doctor his bum and how much he drinks. Say your husband wants you checked out for being an insomniac and possibly medicated. 100% the doctor will then ask to see him.

You’ve done want your husband asked.
Now he should go to the doctor.

BMI not bum apologies!!! That was autocorrect!

Haven’t slept together for many years, since a period of norovirus outbreaks at work when we tried to avoid infecting each other. It works so well we never looked back although I always got the norovirus anyway (fortunately never as bad as the first time). We can each read in bed without worrying about keeping the other awake, and no worries when having a restless night. Can sleep with the radio on low if I want... don’t think I could go back to a shared bed. Its a relief to find this thread.

If you really think about it, it's a pretty strange idea for two people to share the same (small) sleeping space! How can you truly rest when you have someone else generating heat, snoring, huffing and puffing, etc.? I guess it's just about OK in the first throes of passion, but after that .....? No thanks.

Yes I agree it seems weird to share a bed when all you want to do is sleep. We certainly don't use it for sex. I think I posted initially as I was shocked that he was making this my problem and I wanted to know if you all thought he was being unreasonable or if I was being unreasonable. Wrong board, I know! But the problems are way bigger. I guess I'm looking for a way out. Unreasonable behaviour is part of that. Also, why would I want to share a bed with a fanboy of the likes of Farage, Mogg, bleedin Duncan-Smith etc. And he wonders why I want to spend as much time away from him as possible! Sorry, gone off on a tangent there, but you can all read between the lines, I'm sure. By the way absolute lol at telling the doctor about his bum @Zandathepanda !!!

You need a bigger bed and you must insist he only sleeps on his side.

OP don’t you deserve more happiness than this?

@Wakingup55643

I agree you deserve better than this, and I agree with the previous posters saying it sounds like you pretty much loathe him anyway. Understandable, as he sounds quite dreadful tbh!

@Wakingup55643

I agree you deserve better than this, and I agree with the previous posters saying it sounds like you pretty much loathe him anyway. Understandable as he sounds quite dreadful tbh!

No idea why that posted twice ^ !!!

@MagicSummer

If you really think about it, it's a pretty strange idea for two people to share the same (small) sleeping space! How can you truly rest when you have someone else generating heat, snoring, huffing and puffing, etc.? I guess it's just about OK in the first throes of passion, but after that .....? No thanks.

I have always said this. I love DH, and we have a good marriage, but from about 10 years after we first started living together - so since our mid 30s, I have not been able to sleep in the same bed with him. His snoring started to become horrendous by the time he hit 33/34.

He was quite skinny when I met him, (when we were in our early 20s,) like 5 ft 10 and 10 stone. By the age of 30, he was 12 and a half stone. Still OK for his height etc, but heavier. Then by 33/34 he was 13 and a half stone, and his snoring became annoying. Within a couple of years it became unbearable.

We were in a 2 bed house too, so I didn't have a spare room to move into. (Our DD had the second bedroom.) We moved to a 3 bed in our mid 30s (20 years ago,) and I had my own room then. I never went back. As a few posters have said, it's ludicrous for 2 fully grown adults to share a 6 foot X 4 foot space to try and sleep in.

Some people seem to think 'earplugs' is the magic cure for a snoring partner, or a super-king bed (or 2 singles) will magic all the problems away. Not always.

At the end of the day, separate bedrooms is the key to a successful marriage/relationship, and the key to good sleep! Obviously not everyone can do that if they don't have a spare bedroom, but as a few posters have suggested, they could get a fold-down bed, or sofa bed, and sleep in the lounge. Or do it so that the last one of you going to bed sleeps in the lounge.

Some men get really weird about it though (as a few posters have said,) and see it as a slight on their manhood/masculinity if their wife/partner doesn't want to sleep in the same bed as them.