DP is depressed, he's not been great with me, I'm thinking about cancelling our wedding

[Namechangeonafriday]

I had to name change for this one.

We had a very eventful year last year (who hasn't!). It only came to me yesterday that's he's obviously depressed. He lost his relationship with his DS and not being able to drive and having to cycle 30mi a day is taking its toll. I can relate.

However, last year he also was a complete **hole to me. He sexted some random ex colleague, had a go at me twice when drunk (verbally) and when I've needed him to support me emotionally he really didn't know how to respond. As it is he's on his 2nd out 3 strikes (the previous year he used my credit card without my consent to buy his son a phone).

Out of 365 days, probably 345-350 re actually quite good, so it seems a pity to through a good relationship away because HE has issues.

I feel uncomfortable not being married so I'm a bit lost about what to do. Sorry for the rant.

It doesn’t sound good does it op. What makes you think marriage is going to improve things? Clue: it won’t. The sexting and verbal abuse would have done it for me already. Think carefully about what you want from your life going forward.

I don't think its going to get better, him being depressed isn't a reason to treat you like shit and sext people and be verbaly abusive to you.
If someone truely loves you and values your relationship they wouldn't do these things, I wouldn't enter a marrage with someone who did this to me and I don't think you would advise say a friend or stranger to marry someone who has done this either.

Exactly @Pesimistic I think people would tell me to think carefully. in our history together he's shown he can change. So I think that's the saving grace and maybe postponing rather than cancelling is at least for now the wisest thing to do

Why are you uncomfortable not being married ?

If you have doubts dont ignore them.

I'm just fairly old fashioned, nothing to do with finances or assets.

I would postpone the wedding at the very least. He isn’t trustworthy and the fact he’s used your credit card without your permission is in effect stealing from you.
Why has he lost his relationship with his son?

It is unlikely to get better, marriage isn't a sticking plaster. If anything pre marriage people are on better behaviour than once you're tied to them.

If you have doubts now work through then carefully before making a long term decision like marriage.

Depressed people can act like Dicks just as easily as people who arent depressed.
Maybe it’s purely his depression or maybe that’s an excuse, either way you don’t have to tolerate it

Sexting and stealing are pretty major things to get over. And the shouting at you while drunk isn't great either.

Getting married doesn't sound like a good option.

He sexted some random ex colleague, had a go at me twice when drunk (verbally) and when I've needed him to support me emotionally he really didn't know how to respond. As it is he's on his 2nd out 3 strikes (the previous year he used my credit card without my consent to buy his son a phone).

Sounds like he's actually on strike 5 out of 3 on that paragraph alone. Which of those do you think are acceptable in a relationship that you haven't counted them?

Postpone the wedding and see how things go. Is he getting help for his depression. What’s happened with the relationship with his child

But do you just want to be married or in a good marriage?

The shouting when drunk I can understand a bit more and it isn't regular or anything and that why I don't count them, but they're more line 2.5

His DS , there was some parental alienation to start with but that was a while ago and he barely does anything to get that relationship back apart from complaining.

Did he pay you back for his son's phone.
Try to postpone the wedding while you think about it.

Out of 365 days, probably 345-350 re actually quite good

"quite good"? I'd expect more than that to marry someone. As PPs have said, if in doubt at least postpone the wedding, but the fact he's on the 2nd of 3 strikes doesn't bode well, and what he did were dumping offenses IMHO too. What if he does his 3rd strike once you're married?

I wouldn't marry someone who had done any of the things you've outlined. Depression or no depression.

Why does he get 3 strikes? If he's on 2.5 at this point, where will you be in 10 years time?!

"Out of 365 days, probably 345-350 re actually quite good, so it seems a pity to through a good relationship away because HE has issues".

Who says he is depressed at all?. Even if he was I would be asking how much of this is actually due to depression against how much of this is due to him being an arse?. Sexting others, being verbally abusive and and using your credit card to buy his son (now estranged) a phone are not necessarily the actions of a depressed person. He did that because he could; no-one put a gun to his head and he acted of his own free will.

What has he himself done to seek help for any depressive issues he may have?. Nothing I daresay and it may well be that he is not depressed at all. Some abusive men are infact depressed because they are angry, not because they are depressed.

That is the sunken costs fallacy right there and it causes good people like you to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

The idea of sunk cost states that an investment of money, time or energy must not necessarily influence your continued investment of money, time or energy. The past investment is “sunk” into the endeavour and cannot be recouped. It is gone. Ongoing investment will not resuscitate what is gone when the investment is a bad one.

There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.” This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You may also want to read "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum.

There are red flags re him and his now estranged relationship to his son as well. Would you really want to marry him now knowing what you already do about him?. What would you be advising someone else in this situation?. You'd be foolish to at all continue with the relationship at all let alone marrying him in such circumstances. Is life with him all you think you deserve?.

You mention that your history together shows he can change.
This worries me. It implies there have also been issues in the past.
We can all 'change' when it suits. Problem is, it's quite difficult to keep up a pretence if essentially this changed person isn't really who we are and it's doubly difficult when things in life are challenging.

You don't have to give up the relationship but you certainly do need to reconsider your marriage.
if you have any doubts at all you shouldn't get married, divorce is horrendous and very very expensive, it can cost many thousands and if they won't sign a consent order which many don't they can come back and claim money from you over and over again in the future if their circumstances change.
Cancel the wedding - tell him you don't feel comfortable enough about your relationship to get married right now you'd rather just continue as you are.
Marriage should only be an option if your relationship is very strong with a definite future. It will not make your relationship any better.

Gees, it's like groundhog day in here. Woman who is single and childfree gets with man who has kids and surprise, 9 of 10 times he's a twat. This guy has a shitty relationship with his own child he's done little to ameliorate, he's 'had a go' at you more than once whilst drunk, he stole from you, he sexted someone else but the poor ickle thing is depressed and he's good most of the time. And you want to marry him?

WTF is wrong with you? Why is your bar so low?

You're giving him strikes and he keeps hitting them.

We used to fight about dirty dishes but that has stopped. He used to mention things about how I think/behave and he's stopped too.

Money wise it's all been sorted too

Sorry I’m of the view of finishing it now rather than postponing. Getting married sounds important to you (which is fine) so if he’s not the right person for you why would you make such a commitment?

Also as a beside, I would have finished it immediately after sexting episode. That would have been it for me. Lots of people have depression yet manage not to be dickheads. My DP had depression a couple years back, he remained the caring and considerate man he’s always been.