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Original poster

DP is depressed, he's not been great with me, I'm thinking about cancelling our wedding

102 replies

Namechangeonafriday · 19/02/2021 09:47

I had to name change for this one.

We had a very eventful year last year (who hasn't!). It only came to me yesterday that's he's obviously depressed. He lost his relationship with his DS and not being able to drive and having to cycle 30mi a day is taking its toll. I can relate.

However, last year he also was a complete **hole to me. He sexted some random ex colleague, had a go at me twice when drunk (verbally) and when I've needed him to support me emotionally he really didn't know how to respond. As it is he's on his 2nd out 3 strikes (the previous year he used my credit card without my consent to buy his son a phone).

Out of 365 days, probably 345-350 re actually quite good, so it seems a pity to through a good relationship away because HE has issues.

I feel uncomfortable not being married so I'm a bit lost about what to do. Sorry for the rant.

OP posts:
roseylemonade · 19/02/2021 13:21

The sexting and the stealing would be enough for me. How many more chances does he need? Already on 2/3 doesn't sound good!

I think your confusing two things though: his behaviour and the depression.

Just because he's depressed doesn't mean he has to sext other people and steal from you.

I feel your using his depression as a mask and I completely get why, but don't let this depression make you feel sorry for him and not do what's right for you.

If he was depressed and hadn't been great ( verbally abusive ) I could get past that.

Not the sexting and stealing.

Do not marry him. You'll regret it.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/02/2021 14:00

It really is shocking that you would even consider marrying a man who sexts other women and has stolen from you. You really think things will get better?

Arrivederla · 19/02/2021 14:13

Honestly op I'm quite shocked that you don't care about how he has behaved towards his son! What sort of person does that to their own child and what's to stop him doing the same to your dc at some point in the future?

Darcinian · 19/02/2021 14:28

You are looking for excuses for him.

It does not sound like he has respect for you.

Perhaps the relationship is making him unhappy. Perhaps he is the kind of man who becomes unhappy when the reality of parenting kicks in and his partner has priorities higher than him.

You are minimising appalling behaviour.

Deadringer · 19/02/2021 14:29

Why would he bother to change? You are accepting how he is.

Original poster
Namechangeonafriday · 19/02/2021 14:31

Because he knows he's on his last leg/warning he's got a lot to lose and it's not just me and our baby.

OP posts:
shockthemonkey · 19/02/2021 14:31

@Namechangeonafriday

I've never seen any relationship that doesn't have something like this one way or the other.
Friday, my relationship has none of that and I would hope for the same for you.

How come he can't drive? If he's lost his licence through drink driving then that's just another huge no-no

Aquamarine1029 · 19/02/2021 14:33

If your partner is already on his "last leg" the relationship is already over. It's doomed to fail.

bigbird1969 · 19/02/2021 14:47

Not emotionally able to support you when you need it, verbally abusive when drunk, sexting another woman and a thief to boot...and an absent father to another DC. Great role model for your toddler. ( also assuming he has lost his licence too due too being drunk behind a wheel perhaps?)

Good luck but you do sound like you change your own goal posts, minimise certain behaviours, excuse others hence he is on his last legs rather than dumped.

ifitpleasesandsparkles · 19/02/2021 14:53

@bigbird1969

Not emotionally able to support you when you need it, verbally abusive when drunk, sexting another woman and a thief to boot...and an absent father to another DC. Great role model for your toddler. ( also assuming he has lost his licence too due too being drunk behind a wheel perhaps?)

Good luck but you do sound like you change your own goal posts, minimise certain behaviours, excuse others hence he is on his last legs rather than dumped.

Quite. Functioning relationships don't work on giving each other "chances" to prove yourself. If I felt like I had to give my partner "one last chance" the relationship is already dead in the water.

Here's how a functioning relationship works: you don't be a cunt to each other. Ever.

SandyY2K · 19/02/2021 15:00

You say you feel uncomfortable not being married, because you're quite old fashioned. Yet you were okay with having a child while not being married. I find that a bit contradictory.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/02/2021 15:11

Why on earth do people give three strikes?
Either of the first two is enough on its own to get rid.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/02/2021 15:20

Why on earth do people give three strikes?
Either of the first two is enough on its own to get rid.

I agree completely. "You've stolen from me once, so you only get two more times until we're done." Confused

OldEvilOwl · 19/02/2021 15:21

If he knows he's on his last chance it's only a matter of time before he fucks up again. Don't marry him

AintPageantMaterial · 19/02/2021 15:32

What would you say to someone else who said they were considering marrying someone who treats them like this?
He cheats, steals, lies and generally treats you poorly. Why don’t you think that you deserve more?
I know you’re already had a child with him but why double-down on your commitment to him by marrying him?

goldielockdown2 · 19/02/2021 16:58

None of his wrongdoings have anything to do with depression. Don't justify these things to yourself so you can almost 'trick' yourself into marrying him by thinking you're being noble towards him.
He's shown you the full package, if you still marry him after this then you realise you're in for more of the same or worse don't you?

FinallyHere · 19/02/2021 18:34

Because he knows he's on his last leg/

Or he knows that you have always let him off so far so he might as well test your boundaries a bit more.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/02/2021 19:09

@Namechangeonafriday

I've never seen any relationship that doesn't have something like this one way or the other.
Sexting others, verbal abuse when drunk and stealing? Those are not normal in any healthy relationship. At all. Ever.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/02/2021 19:12

@Namechangeonafriday

Because he knows he's on his last leg/warning he's got a lot to lose and it's not just me and our baby.
A relationship on its last legs is not one that should include an upcoming wedding. Especially if you don't need to financially. You should be going into a marriage feeling like a strong team, not two people on their 'last legs' together. Please do consider at least delaying to give yourself some time to reassess.
Geppili · 19/02/2021 19:50

Don't marry him, please!

Porridgeoat · 19/02/2021 19:58

Cancel the wedding and then give it some time to observe his behaviour.

Ask him to talk to his GP about depression. Ask him to buy an electric bike to make things easier

Original poster
Namechangeonafriday · 20/02/2021 08:53

We've agreed to give it some time and not get marry for now and he'll stop drinking. He's shown he's capable of changing. He doesn't admit to be "depressed" but he thinks the cycling is taking his toll. Apparently even his work standards are slipping because of how tired he gets.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 21/02/2021 13:02

You've still not said why he's cycling.

NotSeenBulling · 21/02/2021 13:22

He sounds frightful.

LTB and then you can stop with all the last chances, strikes, time outs and shizz. It shouldn't be this hard. You will be in for a life of forgiving terrible behaviour if you stay with him. Marrying him is the last thing you should consider. He has zero respect for you.

sadie9 · 21/02/2021 13:22

You can read all the psychology books in the world and still be blind to one's own dynamic. You say you are 'old fashioned'.
You are mothering this man. He's got a drink problem, you have to support him financially, he took money from your ('Mummy's') account like a teenager. He has isolated his other child, and is too emotionally immature to repair that relationship. Because you did psychology, maybe part of you may think you can fix him or at least that you are competent and emotionally strong enough to accommodate his problems.
What is he doing to help his depression and lethargy?
He complains, you listen and soothe and fix things, just like your mother. And push down the reality. Do you want to be his Carer or do you want to have a partner that is equal to you?
Make him responsible, stop listening to the endless sounding off, tell him to go to counselling because you can't fix it for him. He'll use you as a crutch more and more, and increasingly make you responsible for his happiness unless you put yourself first more often.