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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP is depressed, he's not been great with me, I'm thinking about cancelling our wedding

102 replies

Namechangeonafriday · 19/02/2021 09:47

I had to name change for this one.

We had a very eventful year last year (who hasn't!). It only came to me yesterday that's he's obviously depressed. He lost his relationship with his DS and not being able to drive and having to cycle 30mi a day is taking its toll. I can relate.

However, last year he also was a complete **hole to me. He sexted some random ex colleague, had a go at me twice when drunk (verbally) and when I've needed him to support me emotionally he really didn't know how to respond. As it is he's on his 2nd out 3 strikes (the previous year he used my credit card without my consent to buy his son a phone).

Out of 365 days, probably 345-350 re actually quite good, so it seems a pity to through a good relationship away because HE has issues.

I feel uncomfortable not being married so I'm a bit lost about what to do. Sorry for the rant.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangeonafriday · 19/02/2021 11:37

I'm not a chartered psychologist but psychology was part of my undergrad and postgrad degrees. That's by the by. To me, the being verbally abusing counts as the 0.5 . All the other glitches I find them normal behaviours within a long term relationship. We had a conversation of how annoying I find them.and then he stopped.

OP posts:
Grimsknee · 19/02/2021 11:44

"All the other glitches I find them normal behaviours within a long term relationship. We had a conversation of how annoying I find them.and then he stopped."
What's the point of your original post then OP? To talk yourself into marrying this guy?

ineedaholidaynow · 19/02/2021 11:45

Why can’t he drive? Is the cycling 30 miles every day something new?

ifitpleasesandsparkles · 19/02/2021 11:47

There's no helping some people...

ThisTooShallBeFantastic · 19/02/2021 11:50

Why can't he drive? Has he lost his licence?

ifitpleasesandsparkles · 19/02/2021 11:50

There's no helping some people...

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2021 11:55

"All the other glitches I find them normal behaviours within a long term relationship.

Really?. The sexting, his stealing your card, the verbal abuse aimed at you when he's drunk?. And you call the rest of his behaviour towards you gliches?. It makes me wonder about your relationship history as a whole, it sounds pretty much shit. Denial also is a powerful force here and you seem mired in denial.

"We had a conversation of how annoying I find them and then he stopped".

He has not stopped; he is now mistreating you in other ways. Why is your relationship bar so low exactly, how did you get to this point in your life?.

Original poster
Namechangeonafriday · 19/02/2021 11:56

Venting? I know most people would say leave him.or at least postpone. I think he needs to get his shot together full stop.

For me some things are more grey than black and white (the sexting in particular) but other things like the credit card I find more unacceptable.

He is physically tired it's obvious and being exhausted never helps.

There are some mitigating factors in some of the issues i.e. the alcohol, I gave him the card for joint use so it's not like he took it out of my purse (but he could have asked which why I find it unacceptable in the end).
I don't think he's as happy as before, it could be lockdown I don't know but he definitely doesn't have the spark that he used to have.

OP posts:
Dontbeme · 19/02/2021 12:07

Out of 365 days, probably 345-350 re actually quite good

Out of 365 cups of tea he makes me he doesn't spit in 345-350 of them, so would you still drink the tea OP?

You need to think if you want to really share a life with this guy, he took your card and spent on it, sexting others, verbal abuse when drunk but the kicker for me is the failure to try to build a relationship with his own child, is that what's holding you to him? That you know if you split he will not see your child either, are you fearful he will just walk away from your DC? You know he is capable of it.

Original poster
Namechangeonafriday · 19/02/2021 12:11

again I don't care about his parenting with his son, not my jurisdiction. Of he was away from our DS that's his loss not ours. That really has weight in this balancing act whatsoever.

OP posts:
ifitpleasesandsparkles · 19/02/2021 12:19

@Namechangeonafriday

again I don't care about his parenting with his son, not my jurisdiction. Of he was away from our DS that's his loss not ours. That really has weight in this balancing act whatsoever.

But it's an indicator of what he's like as a person.

Even if you do disregard that, I couldn't get over everything else he's done. You're excusing some reprehensible behaviour and are trying to convince yourself that a certain amount of such behaviour is normal in a relationship. It isn't.

Original poster
Namechangeonafriday · 19/02/2021 12:24

I've never seen any relationship that doesn't have something like this one way or the other.

OP posts:
Deadringer · 19/02/2021 12:25

The sexting would be enough for me to boot him out. My dh of 30+ years had depression, diagnosed by a doctor, with meds and counselling, I was very supportive but i wouldn't put up with that shit. At the very least postpone the wedding, your older self will thank you.

Moomoolandmoomooland · 19/02/2021 12:27

If he can't be arsed to maintain a decent relationship with his child, what makes you think he is capable of having any kind of meaningful relationship with an adult.

Leave OP. Being on your own is better than being trapped in a marriage with this.

PickAChew · 19/02/2021 12:30

He's verbally abused you, cheated on you and stolen from you. It's not a good relationship.

You wouldn't eat a sandwich if only 5% of it was covered with shit.

NuniaBeeswax · 19/02/2021 12:32

Just marry him then since that's what you want people to tell you to do 🤷‍♀️

Aquamarine1029 · 19/02/2021 12:32

I've never seen any relationship that doesn't have something like this one way or the other.

That's really sad, for one, because you obviously didn't have a great model for a healthy relationship growing up, and two, don't use that as an excuse to stay in a relationship you know is in trouble. Stop ignoring your instincts. Cancel the wedding.

Annasgirl · 19/02/2021 12:33

OP, I think you need to work on your own understanding of relationships - none of what you have written is either good or normal.

What did you learn about relationships growing up? Why do you think marriage will improve a bad relationship?

I don't think you should marry this man, but it seems you believe you can change him.

HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 19/02/2021 12:34

Then you've been unlucky with the relationships modelled to you. His behaviour towards his first child would have been enough to say goodbye. How he continues to treat you is acceptable.

ifitpleasesandsparkles · 19/02/2021 12:41

@Namechangeonafriday

I've never seen any relationship that doesn't have something like this one way or the other.

I feel sad for you that that's the case. I think your boundaries are shot to hell. If you lay out your boundaries such that your partner sending sexually explicit messages to another woman isn't grounds for calling off your wedding then I don't think anyone here can help you.

I think it's time to come off this thread and plan your wedding as you don't seem to be getting the responses you want.

Original poster
Namechangeonafriday · 19/02/2021 12:43

I don't think marriage is going to improve or change it. I also don't think I can change him. He can change of he wants but it has to come from himself. I can't do anything about it and I lost certainly don't want this sort of behaviour for the rest of my life.

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 19/02/2021 12:46

@Namechangeonafriday
If you have any shred any particle of doubt, please
Don't get married

Why on earth does not being married make you feel uncomfortable?

Everyone I know who is now divorced says they had doubts about marriage.

Listen to that inner voice.

Marriage only protects the ''Poorer'' party, but divorce is emotionally exhausting and can be incredibly expensive.

People don't change after marriage...Or not for the better, anyway.

oakleaffy · 19/02/2021 12:48

@Namechangeonafriday

I don't think marriage is going to improve or change it. I also don't think I can change him. He can change of he wants but it has to come from himself. I can't do anything about it and I lost certainly don't want this sort of behaviour for the rest of my life.
No one can ever ''Change another'' person.

We can only change ourselves.

It sounds as if you have serious and justifiable doubts.

Listen to yourself...You don't need advice from anyone else... You know the answer already.

RantyAnty · 19/02/2021 13:09

How long have you been together and why can't he drive now?

nolovelost · 19/02/2021 13:16

Once he's married you it's likely to get worse not better. He'll think he'll have to make even less effort.

He's a cheat who can't support you when you need it. It's a no brainer.