DP is depressed, he's not been great with me, I'm thinking about cancelling our wedding

[Namechangeonafriday]

I had to name change for this one.

We had a very eventful year last year (who hasn't!). It only came to me yesterday that's he's obviously depressed. He lost his relationship with his DS and not being able to drive and having to cycle 30mi a day is taking its toll. I can relate.

However, last year he also was a complete **hole to me. He sexted some random ex colleague, had a go at me twice when drunk (verbally) and when I've needed him to support me emotionally he really didn't know how to respond. As it is he's on his 2nd out 3 strikes (the previous year he used my credit card without my consent to buy his son a phone).

Out of 365 days, probably 345-350 re actually quite good, so it seems a pity to through a good relationship away because HE has issues.

I feel uncomfortable not being married so I'm a bit lost about what to do. Sorry for the rant.

The shouting when drunk I can understand a bit more and it isn't regular or anything and that why I don't count them, but they're more line 2.5

None of the things you've listed are acceptable in any level of a relationship. Marrying him would be self destructive and divorce will make it harder to leave.

@Namechangeonafriday

We used to fight about dirty dishes but that has stopped. He used to mention things about how I think/behave and he's stopped too.

Money wise it's all been sorted too

Wow, what a catch! He's a real keeper, said no one ever. He's a shit dad into the bargain.

So he used to shout but stopped that apart from when drunk?

Sorry but he’s not stopped shouting, when his inhibitions down he resorts to his true behaviour.

Again many people get drunk and don’t become abusive. Or if they do they know not to drink.

You don't need anyone's permission to end this relationship, let alone cancel the wedding.

No, he's never been the shouting type (I'm.more of that sort but it's partially cultural which is hard for him to understand). But I've managed to not do it and I never have a go at him.

The dishes were never a shouting argument it just made us go mad (he finds how I wash them too slow and impractical) I find how he does them too disgusting.

@Namechangeonafriday

No, he's never been the shouting type (I'm.more of that sort but it's partially cultural which is hard for him to understand). But I've managed to not do it and I never have a go at him.

The dishes were never a shouting argument it just made us go mad (he finds how I wash them too slow and impractical) I find how he does them too disgusting.

So you can control your behaviour like an adult but he can't when he's had a skinful.

But only literally a couple of times. Neither were pleasant and both were as bad for different reasons.

But, but . . .

He verbally abused you, he sexted someone else (and that's the one time you caught him out and doing just that), he stole from you, he's not bothered to ameliorate his relationship with his child and you want to continue a relationship with him?

There's no helping some people, they seem to get off on shackling themselves to utter cretins and think they can change the creatures.

Why did his first marriage break up? Presumably for similar reasons?

I’d get rid. Especially as you have no kids with him.

I know, in paper he doesn't sound great. He's 97% of the time very loving, he does his house chores and tries to adapt to how different I am culturally. He's a good man with some issues to resolve. They're not for me to resolve and I know they're not a justification to how he's treated me. Because we all make mistakes, but we also have free will to make them (or not!)

You don’t have to put up with that. You’re worth more.

In my experience, men like this will actually get worse after marriage when they feel they don’t need to try any more. Be very careful here. I would exit the relationship completely.

I don't think he gets to use his depression as an excuse when he's not doing anything to actually improve his situation.

I get that it can be hard for people (especially men) to get help when they're struggling. But I couldn't overlook his lack of action to repair his relationship with his child.

Is he the sort of dad who thinks throwing money at someone can fix a relationship? Was that why he stole from you? Because not only is that shit, lazy parenting - it's also theft. From you. The person who he supposedly wants to marry and share finances with forever.

To put it in terms of employment. Most employers have a disciplinary process which is different depending on what an employee does wrong. Minor infractions such as repeated lateness, making repeated mistakes in work, being a bit rude to customers/colleagues - those are misconduct and would probably draw a recorded verbal or written warning. Get three of those and the employee is out the door. Or, a major issue - defrauding the company, calling a customer a cunt, smacking a colleague in the mouth, turning up drunk - those would be gross misconduct and grounds for immediate termination.

If an employee does something classed as gross misconduct, their previous history is irrelevant. If they are on no warnings or on their final warning, if they do something severe, they will be terminated without notice.

What you're doing with the "3 strikes" thing is treating his previous conduct "issues" as minor mishaps, for which you've essentially given him two (3?) warnings. And if he makes another, then he's out the door.

However, the shitty parenting and the theft, for me, would be gross misconduct and I'd have binned him off immediately for the latter.

You may view his shitty parenting differently. But if you are wanting children with a life partner, to me that alone would be a deal-breaker. Because why would you want children with someone who's prepared to give up on their child at the first sign of difficulty?

We do have one toddler together. They broke up because they didn't have anything in common and had different goals in life I guess.

But she's always claimed he was a good dad and decent husband until they broke up.

He’s a terrible father: who complains rather than makes efforts to build a relationship with his own child.

He’s been caught sexting an old colleague. So, a cheat.

He’s used your credit card without asking. So a disrespectful thief.

He occasionally verbally abuses you when he’s drunk.

But, he’s shown you he can change by no longer moaning about washing up.

Sounds like a real winner, especially his parenting (said no responses so far..).

I see his parenting as his problem and independent from me. What I care about is that he's a good dad to our son, and he is. It's more frustrating or tiring that he complains but does nothing.

He also has the free will not to sext anyone when he's in a relationship or steal money from you and yet he chose to do this things. Those aren't 'mistakes' he made active choice to do those things.

Would you do those things? And if not, why do you hold him to lower standards than you hold yourself?

Stealing from you and sexting. How can you trust him? And verbally abusing you. Can't you see that these are major things and possibly the reason why things are better the other times is because you adjust your behaviour not to trigger him?

Because if someone was abusive to me, I would start making sure that I did nothing to trigger it. Like with my jealous ex I stopped spending time without him, would avoid speaking to friends husbands when we were out etc because I didn't want to give him any reason to be jealous.

No it definitely has nothing to do with triggers. Maybe the first time, but since then I haven't given a toss about it and it hasn't happened again (that topic in particular).

His DS , there was some parental alienation to start with but that was a while ago and he barely does anything to get that relationship back apart from complaining.

That on its own would be enough for me.

He's depressed, or that's his latest excuse for being a prick?

Because his shitty behaviour predates that and has been pretty consistent.

Frankly, calling this a 'good relationship' is quite a stretch.

If you remove those episodes I do find it happy and satisfying. But not being able to emotionally support me was the final straw. I'm always forgiving and understanding but when I needed it I got nothing. And he never made the excuse that he's depressed I figured it out myself.

However, last year he also was a complete hole to me. He sexted some random ex colleague, had a go at me twice when drunk (verbally) and when I've needed him to support me emotionally he really didn't know how to respond. As it is he's on his 2nd out 3 strikes (the previous year he used my credit card without my consent to buy his son a phone).

Setting aside the totally bonkers philosophy of giving someone a designated number of times to continue treating you like shit, and the other examples in your subsequent posts, how does this even add up to only 2?

1. He sexted some random ex colleague

2 & 3. had a go at me twice when drunk (verbally)

1. when I've needed him to support me emotionally he really didn't know how to respond
2. he used my credit card without my consent to buy his son a phone

He should already be way out of strikes applying your system. I am genuinely confused what kind of maths you've used to only get as far as 2. Does he get 3 strikes before a strike goes against him?

1. We used to fight about dirty dishes but that has stopped.
2. He used to mention things about how I think/behave and he's stopped too.

8...

So, really, what you've actually decided is that he can keep treating you like shit as many times as he likes... so long as he comes up with an excuse or swaps one shitty behaviour for a different shitty behaviour.

You figured out he's depressed? Are you qualified to diagnose? Or you decided that will work as a reason for you to continue tolerating this shit?

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment or versions of it when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. Why did you assume depression re him?. You do realise you may well be wrong here re this assumption.

What do you think your son will learn about relationships from you and also this man as his father?. Are you staying really because of your son?.

Why is your relationship bar so low here; how did it get so low to start with. What did you learn about relationsoips when you were growing up?.

If you remove those episodes I do find it happy and satisfying

You can't remove them. They're part of the picture.

You've posted here so you're obviously having doubts. If so you should at least postpone the wedding. A gut feeling about whether or not to marry should never be overridden - it will only end in tears for you.