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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it my fault.? I am really upset

51 replies

empen · 03/11/2007 07:42

My last boyf was violent and verbally abusive - he was controlling and a bully. I spent a long time trying to get him out of my life.
Have just had a massive row with current boyf and he has punched me and pulled my hair then turned it around and said it is my fault - its me cause my ex did it to me too.

I have condensed what is a long story into a few words. He is asleep right now and I don't know what I am going to do. I live miles away from any family, have no friends in th area, have a 5yr old dd and am going into hospital on Tues to have C/Sec. He has punched a hole in my wardrobe and threw my clothes out the window (they are still there).

OP posts:
Freckle · 03/11/2007 07:47

It is absolutely not your fault. It is entirely his fault and he is using your past as a way of turning the blame onto you.

You need to contact Women's Aid and report this assault to the police.

Do not stay with him. He assaulted you whilst you are heavily pregnant. The man is an ape.

OverMyDeadBody · 03/11/2007 07:50

This is not your fault. Don't stay with this man. If you let him get away with this it will only get worse.

You deserve better. Contact women's aid. Please!

Blackduck · 03/11/2007 07:50

Freckle is right - get out now.

Original poster
empen · 03/11/2007 07:53

I don't know how to get out - I have no where to go and am having his baby on Tuesday.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/11/2007 07:54

Its not your fault - it never is. There is never any justification for violence, they have the problems.

This is no life for you and your five year old daughter to witness - she could grow up thinking that this is all "normal" and end up with someone like this. You really do not want this for her. You can make a good life for yourselves without fear of violence.

I guess c/sec means caesarian section - you actually decided to have a child by this man?.

You need help in order to escape from this man, he could well end up killing you if you stay. I'm being serious here - on average two women per week are killed at the hands of their partners.

I will put up the details for Womens Aid - make contact with them. Do your family know the full extent of what has happened?.

A thought for you for another time - why have you continued to go from one violent partner to yet another?. Why are you choosing so badly?. You don't have to of course answer that but your own past can give clues.

HaveYourselfaNortyLittleXmas · 03/11/2007 07:54

You get dressed, get your 5 year old dressed and go to the police station. You need to get out.

Freckle · 03/11/2007 07:57

Pack a bag for you and your little one and go to the police station. They will either remove him from the home and take action to prevent him from returning, or they will be able to get you to a refuge.

You do need to act now. If he can do this to you whilst almost 9 months pregnant, what the h*ll do you think he'll be like once you've given birth???

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/11/2007 07:57

Contact the council for mergency housing along with Womens aid. You need to do this for your own safety, that of yoru daughter and for your unborn child.

They can help you get out.

You stay with with "man" with two children in tow; you condemn them also to a life of misery. And it won't do them any good for them to see violence in their young lives. He could well end up killing you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/11/2007 07:58

Police involvement here is essential. I would urge you to press charges.

OverMyDeadBody · 03/11/2007 07:58

I'd agree go to the police station.

Do you rent your house or own it? Chances are you can get him out of the house.

Please don't stay with this man because you have no where else to go. Don't let yous children be exposed to this. If he's violent to you he may well be violent to your children. Do you want that for them?

You can get lots of support, it may seem hard now, but once you take the plunge to leave it gets easier.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/11/2007 07:58

www.womensaid.org.uk

OverMyDeadBody · 03/11/2007 08:00

and definately press charges. Please go now!!

Freckle · 03/11/2007 08:01

The police do take domestic violence very seriously. Do not worry that they won't believe you or think you are making a fuss over nothing. They will act promptly and do all they can to ensure the safety of you and your child.

The courts also take this very seriously. They can sentence him for assault and impose a restraining order to prevent him from coming near you again. But you have to take the first step, which I know can be hard. However, once you have taken it, your life will be so much better. I suspect this is not the first time he has hurt you, either physically or emotionally.

Original poster
empen · 03/11/2007 08:02

I have just read Womens Aid and I could tick off most of the list in what constitutes abuse. I did not realise how bad it had become.
I did not really decide to have a baby with him just decided not to get rid of baby once I found out I was pregnant. dd1 is from a previous relationship.
I have had 3 relationships and they have all had violence and abuse - the common factor is me.
I can't talk to family or friends - guess thats why I am posting on here.
He said he wants me to leave but I have no where to go and I do want to leave.
dd woke up o the sound of him shouting and smashing stuff he said he would only stop if I cuddled him!

OP posts:
Freckle · 03/11/2007 08:04

What is your housing situation? Is it a joint tenancy? Are you buying together? Why should you leave? Especially in your condition.

The man is a prize arse and you should have no compunction in going to the police in order to have him dealt with as he deserves.

Freckle · 03/11/2007 08:05

Also, you should get yourself checked out by your GP and possibly midwife. Where did he punch you?

lalaa · 03/11/2007 08:08

empen, it's not you, it's him. this is not your fault. please make whatever arrangements you need to to keep safe and remove yourself from this situation. personally, i would wait for him to go out/work/whatever, then sort my stuff out and get out. that way you will remove the risk of him having an excuse to be violent towards you again.

Original poster
empen · 03/11/2007 08:09

We have joint tenancy on the house we are currently renting and I own my own house down south that is being rented out. I am not working cause of pregnancy and am not entitled to any benefits and would not get housed by the council as I own my own house. I looked into it a few weeks ago cause of the arguing.

OP posts:
Freckle · 03/11/2007 08:11

In which case, you should go to the police. Give your tenants in your house notice and, as soon as they move out, move back in. Either that or arrange to sell the house at the end of the tenancy and use any money left over to rehouse yourself and your children.

The police could get your b/f out until you are able to find alternative accommodation. With him not there, you will probably be entitled to benefits.

Original poster
empen · 03/11/2007 08:12

He punched me in the face twice, once in the back and pinned me to the bed by my hair. I hurt my stomach muscles as I struggled to get away but I am alright - just shaken up. I am trying not to let dd see me get upset

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/11/2007 08:13

That's one of many issues with abuse - it is insidious in its onset and many abusers are very good at making their victim doubt their own selves.

You will need to look at your own self to work out exactly why you have choosen so poorly. Sometimes we repeat patterns that we saw in childhood. Your self esteem and worth are doubtless very low, you will need help in building your own self back up again.

I would urge you to go to the Police Station; they will help you. Take your DD with you, do not leave her in the house with him. Many such stations have specially trained domestic violence support officers; they can help you be safe.

Your daughter, your as yet unborn and you need calm in your lives - not chaos, violence and throwing things. She could potentially grow up thinking that this is "normal". You could end up dead at his hands.

Why can't you talk to your family - are you estranged from them?.

zippitippitoes · 03/11/2007 08:13

take the advice and go to a safe place....if you own a property then presumably it is on a shorthold tenancy and you could give notice to the tenants...so only need temporary accommmodation

get help

please

OverMyDeadBody · 03/11/2007 08:13

Empen you shouldn't have to leave. He's the one who should go. Go to the police station now. You won't be left homeless with a DD and a baby.

This is not your fault

Freckle · 03/11/2007 08:13

Go to the GP anyway. It is important to get records of what happened.

And go to the police. The man has committed a criminal act and, if you don't report him, you will find that he will do it again and again - and possibly in future to your dd. Do you want that??

unknownrebelbang · 03/11/2007 08:14

First step has to be contacting the police.

Please do this for yourself. You have to take the first step.