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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He does nothing.

152 replies

chickennuggs · 17/02/2021 17:23

I can't remember the last time my 'DP' did anything around the house that wasn't for his sole benefit.

I cook, clean, do the dishes, take the bins out, meal plan and order food shopping, put the shopping away, laundry. I also work full time, 7.30am-5.30pm weekdays, with around half a day on a weekend as prep. I'm working from home at the moment. He does some ad-hoc work, a few hours a week.

He used to do more- he would do the dishes because I cooked, sort recycling and rubbish, strip the bed. It's gradually stopped and I've picked up more and more, probably over the last year.

He came to bed really late last night/this morning but had set a load on to wash on timer. When it finished, I took it out to dry and realised he had picked through the basket and only pulled out HIS stuff to wash.

The bathroom really needs a clean but I told him last week it was his turn to do it for a change. It's still not done and it's driving me crazy. He leaves mess out when he stays up at night, so I come down in the morning to a shit tip. I've asked, nagged, shouted, begged him to at least clean up after himself and put things in the right place, and I've tried just leaving it, but he seems blind to it.

I don't know what else to do. Is it reaching LTB territory? Death by towering pile of cans he won't put in the recycling?

OP posts:

Original poster

chickennuggs · 18/02/2021 13:16

I think I have the flip side to that coin, @Cantthinkofafunnyname. He can drive, but hasn’t driven for the whole time we’ve known each other. It’s been so long, he’s very rusty, but he refuses to try short journeys or get refresher lessons. So I have to drive him on the rare occasions he needs to be somewhere.

His personal space in the house is his study/office. It’s a mess.

OP posts:

KatherineSiena · 18/02/2021 13:19

So now he doesn’t drive which is yet another task for you to do. The more you write about him the less appealing he becomes. Please get away from this man.

Clymene · 18/02/2021 13:25

Staying with a man because you can't summon up the energy to leave is about the most depressing thing I've ever read on here.

You've already wasted a decade or so on this man. Don't waste another second. There is a whole life out there where you can be happy, free, respected, feel joy. And that is never going to happen while you shackle yourself to this loser.

Cantthinkofafunnyname · 18/02/2021 13:26

So he won’t even drive himself places? He really hasn’t ever grown up. My DS was more independent at 17! He really sees you as his Mum unfortunately and that’s no way for you to live.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/02/2021 13:41

chickennuggs

re your comment:-
"There is some complicated background with my mum in particular that would be too outing to share here which will have contributed to me being a pleaser".

People pleasing behaviour stems from having low self worth. That all started somewhere, perhaps from your mother.

I would urge you to examine the above further with a therapist (do consider looking at the BACP website). There are indeed reasons why you are in a relationship with such a man and your mother has played a role in that, this all started long ago. After all we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

FinallyHere · 18/02/2021 15:50

So I have to drive him on the rare occasions he needs to be somewhere.

Reading that brought me up sharply. Can you see what you have written, which very likely reflects what you think.

It isn't true, you know. You are choosing to enable his dirty, lady ways. Have you any idea why that is?

Do follow up as PP have suggested. If you feel that spoken therapy isn't for you, now, how about some online work? The free podcasts here give you a flavour.

https://unfuckyourbrain.com

billy1966 · 18/02/2021 16:23

OP, on another thread a poster wrote about the "Nurse with a Purse" and I thought of you reading your last post.

Years younger living with a lazy waster who does nothing for himself or you, lives off you and won't even drive himself anywhere.

Mother of fxxk, would you give your head a wobble.

Unbelievable for such a young woman, as you are, to have a relationship bar so low.

FinallyHere · 18/02/2021 18:20

Did anyone not spot I meant dirty, lazy lady ways.

I really hope this thread is helping to open your eyes.

Snog · 18/02/2021 19:00

Do you know the anecdote about the frog in a boiling pan of water?

Original poster

chickennuggs · 18/02/2021 19:30

It is helping a lot, thank you everyone. Some of the messages are a bit hard to read but I know they’re well-intentioned.

Snog, yes, I know that anecdote. It would go some way to explain why it’s got this bad before I woke up to it. I’ve been thinking about it a lot today. Some posters have said I don’t need to give him an explanation but that made me wonder if he knows what he’s doing, or if he is oblivious and can’t see it.

OP posts:

wobblewombat · 18/02/2021 19:53

Problem is he might know and not care or he might not know and would care, but neither is that acceptable. Even if he upped his game, what would that bring to the party?

Nanny0gg · 18/02/2021 23:49

@chickennuggs

It is helping a lot, thank you everyone. Some of the messages are a bit hard to read but I know they’re well-intentioned.

It doesn't matter what the reason is. He's (in theory) a fully functioning adult and I'm sure he knows what needs to be done and what he should do.

I hope you get legal advice quickly. And until you do, STOP. Do what you need to do for you. You'll probably still have to clear up after the lazy git but shop, cook and do laundry just for you.

PurpleSneakers · 19/02/2021 01:59

Erm, I will probably be flamed for this but I have to ask: could he be depressed?

I ask for a couple of reasons, as it sounds like:
-His contribution to household task has decreased in the last year or so
-He has managed to live by himself reasonably successfully before
-His sex drive is reduced

He is working limited hours

Obviously there are significant secondary gains to him for reducing his contribution to household tasks whether intentional or not, but I was just wondering if there was something else going on with him?

Original poster

chickennuggs · 19/02/2021 05:51

Hi @PurpleSneakers, not flamed at all. He is clinically depressed and on medication. He was diagnosed around 7 year ago, though.

OP posts:

Grimsknee · 19/02/2021 05:53

"could he be depressed?"
Not sure how that would explain him selectively doing his own laundry!

CheddarGorgeous · 19/02/2021 06:12

I'm so pleased you are financially independent, it will make things much easier for you. I know it's easy for us women to just say LTB but really, what are you staying for? You'll kick yourself in a year's time if you're still in the same position.

And stop subbing him financially!

RandomMess · 19/02/2021 09:00

Being depressed isn't mutually exclusive to being a cocklodger.

Only going his own laundry should be a deal breaker. He is perfectly capable of running a house he just can't be bothered.

Perhaps having to live as a fully functioning adult again and being busier will help him.

freeingNora · 19/02/2021 09:15

You're young enough to start again should you want more for yourself and I suggest that you do. It's like you're waking up from a dream and realising where you are. Thank goodness you're not married you want be held responsible for him when you separate thank goodness for small mercies.

Google the sunken costs fallacy it's such an eye opener and have a look at Peg Streep's books on unloved daughters

You can do better then this xx

freeingNora · 19/02/2021 09:16

Incidentally acknowledging there's a problem is the first step to a solution

Dery · 19/02/2021 10:07

As PP have said, this thread is so sad to read. This man, in his late 30s, got hold of you as a lovely, young, fresh 24 year old. There's a real sense of entitlement in his behaviour. Maybe there were a few good years but for the last 7 years he has been depressed and clearly sucking the joy and life out of you. I'm sorry that he's depressed but he clearly didn't think - chicken is only 27, she deserves better than to carry the deadweight of a middle-aged man like me, I'll release her so she can go and live her own joyful life. Or perhaps he did try but because you're a people-pleaser you have sacrificed yourself on his altar.

Either way, you sound utterly drained of joy yourself. I'm still not sure what your position is on children, but even if you don't want children, you deserve much more out of life than this. And if you do want children, you really don't have any time to waste.

As to owing him an explanation, you can just say - this doesn't work for you any more; you've realised you want something different out of life and you need to be single to explore life for yourself and make up for lost time (perhaps don’t say that last bit...).

I'm early 50s and IME life just gets better and better. But your 20s and early 30s are very important formative years - years which should be spent adventuring and getting to know yourself and what you want out of life. I feel like, by hanging grimly on to you, he's stolen many good times and useful experiences from you and you now have to make up for lost time. Please don't waste more years with him, OP. I've seen hundreds of MN posters say they wish they had left sooner and they regret the lost time. I've never seen anyone say they wish they'd had stayed longer.

CheddarGorgeous · 19/02/2021 10:43

This man, in his late 30s, got hold of you as a lovely, young, fresh 24 year old. There's a real sense of entitlement in his behaviour.

I don't think it helps to come over all Mills and Boon. OP's DP hasn't necessarily planned a seduction with the end goal of having a live in housekeeper. Lots of large age-gap relationships, including mine, are very successful and equal.

But the result and advice is sound. He's making OP's life miserable and she should address it.

Dery · 19/02/2021 12:12

It’s the opposite of Mills & Boon!!!

Perhaps I focused on the wrong thing - I completely agree that some age gap relationships work really well and are very equal but many threads on here tell a different story. Anyway, this relationship doesn’t work well and isn’t equal but of course he could be her age and still be a huge drain on her.

As you say, the main thing is the relationship sounds very damaging for OP and hopefully she can be helped out of it.

Anordinarymum · 19/02/2021 12:27

Just a thought.. he only picked out his washing for the wash... perhaps he thought he might get into trouble for doing the wrong thing and so left yours for you to sort out ?
Are you critical.. a nit picker?
Did you assume the role of homemaker when you moved in together?
He needs education and NOW if you are going to stay together. I see bitterness has crept in but you have to look and think have you caused some of the lazy habits ?

AryaStarkWolf · 19/02/2021 12:33

Is it reaching LTB territory?

I mean what he's basically saying to you is he doesn't see you as his equal, he doesn't feel like he should have to do such menial work, he doesn't care if you have to do it all and he doesn't respect you enough to want to pull his weight. If he said all that verbally it would have a bigger impact probably but he is saying that by his actions (or lack of)

LannieDuck · 19/02/2021 12:50

Did you ask him why he sorted through the washing to put only his in the washer?

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