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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He does nothing.

152 replies

chickennuggs · 17/02/2021 17:23

I can't remember the last time my 'DP' did anything around the house that wasn't for his sole benefit.

I cook, clean, do the dishes, take the bins out, meal plan and order food shopping, put the shopping away, laundry. I also work full time, 7.30am-5.30pm weekdays, with around half a day on a weekend as prep. I'm working from home at the moment. He does some ad-hoc work, a few hours a week.

He used to do more- he would do the dishes because I cooked, sort recycling and rubbish, strip the bed. It's gradually stopped and I've picked up more and more, probably over the last year.

He came to bed really late last night/this morning but had set a load on to wash on timer. When it finished, I took it out to dry and realised he had picked through the basket and only pulled out HIS stuff to wash.

The bathroom really needs a clean but I told him last week it was his turn to do it for a change. It's still not done and it's driving me crazy. He leaves mess out when he stays up at night, so I come down in the morning to a shit tip. I've asked, nagged, shouted, begged him to at least clean up after himself and put things in the right place, and I've tried just leaving it, but he seems blind to it.

I don't know what else to do. Is it reaching LTB territory? Death by towering pile of cans he won't put in the recycling?

OP posts:
ifitpleasesandsparkles · 18/02/2021 00:13

Definitely leave him. It's already terrible but it will be worse if you have children together. What a lazy, selfish, disrespectful sod.

Original poster
chickennuggs · 18/02/2021 00:17

He does work a bit, but it’s usually one or two days every 3 or 4 weeks. Maybe around 10 hours per month.

I can’t have kids, so that seems to be a blessing in disguise right now.

Thanks for your help, everyone. ❤️

OP posts:
candide47 · 18/02/2021 00:18

OP I had similar and the relationship broke up when I was about 30 - actually at his instigation. He wasn't quite as bad on the home cleaning front as you describe, but pretty messy, left a trail of stuff all around the house. I used to lift all the stuff and throw it in the box room and shut the door on it. He also was atrocious with money. I made sure the bills were paid in full, would tot it all up, he would quibble about the amount and pay late or skip that month.

Then the CF broke up with me! Then changed his mind. I wasn't for turning at that stage, bought him out of the house, lived on beans and toast for a bit but never looked back.

You are young OP. You deserve better. You will find it. You are wasting time in a relationship with someone who is perfectly nice on the surface but scratch that surface and they are very happy to treat you like their slave. Do not sacrifice your life to this. Do not have kids with this man.

candide47 · 18/02/2021 00:19

I cross posted there. Sorry you can't have kids OPThanks

TheyIsMyFamily · 18/02/2021 00:24

Sounds like he wants you to be the 'bad guy' and dump him.

So just do it, sell the house, split the proceeds per whatever agreement you made going in, and tell him to get to fuck.

grassisjeweled · 18/02/2021 00:25

Omg get rid. He doesn't even work?!

candide47 · 18/02/2021 00:36

Oh and in the meantime OP, just drop the rope. Don't go out of your way to wash his clothes, cook his food or wash dishes. Let the bin overflow the odd time. Maybe do that meal planning with just some picky things that suit you for dinner. And feel no guilt whatsoever about this.

NovemberR · 18/02/2021 00:38

I work roughly 50 hours a week. But I'd love to give it up.

I'd rather do about 10 hours a month and I'm very nice to cats. I'd be prepared to chip in a bit with the housework if you'd like to keep me.

Howshouldibehave · 18/02/2021 00:42

He does some ad-hoc work, a few hours a week

He’s treating you like a cash cow. Is that really all you want from life?

Providora · 18/02/2021 00:56

You are so young OP. Please don't tie yourself to this life for any longer!

This loser has done the classic bait and switch on you. Waited until you have a house together so he can reveal his true self, knowing how much harder it would be to extricate yourself. Hoping you'd just settle instead because hey, he's not beating you so it can't be that bad. You've been played.

There's nothing you can do to improve this, even if he started washing your clothes and paying his share, the underlying disrespect for you (and women in general) which got you to this point is a part of who he is. It will always be there and it will manifest itself in other ways down the track.

The only fix is to get out and move on, and the quicker you do that the better your life will be.

Starseed2021 · 18/02/2021 01:10

He pays a bit of money towards the mortgage and bills, but I have to remind/ tell him each month to transfer some to the joint account. If I don’t tell him, he won’t do it...I get a good wage, so technically can cover the whole cost of living without him

So you're his cash cow who funds his lifestyle then......

after buying this place together, he just seemed to sit back and wash his hands of any responsibility
Well...he's got his feet under the table now so to speak........

..and he's wearing you down to put up and shut up........

evenBetter · 18/02/2021 01:29

Your lover is living the absolute dream at your expense, OP. At this point you are, by way of your lifestyle choices, paying this boyfriend for sex. He’s not contributing anything, you’re being made a fool of.

itwillbehormones · 18/02/2021 01:40

He doesn't respect you.

Meggymoo777 · 18/02/2021 02:13

@chickennuggs

I think that’s the problem, *@billy1966 and @Aquamarine1029*. When I’ve seen other women post about men like mine, I’ve just felt complete empathy for them.

It’s hard to explain, because my rational brain says ‘of course I deserve more’ but there’s another voice that says ‘You get what you deserve- if you were better, did more, gave more, WERE more, he wouldn’t treat you that way’. Then it becomes this narrative and you blame yourself.

Compared to some of the posts on here, it’s tame. There’s no aggression or violence. I suppose that makes it easier to brush off and just keep going.

Ahhhh, OP, this post is heartbreaking, it really is.

Are you really going to continue living your life thinking and worrying that you're not good enough for a person who does nothing? Please tell me he has more redeeming qualities other than familiarity and a similar intelligence?

Good, hard working, admirable women get sucked in by this shit all the time, please don't be one of them x

You've obviously spoken to him already and it's resulted in no change so there's no point in making that recommendation.

If he's going to treat you like a flat mate at uni, then give this treatment back. Not mature, I know, BUT... stop cooking for him, cleaning for him, shopping for him, reminding him about anything, even hanging out with him in the evenings... if he doesn't step up and if he misses mortgage and bills don't remind him, inform him that as he obviously doesn't want to pay them you are in the process of changing everything to your name only, you will have things for him to sign and he has 4 weeks to vacate.

I wish you luck in whatever you decide OP x

DeeCeeCherry · 18/02/2021 02:31

NovemberR
Then I would sit him down tonight and say This relationship is over for me. We need to arrange about selling the house

I wouldn't give him the courtesy of bothering to explain why. He must surely know that he is not putting anything in. And financially he sounds a drain if he's only doing a bit of ad hoc work. I'm buggered if I'd be supporting someone this lazy and useless

This.

Just tell him, and arrange for house to be sold. He won't change. But you could get your life and time back and live in a peaceful, clean and tidy home.

Hopefully you won't be one of those who allows their life to be constrained by bricks and mortar via 'but it will be hassle to arrange to sell the house and split the proceeds'. Many people have no choice but to do this, and they get it done.

His level of laziness is shockingly disgusting. It must be very unattractive.

Selfishly picking out just his clothes to wash too ffs. Just, wow.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/02/2021 02:48

Can you buy him out of the house?

Then the cats can stay in their home with you.

Hailtomyteeth · 18/02/2021 02:54

So from this thread I've learned that you're mid-thirties, decent job, no children - you should be having the time of your life, not funding/servicing him. You owe it to yourself to have a life you enjoy, with a little happiness every day. He's got to go.

Just by breathing, by waking up in the morning, you deserve to be treated with consideration and respect. Instead, he's exploiting you, and would for the next forty years if you let him. Tell him he has to go. That trick with the laundry was the last straw.

PerveenMistry · 18/02/2021 03:27

Gross. Why are you with this boring moocher???

RantyAnty · 18/02/2021 03:32

Give yourself the gift of LTB!

My exH used to also only wash his things. So mean and petty.

I reckon he's been a huge drain on you and that has affected your self-esteem. Without him dragging you down, you'll feel so much better.

Take some action today to see what is needed to sell the house and split from him. Imagine how nice it will be to have a clean home and not have to tell a nearly 50 year old man to do anything at all.

Noncommittalagain · 18/02/2021 05:42

When I was in my mid 30s I was married to someone similar. He did work very long hours and I didn't work (2 pre schoolers) so didn't expect him to do very much at all but the not picking up after himself drove me mad. The relationship was ahusive and I saw that as an extension of the abuse - anyone who values your time so little that they think you should clear up their shit isn't a nice person.

We had separate rooms and I used to dump all his shit on his bed. His room became a health hazard and at one point you couldn't get through the door and all his washing and ironing ended up tangled in the wheels of his desk chair and torn. I found drugs in the house once and the police came to search it, they barricaded his room so the kids couldn't go in there because they thought it was too dangerous for them (because of the shit not the drugs) I've been gone nearly 2 years, he hasn't cleaned the house since I left. And he has a new gf living there.... vom

So the point is, he will never change. Run.

PurpleSneakers · 18/02/2021 06:21

Besides him doing less, is there anything else that has changed in the last year?

Snog · 18/02/2021 07:16

OP he doesn't respect you, and that's not fixable. There is nothing to build on here.

Sending you a hug and the strength to move on. Give a lot of consideration as to why you have set the bar so very low for a life partner. We don't get what we deserve we get what we will accept. Don't accept a lack of respect. Ever.

snowydaysandholidays · 18/02/2021 07:17

He would be out. No way would I ever put up with this op. No way.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 18/02/2021 07:32

But after buying this place together, he just seemed to sit back and wash his hands of any responsibility.

I bet he did!

I can't believe he went through the laundry to pick out his pieces only. He literally won't stick a wash on for you when he's doing it anyway. You don't need an affair or violence to end a relationship. Being unhappy is enough reason. Being treated like a vagina-powered service droid is more than enough reason. Being nice to the cats isn't enough!

Oblomov21 · 18/02/2021 08:00

"Whenever I’ve asked him why he doesn’t do anything, he either shrugs and says he doesn’t notice or care about it as much as I do, or he just completely ignores me and carries on with whatever he’s doing".

Then you need to say to him that you need to have a 'proper chat' and ask what time is convenient to do so.

Then at that time, sit him down and properly tell him.

FGS woman, take some control. Do something! Hmm

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