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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He does nothing.

152 replies

chickennuggs · 17/02/2021 17:23

I can't remember the last time my 'DP' did anything around the house that wasn't for his sole benefit.

I cook, clean, do the dishes, take the bins out, meal plan and order food shopping, put the shopping away, laundry. I also work full time, 7.30am-5.30pm weekdays, with around half a day on a weekend as prep. I'm working from home at the moment. He does some ad-hoc work, a few hours a week.

He used to do more- he would do the dishes because I cooked, sort recycling and rubbish, strip the bed. It's gradually stopped and I've picked up more and more, probably over the last year.

He came to bed really late last night/this morning but had set a load on to wash on timer. When it finished, I took it out to dry and realised he had picked through the basket and only pulled out HIS stuff to wash.

The bathroom really needs a clean but I told him last week it was his turn to do it for a change. It's still not done and it's driving me crazy. He leaves mess out when he stays up at night, so I come down in the morning to a shit tip. I've asked, nagged, shouted, begged him to at least clean up after himself and put things in the right place, and I've tried just leaving it, but he seems blind to it.

I don't know what else to do. Is it reaching LTB territory? Death by towering pile of cans he won't put in the recycling?

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 17/02/2021 23:11

I think you need to seriously consider your options. It sounds as if he has opted out of the relationship.

finished31 · 17/02/2021 23:12

@chickennuggs

He’s late 40s, I’m mid 30s. We’ve been together since I was 24, but have only properly lived together for 6 years.
It's only going to get worse in the future. You need to decide if you love him enough to be the cook/cleaner/dogsbody skivy or LTB.

Your still younger enough to move on and find happiness.

Margotshypotheticaldog · 17/02/2021 23:13

You're so young plenty, of great years ahead. And so lucky that there are no kids involved. Let this be the beginning of an exciting new chapter in your life!

billy1966 · 17/02/2021 23:16

Why would you settle for so little is the question?

chipsandgin · 17/02/2021 23:18

Time to tell him his not pulling his weight & that making you feel like his mother isn’t exactly a turn on! That or sack it off as a waste of time (comfort, familiarity & being nice to cats seems like a low bar...I’d rather have sexy, funny, equal, cares, listens & we have fun & great sex & a similar view of life and plans for a happy future for example, everyone is different though!!)..

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 17/02/2021 23:20

I'd tell him he's got 6 months to pull his socks up or that's it relationship over and he can find himself a new unpaid slave.
I wouldn't stand for this crap.

billy1966 · 17/02/2021 23:21

Oh and the shame will really be now that you are questioning why you are with such a waste of space?, but you stayed.

When I read posts like yours OP it makes me realise that some people place absolutely no value on their lives.

How could you, when you spend it with someone who just uses you as a skivvy and could care less.

You deserve better, but just don't seem to realise it.
Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 17/02/2021 23:22

It is really hard to understand why you're putting up with this. You have everything going for you, and he adds absolutely no value to your life. You should want better for yourself.

HomicidalPsychoJungleCat · 17/02/2021 23:22

I had a husband like this...im divorcing him. Life is seriously too short to have to nag a man child.

chickennuggs · 17/02/2021 23:31

I think that’s the problem, @billy1966 and @Aquamarine1029. When I’ve seen other women post about men like mine, I’ve just felt complete empathy for them.

It’s hard to explain, because my rational brain says ‘of course I deserve more’ but there’s another voice that says ‘You get what you deserve- if you were better, did more, gave more, WERE more, he wouldn’t treat you that way’. Then it becomes this narrative and you blame yourself.

Compared to some of the posts on here, it’s tame. There’s no aggression or violence. I suppose that makes it easier to brush off and just keep going.

OP posts:
NotMyPremium · 17/02/2021 23:34

I had a husband similar as well, he was more my child than husband. I divorced him. It was unattractive and exhausting having to do all of the thinking and doing or asking to be done. He also had the same excuse of not caring as much as I did as well. Well he cared when he lost his substitute mother.

LaVitaPuoEsserePiuBella · 17/02/2021 23:35

@chickennuggs

No, no kids, thank god. We own the house together though.

I don't understand what has changed. It never used to be this bad.

But yes, I feel like I'm his bloody mother and it's so deeply unattractive. I don't want to spend my life nagging.

You don't have to spend your life "nagging" (horrible sexist word). Just walk away. What's the point of your relationship? Sounds so joyless.
Grimsknee · 17/02/2021 23:42

My 18 year old son has a great sense of humour but that wouldn't make him a good partner. What might is that he does a ton more housework than this guy, OP. Get rid of this grifter who's not paying his way, doing any housework , or doing anything at all for you. Get some counselling before you start any new relationship. You don't ask your partner why he doesn't help- you state your expectation that he does an equal share of housework, and pay an equal share of bills.

MrDarcysMa · 17/02/2021 23:46

Fuck that!

wanderedlonelyasacloud · 17/02/2021 23:49

Yes this is definitely in LTB territory, way into it.

He doesn't respect you or your time, he doesn't respect your home. You have to remind him to pay his part of the bills.

You are settling. You deserve so much more. I completely understand that it would be difficult to think about leaving this stale yet comfortable set up, but think about how much LESS you would have to do if he wasn't there.

Less mess, less washing up, less laundry etc. You're doing all this work anyway and it would be halved if he was gone.

Leave and start over now before you waste any more of your life with him Flowers

thenewduchessofhastings · 17/02/2021 23:49

@chickennuggs

Why isn't he working at the moment?

You don't have children with this irresponsible man child (hurray) but if you'd like to be a mum one day can you actually imagine what he'd be like as a dad?;he'd be awful.

It sounds like you DP was basically waiting for a woman to come along to take care of him.

Don't settle for this crap;if you left him you could very well meet the absolute love of your life.

WoodpileHouse · 17/02/2021 23:52

Is that you Aleesha Dixon?

caringcarer · 17/02/2021 23:52

If you had a sister and her partner treated her like this, what would you say to her? You are just as deserving of a loving partner as anyone else OP. He basically treats the cats better than he treats you. After all you do for him he won't even wash a sick for you. He is home most of the time, doing what exactly? Waiting for you to cook him a meal or wash his dishes. He has left the relationship emotionally anyway. You say you don't feel loved or cared for so buy him out and move on. Trade him up to a better and more considerate model. Don't leave it and don't let him change your mind. 36 gives you time to be build a new and better life.

HerMammy · 17/02/2021 23:56

He is lovely to the cats
🤣🤣

most definitely not the reason to tolerate a cocklodging lazy get

jazz1995 · 17/02/2021 23:56

Look OP....your letting him get away with not paying his fair share of the bills and not doing any housework.

Why on earth would he change that by choice? I don’t think any of us would. If someone came to me and said “hey! I’ll pay 90% of your bills and do all your housework for you!” Id bite their hand off. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar.

He’s taking you for a dickhead. You have two choices:

  1. Sit him down and say he works to pay half the bills and does half the housework. Don’t do ANY housework for him- when you cook you cook for you. When you do washing you do your own. A bit more problematic with other jobs I agree.
  1. LTB- which I think you need to.
Clymene · 17/02/2021 23:58

He's really an early winner for Cocklodger of the Year 2021. Not only does he barely work or contribute much to the mortgage, he does fuck all around the house and even goes to the effort of picking out your dirty clothes so he doesn't waste any energy in washing them. He is really doing a massive pair of vees at you.

As they always say around here. You can't change him but you can change the way you respond.

See if you can speak to a solicitor tomorrow about buying him out. Talk to him on Saturday morning. End it now.

evenBetter · 18/02/2021 00:00

Get the ball rolling on selling the house, and finding somewhere new to live, don’t give this festering, irrelevant male a second thought. Same as what he does for you. Never accept such trash again, it’s time for people like this to just die out, I can’t understand who’s still breeding them.

RandomMess · 18/02/2021 00:03

You will be so much happier and richer without him!!

You will have the chance to meet some that is your equal rather than you child.

comingintomyown · 18/02/2021 00:07

The washing thing is the clincher

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 18/02/2021 00:11

So does he not work
Either ?
I am currently out of work and dh working long days and bit at weekend so I am picking up most of the housework as I am here all day and apart from applying for jobs / interviews have the time.
So dh may help a little at weekend but midweek I do it all ( apart from couple chores teenagers pick up)as that seems fair
When i hopefully get a job again we will go back to sharing the chores plus putting a bit more on kids.

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