He does nothing.

[chickennuggs]

I can't remember the last time my 'DP' did anything around the house that wasn't for his sole benefit.

I cook, clean, do the dishes, take the bins out, meal plan and order food shopping, put the shopping away, laundry. I also work full time, 7.30am-5.30pm weekdays, with around half a day on a weekend as prep. I'm working from home at the moment. He does some ad-hoc work, a few hours a week.

He used to do more- he would do the dishes because I cooked, sort recycling and rubbish, strip the bed. It's gradually stopped and I've picked up more and more, probably over the last year.

He came to bed really late last night/this morning but had set a load on to wash on timer. When it finished, I took it out to dry and realised he had picked through the basket and only pulled out HIS stuff to wash.

The bathroom really needs a clean but I told him last week it was his turn to do it for a change. It's still not done and it's driving me crazy. He leaves mess out when he stays up at night, so I come down in the morning to a shit tip. I've asked, nagged, shouted, begged him to at least clean up after himself and put things in the right place, and I've tried just leaving it, but he seems blind to it.

I don't know what else to do. Is it reaching LTB territory? Death by towering pile of cans he won't put in the recycling?

Get rid!

I would sit him down and give him an ultimatum. Either he becomes an equal partner doing his fair share of everything or you split up. Accept no less.

I haven't been able to maintain the attraction to men who have behaved like this. I had a proper talk to my current bf about how important it is to me with someone who is an equal adult in our relationship. Otherwise I start treating and thinking of them as I do my teens and the attraction disappears.

When I look back on a relationship I had in my 20's which sounds quite similar to what you describe, I honestly find it difficult to fathom why it took me so long to get rid of him. I do know that I have not regretted finally (sic) breaking up with him. It was all reasonable amicable once I said this isn't working for me.

Not for one single second have I ever regretted breaking up, only that I didn't do it sooner.

Sending you great waves of self esteem to motivate you to get sorted. What better thing to accomplish in these lockdown days that to make yourself free and independent?

Once you have some space to breathe, you might want to find how a big about how your brain works and why it sometimes lets you do things like this to yourself

Good luck. Well, and de joy your good choices.

“Compared to some of the posts on here, it’s tame. There’s no aggression or violence. I suppose that makes it easier to brush off and just keep going.”

Why is your bar so low, OP? A life partnership should enhance your life in a multitude of ways. When did “at least he doesn’t hit me” become enough? And there is a kind of psychological violence in refusing to do anything around the house and leaving it all to you. It sounds as if you think that it’s better to have a poor relationship than no relationship at all. It really is not. Much better to be single than badly accompanied.

This is your life you’re wasting, OP. Especially if you want children, this guy is the wrong person so you need time to find someone else or decide whether you’re committed enough to becoming a parent that you’ll go it alone and in your mid-30s you’re running out of time. If you don’t want children, then there is less of a hurry except that it’s still your life passing you by while you live in what has become a poor quality flat-share.

To be honest I wouldn't bother sitting him down to try and get him to buck his ideas up and coax him into being a responsible and caring adult.

He thinks it is ok not to pull his weight financially unless reminded to do so. He also thinks it is ok to let you do everything and when he does get off his backside, he cherry picks his own washing and deliberately leaves yours?

Realistically any "change" will be temporary as you're not going to be able to fundamentally adjust his morals/values or what he thinks is acceptable/normal behaviour.

My sister was married to someone like this he did nothing and had to be reminded to pay for anything that wasn't alcohol or cigarettes. He eventually cheated on her, gaslit her and the rest of the family ultimately so he could stay and enjoy the status quo because in the end my sister was paying for everything. He was gutted when she finally put her foot down.

I think this behaviour can stem from him not getting what he wants out of the relationship. He probably needs your attention a lot, and I dare say he wants a lot more and better sex than he gets. And you will still have to tell him what to do. It could also be because you never say well done when he has done a job that he would never think twice about thanking you for, because he considers it to be your job.

You both might want to read the link below. If he reads it and takes it on board then you may save your marriage. If he doesn’t, then contempt will set in over the long term. www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

@TheRulesDontApplyToMe is this a joke ?
Op isn't giving him good enough sex ? 🥴

He probably needs your attention a lot, and I dare say he wants a lot more and better sex than he gets. And you will still have to tell him what to do. It could also be because you never say well done when he has done a job that he would never think twice about thanking you for, because he considers it to be your job.

She's busy working and doing everything around the house. Maybe if he picked up some slack she would have more attention to give...

I wouldn't want to give 'more and better sex' to someone so insufferably selfish either.

I will never tell a grown man 'well done' for doing the dishes or laundry. Because it's an absolutely ridiculous thing to congratulate someone for. And yes I would bet my house he doesn't show any genuine gratitude for the fact she does all of it at the moment.

Why do we hold women to a higher standard and expectation than men? Her contempt should be present already and if I was her friend or family I would be encouraging her to leave this unhealthy, exhausting relationship not try to teach a selfish wanker to be considerate and decent if he isn't naturally those things at all.

This man watches his own partner work hard, do everything around the house and then picked out his own bits of laundry and disregarded hers.

He's a run of the mill wanker with no respect for women. He isn't even a classic misogynist who sees the home and the home only as the woman's domain (yuck) he is extra prickish in that he believes that and expects her to subsidise his entire life financially too.

OP - do not waste your life on someone who doesn't even act like they like you let alone love you.

Thank you for the link to that article. I realise I’ve read snippets of it before, probably here on MN. It completely sums up how I feel, and how he reacts. He’s baffled when I get fed up with putting his rubbish into the recycling every morning, or when he puts the cat food down a few inches off the mat, so the floor gets cat food on it. I’ve even asked if he does it on purpose to piss me off.

There’s been a few comments about him basically using me for sex. He’s not even interested in that.

I think looking back over the last year or so, the only difference is in me, not him. I’ve been working from home almost the whole time since the first lockdown, and I’m shielding, so he’s really my only company. I was also badly ill for 6 months before that, weeks in hospital and then time off work. Normally I would be so busy at work, I think I was too worn out to notice how bad things are. Being ill and then lockdown brought it all to focus, I suppose.

If there is equality and respect for you in the relationship, he would fairly come to an arrangement in the home where you are both sharing the domestic burdens. He is treating you like a slave and domestic servant. His lack of consideration for your concerns about him pitching in - and failure to do anything at all to make any effort, is a sign of this is as good as he gets.

Even if you were to break up, and you returned on a future promise he would step up, it would only last until he’s assured again of you staying and picking up all the domestic and mental load.

If your resentment thus far hasn’t already killed the relationship, it will only be a downward spiral from here, until there is a burning resentment and possible rage.

It’s another LTB from me.

Oh, and in case the link wasn’t provided, here it is:

www.google.com.au/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

@NotMyPremium

I had a husband similar as well, he was more my child than husband. I divorced him. It was unattractive and exhausting having to do all of the thinking and doing or asking to be done. He also had the same excuse of not caring as much as I did as well. Well he cared when he lost his substitute mother.

Me too; I worked full time, contributed 50% financially, dealt with our 2 DC & dog and ran than house entirely without his help. After 15 years I told him I needed him to cook dinner once a week - his choice of meal and day and he refused. He now gets to cook his own dinner every night for the rest of his life. The best move I ever made

Of course you LTB. He's treating you with so much disdain. I'd tell him it was over, tell him to figure out his finances and start covering half or leave, seek legal advice re house, and do absolutely nothing for him at home. No cooking, no washing, nothing. I'd eat take away and off paper plates if it meant not putting the dishwasher on.

"It’s hard to explain, because my rational brain says ‘of course I deserve more’ but there’s another voice that says ‘You get what you deserve- if you were better, did more, gave more, WERE more, he wouldn’t treat you that way’. Then it becomes this narrative and you blame yourself"

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Think about this a lot more. Who taught you this damaging lesson that you're somehow "not good enough"?. I would certainly look into "people pleasing" as that is also a part of why you're with someone like this man. This man knew this about you and has completely run with it making you his personal skivvy. He does nothing for you personally other than be nice to the cats. Its a very low relationship bar you've set for yourself here and he knows that too.

Keeping on going like this will merely further run your own self into the ground. This is who he is and indeed both lockdown and your periods of ill health have brought this into sharp focus.

You have a choice re this man. You do not have to remain his personal skivvy.

Either TheRulesDon'tApplyToMe has posted in the wrong thread or they are talking utter bollox. Or they are the OP's OH. Or just a. twat. What a load of crap to take from the Ops posts. He doesn't get enough sex or appreciation? Doesn't sound like he doesn't do anything that can be appreciated. And Chickennuggs update shows lack of sex is from his side not hers!

OP's OH is a lazy, dirty, cocklodger. He's waited until they have the house (which sounds like OP is paying for -) before he shows his true colours.

He's a 40-year old who shares a house with his partner and only works at most 10 hours a month. Lazy fucker!

Chickennuggs, I can't profess to know how you feel, I'm a bloke in his 60's. but I'm disgusted that a so-called 'man' can treat you like this. It'll be difficult as he isn't who you thought he was. he probably saw you as a meal ticket from the beginning.

You only get once life and you need to get away from him so you can have yours to enjoy.

Better to be just you and your cats and ditch the bell end asap

Good luck.

Does this mirror your parents' relationship OP?
Is that why you think it is ok?

Please, please, please listen to what Attila and billyt are saying. There are reasons why you have accepted such an unfulfilling and unjoyful relationship for so long. Do you really want to have settled at age 24?

If you're mid-30s and he's late 40s now that means that when you were 24 he was in his late 30s. Mumsnet has taught me that there are usually reasons why a man that age pursues a significantly younger woman and it's all about what works for the man and not the woman. It's usually because the man is immature, not wanting to grow up and not wanting to face the demands a woman his own age would likely put on him. You're a case in point. What appealed to you when you were 24 is not remotely appealing now you're in your mid-30s but he's the same man he's always been.

But you know, OP, life is not a dress rehearsal, this is your one shot. In choosing to remain with this man when you could easily walk away right now (no shared children, you are financially independent), you are choosing to waste time which is particularly precious if you have hopes of having children (because this is not the guy to have them with). Even if you don’t, every day spent with this guy is another day of missed opportunity to be living a rewarding and fulfilling single life and/or to find a partner who brings you significant joy, desires you and shares your view of what a shared life should look like. Nothing is ever perfect but this relationship is very far from good enough and you are wasting your time by staying in it.

This is one of the worst things I've read on MN.

He sounds like an absolute animal.

• Doesn't pay his half
• Leaves ALL the chores to you, to do
• When he does do something, like the washing, he only does his own
• Is shit in bed (or absent)

This isn't what any relationship should look like.

My DH works full time, and I do minimal hours from home running an established business. I do everything in the home, because I have loads of free time, and DH doesn't. I also pay half the bills.

He needs to look for work, and in the meantime do ALL of the chores, because you are working.

He won't do that though.

You really only have 2 options :

1. Do nothing - and you will still be his slave when you're 80.

1. Boot him out.

The fact that you say he isn't violent as a plus is crazy - most men aren't violent, how is this even relevant here?

He knows how upsetting you find his slobbery, news flash, he doesn't give a shit. He doesn't love you either - when you love someone, you try to make their lives better/easier in every way.

@billyt, I think Rules was saying those things from what they considered to be my partner’s possible thoughts. I don’t think Rules agrees or believes those things themselves.

@Snog, no, my parents are a good partnership. Dad always worked his socks off during the week but was really hands on at the weekend with housework and us kids. There is some complicated background with my mum in particular that would be too outing to share here which will have contributed to me being a pleaser.

This is who he is and he’s not going to change.

So if he only works a couple of days a month, and does bugger all it the way of household chores - what does he spend his time doing?

You are only mid-30s, do you want this to be your life for the next 50 years?

Get rid of this idle slob. You should be loved, cherished, admired and respected.

Sounds a lot like my ex.

He'd even occasionally go to the supermarket on the way home & buy just his own toiletries / beer / crisps & when asked why he hadn't checked if we needed anything would say "Oh I didn't have time, I was just popping in quickly" so I'd have to go out for milk etc if we were short.

I'd also buy "his" stuff when I was shopping, so it wasn't as though he went without!

Don't worry about sunk costs, think about what you can do now.

Thanks to those who posted the article, that's the one I was thinking about... I was doing all the mental load stuff, it's been an interesting exercise sharing it. 😁

You are the one who has changed in the last year or so. You are the only one who is going to change this situation.

He is a cock lodger OP get rid of him.

And do be kind to yourself as it's a slow burn of neglect, not acute abuse so you get used to it.

I've got a friend with a complete cocklodger, I have no idea what to say to her as she clearly doesn't want to be on her own but she's really struggling and it's 10 years on from your age.

Does he have a car? If so you can do the twat test.

Is his car always clean? Does he moan if you leave rubbish in it, spend hours cleaning it? If that's the case then you've got a misogynistic twat who thinks anything housework related is women's work. He can see dirt and rubbish no problem - if it's in his car, if it's in the house then it's your issue to deal with. He won't change, so get rid.

If his car is a mess and he doesn't look after it then he's a dirty, lazy twat. He won't change, so get rid.

I'm sort of being flippant with the twat test, it really doesn't make any difference overall but it is just interesting sometimes to apply it to men who "don't see dirt or mess" around the house but who's cars are spotless.

The bottom line is that men like that don't change.