did I make the right decision?

[crossroads1]

hi all , long post alert so I apologise in advance.

I got married a few months ago, hubby and I were fed up of having to keep postponing due to corona so got married and then lockdown happened. DH and I have known each other for a decade and been together for a few years - we were completely head over heels for each other.. and then we got married and everything changed.

I started to become such a bitch to him. To give some content to how this started, at our wedding even though it was small, his side were rubbish with gifts. My side was really generous whereas his side didn't give us anything. his bro-in law said 'our present was coming next week'...that was 4 months ago. Then I moved into his house (MIL also lives with us but is lovely so I didn't mind) (side note - we didn't live together before marriage- its a cultural thing)...

I started harbouring this resentment about the lack of gifts that were given from his side and then I started taking digs at the house - the decor, and old fashioned cutlery, everything just seemed to annoy me!! I might add that I earn a lot more than him, I have a better job, more educated and generally 'status' wise my family are on a diff level, this didn't bother me initially because I was crazy about him but after the wedding and moving in I started to wonder if I had made a wrong decision, I do like the finer things in life and I don't know if he can give them to me.

cut to last week and we decided to have a few drinks as we didn't get to have a honeymoon or any downtime. Ill also add we ended up testing positive for coronavirus so recently its all bit a bit grim...

we had a few drinks and then it all started coming out, he started saying Its obvious that I dont wanna be here and that I think Im too good for him. He started to put some of my things in a bag and talking nonsense, in the midst of this he pushed me, so I pushed him back and slapped him. He then smacked me back right across the face, I was so shocked that I got my coat and was ready to leave.

the next day we had a long chat and he said he's so ashamed and hates himself for doing that. I know I shouldn't have got physical either but one thing just led to another and it started from the wedding. we both said we wish we could go back to how we used to be before but I never thought he would get so aggressive, we used to laugh together and be happy, I dont know if its lockdown or just me feeling depressed but I feel like I've gotten into a mess.

Im asking on here for advice-pls no judgement, I know I can come across as stuck up or looking down on his family but I'm just trying to figure out this thing called marriage...its like we have turned into 2 diff people. the physical fight last week really changed the way I think about him... there's never an excuse to get violent with each other and what if this happens again, I've heard so many stories of things like this where women die, he says he never would touch me again but doesn't everyone say that?!

ill add I know I'm not a saint, for the entire time we've been married I've been very critical, I used to call him my marshmallow because he's usually very soft and gentle. it takes a lot for him to get angry - I'm the one who's usually on 100mph whereas he's cruising.. can we ever get back to how we were or should just jump ship now?

There is so much to be said here, but I'll just state the obvious. Get out of that house and end this car crash of a marriage that is doomed to fail. Both of you will be much better off.

You slapped him first. Lets not pretend you are worried about violence from him when you are capable of giving it out. Did you think because you are female then you get to hit a male and he cannot retaliate.

You don't sound compatible at all and you do sound like you think you are far better than him. Why should he be giving you the finer things in life? You apparently are far superior so you do them for yourself.

Either split now and just cut your losses or get some counselling about what gives you the right to look down on others, especially someone who you loved enough to marry.

Hmmm.

In the nicest way, you may want to re- examine your values.

Sometimes marriage/ children brings out deeply held beliefs that we aren't really conscious of.

Do you really expect to be ' kept', or do you want to be an equal partner?

What qualities do you feel are most important in a partner?

Do YOU embody those?

I must say that it’s good you both had the chat and you know you are being not very nice.

Money and material things are nice but they will not cuddle you and make you laugh and build happy memories all through your life till old age and share their innermost feelings with you.

You are building a family with him, hopefully a happy one. Focus on this task rather than the poor quality gifts. Those things are neither here nor there in the grand scene of things.

He might never hit you again but always remember that you hit him first and you said you had both been drinking. Forgive him and forgive yourself... Work on being a nicer and more loving and less materialistic person or you might loose him.

If you don't want kids you'd still be foolish to stay in this marriage IMO.

If you do want kids you would be incredibly selfish, too.

You’re just the kind of young lady that I’m hoping my son doesn’t end up with

I don't normally read OP's previous threads, but for some reason with yours I did.

One thing jumped out at me on one of your posts my DP is a godsend for me he never makes me feel inadequate.. I just seem to do it to myself.

You seem to be turning your feelings of inadequacy onto your husband. The violence, from both of you, needs to stop. Maybe time away from each other. Get some counselling.

Read some of your previous posts to remind yourself why you married him. It sounds like you want him to leave you just like your ex did.

You sound like you're so desperately unhappy. My heart goes out to you. Good luck OP.

This relationship sounds awful to be honest,you do come across like you want to be a kept women! And the wedding gifts?does the value of them actually matter? Alot of people are struggling financially ( due to covid) I myself got made redundant 22 December,I personally would end the relationship x

Sounds like a toxic and awful relationship. What is to be gained from staying in it?

If this was written from his perspective people would be calling you abusive. You need to take a long hard look at yourself.

The wedding gifts wouldn't bother me, you do sound quite 'entitled' like you feel his family should have spent lots of money on your gifts, we're in a pandemic maybe they just didn't have the money to spend.
Violence is always wrong but you instigated it. You say you're worried he might be violent again but what about you? You've shown you're just as capable.
If it was me, I'd end it before kids come along. You don't sound very well matched

If you want the finer things in life then you can buy them yourself op, you said you have a good job.

The violence from both of you is unacceptable, you would probably benefit from individual counselling and leaving the relationship

Do you think maybe this has come from getting married to someone you've not lived with? I know you said it's your culture so it's understandable but I really don't think you truly know someone until you have lived together day in day out. Marriage and moving in together is a lot of pressure very soon add in lockdown and a live in mil and it's no wander you've both reached boiling point.

Finer things in life

Didn’t you know this before marrying him? Hadn’t you spent time with this family, in their home, and realised these things bother you?

I won’t live with my partner before marriage either. But my parents (and hopefully, his) have encouraged me to spend A LOT of time with him, in his family home, going on holidays together and getting to see these little details that may annoy me in the future. It’s not about decor, it’s about lifestyle and principles and way of living, basically. It’s very difficult to see if you’re compatible if you don’t live together before marrying. It’s doable but it’s that much harder.

Do you want to fight for your marriage at all? You behaved horribly at the beginning of it and it all sounds very toxic to be fair.

The wedding gifts is a petty issue and you should get over that
Waiting until after marriage to live together and then moving in with him and his mum was inevitably going to be awful. You say it's a cultural issue but I'm going to guess it's not part of your culture to be together for years before marriage and live independent lives before doing that. It's one thing moving in with MIL at age 20 straight from parents and quite another doing it in your late 20s or 30s. Your expectations will be very different.
The aggressive behaviour is awful and though he pushed you first you also participated in escalating it and you should take time apart to really think about your choices and next steps.

Living together requires you to be a team.
You don't seem to be a team player.

You need to consider what you really want from a relationship.
Atm you come across as materialistic and judgemental.

Let the wedding go because you can't change the gift situation and its not your dh's fault how is family his.
Either live in the family home gracefully or get your own place.
You are in danger of wrecking your relationship for things that don't matter.

If you want the finer things in life then you make steps to get them. Why should your husband get them for you if he's not bothered about that kind of stuff?

Though honestly, you've gotten aggressive with each other, he hit you! and that's hard to come back from. I would consider separating - it sounds like it could all become more toxic than it is now.

And really I would try to reflect, before the physical fight, you seem angry at him and his family...do they deserve that? Just for not getting you enough gifts?

Who cares what presents you got ?? When I got married, that was the last thing on my mind. Nearly 30 years wed, my values are intact, and I definitely married for the right reasons.

Sorry but this all seems driven by you?

You started picking you n him post wedding because the gifts weren’t good enough for you, you started the fight and slapped him first?
It’s a basic rule to understand that if you hit someone expect to be hit back! To be honest it sounds like you needed that as a wake up call, otherwise how many times would you of slapped him again if he hadn’t hit you back?

It’s completely disfunctional and fucked up!
I would pack my bags and leave.

You sound abusive and in my opinion you need to seek therapy for yourself in order to not carry on doing this to your family.
If my partner hit me then I would absolutely hit them back.
You are ungrateful.
You have high expectations of others but not yourself.

Leave until you can do better IMO

By 'finer things in life' I mean for the two of us - our future, children, our house, Ive worked hard and I want to be able to reap those benefits.

I may sound materialistic but truth is I'm not flashy (or maybe I am and marriage has revealed it) he isn't flashy at all but I dont want to live like, and I'm sorry to say, like I'm poor. Here they use things until its on the last legs or dont seem to care about old things which they've had for 50 years!!

everything about the weddings - gifts etc, wasn't his fault and I recognise this. it just made me feel like I had gotten married into a thoughtless family. his BIL who said the present 'was on its way' is not unable to get us something. He is super wealthy yet he couldn't be bothered to give us something even though he wa only one of a handful of people there? My family, even extended, and from abroad still sent us things!

the lack of thought is what seems to be eating me up and in turn I've been taking it out on him, I did say to him which was so awful, that I dont want to feel like Im a tramp. I come from a family of very high expectations. I had obviously been privy to his house etc before we were married but the wedding shocked me. we didn't receive a single thing from his side, and its not because of money, I think they are just a bit thick and thoughtless.

My dh on the other hand isn't - he is lovely and we used to have a great relationship. I understand how I sound but I have no one else to take it out on, I wish I wasn't so horrible and brutal with my words but sometimes I can't help it.

my mum and him have a great relationship, or used to, she loved everything about him but even after were married she decides to tell me that she thinks Im too good for him. I asked her why she's saying this now as she's making me feel I made the wrong decision. my mother is very critical and we've been raised with high goals in life.

lll also add my DH has had his hours cut down and I know finances do stress him. I'm not trying to be a burden and I ever rely on him for gifts (I hardly get anything from him) but sometimes Id like to, wouldn't we all sometimes like to get treated?

Another thing to add is I think dh gets taken advantage of. For his family he does everything yet for his own family he gets diddly squat?

he spends so much money on his nieces yet their dad (who is the BIL who I have a bone to pick with) can't be bothered to even give us a card? It makes me so angry, they can afford a Range Rover and live in a £1m house yet can't make the effort for our wedding?

AIBU, because if I am I can't see it

I think you've married the wrong man for you. And this:

I understand how I sound but I have no one else to take it out on, I wish I wasn't so horrible and brutal with my words but sometimes I can't help it

OP you shouldn't be taking anything out on anyone. That's not what you do to people you love. "I can't help it" is a really shit excuse. If you can't manage your emotions then you need professional help.

I say this as someone with a hot temper (I can go from 0-100 very, very fast) who has weekly therapy. My crazy moods are no one but mine to solve. My dp is a gentle sort. He would be crushed if I 'took things out' on him.

@crossroads1

Another thing to add is I think dh gets taken advantage of. For his family he does everything yet for his own family he gets diddly squat?

he spends so much money on his nieces yet their dad (who is the BIL who I have a bone to pick with) can't be bothered to even give us a card? It makes me so angry, they can afford a Range Rover and live in a £1m house yet can't make the effort for our wedding?

AIBU, because if I am I can't see it

On this very specific issue, yanbu. DH should scale back what he does if he feels he's not getting the same back. Only of he wants to, it's his family. But I think you know that's not what this thread is about.

You appear by your own description to have engaged in a pattern of abuse from the date of your wedding that culminated in you physically assaulting your spouse.

That makes you an abuser.

I wish I wasn't so horrible and brutal with my words but sometimes I can't help it.

You are an adult. You are responsible for your own actions.

It is not acceptable to continue your pattern of abuse. Since you state that you are unable to stop, you should end the relationship immediately to protect your spouse and allow him to move on with his life and build non-abusive relationships.

You can and should then seek professional help until you can refrain from abusing people.