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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

did I make the right decision?

116 replies

crossroads1 · 16/02/2021 23:10

hi all , long post alert so I apologise in advance.

I got married a few months ago, hubby and I were fed up of having to keep postponing due to corona so got married and then lockdown happened. DH and I have known each other for a decade and been together for a few years - we were completely head over heels for each other.. and then we got married and everything changed.

I started to become such a bitch to him. To give some content to how this started, at our wedding even though it was small, his side were rubbish with gifts. My side was really generous whereas his side didn't give us anything. his bro-in law said 'our present was coming next week'...that was 4 months ago. Then I moved into his house (MIL also lives with us but is lovely so I didn't mind) (side note - we didn't live together before marriage- its a cultural thing)...

I started harbouring this resentment about the lack of gifts that were given from his side and then I started taking digs at the house - the decor, and old fashioned cutlery, everything just seemed to annoy me!! I might add that I earn a lot more than him, I have a better job, more educated and generally 'status' wise my family are on a diff level, this didn't bother me initially because I was crazy about him but after the wedding and moving in I started to wonder if I had made a wrong decision, I do like the finer things in life and I don't know if he can give them to me.

cut to last week and we decided to have a few drinks as we didn't get to have a honeymoon or any downtime. Ill also add we ended up testing positive for coronavirus so recently its all bit a bit grim...

we had a few drinks and then it all started coming out, he started saying Its obvious that I dont wanna be here and that I think Im too good for him. He started to put some of my things in a bag and talking nonsense, in the midst of this he pushed me, so I pushed him back and slapped him. He then smacked me back right across the face, I was so shocked that I got my coat and was ready to leave.

the next day we had a long chat and he said he's so ashamed and hates himself for doing that. I know I shouldn't have got physical either but one thing just led to another and it started from the wedding. we both said we wish we could go back to how we used to be before but I never thought he would get so aggressive, we used to laugh together and be happy, I dont know if its lockdown or just me feeling depressed but I feel like I've gotten into a mess.

Im asking on here for advice-pls no judgement, I know I can come across as stuck up or looking down on his family but I'm just trying to figure out this thing called marriage...its like we have turned into 2 diff people. the physical fight last week really changed the way I think about him... there's never an excuse to get violent with each other and what if this happens again, I've heard so many stories of things like this where women die, he says he never would touch me again but doesn't everyone say that?!

ill add I know I'm not a saint, for the entire time we've been married I've been very critical, I used to call him my marshmallow because he's usually very soft and gentle. it takes a lot for him to get angry - I'm the one who's usually on 100mph whereas he's cruising.. can we ever get back to how we were or should just jump ship now?

OP posts:

Saltedhero · 17/02/2021 16:02

Surely it's more concerning the slapping, fighting and arguing in your new marriage, than worrying about your brother in laws lack of buying a wedding gift & card, you have your priorities all wrong. Sounds like you need to be the centre of attention. As I said before high maintenance

Canitbemagic · 17/02/2021 16:06

The lack of gifts is depressing but what did he do ? It upset you - so did support you and bring it up with them.
Violence is not acceptable. I don’t want to be all gloom and doom but without both parties wanting to make it work - it won’t. 10 years is a long time to wait before marriage. Culturally you didn’t move in for that reason? So is divorce acceptable? Can you get an annulment.

Livpool · 17/02/2021 16:14

He deserved the slap?!

You sound lovely(!)

Somethingkindaoooo · 17/02/2021 16:29

Op
I just asked about FIL as being a single parent can have such a massive impact on everything else. Doubly so with a special needs child in the mix.

I can imagine that MiL just has no energy left for home decoration, etc.
Do other relatives help support the household? I'm wondering , if they do support the household, perhaps they didn't feel the need to buy a gift for a house they already support.
I know that still isn't right.

Moving forward- please, do examine what you feel is really important in a relationship.
Would it help if you personalised your bedroom?

Onelifeonly · 17/02/2021 17:25

Having read through, at times I began to feel sympathy for you, but then your obsession with the bil and lack of gifts changed my mind. You've just married the man you love but you only talk about his family and what you dislike/ disapprove of about them.

I can well understand the irritations and problems of living with his family, though I am appalled you think most people dislike their in laws. Personally I would hate to have ever lived with mine but I liked them very much. Living with others is not easy - maybe you've only ever lived with your own family? Everyone has different views, habits and values - I understand coming up against those could be hard for you, but you seemingly went into it quite happily.

Maybe the answer is for you as a couple to find your own place, without those distractions, and find out if you can live happily together. Although it sounds as if his values may well be the same as his family's, in which case maybe you aren't as well matched as you thought?

Also the fact you look down on his job and level of education doesn't bode well.

It sounds like you were in love with the idea of being in love but didn't really think about who he actually is and what life might be like with him.

The trouble is meeting someone for fun days out and dates is not at all the same as living with them. You could adjust to it, but it doesn't sound as if you are trying to do this. I'm sure lockdown and lack of fun places to go doesn't help, but that's the situation we are all in at the moment.

You both need to decide how to move on from this awful situation.

MaeveDidIt · 17/02/2021 17:37

I hope my DS never has the misfortune to meet someone like you.
Poor bloke.

cheeseismydownfall · 17/02/2021 18:20

I cannot for the life of me understand why you are focussing so heavily on his family and letting your feelings about them take centre stage in your marriage. You aren't married to his family, you are married to him. You find them selfish and thoughtless, but if your DH isn't like that then quite frankly you are mad to let this issue damage what you say was a good relationship.

You cannot move in to someone else's house and then be angry that it isn't styled the way you like. If you want to style a house the way you want then you need your own bloody house. The answer to this seems so obviously to get a place of your own that I feel I must be missing something.

FrippEnos · 17/02/2021 18:30

RUOKHon

I personally do not subscribe to the idea that a woman hitting a man is as bad as a man hitting a woman. Women attacking male partners is usually a last-ditch response to being controlled or coerced.

She has been abusive since the marriage, if this had bene a the opposite way around the argument would be that 'she snapped and was defending herself'

As for any perceived "power imbalance" abuse is abuse and violence is violence.

Coronawireless · 17/02/2021 18:41

I don’t blame OP for being fed up with the living situation but the obsession with wedding gifts is very odd.
And him whacking her across the face is not good.
If I hit DH he might shout at me or even shove me - he would certainly walk out and he would seriously reconsider the marriage. But he would never, ever whack me hard across the face.

5tiletto · 17/02/2021 21:01

I haven’t rtft so apologies if I’m repeating things that have already been said.

OP, whilst I absolutely don’t condone the violence, I sympathise with you. Those posters saying ‘why don’t you decorate his house’ don’t understand the culture. It is normal for a couple to get married and move in with the husband’s family and whilst I’m sure his family want you to be comfortable, you can’t just waltz in and start redecorating - it would be seen as disrespectful. You almost have to just adjust to their way of living, even if it is different to what you are used to.

I don’t think you have made a mistake - I think you have got married at one of the most difficult times. Most people on this thread will have lived with their partner before marriage. Culturally, we don’t get to do that. You are having to adjust to being married, becoming a wife, a daughter in law, moving into someone else’s house and all in a global pandemic, which means you are unable to see your family and friends and retain any normality of your previous life. It’s tough.

Those posters saying you are materialistic etc because of the lack of presents from BIL again don’t understand. Culturally, there are traditions and certain expectations from each family. When these traditions are not met, it is seen as disrespectful not only to you but to your family. I think this is why you are so frustrated and that’s understandable.

I would say give it time. Once life regains some level of normality, you and your husband can finally enjoy being newlyweds - go out alone together and enjoy each others company. Hopefully then, you will remember why you fell in love and got married.

Original poster

crossroads1 · 17/02/2021 22:49

@5tiletto

I haven’t rtft so apologies if I’m repeating things that have already been said.

@5tilettoThankyou this is exactly how I feel.

The violence isn’t like any of us and getting married during the pandemic is rough. I can’t see my family or do anything apart from be here. I wfh but when dh is out it’s me , MIL and SIL. It’s feeling trapped and the frustrations are there for both of us, that’s another thing dh said about the fight.

He’s so lovely in so many diff ways, always putting me before him. I don’t want to leave him it’s just been a tough situation to adjust to...

OP posts:

Starseed2021 · 18/02/2021 01:20

I might add that I earn a lot more than him, I have a better job, more educated and generally 'status' wise my family are on a diff level

Yet you went all provincial and moved into his mothers house after you married him!!!!!!
You're living in another womans house and complaining about how she runs it!

Act like the kind of woman you think you are and get your own place to live your married life and then you can do things your own way.....though you'll probably gave to train your husband to do housework cos it sounds like the 'culture' he's from doesn't expect him to pull his own weight re 'womens work'.

NotMyPremium · 18/02/2021 02:40

Has it crossed your pigheaded mind (and you are pigheaded) that the reason his family haven't bothered is because they don't like you as you very clearly look down on them all. Of course not.

"I personally do not subscribe to the idea that a woman hitting a man is as bad as a man hitting a woman. Women attacking male partners is usually a last-ditch response to being controlled or coerced." Oh fuck off with this shit! DPs ex was the emotionally abusive one, he wasn't controlling her at all, then she escalated it at the end of their relationship to violence. But yeah, he's the man so automatically in the wrong.

No wonder men don't get help for their problems and feel they cannot tell people about being abused when people have this bullshit, backwards attitude.

user643289 · 18/02/2021 05:02

I can't believe what I'm reading.

It's frustrating me to the point that I can't read any more of your posts, OP.

that's why I slapped him - and he deserved it he was being a damn fool.

You are an extremely abusive partner.

I'm sadenned MNHQ have allowed this to stand.

Your partner needs to contact a domestic abuse support line. I feel so sorry for him to be sat in his own home being abused, manipulated, blamed and thus, constantly apologising.

Poor bloke.

frazzledasarock · 18/02/2021 05:34

Your DH is wealthier than you, if he is able to live off his property portfolio and only needs to work part time.

You really cannot hold your DH responsible for his sister & BIL’s lack of gift to you both.

I think you need to leave this marriage, you want a flashy bloke, not your quiet unassuming family orientated DH.

And not everyone hates their IL’s I like mine. Not because they lavish me with gifts, but because they’re lovely people.

Bouledeneige · 18/02/2021 19:31

I think 5tilletto has given you sound advice and understands the situation culturally - which many of us on here do not.

One thing I would add is of you want this relationship to work try to model the behaviour you'd like to receive in return. So if you wouldn't like him to bitch as you then don't do it to him. Then at least you'll feel better about yourself. That said these are very challenging times in lockdown and many relationships are struggling. Try to dig deep and get through a d count to 10 when you feel like saying anything unkind.

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