Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

did I make the right decision?

116 replies

crossroads1 · 16/02/2021 23:10

hi all , long post alert so I apologise in advance.

I got married a few months ago, hubby and I were fed up of having to keep postponing due to corona so got married and then lockdown happened. DH and I have known each other for a decade and been together for a few years - we were completely head over heels for each other.. and then we got married and everything changed.

I started to become such a bitch to him. To give some content to how this started, at our wedding even though it was small, his side were rubbish with gifts. My side was really generous whereas his side didn't give us anything. his bro-in law said 'our present was coming next week'...that was 4 months ago. Then I moved into his house (MIL also lives with us but is lovely so I didn't mind) (side note - we didn't live together before marriage- its a cultural thing)...

I started harbouring this resentment about the lack of gifts that were given from his side and then I started taking digs at the house - the decor, and old fashioned cutlery, everything just seemed to annoy me!! I might add that I earn a lot more than him, I have a better job, more educated and generally 'status' wise my family are on a diff level, this didn't bother me initially because I was crazy about him but after the wedding and moving in I started to wonder if I had made a wrong decision, I do like the finer things in life and I don't know if he can give them to me.

cut to last week and we decided to have a few drinks as we didn't get to have a honeymoon or any downtime. Ill also add we ended up testing positive for coronavirus so recently its all bit a bit grim...

we had a few drinks and then it all started coming out, he started saying Its obvious that I dont wanna be here and that I think Im too good for him. He started to put some of my things in a bag and talking nonsense, in the midst of this he pushed me, so I pushed him back and slapped him. He then smacked me back right across the face, I was so shocked that I got my coat and was ready to leave.

the next day we had a long chat and he said he's so ashamed and hates himself for doing that. I know I shouldn't have got physical either but one thing just led to another and it started from the wedding. we both said we wish we could go back to how we used to be before but I never thought he would get so aggressive, we used to laugh together and be happy, I dont know if its lockdown or just me feeling depressed but I feel like I've gotten into a mess.

Im asking on here for advice-pls no judgement, I know I can come across as stuck up or looking down on his family but I'm just trying to figure out this thing called marriage...its like we have turned into 2 diff people. the physical fight last week really changed the way I think about him... there's never an excuse to get violent with each other and what if this happens again, I've heard so many stories of things like this where women die, he says he never would touch me again but doesn't everyone say that?!

ill add I know I'm not a saint, for the entire time we've been married I've been very critical, I used to call him my marshmallow because he's usually very soft and gentle. it takes a lot for him to get angry - I'm the one who's usually on 100mph whereas he's cruising.. can we ever get back to how we were or should just jump ship now?

OP posts:
Regularsizedrudy · 17/02/2021 15:04

Has he always lived with his mum and now you have moved in? Why didn’t you get your own place together? (Sorry is this is a culturally insensitive question)

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 17/02/2021 15:06

Yes a women hitting a man is just as bad , no one should be hitting anyone.
And yes in general men are stronger but not always.
And the op said they chose not to live in her house as its smaller do she did have a choice , and She hasn't mentioned if she has suggested decorating or buying new furniture or putting her own in

crossroads1 · 17/02/2021 15:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
crossroads1 · 17/02/2021 15:18

@Regularsizedrudy

Has he always lived with his mum and now you have moved in? Why didn’t you get your own place together? (Sorry is this is a culturally insensitive question)
its fine, to some ppl moving In with the in laws sounds barmy but culturally its 'just what happens'. it doesn't mean we stay here forever but usually for a year or two.

as no FIL on the scene its really down to dh to look after MIL and midly disabled sibling. Im not taking any of this away from him, I knew from day 1 how much he Is needed, but it doesn't seem to leave enough room for us - the Newley married couple - again that his family didn't seem to make any effort for at the wedding. this is a culmination of things, it isn't just me wanting a mansion or a Ferrari.

OP posts:
EileenGC · 17/02/2021 15:21

It makes perfect sense, OP, don’t worry. You’re entitled to enjoy your life and your money in whatever way you seem fit.

My question stands, did you not discuss any of this with your husband before marrying him? I think your situation could be caused either by the tension and added stress of lockdown, in which case things should improve once you’re able to go out more and hopefully get your own place. Or it could be that your lifestyles just aren’t compatible. He may see married life as a more dull version of what your relationship looked like before the wedding. These things need to be discussed, without putting anyone’s family down in the process.

It could simply be that you want different things. I know I couldn’t be with someone who wanted nice perfumes and expensive champagne, we just wouldn’t work out because there would be too much bickering. Neither party would be wrong.

Saltedhero · 17/02/2021 15:22

Get a place of your own then!

ChancesWhatChances · 17/02/2021 15:24

You slapped him first after being mentally abusive for how long since moving in together? He slapped you back, and you feel he’s the wrong one? You’re just as bad as he is, and the pair of you should separate.

ChancesWhatChances · 17/02/2021 15:24

Also, if you’ve a good paying job and are able to support yourself, it’s not his place to provide you with the finer things in life. It’s entirely your job to supply yourself with that.

Wellthatwassilly · 17/02/2021 15:27

I cant believe what im reading! You hit him first so he hit you back and your worried about him being violent again!!!! Dont dish it out if you cant take it back, female or not doesnt give you the right to hit a man and then be 'shocked' when he hits you back

Saltedhero · 17/02/2021 15:29

Op sorry you sound extremely high maintenance! Think your husband should run

Original poster
crossroads1 · 17/02/2021 15:29

@EileenGC

It makes perfect sense, OP, don’t worry. You’re entitled to enjoy your life and your money in whatever way you seem fit.

My question stands, did you not discuss any of this with your husband before marrying him? I think your situation could be caused either by the tension and added stress of lockdown, in which case things should improve once you’re able to go out more and hopefully get your own place. Or it could be that your lifestyles just aren’t compatible. He may see married life as a more dull version of what your relationship looked like before the wedding. These things need to be discussed, without putting anyone’s family down in the process.

It could simply be that you want different things. I know I couldn’t be with someone who wanted nice perfumes and expensive champagne, we just wouldn’t work out because there would be too much bickering. Neither party would be wrong.

we didn't discuss our money expectations as he is like me, he isn't cheap or stingy, its his family. They're the ones who didn't gift us anything at the wedding - AIBU here in expecting a wedding gift, surely that's what normal ppl do. I have always done that, a wedding is still a wedding. just as a birthday you'd send a card etc...

and its his house decor which has obv been down to his elderly mother - dh doesn't have much interest in interior design which is fine and they seem glad that I'm here making the changes. They are very open to it, I just like proactiveness, I dont know if they're lazy or just unimaginative. - I have come from a diff family and set up, both my parents were go-getters and encouraged us to strive further, both had great jobs and highly educated. I'm in a decent good job and DH works part time, I always knew this (we used to work together) but as I've said it was always just me and him, having fun and enjoying life that his family didn't bother me too much. still MIL is lovely, I'm just finding bones to pick because I resent the fact that no effort was made for the wedding deep down

also his BIL really gets on my tits - he is minted yet can't even get us a bottle of champers? the nerve..

OP posts:
Original poster
crossroads1 · 17/02/2021 15:32

@Wellthatwassilly

I cant believe what im reading! You hit him first so he hit you back and your worried about him being violent again!!!! Dont dish it out if you cant take it back, female or not doesnt give you the right to hit a man and then be 'shocked' when he hits you back
if you read it correctly you'd see he pushed me first. Does that not constitute as touching someone?

what was I meant to do... stand back and do nothing? yes slapping him was not the answer but I do agree a woman of my build (Im slim and petite) slapping a man is no way as hard as him doing it. My dh is big/strong with a very strong hand. His slap nearly knocked me over, whereas mine was to shut him up and realise he was acting a fool.

OP posts:
donewithitalltodayandxmas · 17/02/2021 15:35

You seem to have a huge issue with his bil and lack of present more than anything else

Original poster
crossroads1 · 17/02/2021 15:35

@ChancesWhatChances

Also, if you’ve a good paying job and are able to support yourself, it’s not his place to provide you with the finer things in life. It’s entirely your job to supply yourself with that.
I do have a good paying job and do provide myself with the finer things, I'm not asking him to provide that for me.

I just dont want and his family to live like tramps who have no money. they have a lot of it they just choose not to spend.

OP posts:
donewithitalltodayandxmas · 17/02/2021 15:40

e.

I just dont want and his family to live like tramps who have no money. they have a lot of it they just choose not to spend.

So people who have no money are all tramps to you ? You sound pleasant
You must if seen the house so knew what you were moving into and maybe just maybe they like it.
Your very materialistic and you dh family are not .
You claim dh not very wealthy then day he owns flats as well as a larger house than yours , do your idea of nit wealthy is very different to mine

Original poster
crossroads1 · 17/02/2021 15:42

@donewithitalltodayandxmas

You seem to have a huge issue with his bil and lack of present more than anything else
yeah he is the epitome of cheap. Flys first class but a £5 card is too much effort?

its the cheapness and stinginess/lack of effort that bothers me. its as if BIL and SIL didn't even care that we were getting married... it may have been a small affair but its still a big deal.

I wanted someone from his family to show that they cared and to have made some effort.

OP posts:
Original poster
crossroads1 · 17/02/2021 15:44

@donewithitalltodayandxmas

e.

I just dont want and his family to live like tramps who have no money. they have a lot of it they just choose not to spend.

So people who have no money are all tramps to you ? You sound pleasant
You must if seen the house so knew what you were moving into and maybe just maybe they like it.
Your very materialistic and you dh family are not .
You claim dh not very wealthy then day he owns flats as well as a larger house than yours , do your idea of nit wealthy is very different to mine

dh himself doesn't have a lot of money in the bank - he works part time and spunked a lot of his savings when he was younger.

family overall have a lot of assets - properties - and they definitely 'own' a lot more than my family. my family are more generous, you can tell we like nice things, with dh fam you wouldn't know if they were millionaires or poor. sorry to put it bluntly but the truth is the truth. I can't sugarcoat it facts are facts

OP posts:
whichwayisup · 17/02/2021 15:44

What has it got to do with you how his family spend their cash? Why do you even care?

It's none of your business.

Now, if you were a narcissist maybe I'd get it... You think that everything is a reflection on you.

EileenGC · 17/02/2021 15:48

with dh fam you wouldn't know if they were millionaires or poor. sorry to put it bluntly but the truth is the truth. I can't sugarcoat it facts are facts

And I why in a million years would that ever matter?

Original poster
crossroads1 · 17/02/2021 15:48

@whichwayisup

What has it got to do with you how his family spend their cash? Why do you even care?

It's none of your business.

Now, if you were a narcissist maybe I'd get it... You think that everything is a reflection on you.

I care because it was our wedding and his own sister and BIL couldn't make enough to even give us a card or show us that they care?

they can definitely afford it so it isn't as if they couldn't buy a gift because they're hard up, they just didn't want to.

OP posts:
whichwayisup · 17/02/2021 15:52

What's that got to do with your husband?

So your brother in law is a prick, who cares? My brother in law is a bit of a prick too.... Who cares? It's hardly like my husband has any control over that. And how my bil spends his money makes no difference to my life.

EileenGC · 17/02/2021 15:54

I'm just finding bones to pick because I resent the fact that no effort was made for the wedding deep down

I think this is the main issue. To quote a Mumsnet classic saying, the only one who cares about your wedding or your baby, is you.

Most people don’t get married so they can get gifts and people can show them they care. They do it to celebrate their love, regardless of how much money or gifts they receive. I always bring a gift when I’m invited to a wedding but I also couldn’t get my knickers in a twist about people giving me stuff for mine.

You need to let the wedding thing go. It sounds like you’ve mentioned it to him a fair few times but nothing has changed. Time to let go. From what you say, it must be around 6 months since you got married? All the people who still haven’t sent a present have probably forgotten about it already. Sorry to be blunt too!

NotaCoolMum · 17/02/2021 15:58

@crossroads1
“I just dont want and his family to live like tramps who have no money. they have a lot of it they just choose not to spend.“

They owe you nothing- doesn’t matter what you want or not!! Can’t you see that?

Original poster
crossroads1 · 17/02/2021 16:00

@EileenGC

I'm just finding bones to pick because I resent the fact that no effort was made for the wedding deep down

I think this is the main issue. To quote a Mumsnet classic saying, the only one who cares about your wedding or your baby, is you.

Most people don’t get married so they can get gifts and people can show them they care. They do it to celebrate their love, regardless of how much money or gifts they receive. I always bring a gift when I’m invited to a wedding but I also couldn’t get my knickers in a twist about people giving me stuff for mine.

You need to let the wedding thing go. It sounds like you’ve mentioned it to him a fair few times but nothing has changed. Time to let go. From what you say, it must be around 6 months since you got married? All the people who still haven’t sent a present have probably forgotten about it already. Sorry to be blunt too!

yeah its been around 4months. I guess because I wouldn't act like that I would expect the same...

I know I need to let it go, I wish I could tell BIL what I really think of him, there's been other things in the past but it isn't my place. I'm going to get off this thread now, its made me feel more awful rather than ranting out any feelings. thanks eileengc for your understanding POV. take care x

OP posts:
EileenGC · 17/02/2021 16:01

I just dont want and his family to live like tramps who have no money. they have a lot of it they just choose not to spend.

That’s really amazing of them. A very valid choice, as is yours. And if you ever have kids, please don’t teach them that people who choose not to spend their money are tramps. I also fly business but I only own 3 shirts I rotate all the time, and they’re from Primark (shock horror OP - I must also be a tramp). It’s called prioritising. Some people just don’t care about birthday cards, clothes or cutlery.