did I make the right decision?

[crossroads1]

hi all , long post alert so I apologise in advance.

I got married a few months ago, hubby and I were fed up of having to keep postponing due to corona so got married and then lockdown happened. DH and I have known each other for a decade and been together for a few years - we were completely head over heels for each other.. and then we got married and everything changed.

I started to become such a bitch to him. To give some content to how this started, at our wedding even though it was small, his side were rubbish with gifts. My side was really generous whereas his side didn't give us anything. his bro-in law said 'our present was coming next week'...that was 4 months ago. Then I moved into his house (MIL also lives with us but is lovely so I didn't mind) (side note - we didn't live together before marriage- its a cultural thing)...

I started harbouring this resentment about the lack of gifts that were given from his side and then I started taking digs at the house - the decor, and old fashioned cutlery, everything just seemed to annoy me!! I might add that I earn a lot more than him, I have a better job, more educated and generally 'status' wise my family are on a diff level, this didn't bother me initially because I was crazy about him but after the wedding and moving in I started to wonder if I had made a wrong decision, I do like the finer things in life and I don't know if he can give them to me.

cut to last week and we decided to have a few drinks as we didn't get to have a honeymoon or any downtime. Ill also add we ended up testing positive for coronavirus so recently its all bit a bit grim...

we had a few drinks and then it all started coming out, he started saying Its obvious that I dont wanna be here and that I think Im too good for him. He started to put some of my things in a bag and talking nonsense, in the midst of this he pushed me, so I pushed him back and slapped him. He then smacked me back right across the face, I was so shocked that I got my coat and was ready to leave.

the next day we had a long chat and he said he's so ashamed and hates himself for doing that. I know I shouldn't have got physical either but one thing just led to another and it started from the wedding. we both said we wish we could go back to how we used to be before but I never thought he would get so aggressive, we used to laugh together and be happy, I dont know if its lockdown or just me feeling depressed but I feel like I've gotten into a mess.

Im asking on here for advice-pls no judgement, I know I can come across as stuck up or looking down on his family but I'm just trying to figure out this thing called marriage...its like we have turned into 2 diff people. the physical fight last week really changed the way I think about him... there's never an excuse to get violent with each other and what if this happens again, I've heard so many stories of things like this where women die, he says he never would touch me again but doesn't everyone say that?!

ill add I know I'm not a saint, for the entire time we've been married I've been very critical, I used to call him my marshmallow because he's usually very soft and gentle. it takes a lot for him to get angry - I'm the one who's usually on 100mph whereas he's cruising.. can we ever get back to how we were or should just jump ship now?

Once there's violence in a relationship, it's FUBAR.

Time to call it quits and sort yourself out on your own.

Do you work op?

So what if his family “uses things until they’re on their last legs”?! To me that is sensible! With all due respect, I highly doubt his family think much of the spoilt, entitled bratty woman their son chose to marry.

As for the abuse- you both sound miserable and toxic at this point. Once you cross that physical line there’s no going back.

Car crash of a relationship and marriage. Why did you even get married? You clearly want to be with someone completely different. I am baffled. You both drunkenly slapped each other, it's unacceptable from both of you.

I find it a bit rich for you to talk about women of DV and worrying about if he will do it again/kill you - he should also be worried about if you will slap him again!

I don't see any coming back from it or moving forward. Do both of you a favour and leave.

The title of this thread should be "Did he make the right decision" I would say no

The more you write, the more obnoxious you sound. How horrible for your husband to marry someone who suddenly acts like a completely materialistic bitch.
And who cares what his or your family donor don't do, you're married to him.

I understand how I sound but I have no one else to take it out on, I wish I wasn't so horrible and brutal with my words but sometimes I can't help it.

This is what abusive people say.

You can help it, you wouldn't 'take it out on' strangers or children (one would hope not anyway) or your boss.

You said it yourself - you're choosing him as the person you take 'it' out on. I'm not even really sure what 'it' is really, unless you're literally just talking about the wedding gift situation?

Wouldn't it be nicer to feel sad for him that you feel he is under appreciated and undervalued by his family? Rather than making it about you?

You need to break up so he is free of being treated this way and you need to seek therapy before dating anyone again to have coping mechanisms in place to stop you displaying abusive behaviour.

We got married because we were crazy about each other. Everything I wanted in a partner personality wise was him - funny, kind, thoughtful, caring, he's gorgeous inside and out to me, I knew he wasn't the richest guy in the world but living day to day with him and MIL, knowing more about his cheap ass stingy BIL, has made me wonder if Ill get the life I dreamed of.

doesnt everyone want to live comfortably? I'm not asking for the ritz but I dont want to feel like I'm living in 1941.

before we got married we rarely argued, for those asking 'why we got married?' our relationship was near enough perfect.

the wedding gifts/lack of presents also boils down to tradition.. the mothers are usually given something. We gave to his family yet from his side its 'on the way'. it's embarrassing and he has said that was his fault, he has a lot of pressure and he overlooked certain things. Its hard not even being Able to get any respite, the weather is grim and I just want something good to look forward to. lockdown this time around has really affected the both of us. we had talked about how excited we are for our honeymoon and then we couldn't go because of covid. its like reality hit us really hard really fast...

doesnt everyone want to live comfortably? I'm not asking for the ritz but I dont want to feel like I'm living in 1941.

How come you two didn't move into to your house then?

I do feel sorry for him as his family behaviour isn't his fault. I can't go and rant to his BIL or MIL. My writing may seem obnoxious but Im not a disrespectful person.. Ill just internalise it and it'll come out passively aggressively to DH.

also dont most people hate their in laws anyway?

also dont most people hate their in laws anyway?

Can't speak for everyone else on here but I like mine

Is there any religious/cultural expectations at play here? I don't understand how you can be with someone for 10 years then as soon as you're married immediately decide they aren't good enough.

@AryaStarkWolf

doesnt everyone want to live comfortably? I'm not asking for the ritz but I dont want to feel like I'm living in 1941.

How come you two didn't move into to your house then?

he has a bigger house than mine. there wouldn't have been any space in my house.

although his has more space, mine has better interior design. I have more style whereas his MIL just doesn't seem to care about having nice things or taking pride in where they live. granted she's getting pretty old now but the house looks like no one has bothered decorating in 30 years. your environment impacts you, its dreary and dull, its no wonder they all act a bit thoughtless its like the sofas and wallpaper suck the life out of you.

@ErickBroch

Is there any religious/cultural expectations at play here? I don't understand how you can be with someone for 10 years then as soon as you're married immediately decide they aren't good enough.

we've been together for 3 years but been friends for 10. didn't live together before marriage due to culture/traditions.

I never thought he wasn't good enough for me, I knew job and education wise we weren't on the same level but it didn't matter because I loved everything about him.

its more the grim reality of day to day life and seeing the same 4 walls all the time. I'm getting miserable because the situation is sh*t.. we used to book holidays and go out and have fun and now its all, old carpet and broken cutlery.

His family haven't suddenly changed since you got married, I'm assuming. So did you not see that his family were taking advantage beforehand? Did you never visit his house and realise you wouldn't want to live there? Did you not realise that he clearly doesn't live the fancy life you want to?
Get out of this marriage. It isn't going to end well. You need counselling to deal with the aggression you've been taking out of him over minor issues.

You sound like a right dick. Youre abusive and yeah you can definitely help it. Do the guy a favour and leave him so he can find someone who won't belittle him, look down on him and his family and take their little temper tantrums out on him. Oh yeah, and hit him.

You appear to have some difficulties accepting that you could possibly be in the wrong. If you hear an opinion you don't like, you respond by explaining why you're being reasonable! The bottom line here is that you are, by your own words, abusive, materialistic, and entitled. You were in love with an idea. Not a reality. He deserves better. Even if he could live up to your expectations, that requires him to change from the person he is to the one that you want. That's not fair. It may hurt him in the short term, but I think it would be better if you ended things and let him put his life back together again without you in it.

By the way - expecting expensive gifts, whether someone is wealthy or not, is never a good look. It's grabby. And there's nothing wrong with having old stuff.

It kind of sounds like you do want the Ritz op. You sound comfortable already. Not everyone hates their in-laws either.

I don't know...the more you write the worse you come off. Yes your DH hit you but you admit that you take everything out on him and hit him first.

I think you need to leave. It's not going to get better. He isn't going to be able to magic up the life you've suddenly realised you want and he doesn't deserve to be berated for that.

Do the poor bloke a favour and end the marriage, so that he can look for someone who cares for who he is, not about the state of his cutlery and how generous his family is.

If his house and interior design bother you that much, why on earth can't you buy somewhere else? Apparently you have/had your own property, and he has his.

All very strange.

I think I can understand where you’re coming from OP. It sounds like you have always had high ambitions and like nice things - nothing wrong with that. I don’t have any experience or insight into the cultural aspect of how or why you have to live in his house and you can’t just move. But it does sound like you’ve found yourself in a situation where you have no control or say over your environment and what’s more, your environment happens to be depressing and is making you unhappy. Something has to change - what you’re describing is untenable and has already tipped into violence.

he has a bigger house than mine. there wouldn't have been any space in my house.

So redecorate his then? What's the big deal?

Im not a disrespectful person.

You are and you've been abusive too, which is disrespectful to the person you're abusive / being passive aggressive to / lashing out at.

Ill just internalise it and it'll come out passively aggressively to DH.

So you are internalising it (unhealthy) and also then taking it out on DH (unhealthy and abusive. You're an adult. If you know you're doing this, why aren't you in therapy attempting to stop it?

also dont most people hate their in laws anyway?

No.

You don't seem willing to acknowledge that your behaviour is abusive and nasty.

To be honest, maybe they haven't shown much interest because they don't like you much. If someone treated a member of my family the way you treat your husband, or looked down their nose at people like you do, I wouldn't be very excited they were marrying into my family either.

We all like nice things in life, but op you sound like a spoilt madam, sounds like you have been incredibly nasty & critical and then slapping your partner. He slapped you back because you pushed him to far. It's not a good start for a marriage when you have set the bar to high and he can't deliver. Poor bloke

You sound frustrated. My reading of this is that you are an intelligent, independent woman who was excited about starting married life with the man she loves, building a home and future for the two of you. Although you say you get on with your MIL, this is bound to be put to the test when living with her. You have to be on your best behaviour, you can't criticise the decor or change things. There are accusations that you sound materialistic, but frankly, what woman, making a home doesn't want to make their own decisions, whatever their tastes may be. If you really love this man, get your own place. A new home for both of you so that you can decorate, shout at each other, make love in the kitchen, whatever you want and feel at home in your own place!

Why can’t you move to your own place or redecorate where you are living?

Although you have behaved very badly I actually sympathise with you. You do have insight into your behaviour. You sound very young? The living situation sounds very depressing. Would he change anything or is this it?
Sounds like you’re better off apart as you will both make each other unhappy.